... hiding in my cave, never to be seen again.
It's just not fun anymore.
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Sunday, March 30, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Page 91. Check it out for yourselves.
I'm in a textbook. I'm all academic an' sheet! Wind clan be alllll up in here, beyotches!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I went on vacation for nine days and after what seemed like forever I finally went back today.
Sadly, it seemed like nobody at work seemed to notice or care that I was gone.
I don't care, though. I'm still riding on the high of my birthday. Yesterday was amazing. I'm still riding on that awesome, liberating rock star feeling.
After my experience yesterday I seem to care more about my life and less about the world around me. That might sound like a bad thing to some but to me its music. I get so angry and upset at the ignorant people that I see at work and near my home. Like the homeless people that angrily accost you for change and the rich upperclass yuppies with their Gucci sunglasses and the black moms who don't pay attention to their four kids and the toothless crackheads and the ignorant teens wearing Scarface shirts and the lazy caregivers who let their speds (Galindo-ese for special education people) run around because they're busy reading Murderdog magazine. They anger me and disgust me and somehow I think I get angry at them because subconsciously I think they're ignorance is a reflection of me.
Well that's no more. Now when some asian lady on a cellphone cuts me off and almost crashes into me I just take a deep breath and shrug. I am my own life and that makes me happy.
That might not make any sense. But it makes sense to me.
I miss my OLD bookstore in Phoenix, the one next to Metrocenter mall. The employees seemed friendlier back then. I think more people at my Metro store would care that I was gone for nine days. I'd get a ton of hugs, I'd have to tell everybody what I did while i was gone, and then after work we'd all walk over to Bennigan's and drink ourselves silly to Dave Matthews Band songs on the jukebox.
I take my job too personally. I want all my fellow employees to be my best friend. But I think everyone else at work is smart and just works there for the paycheck. I thought everybody at work would miss me while I was gone and for a while today I was really angry at them. Now I'm angry at myself for thinking that.
The picture I used for this post I took a couple of nights ago. My wife and I are recovering ex-smokers, my wife a much heavier smoker than I was. I think at my peak I smoked a pack a week but usually I would go thru a pack of cigarettes every two weeks. So I was a regular smoker but nowhere near on par with what would be considered a "regular" smoker.
We have somehow taken to smoking a cigarette together on our porch in the cover of darkness really late at night every second or third night or so. It's good to go out in the stars with my wife and just smoke and talk. It reminds me of 2003 when we met at work, fumbling lustfully through a relationship at a breakneck pace. I think we started having a cigarette here and there again because of a combination of Natasha's tax job, my being overworked at my job and the relationship problems we're working on. It's good having this quiet time outside with her.
Plus I just thought it was an awesome picture. I'm wearing a skirt in that picture, too. Nothing sexual about it. It was clean and I didn't feel like putting on pants.
Monday, March 24, 2008
It was me, my wife and kids, John, Burns, beer, gummy burgers, funny ass episodes of Cheap Seats, Super Smash Brothers for the Wii and some good times. I got a PS2, four awesome games to go with it, good Dunkin Dounuts coffee, popcorn and a ton of iTunes gift certificates. My plan worked. Two kids from storytime actually gave me $15 iTunes cards, bringing my birthday total to $60 worth of iTunes. I tricked little kids into buying me itunes gift certificates, which just goes to show how awesome and simultaneously horrible I am. I wish more people could have showed up but it was very last minute. But the amount of people didn't matter. What mattered was that I had a really good time with the people that I care about.
And listening to Michael Burns reading the hideously legendary 'zine article Waiting in Line To Die: Death At Disneyland out loud in front of Natasha's parents while the kids dyed eggs is something I'll never forget.
I got one last birthday present this afternoon. And. it. Was. Amazing! Absolutely a-maze-ing! Wow. I honestly feel like a curtain has been lifted in my mind and that the world is a much better place. I honestly feel a million times better. Amazing.
Thank you joy.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Everyone should come. just call me or call my wife or e-mail me or SOMETHING. but everyone should come.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Anti-Anxiety pills? CHECK!
Money? Hardly any but CHECK!
Hardcore BBW porn DVDs? That's a big CHECKAROO!
Okay, so supply-wise I think I'm ready. Emotionally, though, I don't think I'm ready. I hate it when she leaves like this for one of her "business" trips. She leaves for a few days and I'm left at home alone with the kids. It's great to have some time alone with the kids and all that but having her gone leaves me all alone with my mind left to wander through lonely and depressed areas that I don't like to dwell on. It's so lonely being alone. I get so drunk at night watching the same crap over and over again. How many times can I watch the same 28 episodes of Cheap Seats?
Plus I've really been losing it with Bela lately. She's ass deep in the terrible part of the terrible twos, screaming and yelling and fighting constantly. These pills I'm on have succeeded in calming me down in every aspect of my life EXCEPT little Bela. She'll yell and scream to watch Dora, then yell at you for putting Dora on, she wants Blue's Clues, then she'll collapse on the floor screaming because you turned Dora off.
I really don't want her to leave. I hate being alone.
Monday, March 17, 2008
We WERE planning on going to Disneyland for my vacation and I was all excited. Then that de-evolved into a few day trips to various places near us like San Francisco and Monterey and Santa Clara and I was all excited. And now Natasha's going on a business trip for three days while I stay home and take care of the kids. And she's taking the laptop, so no iPod fixing or internet porn. Hopefully she'll be back for my birthday this saturday.
I'm trying not to get upset over the de-evolution of our plans. I'm trying my best to breathe deep, take my pills, and embrace this time I get to spend with my kids.
I better get me a twelve pack tomorrow.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Sure both people really like me. heck, I forced the district manager to wear a stupid outfit and be Captain Book's dad Admiral Chad Bokington ...
... and another reason they both like me is my impressive CorpSpeak powers. When backed into a corner by suits, I have the amazing ability to turn on a serious, business-like corporate side of me. I rattle off numbers and plans and goals and ways to better sell and motivate. I talk in a slightly deeper voice and I have a firm handshake and my face becomes a look of seriousness. It makes me look serious and businesslike and the suits and managers love it.
But its just an act. it's some theatrical character that I use when suits ask me questions. It's not really me. It's a joke. And I usually can't control it. it just turns on and I go with it. And it makes me DEEPLY uncomfortable, like I just somehow betrayed myself.
Again, not looking forward to today.
Monday, March 10, 2008
This is my 800th post since 2002. If there is better proof of my lack of friends, I don't know what it is.
Wind clan out, y'all!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
I imagine that there's a few reasons for my happiness that I could pinpoint, the majority of which I can talk about and a few, well ... a few that I can't. The first major reason is that my body is finally feeling healthy - absolutely no finger problems or leg pains. It feels good to feel good again. My body has been shitting out on me since November when I got a face full of the worst news EVER and my screwed up body responded to the news by slowly and systematically dying an incredibly painful death. So it feels really damn good to feel better again.
Secondly, work is really good. I recently learned that my position at work has been saved by a corporate axe that has been cutting positions. That's a huge sigh of relief. I love my work and I feel that I owe something to my job. I met my wife there and now we have two amazing daughters and it wouldn't have happened without this job. So even when I'm covering five breaks and zoning 15 bays and busting my ass for no recognition and little pay and hardly a thank you, at least I can think of my darling daughters and thank my job for helping them come to me. That's strange thinking, i know, but that's how I see it.
Then there's our huge tax windfall. We have money now. We bought a new dvd player that doesn't work like crap. AND we bought DVD's! And we even have FOOD now, the kind you can EAT! It's pretty good knowing that there's some money around, not a LOT by most people's standards but enough to get gas and beer and food.
And we also have A KICK ASS laptop. Well, WE don't have it per se. My wife bought it for her job, but it's usually here at home for me to use to check my e-mail with and watch dvd's with and masturbate with. It's so much nicer having the internets by my side, checking the shitty sites that make my life happier for no reason. It's nice.
Plus I'm on new meds. It's been about two or so weeks that I've been on it and I'm feeling a million times better about everything in my life. I'm not going to mention what it is I'm on. There's kind of a negative association with it. I'll tell you it's not Gleemonex ...
... and so far it's doing wonders for me, a million times better than the last stuff I was on, Effexor. I think the reason why this stuff is working better than the other one is that THIS TIME I didn't read the fine print, didn't learn about the side effects, didn't visit the web site, didn't prepare my subconscious mind for a super brain freakout. That's good. I haven't felt this good in a long LONG time. Everything is easier for me to handle now. No more swollen knuckles smashed against brick walls. Things are lighter like a kite on a breeze and that makes me feel so much better.
There's so much more going on. Serious stuff, bad stuff, amazing stuff, rock star stuff, bad ass stuff, nasty stuff, dirty stuff, horrible and beautiful and disastrous stuff. Stuff I can't talk about. I can hardly talk about it to anyone I know and I definitely can't blog about it here. The thing I did last wednesday I actually talked about to someone at work, an old friend of mine that I thought would talk to be and be there for me. But it all went bust and now she doesn't even talk to me. I don't exist to her. And that just emphasized the whole "can't talk about it" thing. This is stuff I can't talk about.
But I want to tell EVERYONE about it! I do. I'm like Dustin Hoffman's character in Wag The Dog. you ever see that movie? A million times underrated. Dustin Hoffman plays a movie producer who saves a failing presidency and gets him re-elected by faking a war. Throughout the film he rants about how producers don't get any awards or recognition. All they get is the credit at the end. And all he wants for his work with the president is the credit he deserves but can't get.
That's me. I want the world to know the secret sordid details of my life. But I know that I can't and that tears me up inside.
That's that. In a nutshell. It's one am and I'm on beer four, so read this end part now before it gets deleted.
I really felt that Kids in The Hall video, brought back a lot of memories, so here's some more ...
I have two days off. I deserve it. I work my ass off for nothing, plus my secret life is all sexy rock star, so I deserve a few days off. the thing is, the next two days will be cleaning up this nasty ass house which will no doubt be ten times more stressful than work. So I'm kinda screwed, which is why I'm currently watching Sarah Silverman's movie Jesus Is Magic (which today I bought used at a closing down Hollywood Video for only five bucks) and drinking canadian beer pretty heavily by myself.
It's 1:37 am. I should go to sleep. but i don't want to. Like is good. I'm staying up drinking. While I can.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I did it. Guilty as charged.
It's over now and I'm back at home. My awesome pimp night is done and over with. And I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter, more confident, like I can breathe better. I did it. I can't believe I did it but I did.
And you know what? I feel GREAT! I really do! Any worries I had before, they're gone with the wind. I feel amazing, great, wonderful, sweet, awesome, killer, rock star, totally top of my own private goddamn world. It's that mental teflon I talk about occasionally, that feeling like you're a hardcore awesome ass pimp untouchable golden god. Yeah. That is totally me right now.
So that's that. I'm gonna finish this beer and get my ass to bed.
Wow. What a great day. It's been a LONG ASS TIME since I've honestly felt this good.