NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Explaining Sacramento, California's Obsessed Fanaticism With Basketball To My 5-Year-Old ...

... I had been telling Emerald for about a WEEK that she was going to stay up late on tuesday and wednesday, tuesday to see A Charlie Brown Christmas with me and on wednesday to see the premiere of A Very Merry Shrekmas featuring the original cast of Shrek in a brand new holiday special. I don't dig on holiday specials but I did when I was a kid and I LOOOOVE Charlie Brown holiday specials. Keeping Emerald up to watch the Halloween special was a big deal for me, as was the Thanksgiving special. Watching the Christmas special two days ago with both my girls on my lap really made me feel better, got me thru my depression and made me happy to be a father. And Emerald was very excited for last night's Shrek special.


But, because this is Sacramento, a town with only ONE major sports team that the whole town needlessly focuses too much on, they preempted the Shrek special to show a crappy Kings/Golden State Warriors game. Emerald was crushed. I had to explain to my crying five year old about sports interrupting television shows. I warned her that her precious Friday Nigh Smackdown constantly gets interrupted by baseball in the spring and summer and used the Kings as an example. We still let her stay up until 8:30 and even gave her ice cream but it still sucked. I shouldn't have to explain Sacramento's obsessed fanaticism with their one major team.


They're going to play the special this saturday night at 9:00pm. How horrible is that?


Here's some free music for your punk ass. If I were to get my emotions and turn them into music, then they would be the following songs. Wanna know how I feel? Then listen ...


WWE: Randy Orton Theme

Eels: I'm A Loser (Beatles)

The Beatles: Misery

The Hives: Puppet On A String

Queen: Under Pressure

Eels: Novacaine For The Soul

Jimi Hendrix: Manic Depression

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Theater Pictures ...

Here's a very dark picture of Isabela watching her first movie in a theater, Enchanted or, as she calls it, Pwincess fall Down ...




Here's a giant Johnny Depp trying (and failing) to kill my kids ...




Natasha wasn't so lucky ...




... and this wasn't from the theater but its still awesome - bela falling asleep standing up.



Thursday, November 22, 2007

Giant Floating Bullwinkle ...

... in the thirty years that I've been alive, this is the second year that I have spent it WITHOUT my mother and father and older brother and too much Tecate. Last year, as the link will attest to, I deeply mourned the loss of this tradition. This year, however, I'm less mournful and more excited to be starting my own family traditions and passing on some from my crazy mexican family to my crazy Galindo family.


In a few minutes Emerald and I will sit on the couch and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. My dad and I used to watch that together. Back when I was a little wetbackling it started at 6am, so you had to wake up at 5:45am to be ready. Now there's the Today Show beforehand and it starts at 9am. Other than that very little has changed. There's still the first hour dedicated to current broadway shows. I loved that as theater fag high schooler but now I'm just excited to see theater chicks in spandex and short skirts in 20-degree weather freezing their asses off. I'm hoping, though, I get to see a peak of Young Frankenstein. And of course there's Bullwinkle and Bart Simpson. Emerald likes the singers on strange floats. And she's hoping that Word Girl is there. I'll let you know.


After that we're gonna see a movie, all of us together, Probably Enchanted. Either that or Saw IV, something the whole family can share. And then there's dinner with Natasha's family which, because they're white, will probably happen around six and not nine or ten like we USED to do it. There'll probably be yelling and maybe a fight, not like the Thanksgivings that my family and I used to share. Cops were never called to my family's thanksgiving dinner. It's a different world for me and I'm not 100% used to it. All I know is I'll definitely be holding on to my OWN tradition ...


I'll be bringing the squeeze cheese.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Some Tricky Shit ...

... our computer is on the fritz again. It works perfectly fine except for the USB ports, which aren't working at all. That means no charging my iPod and no mouse. It seemed impossible at first but after a night and a morning screwing around I've gotten pretty good at this super tricky no mouse stuff. I haven't figured out how to easily switch between tabs but I can pretty much go anywhere and do anything, albeit downloading music has so far proven impossible.


I'm nursing a wicked hangover, one of those hangovers where you just want to find a rusty knife and carve your brain right out of your skull. But things have been, well, not great but ... I guess leveling out is the proper terminology for it. Work these past two days has been good. Sure its the holidays and people are rushing you and attacking you but I've been on fire helping people and getting things done. Even monday when I covered all the cashier breaks and lunches didn't phase me too much because of how good I felt.


There's a lot of things going on in my life right now and sometimes I feel as if I have no one to talk to about them. I wish more than anything else that I could write about it here but I really can't. But as I've learned these past four or five days I do indeed have friend and when the fit hits the shan they are there to pick up the pieces of me.


I don't really like mexican food, but if its free then its the greatest food in the world. My lunch is going to rock.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Yeah ...

... it's exactly 3:50 am right now.


I'm pretty sure I'm going fucking insane.


My body is on a constant state of sickness and on top of that I don't know what's real, what's fake, if I know her or which one of her I know.


Ever feel like you want to slam your head into a brick wall until your brain spurts out? I feel like that all the time.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: Emerald Galindo ...

my name is emerald and i like to do i like to watch wrestling with my daddy.and i,m going to be six in december the 20ith.emerald,s these are things to do today.gamecube nap eat food watch movie eat icecream. i love my daddy

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Feeling Better Music ...

... last night after work I went to Applebee's, wrote a long letter, got drunk, argued with my wife and passed out at home before watching any of my shows. I was depressed and angry. I wanted to get in a fight, get in an accident, and seriously hurt myself. But when I woke up at 5:20 in the morning today there was something warm inside me that said that everything was okay now and that it was time to let go of the anger. So I let go. No more angry nights wanting to cut myself. No suicide music playlists on my iPod. No more. I've let it all go. I'm not saying I'm not depressed because I think I still am. But somehow I know that the worst part is over now. And that's fucking awesome.


Here's some music for your punk ass courtesy of the muthafukkin' Wind Clan...


Deadsy: The Key To Grammercy Park

Eels: Her

MF Doom: Kookies

Alejandro Escovedo: Arizona

Frank Sinatra: That's Life

The Hives: Hey Little World

Jimmy Eat World: In The Middle (acoustic)

Audiovent: Gravity

Eels: Eyes Down

Seether: 6 Gun Quota


My right ear is still fucked up, though. That sucks.

Monday, November 12, 2007

My F-ed Up Body, Part II ...



... here I am ONCE AGAIN sneaking a photo of myself on my cell phone while waiting in a room at the urgent care hospital. Apparently my entire body cannot be healthy at one given time. My sickness is apparently in some full body tag match, tagging each other in while the other one rests.


And with that excellent description in mind, my ribs apparently just tagged in my ears.


I have a severe (how come everything I get is severe) ear infection that has been worsened by a large amount of liquid that has built up in my right ear, causing me to lose about 75% of hearing in my right ear and about 15% in my left. I'm dizzy, tired, dizzy, my ears hurt like hell, I'm dizzy, I'm totally whacked out, my head is throbbing, I'm dizzy and everything sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. Plus there's a constant loud noise in my head like a junior high school swamp cooler or a black man's annoying booming bass in their car. It's a loud roaring noise and its driving me insane.


I called in sick to work. That's a big deal for me. My doctor asked when I wanted to go back to work and I said tomorrow. I could have, and probably SHOULD HAVE, taken a few days off. But storytime's tomorrow and I didn't want to miss that.


God I hurt so bad.




My life is so fucked up right now. There's so much more going on that I can't tell anybody. I'm starving myself. I'm sore all over. The scars on my hand are healing but they might come back again. I do a good job smiling and looking good but I am in serious bad shape.


Put me in your thoughts.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Drunk Night At The Galindo House ...



... it's 10:15 pm and Natasha, Jesse and Gwen and I are staying up hella late and drinking heavily and playing random card games that only a few of us fully understand. My iPod is playing strange songs like Busdriver's Imaginary Places while we play card games that we all don't understand (it's not just "Steve being STEVE") and drink incredibly heavily.


What makes this even worse-slash-even more awesome is that I have to be at work at six in the fucking morning tomorrow for a bullshit holiday meeting.


This is a drunk post. That's fucking awesome! I'm gonna walk into that meeting drunk and hung over and totally kick ass. That is totally sweet.


Thursday, November 8, 2007

Seether's New Album ...



... I'm in love with the band Seether's new album Finding Beauty In Negative Space. In between the last album and this one the lead singer Shawn Morgan has gone to rehab for alcoholism and had his girlfriend, the only slightly annoying Amy Lee of Evanescence, break up with him and turn his disease into one of the biggest rock hits of 2006. Now Shawn is back and very bitter. He's more jaded and delusional and depressed and that adds up to better music.


Here's some free music for your punk ass ...


Like Suicide

Don't Believe

Fallen

6 Gun Quota

Monday, November 5, 2007

Steve Accidentally Gives Birth To A Fairy ...

... storytime starts at 2pm and sitting right in the midsts of all the little children is a twentysomething hipster nerd and Captain Book fan, as evident by his rare Captain Book t-shirt. As Steve explains that the Tooth Fairy is scheduled to show up the nerdy Captain Book fan asks him if he's sure about that and then points out that in June the Fabulous Fairy Princess Bubbles McSparkles was supposed to show up but she ended up being kidnapped and instead the evil and sinister Dr. Borderz showed up dressed as a fairy and many kids were disappointed that they didn't get to meet an actual fairy. Steve nervously says that he's not sure if it's the actual Tooth Fairy or not but, joking, he asks him what other fairy could it be, The Chores Fairy, a fairy who gives kids boring chores to do? With the nerdy fan put in his place, storytime continues with Steve teaching the kids the official fairy rules, the last two being that a superhero can't fight a fairy, only fairies can fight other fairies ...


















Later when it's time for the Tooth Fairy to show up, a strange MALE fairy shows up with colored wings and a big white bag. Steve thinks he's the Tooth Fairy but NO ... he's the CHORES FAIRY! He gives the kids brillo pads and mops and brooms until Steve asks why he's here. The fairy explains to Steve that the Tooth Fairy was SUPPOSED to show up but once Steve mentioned the Chores Fairy then he appeared. Apparently fairies don't exist until someone believes in them so, technically, Steve created the evil Chores Fairy, who greets Steve with a "Hi Dad" ...


















Steve begs the kids not to chant Captain Book's name for fear that he'll get angry at him and yell at him and make him cry. Steve begs and begs and begs and of course the kids chant his name. Captain Book flies in with an audible SWOOSH. Steve tried to pass him off as the Tooth Fairy but the kids tell our hero the truth. Captain Book starts to wonder what evil, diabolical super villain could have created the Chores Fairy. A nervous Steve tries to change the subject but the kids tell our hero how Steve created the Chores Fairy and sure enough Captain Book yells at Steve and Steve cries like a little girl and tries in vain to blame the nerdy fan ...














Captain Book decides that he must stop the Chores Fairy, who laughs at our hero and dares him to try and fight him. Captain Book tries to fight him but every punch somehow gets deflected as if there's some invisible force field around the Chores Fairy. Captain Book falls to the floor and wonders why he can't fight him. Steve realizes what's wrong and reminds the kids about the fairy rules, that superheroes can't fight fairies. That's why Captain Book's punches are being deflected. Steve has DOOMED storytime ...








But wait! The nerdy fan runs away and comes back with the only person who can fight a fairy: another fairy! The nerdy fan has brought The Fabulous Fairy Princess Bubbles McSparkles to save the day! The two fairies start fighting it out in a strange slapping and pushing match that Steve remarks is like watching two butterflies fight. Bubbles McSparkles defeats the Chores Fairy and saves storytime. The nerdy fan is revealed to be ... nobody special, just a big Captain Book fan. That gives Captain Book the idea that he wants a sidekick, setting the stage for November 24th's big sidekick audition storytime. Bubbles McSparkles and Captain Book pose for pictures and all is well with the world once more ...


















The idea for the Chores Fairy was created by Laini, our Community Relations Manager and an incredibly nice, beautiful person. She came up with the idea months ago and a few male employees (who will remain nameless) expressed excitement at soon being able to see Laini and our store manager in a fairy catfight. We advertised the storytime like crazy, I got tons of kids excited, and we were all ready to go. But at 10:00am that day, four hours before storytime, Laini called. She was sick and couldn't make it. I was screwed.


First I though that my wife could do it but she was spending the weekend in San Francisco and couldn't make it to my big event. So I spent the next half hour repeatedly calling Megan and Marisa begging them to come help me out. Turns out Megan was in Chico and Marisa would stay dead asleep until 1:00pm. I was screwed. There were talks of canceling the storytime. Then Alex, a semi-new hire who LOVED dressing up as Clifford during my crazy Summer of Clifford, offered to be my Chores Fairy.


My crazed, cracked out answer, in one quick, deep breath, was "NO, no way, he's a guy, that wouldn't work, wait, that's be funny, I could make that work, YES, he's my new Chores Fairy, thank you Alex, I'll have a new script for you in ten minutes!" The next thing you know I have a new shortened script, a complete fairy outfit, bad ass gigantic colored wings, and a sweet bag of awesome props. It was just instantaneous how it all came together. I told anybody who could listen that I had spent literally eighteen years watching low budget Ed Wood movies as training just so that I could pull a storytime out of my ass like this.


It was horrible that Laini couldn't make it and I'm going to have to somehow work her into a future one. But this last second makeshift storytime ended up being the funniest, smartest, silliest and absolutely the BEST storytime I've ever done in the four years I've been doing storytimes.




Tomorrow is my first storytime with California Family Fitness. Should be interesting.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

On The Road To The Darjeeling Limited ...



... my wife goes out a lot. She hangs out with friends and parties and I have no problem with that, although I do get lonely spending those nights at home all alone. Natasha' says I can go out too but I always say that I have no one to go with. But two nights ago while I was getting drunk all alone and watching Reno 911 I realized that I don't need to go out with someone in order to go out. I can just go out. It's been so long that I've gone out that I had forgotten that.


That's why today, right now in fact, I'm going to find socks, put on my shoes, charge my iPod and drive down to the Applebee's by my work. I'm going to get a few beers, then go see the 2:00pm showing of The Darjeeling Limited. Then I'm going to go to a comic book store or maybe Dimple or maybe Best Buy. I don't know where I'll go. All that matters is that I do it and that I don';t forget that I CAN do it.


See ya!

Friday, November 2, 2007

New Stupid Post ...

... there is a brand new heart wrenching post up on my other depressed site Esteban Galindo's Stupid Blog and it is a DOOZY of a story. It's a whopper. It's a blockbuster. It's a story that some people don't even believe actually happened but it did and the story is being told in its entirety right now.


It's the fabled Galindo Punting story. It's one of the worst stories I'll ever post on my stupid blog. It's hardcore and violent and it's all about truth and trusting someone. It's a painful one and it's there for you to read right now. Go check it out. It's pretty amazing.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Forcing The Kids To Draw Hideously Demented Things With Chalk On Our Driveway ...

... this is a totally AWESOME new game that I invented while playing outside with the kids and drinking on my lonely sunday right before Natasha came home.


Emerald, Isabela and cousin Deinna were outside drawing on the driveway with sidewalk chalk and I was looking after them. The kids always want to play outside and I never want to look after them. I don't know why. It's always such a hassle looking after the little demons, Bela especially because she's a runner. It's not something I usually do but I was lonely and I figured with my iPod and a beer and my diary with me it wouldn't be such a chore.


A few minutes after we went outside, Deinna asked me if there was something I wanted her to draw.


Opening up my first beer, I said "Yes, there is. I want you to draw a monkey on an iceberg being shot at by aliens." And Deinna, being Deinna, drew just that ...




The kids liked the idea of drawing the demented things that popped up in my head and soon Emerald and Deinna were hard at work drawing whatever I told them to draw. This is Emerald picture of Superman buying shoes in Mexico ...




Here's another Deinna piece, this one is ten gummy bears trying unsuccessfully to eat a giant hot dog. The gummy bear clan leader is saying "Wait, we can't eat this!" Classic ...




Not sure who drew this one. I think it was Em but it just as easily could have been Dee. It's Isabela using her head to go bowling ...




This one is classic Deinna. I had wanted a t-rex roller skating and she gave me this awesome disco dinosaur drawing that's a million times cooler than I had originally wanted ...




This is Emerald's drawing of a disney princess wearing adult diapers and bleeding out of her eyes ...




A ninja eating popcorn at the movies ...




Jesus Christ's face appearing on a taco ...




Ronald McDonald being hideously run over by a car on his way to work. I specifically told them to draw Ronald being hit "Marisa" style ...




I'm a freakin' genius! Now I can't wait to go back outside and play.