I imagine that there's a few reasons for my happiness that I could pinpoint, the majority of which I can talk about and a few, well ... a few that I can't. The first major reason is that my body is finally feeling healthy - absolutely no finger problems or leg pains. It feels good to feel good again. My body has been shitting out on me since November when I got a face full of the worst news EVER and my screwed up body responded to the news by slowly and systematically dying an incredibly painful death. So it feels really damn good to feel better again.
Secondly, work is really good. I recently learned that my position at work has been saved by a corporate axe that has been cutting positions. That's a huge sigh of relief. I love my work and I feel that I owe something to my job. I met my wife there and now we have two amazing daughters and it wouldn't have happened without this job. So even when I'm covering five breaks and zoning 15 bays and busting my ass for no recognition and little pay and hardly a thank you, at least I can think of my darling daughters and thank my job for helping them come to me. That's strange thinking, i know, but that's how I see it.
Then there's our huge tax windfall. We have money now. We bought a new dvd player that doesn't work like crap. AND we bought DVD's! And we even have FOOD now, the kind you can EAT! It's pretty good knowing that there's some money around, not a LOT by most people's standards but enough to get gas and beer and food.
And we also have A KICK ASS laptop. Well, WE don't have it per se. My wife bought it for her job, but it's usually here at home for me to use to check my e-mail with and watch dvd's with and masturbate with. It's so much nicer having the internets by my side, checking the shitty sites that make my life happier for no reason. It's nice.
Plus I'm on new meds. It's been about two or so weeks that I've been on it and I'm feeling a million times better about everything in my life. I'm not going to mention what it is I'm on. There's kind of a negative association with it. I'll tell you it's not Gleemonex ...
... and so far it's doing wonders for me, a million times better than the last stuff I was on, Effexor. I think the reason why this stuff is working better than the other one is that THIS TIME I didn't read the fine print, didn't learn about the side effects, didn't visit the web site, didn't prepare my subconscious mind for a super brain freakout. That's good. I haven't felt this good in a long LONG time. Everything is easier for me to handle now. No more swollen knuckles smashed against brick walls. Things are lighter like a kite on a breeze and that makes me feel so much better.
There's so much more going on. Serious stuff, bad stuff, amazing stuff, rock star stuff, bad ass stuff, nasty stuff, dirty stuff, horrible and beautiful and disastrous stuff. Stuff I can't talk about. I can hardly talk about it to anyone I know and I definitely can't blog about it here. The thing I did last wednesday I actually talked about to someone at work, an old friend of mine that I thought would talk to be and be there for me. But it all went bust and now she doesn't even talk to me. I don't exist to her. And that just emphasized the whole "can't talk about it" thing. This is stuff I can't talk about.
But I want to tell EVERYONE about it! I do. I'm like Dustin Hoffman's character in Wag The Dog. you ever see that movie? A million times underrated. Dustin Hoffman plays a movie producer who saves a failing presidency and gets him re-elected by faking a war. Throughout the film he rants about how producers don't get any awards or recognition. All they get is the credit at the end. And all he wants for his work with the president is the credit he deserves but can't get.
That's me. I want the world to know the secret sordid details of my life. But I know that I can't and that tears me up inside.
That's that. In a nutshell. It's one am and I'm on beer four, so read this end part now before it gets deleted.
I really felt that Kids in The Hall video, brought back a lot of memories, so here's some more ...
I have two days off. I deserve it. I work my ass off for nothing, plus my secret life is all sexy rock star, so I deserve a few days off. the thing is, the next two days will be cleaning up this nasty ass house which will no doubt be ten times more stressful than work. So I'm kinda screwed, which is why I'm currently watching Sarah Silverman's movie Jesus Is Magic (which today I bought used at a closing down Hollywood Video for only five bucks) and drinking canadian beer pretty heavily by myself.
It's 1:37 am. I should go to sleep. but i don't want to. Like is good. I'm staying up drinking. While I can.