NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Sexy Secret Softcore Wife (and her husband in drag) ...


... my bastard body woke me up at 5:15 am this morning and I instantly stumbled in front of our newly resurrected computer to perform my usual morning tasks of checking my e-mail, searching for free mp3s, updating myself on the latest horrible Chris Benoit news and masturbating. That's my routine and my wife's fine with it. Besides, she usually wakes up late in the day anyway, so what's the harm of taking matters into my own hands before the kids wake up? It's a harmless crime, right?


Well, this morning I was treated to a big surprise, a big, hot, sexy, awesome surprise. There was a note on the computer from my wife. She's been staying up every night until 1 or 2 am while my customer service ass knocks out at around 11pm religiously. She had made something for me. See, she purchased a webcam from Wal-Mart the day before with money that her brother owed us for undisclosed reasons. Her note said that she knew the "types" of websites I liked visiting in the mornings and that perhaps the video that she recorded with her webcam the night before might help relieve me of some stress. Essentially.


See, this is where I hit my literary wall. My wife is much better at writing about dirty stuff than I am. I don't usually kiss and tell. I'm more of an old school gentlemen when it comes to disclosing these types of sexual events. I can tell you that it was my wife dressed all sexy-like and displaying her two biggest assets. So I watched said video and had myself a rather good time. The quote from her note that I liked the best was "I figured that when I am up at night like I have been lately, I can make you little videos to see the next morning." Wow. That's hot. That's awesome and hot.


I then went to work and busted my ass for two storytimes which together brought in exactly 99 kids and adults, total. The big Captain Book adventure which featured Clifford the Big Red Dog beating up Dr. Borderz in drag was just a few people away from tying for the biggest storytime crowd ever, the biggest storytime ever in our store being the 70+ people we had packed into kids for the first face-to-face encounter between Dr. Borderz and Captain Book last February.




I busted my ass at work and somehow still managed to come home and have a kitchen dance party with the kids, give them piggyback rides, cooked dinner for them, and give my wife three amazing orgasms. I'm a hardcore legend like Mick Foley. I've got that fucking rock star feeling that usually accompanies a play or a really successful storytime or a midnight magic party. I am a golden god and I kick so much fucking ass I can almost feel the latino heat emanating off of me.


I'm awesome.




It's a little past 10:30 and I've got Isabela on my lap eating Ruffles and watching awesome Sifl and Olly songs on YouTube while I drink tall boys of Tecate and get hit on by my sexy, heavy drinking wife. Thought I'd share some Sifl and Olly with y'all, the greatest show they ever showed on MTV back when MTV was cool and not a fucking joke ...








This is the ORIGINAL "United States of Whatever" song as it played on Sifl and Olly somewhere around 1999, wa-a-a-a-ay before 2005 when it suddenly started playing on all the radio stations and became a strange cult hit ...




I specifically remember walking into the break room. I was closing at work and someone left the radio in receiving on. It was tuned to whatever the hip local rap-slash-pop station is around here (I believe it was the same radio station that killed a listener who wanted a Nintendo Wii) and they were playing that song. I thought I was listening to my iPod or maybe a radio station was playing the clip of the show as a joke. But when the deejay came on and said "That's our number one request, Liam Lynch with 'United States of Whatevah' which reached number one in our countdown" I flipped out. I mean I love all the strange little songs that are the trademark of Sifl and Olly. Hell, my kids and I sing them all the time. But how could one song from one episode suddenly be everywhere? And the song even mentions Zafo, a reoccurring guitar-sounding character in the show.


Here's some of my favorite songs from the show ...


Llama School

Claire Danes

Fake Blood

Prostitute Laundry


This is post number 685 for me since I started this blog in 2002. I'm on beer number three and my 21 month old daughter is laying down on the couch watching Ben Vereen in the musical Pippin. It's her first musical.


God I'm awesome. I get all manic depressive and angry and depressed and all that and I tend to lose sight of the fact that my life is pretty damn good, all things considered.


Things are good. Questions are being answered. Things are happening. This is all good.

Stephanie Tanner ...



... this is a picture of the chick who played Stephanie Tanner, the middle child on "Full House." She has tits now.


Today at work I have two, count 'em, TWO, major storytimes. I'm doing a major pirate storytime at 11:00 this morning which will force me to prepare all morning and do a major costume change. The finish of that particular storytime is always a major treasure hunt through the store, which is tricky to pull off so we're going to see how that goes, although it's almost always works well. It's the kickoff to a major bookfair, so there's either going to be 0 kids or 5 kids or 15 kids or 40 kids or a crapload more. It's a bit of frightening variable but I should be fine.


Then after that I have less than two hours to get ready for this month's major Captain Book storytime. This month's adventure features a live appearance and smackdown by Clifford the Big Red Dog and it will require me to get dressed in my full Dr. Borderz costume AND THEN wear my store manager's fairy costume over my first costume. It's going to be mad crazy. And did I mention there's a television set involved and wires and a few special effects and physical stunts and fight choreography? Yeah. It's a big one, a big day for me, and hopefully I'll survive with my sanity and latino heat intact.


Wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I Hate Steve Because ...



... for those of you who don't go to my wife's livejournal she did this thing that she learned from my hot store manager's myspace where you Google search: "your name needs" and see what it says. Well, the results for her were okay but the results for me, the new latino heat, were really pretty awesome. Go see my wife's livejournal and see for yourself. I apparently need a squirrel hitman. Perry says he knows one but I'm pretty sure he's just had a few too many hits from the bong.


And the strange thing is that even though I've been working with Barnes and Noble for almost seven years I've never read a David Sedaris book before. I don't see what the big deal is about David Sedaris, really. Why is he doing appearances at theaters and arenas and why are people buying overly expensive tickets to go see him like he's the goddamn Red Hot Chili Peppers, for shit's sake? He's just some overrated author with a god complex. You're not Tom Cruise, you yuppie douchebag. You're just some metrosexual coffee shop patron with a Mac and a cell phone and a huge ego, so just get over yourself.


So, in order to wash away the depressing, angry aftertaste of my last post, I thought I'd lighten up the mood a little bit and one-up my wife by doing a Google search for "I hate your name because."


Good stuff.




"I hate Steve because he never comes to my little league games. Also I hate Steve because he dose not dance anymore. He has nice clothes now."


"I hate Steve because he is so awesome. So much, much more awesome than I. I hate Steve because I am a woman. Steve degrades women with the amount of porn."


"I hate Steve because of all of the troubles he has given the Jags."


"I hate Steve because despite countless promises, he has yet to bring me a hostage."


"I hate Steve because he's beautiful! We've never seen the other side of that room."


"I hate Steve because he went to college and felt the need to get a vanity plate with his name on it. Fuck him!"


"I hate Steve because he does gay shit like kung fu and being vegan, and likes to be spiritual. I also don't like him because he's open to gay sex."


"I hate Steve because he just looks funny, and he thinks he is as intelligent as the rest of us."


"I hate Natasha because she's just really dumb. All her shots she does this little squinty eyed pouty liped 'porn' face. And yeah she is a mail order bride."


"I hate Emerald because its caused me nothing but hurt and greif!"


"I hate Marisa because she makes me take stupid bowling classes."


"I hate Julia because she is amazing at maths and I hate west. They are all bitches."


"I hate Julia because she likes country music."


"I hate Pepe because she is gay! hahaha!"


"I hate Jesse because he/she/it is extremely immature and he/she/it doesn't have any respect. He can never be serious about anything."


"I hate Jesse because im a gangster. runrunrunrunrun."


"I hate Kevin because he's taller than me, thinner than me, and cuter than me. Go to hell Kevin. Go straight to hell."


"I hate Tom because he doesn't play cards and bitches need to get painted."


"I hate Tom because he censors my non-pornographic pictures."


"I hate Kendra because of her insulting remarks regarding the 3rd world."


"I hate Megan because she won't send me that picture of her thong, with bears on it, while it was sticking out of her pants."


"I hate Megan because Wood has done a very good job with making her real."


"I hate Ricky because that dick had everything...especially that race car bed!"


"I hate Perry because he thinks typing words is 'saying it out loud.' That really grills my bacon! I Have Evil Monkeys In My Pants."


"I hate Jose because he's a tremendous dick who I want to see kicked in the testicles."


"I hate Scott because he stole my eyeliner then I caught him in my pantyhose!"


"I hate Scott because he sooooooo full of himself its annoying!"




Wow. Some of those hit a bit too close to home. Rough chuckles, as Marisa likes to say. To be specific, the ones about myself, Megan, Ricky, Jose and Scott were totally true.


That was awesome.

Chris Ben-Who?

... so WWE and WCW Champion Chris Benoit, one of the greatest technical wrestlers of all time, killed his wife and his seven-year-old son before hanging himself with what I can only assume, given WWE's relationship with the company, was a Bowflex home gym.


World Wrestling Entertainment did an unprecedented move that showed class and respect - they send last monday's Raw audience home and had a three hour tribute to the amazing career of "The Rabid Wolverine" Chris Benoit ...




... then, in what stands as a perfect example of why wrestling fans are running away from WWE in droves, last night in a pre-taped segment that started of ECW on the Sci-Fi network, Vince McMahon "apologized" for monday's Benoit tribute ...




The WWE didn't stop there in their rush to forget Chris Benoit. They yanked all of his merchandise from their website (as well as their foriegn websites) despite the fact that Eddie Guerrero shirts are still available for sale. They also confiscated any and all Chris Benoit signs at yesterday's ECW and Smackdown tapings, even ones that simply said "R.I.P."


This is seriously starting to piss me off.


Yes what Chris Benoit did was horrible and he's burning in hell for the crime he committed but WHAT THE WWE and VINCE MCMAHON need to realize is that because he killed his family doesn't mean that suddenly we're all just supposed to FORGET that he was the single greatest technical wrestler of all time. Screw that. The World Wrestling Federation wants nothing more than to gain back the fan base they had in the late nineties and lost at the turn of the century with boring storylines and 24 hour Triple H ass kissing. They were the first to pay their respects for Benoit's legacy and, one reports came that Benoit was the person responsible for his wife and son's death, they were the first ones to spit on his name.


I'm not saying Benoit should be praised because I hate Benoit for what he did but that doesn't and will never change the fact that he was one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time.


Vince shouldn't have apologized. That was cowardly.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Another Wrestling Great Dead ...



In case you haven't heard former WWE and WCW Champion Chris Benoit was found dead in his home this afternoon, as was his wife and seven year old son. Police officials are calling it a possible murder-suicide.


The timing of this tragedy is odd for two reasons - one, Chris Benoit's career was in a resurgence. He was booked in a major match at a WWE pay-per-view yesterdaywhere he was scheduled to win the ECW chapionship in a match against C.M. Punk but he told WWE officials that he had to miss the show and rush home due to "personal reasons." Secondly, tonight's episode of WWE Raw was, ironically, slated to be a "memorial" to remember the "late" Vince McMahon, who just two weeks ago faked his death as a horribly stupid plotline intended to "kill off" his character on television. That plan, obviously, was dropped because it seemed too offensive in the wake of Benoit's death.


The last time I purchased Wrestlemania was Wrestlemania 20. That was in 2004. My hero Eddie Guerrero, whose death still seems fresh to me, had won the Smackdown championship a month earlier at a pay-per-view in San Francisco that my family and I had the honor of attending. Chris Benoit, who was lifelong friends with Eddie, won the Raw championship at Wrestlemania 20. And the picture of Eddie and Chris Benoit celebrating their victories in the ring surrounded by pounds of confetti, that picture is one that's been burned in my brain and one that stings now that both of them are dead.


Here's some tribute videos ...








R.I.P. Chris and Eddie.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Spirit Of Ed Compells You ...

... GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS! We are all interested in the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives, and remember my friends, future events such as these will effect YOU in the future!




I don't know why exactly but I'm really feeling very Woodian today, feeling my Ed Wood roots. I'm here drinking coffee and putting my two kids to bed while my wife sleeps like a rock in our bedroom. My five year old is sleeping in her "daddy pajamas" meaning my Tim Burton "Ed Wood" promotional shirt. I'm wearing my one of a kind "How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?" shirt. My Ed Wood tattoo is itching right now. I guess you could say that Ed Wood effects my everyday life. And that wouldn't be a lie, either. Sometimes I can't believe that over 11 years ago I created my very own religion, but after being in Premiere magazine, the cover of Rue Morgue magazine, The New Yorker, National Enquirer, and after fronting my lifelong dream of an Ed Wood music and film festival, I have a worldwide Ed Wood-based religion with over 3,500 followers that is still going strong to this day.


Like I said, I'm feeling very Woodian today.




So this is what I'm going to do - I'm going to dump a whopping boatload of Ed Wood clips on your lap. This is all primo stuff. If you want to get to know me, you have to get to know Ed Wood.


Enjoy ...


Ed Wood's "Plan 9 from Outer Space" (FULL FILM)




The opening to "Plan 9: The Musical"




Jack Lukeman's "Ode To Ed Wood (Girls and Boys)"




Tor Johnson on Groucho Marx's "you Bet Your Life"






Bela loses it in a scene from Tim Burton's "Ed Wood"




Howard Stern's Ed Wood prank call




Johnny Depp (and meat) behind the scenes of "Ed Wood"






The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide




Tor Johnson wrestles Pippi Longstocking






Tim Burton's "Ed Wood" music video




A Very Coleridge Christmas





I'm sorry. I don't know where that last video came from. Still, hope you liked the vids. Praise Wood!


Go here now to buy awesome cheap Church of Ed Wood merchandise!

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Magic of the IPDB ...

... it's ipdb.org and it's short for the Internet Pinball Database. INTERNET! PINBALL! DATABASE! How cool is that? It's the Internet Movie database for pinball fanatics and those closeted pinball fans like me. I've spent the last few hours stalking through the halls of the ipdb, deeply savoring those dusty, long since forgotten memories of an entire adolescence spent playing the silver ball.


My high school and college life was, in retrospect, so focused about pinball. In high school my semi-hetero former lifemate Tom and I would go to Golf 'n' Stuff (later Castles and Coasters) solely to take part in their impressive display of well over 30 pinball machines. And my love of pinball games shone bright in college especially. It was there that I would regularly spend a great deal of my parent's hard earned cash in flippers and balls. God. That sounds much worse than it actually was.


Here are my top four favorite pinball machines of all time ...


THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON




This is my absolute favorite pinball machine of all time. This is the closest there has ever been and probably ever WILL be to an Ed Wood pinball machine, not to knock the creativity and ingenious creation that is this sweet ass pinball machine. The twist is that, surprise, the whole game has hardly anything to do with the movie The Creature from the Black Lagoon. What it's really about is a trip to the drive-in to see some crappy movie with your friends. There's actual cool fifties music playing. There's a snack bar and there's even bonus points for sneaking your friends in. You spell K-I-S-S to kiss your date and you spell F-I-L-M to start the movie. But, as anyone who'se spent as much time at a drive-in as I have knows, the movie is always secondary to having a fun ass time and that's what this game is all about. The coolest part is in the middle of the game there's an ominous black "lagoon" and at certain points in the game a 3D holographic image of the creature will rise from the lagoon to get you ...




At Arizona State University, a college so slack that I would wake up at noon to go to bowling class, then head over to the music department for Beatles class, there was a decent arcade on the lower level of the student union. There was a dark room against the wall (that was never properly lit - why was that?) that had all the classic games of the late nineties ... The Addams Family, The Simpsons, Twilight Zone, Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, Star Trek: The Next Generation. And they had this. I loved this game. I would regularly miss class just to be with this game. Hell, I'd even kiss it sometimes when no one was looking. Five, ten, twenty dollars, all on a day of playing. I'm totally serious. The amount of money I spent on this game is criminal. But I couldn't help it. I had to. Don't you see that? As the founder of The Church of Ed Wood I felt it was my mission to forgo as much of my collegiate life as was necessary to master this pinball machine. And master it I did. See, Pepe? I did accomplish something with my seven years of ASU.


THE WHO'S TOMMY




The Who's Tommy is the first album ever to be classified as a rock opera. Green Day needs to kneel down and lick Pete Townshend's big toe. It's the sad and ominously psychedelic story of a ten year old boy who witnesses his father kill his wife's lover and due to this trauma he becomes mute, deaf, and blind, only to get raped, tortured by his cousin, accidentally become the world's greatest pinball player, become miraculously healed and then use his pinball skills to become a charismatic cult leader. Okay, so it doesn't sound all that inviting. But it went from a rock album into a play into a major(ly bizarre) motion picture and then into a major broadway play which this pinball machine is based on.


Now I would love to sit here and tell you that I've been a major fan of The Who all my life ever since I was a kid and that I was a huge fan of Tommy when this pinball machine rolled into town in the mid nineties. But I'm not going to lie to you. I was a sophomore in high school when the arcade outside of the AMC Gateway Village 10 got this bright yellow pinball machine that glowed and screamed and played the song Pinball Wizard way too loud every couple of minutes. And I had never heard of Tommy before. Never. Would you believe I first heard of The Who's Tommy through the pinball game? How pathetic is that? That's like saying you first heard of Rambo by playing the shitty NES game that nobody ever beat. So I played the pinball game, bought the record, bought the cassette, rented the movie, scratched my head, and became a huge Tommy fan, which I still am over 14 years later, all because of this pinball game.




The coolest and most frustrating part of the game comes during your multiball. A black blinder comes up to cover your flippers so you CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING just like deaf, dumb and blind Tommy. The small while card of rules on the lower left hand side of the game said that when the blinders came on that you had to "play by sense of smell." I hadn't heard of Tommy before and had no recollection of the song Pinball Wizard so I would literally smell the game trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Tommy the pinball game. Fucking awesome.


THE LORD OF THE RINGS




I'm not that big of a Lord of the Rings fan. I don't attach myself too well to films that have such a major dependency to a computer. Make fun of Ed Wood's Plan 9 from Outer Space all you want but at least the flying saucers in that film were real and made with human hands and not a point and click mouse and a lifeless computer screen. The more realistic movies get, the less humanistic movies become. The first film was okay I guess but when I want to be taken to an epic fantasy world I'll just reread Hogfather and play the Legend of Zelda. But despite my personal feelings for this film series, I will always hold a major soft spot in my heart for this pinball machine.


I played this game on my wife and I's first date in 2003. We drove to Old Sac and shopped and talked and hung out by the river. Then we walked to the downtown plaza. I think we were going to see a movie but instead we decided to go up to the ticket taker and ask if we could just go inside and play their video games. He let us in and I spent a few dollars so that Natasha could kick my ass in pinball. And wow, did she ever kick my ass. And there was something special about that, about me and this cute young angry chick playing pinball together on our first date. Now we're married and we have two kids. We don't have a special song but this is our pinball machine and it will always be the key to a very sweet memory of my wife.


THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE AND FRIENDS




I only saw this pinball machine once on the night I almost passed out on the floor of a Las Vegas casino on the strip from too many free beers from my imaginary best friend whose name I don't remember. But that was such an amazing night that ended with ten free dollars of playing this pinball game at three in the morning. Although many memories of that night are hazy at best, it is this pinball machine that I will always remember.


We went to a massive strip club called The Olympic Gardens in Vegas for my brother's bachelor party. Once inside my brother and all his friends quickly formed their own group that separated themselves from me. I thought I'd hang out with my cousin Tony but Tony, being rich and from California, quickly got lost in a haze of lap dances and VIP champagne rooms. I was left alone. But this fat drunk fourtysomething guy took pity on me and befriended me. He asked me my name and where I was from and told me to stand next to him and wait. I waited there for a few minutes and when a sexy dancer walked by he put his arm around her, told her that I was his best friend Steve from Arizona and that tomorrow I was getting married. The woman caressed my face, bit my ear, and proceeded to grind hard on me and give me a free lap dance. She also game be a free beer coupon. This scene repeated about fifteen times that night, each time a different sexy woman, a different lap dance, and a different free beer.


I estimate that by the time I somehow jumped into a taxi with my brother and his friends that I had somewhere between 12-16 beers. And I was newly 21, too, so my tolerance wasn't anywhere near what it is now. I know this is a funny story but I probably could have died. I don't remember getting in a taxi and I don't remember my brother helping me out of the taxi, dropping me off alone in front of my hotel. The thing is, I had only ever gone into my hotel thru the back. I had no idea where I was, where I should go, where my room was, and I was seriously in danger of passing out on the floor of a major Las Vegas casino. I am not exaggerating when I say that I spent well over an hour drunkenly stumbling around the casino floor.


I somehow made it into their shitty little arcade with only ten games. It wasn't anything to write home about. They hid it somewhere in the farthest corner of the casino. It was three am. And they had this strange ass Rocky and Bullwinkle pinball game that I had never seen before and I would never see again. And somehow, perhaps it was Ed Wood looking down at me, the game had ten dollars of credits in it.




I played every goddamn credit until there wasn't any more. Then I walked out and easily found my hotel room. The next day, and I'm being completely serious, I could not find the arcade. I'm not saying that it magically disappeared like brigadoon. I'm just saying I couldn't find it while I was sober. I never saw this pinball machine again but every time I see an arcade, which sadly is happening at fewer and fewer increments, I hope I see this pinball machine again.


HONORABLE MENTION: HERCULES, the WORLD'S LONGEST PINBALL GAME




I played this at the Guinness Book of World's Records museum at the Fisherman's Warf in San Francisco. I don't know if it's still there. My parents went to some resturaunt and drank like crazy while I went alone to the wax museum, the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum and the Guiness, all by myself as my parents drank. True story.


Do you want to know when this was, how old I was? Let's just say that at the ticket counter for the wax museum there was a sign that said "Yes, we STILL have OJ!" And they did. He was next to John Glenn in the American Heroes wing.




Phew! So there you go. That's my epic pinball post. Hope you liked it. I actually hope it succeeded in getting you excited about playing pinball.


SO WHO'S UP TO GOING HERE WITH ME? I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS! I'll take you to the Olympic Gardens. Maybe my best friend is still there.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Music For A Depressed Mexican ...

Los Apsons: Y La Quiero

Seether: Love Her

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Can't Stop

Audiovent: Rain

Ra: Walking and Talking

Townes Van Zandt: Waitin' Round to Die

Butthole Surfers: Cough Syrup

Queen: Under Pressure

Local H: Hands on the Bible

The Descendents: Sad State of Affairs

Poison: Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Seether: Fade Away

The Groovie Ghoulies: Frida/Grand Central


I'm currently drinking tall boys of Coors Light (despite what my brother-in-law says, my family's drink of choice) and listening to The Who's Tommy, the first album I've ever bought on iTunes. I did, however, delete the song about child abuse and torture (Cousin Kevin) and the two songs about child molestation (Do You Think It's Alright? and Fiddle About).


I'm also on Effexor, my new anti-suicide medicine of choice,as well as some super knockout allergy medicine. And did I mention that I haven't been eating hardly anything, partially because I'm broke and partially because Effexor is some sort of appetite suppressant. So I haven't been eating and I'm on the Keith Richards pill sampler platter. So these beers have been seriously effecting me. Four pills, two tall boys, hardly any food. I'm like Princess Di's driver the night she died. Dodie Al-Fiyed or however it's spelled.


This is one of those "drunk post" things, just to let you know. Congratulations.

Tired Mexican ...

... my body has somehow gotten in the pattern of waking up at 5:00 am every morning, whether I want to or not. Every damn morning, I'm awake before the sun is even up. And it's been driving me crazy.


I'm having a really hard time with everything lately.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Cons Of Being The Designated Driver ...



... it's past 3:00 am and I'm still wide awake. More than awake. I'm hyper as fuck/. What's wrong with me? And I've been up since 7:30 am, too, taking care of the kids and feeding them and playing with them. And I spent most of the evening chasing Bela and playing Nintendo Wii at Gwen's house.


So why the hell am I still awake right now? WTF?!?




Emerald goes to her grandparent's church fairly regularly. It's good for her and it means that Natasha and I get at least a few hours a week of alone time, which is usually the only time we have together all week.


Well, Natasha's been somehow guilted into going with Emerald every other week. And now it's my turn. Tomorrow (today) morning all the kids at church are going to present their dads with some special handmade present. So that means I have to go. To church. Christian church. Natasha's parent's asian-filled strip mall church.


It's 3:30 am and I have to go to church tomorrow morning. And after church I'll probably spend most of the day taking care of the kids all by myself as my wife nurses her massive birthday hangover.


God. This is going to suck so bad.




It's almost four in the morning and I'm watching Ed Wood's "Glen Or Glenda" and finishing my second beer. This is my second beer in two months. I didn't quit drinking per se. I just stopped drinking while my body got used to my new anti-depression meds. Now that it's been almost a two months, I'm starting to drink again. Nothing big, just a beer or two here and there at times when I need it like now when I can't sleep to save my sad broke brown ass life.


The party was fun. It was cool to hang out with Marisa and Gwen and Kyle and Lance and his adorable son and Bela and John and Milton and Joe and Nick in a calm, relaxed atmosphere where we can just hang out and talk and do nothing. I got to play my iPod, which I secretly adored (we have our computer back, which means that I can ONCE AGAIN update my iPod hourly) and the eating of crappy food was plentiful, which was great news for me and my depleating weight.


I'm also proud that, given the sheltered and naive upbringing I had in the mainly white suburbs of Glendale, Arizona, that now, at 30 years of age, I can comfortably enter into a conversation with three young black guys and have no problems at all. For someone as inner shy as me, that means a lot.




BTW, does anybody have $400 to $500 that I can borrow within the next 24 hours that I'll be able to pay back slowly within the next 1-2 years? It's kinda sorta an emergency.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

My Wife's Birthday ...



... it's my wife's birthday today. We're having a party tonight at Gwen's house. Should be fun.


I just wish that I had money to buy her something. I've never been this broke. I have no money, nothing. Bills have been a challenge. I haven't really been eating anything, either. I've only eaten twice in the last two and a half days and what I ate wasn't very much.


I've been having a rough time of things lately, in case you couldn't tell.




God. How pathetic am I that I can't even afford to buy my wife something for my birthday? I'm a horrible person.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Various Random Graduation Nite Whatnots ...



... tonight my five year old daughter Emerald is graduating kindergarten. We are all very excited. I'm actually missing a Harry Potter club meeting for this - I've ran a successful H.P. club since 2003 and have missed only two meetings before, both the result of Isabela being born. That's how big of a deal tonight is for me.


Actually, tonight is part one of a massively crazy week. Tonight Emerald graduates. Tomorrow I go back to the doctor's office to make sure I don't want to kill myself. I work friday. On saturday it's my wife's birthday and we're having a massive drinking blowout at Gwen's house. The day after that it's father's day and I'm being forced to go to church.


I can't believe that four years ago my little Em could barely say da-da and now she's reading on her own and writing cursive and doing math problems and singing along to the Groovie Ghoulies. I feel so proud and old at the same time.




I'm currently on the uppermost part of the bell curve that is my love of reading. I've read Mick Foley's new autobiography, a day by day look at his 2006 ECW comeback that pulls no punches in its criticisms of the WWE and would be a classic if it weren't for the 100 or so pages he devotes to his own humanitarian efforts.


I've also recently read an amazing book called Heroics For Beginners by John Moore. I know the name is a very generic one but he is so comedically talented that he deserves to be a million times more well known. He takes the classic dragon and castle and evil wizard and knight in shining armor tales and kicks their ass. Picture Terry Pratchett but from Texas and not full of himself.


I'm now reading an incredible debut novel called Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman. It's the ultimate novel for comic book lovers. It's obvious that Grossman knows a lot about comic mythology, both Marvel and DC. He takes the capes and the powers and the myths and the tights, the best parts of Batman and Superman and the Avengers and the X-Men and he turns it into a tender and unstoppable novel written from the points of view of a half-cyborg woman replacing a dead member of a super team and the nefarious Dr. Impossible. I started reading it thinking i'd get a kick out of it, given my own personal times spent trying to defeat my nemesis Captain Book, but I was caught off guard by its realism and its heart. I can't reccomend this enough. This is one hell of a book.


I'm also proud to say that Bradley Denton, the best novelist you've never heard of, has just had his modern American classic Blackburn reprinted and is now available to order from your local bookstore. It's a suprisingly touching coming of age-slash-serial killer novel and it's hands down the best book I've ever read. Bradley Denton's quirky, tender style deserves to be the voice of modern American fiction and the fact that he remains as unknown as he is is nothing more than a travesty. Go to Barnes and Noble and order Blackburn. It's epic.




I'm very close to getting Marisa and Natasha to agree to go with me to get matching tattoos.


We got this new Warriors book, warriors being the semi-popular warrior cat clan series of books for young children. It's a book on information on the various cat clans. Apparently the different clams have different symbols.


And, as regular readers to my blog no doubt know, my brown ass rolls with the Wind clan


How cool would we be with matching warrior cat tattoos?




And poor Emerald without a clan.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Captain Jack Clifford Sneaks Into Storytime ...

















Today at work a field trip came in, a group of about 16 pre-k kids from a local school.


Here's the twist ... the kids were SUPPOSED to go to the nearby Border's but messzed up and came to MY store!!! So, me being the greatest guy in the world, I did a makeshift storytime, reading my favorite and loudest books, and the kids went nuts for it. PLUS, I did it all LITERALLY right before my regularly scheduled 11:00 am storytime.


I rock so hard. I am one awesome sexy bastard.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

"Clifford, Get Out Of Here ..."

... apparently our store's district owns its own Clifford costume. Wow, I've worked in this district for five years and I've been in charge of kids for about four years and this is the first I've heard of this. Our store is babysitting the costume for an undisclosed period of time. So that got my mind rolling.


I'm now working on having Clifford sneak into my story time. Into EVERY story time. It's going to happen over and over again until Clifford starts getting annoying and becomes almost a sort of bad guy. It's going to be awesome. Every storytime, no matter what the theme, is going to have a Clifford appearance. And yes. I'm totally serious.


We already had his first appearance yesterday. It was rabbit storytime. I had the kids close their eyes and use their imaginations to picture a rabbit, a big rabbit, a big red rabbit with long ears and fluffy red fur. And then Clifford came out and the kids freaked out and rushed him and hugged him and everything. But I had to be the bad guy and break it to Clifford that it wasn't Clifford storytime, it was rabbit storytime. "Clifford, I'm sorry but you're going to have to leave." Clifford hung his head in sadness, got a few more hugs, then left.


This saturday we're going to have summer movie storytime and I'm going to read books from Shrek the Third and Spider-Man 3 and Transformers and that french rat movie. All through storytime I'm going to use the big magic Mr. Steve bag to try and make the characters appear and its not going to work. Then, right at the end, I'm going to try and make Captain Jack Sparrow appear. But the kids will be in for a big surprise when they see that the pirate that shows up is a much different pirate than they're expecting.


I'm going to do this all month, every storytime, over and over again until the kids start getting annoyed by it. And then, to tie the whole thing together, at the end of the month Clifford is going to literally TEAM UP with bookstore super hero Captain Book to defeat the evil and sinister (and ruggedly handsome) Dr. Borderz.


It's going to be awesome. I'm so great. I don't mean to toot my own horn but beep, beep.




Here's a friendly Steve tip for you: if you are very sensitive to medication and you start taking an anti-depression pill for about a month or so and then you accidentally forget to take it one night, prepare for the worst hangover of your entire life and believe me when I say that it's going to suck big monkey balls.


That's my NBC "The More You Know" promo.


Here's some music for your ass courtesy of the Wind clan which kicks all other warrior cat clan's asses ...


The Dears: Lost in the Plot

The Stranglers: Golden Brown

Death Cab For Cutie: Soul Meets Body

The Beatles: 'Til There Was You

The Zombies: Summertime

John Lennon: God

The Greatful Dead: Friend of the Devil

Gorillaz: Rock The House

The White Stripes: Icky Thumps

DJ Le Clown: Never Come Back From Paradise - It's a "Phantom of the Paradise" mashup for all my old school TFO friends out there, especially those of you living in Oregon with all the other white people.