NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

The End of an Era ...



Today is Mild Mannered Kenton's last day at the bookstore. It is also the last storytime with the original Captain Book. Seventeen months of creating a silly and fairly massive mythology, all coming to an end today with the departure of the ORIGINAL, or what will now be known as Golden Age, Captain Book.


We've done some amazing things with Captain Book in the past year and a half. We had the kids from storytime create super villains, we had the district manager play Captain Book's long lost dad, we had Captain Book protect the release of the final Harry Potter book in front of over 500 people at our Midnight Magic Party, and we even had a six-person evil villain super team attack storytime. And now that's all changing for good.


To be honest, I'm trying not to be really upset about it.




Plans are in motion for what to do AFTER Golden Age Captain Book. His departure today at 2:00pm will kick start a four month long Captain Book EVENT of epic proportions. Things are happening. It's all very exciting.


Stay tuned ...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Indiana Bela ...

I saw the first Indiana Jones movie at the UA theater by Metrocenter mall with my brother Joe on the day it came out. I was incredibly young. I remember the boulder and the spiders on the guy's back and I remember falling in love with Marion.


The second one I saw at the AMC theater inside Metrocenter with my brother and our cousins Tony and Eric. I remember liking Short Round, hating Willie, and being scarred for life by the heart removal and the monkey brains.


The third one I saw at Christown mall with my brother and my mom and my friend Alex Zamora. I remember crying at the end and being sad that there wouldn't be any other Indiana Jones movies.


The other day I wanted to watch the Temple of Doom. But Isabela was still awake and she wanted to watch Dora. I told her no and put on the second movie. It was 9:30pm and Bela stayed awake and watched THE WHOLE DAMN THING, every frame, and at 11:45 pm when it was all over she said "Daddy, NOW can I watch Dora?" I had to put it on for her, the little trooper, and she fell asleep after about ten minutes. Now my little two year old loves Indiana Jones!




I showed it to Emerald and Deinna, too, and they loved it. And now, this afternoon, me and Natasha and the three kids are heading down to catch the 3:45 pm showing of the new Indiana Jones.


And, the best part? My older brother Joe has flown in from Phoenix to see it with me and my kids. That means a LOT to me.


We're supposed to go out drinking tonight. We might, we might not. I've been sober for three weeks straight. I'm nervous, but excited all the same.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Sorry, Jesse, But It Was AWESOME ...

The way it looks like now is that my wife has a job that requires her to travel around a lot. That means that I'm going to be the person staying home and taking care of the kids and the house. I need to stop getting depressed and suicidal and just get used to that. But that also means that I really want to spend more time with my wife in the small amount of time that I get with her. For example, she left last tuesday, she came back last friday, and now she leaves tonight until this friday again. So when she's here for the small amount of time she's here I want to be able to spend time with her and go places with her.


That's how I ended up dressing up and going to church with the kids so that afterwards we could go to Dixon and the Northern California Pinball Convention. This is me looking all dressed up for Jebus. Note the tie. I'm suddenly all about looking my age. I'm not some young angry guy anymore. I'm 31 years old. I'm in my thirties now, for Wood's sake. I need to start LOOKING thirty-one. Hence the belt I now try to always wear (older people ALWAYS wear belts) and the tie, the first tie I've ever bought. It's a black tie with a remote control design on it and it was only a dollar at Target. I get a ton of compliments about it ...




This is a picture of the girls playing pinball. Bela couldn't reach, spo Natasha and I took turns trading her off ...




This is a blurry picture of an old school Beatles pinball machine ...




it cost $5 to get in, then all the games were free. Since we arrived late on the last day, most of the booths were taken down and a LOT of pinball machines were already taken down. There were probably about 70% of the games there were on the other two days we didn't go, but we still had fun. The problem was, the games were free and so the GOOD games (Addams Family, Indiana Jones, Simpsons, South Park, Pirates of the Caribbean) were always taken.


And since it was free play, it was (hypothetically) possible for an ignorant little ghetto wetback preteen douchebag from Dixon to go play an eight player game of South Park pinball all by himself for like a HALF HOUR because he was an asshole who I should have beaten the spick out of. And it was also (hypothetically) possible for a balding yuppie white bread clueless dad to leave his poor little eight year old kid all alone in front of the ONE GAME that I wanted to play and let that pathetic little kid play that one damn game all by himself over and over and over and over again for a whole fucking HOUR while his dad has a midlife crisis while playing the Elvira pinball game that he used to play back when he was single and happy and childless.


This is all hypothetically, of course.


I did get a few good games in. I got one play of Addams Family, a few games of Simpsons, and a few other strange and awesome ones ...







I was into the games from the 70s on, the ones with ramps and lights. My wife and the girls, though, spent most of their time in a side room that had a collection of games from the 50s and 60s. I liked these games fine. There was one thing I wasn't used to about all of them: heavy, small flippers ...




Right before we left (it was in an old high school gym and there was NO A/C and it was 103 degrees, so we were dripping sweat) Deinna beat Emerald in a baseball game where one pitches the pinball and the other swings the flipper bat. I loved it when I was her age and back in the day if you did really good it would spit out baseball trading cards. Well, I challenged Dee and used my experience to wipe the FLOOR with her with only a SLIGHT pinch of shame for kicking a nine-year-old girl's ass ...







Sorry Jes.


But you can totally come with with us when I convince my wife to go to our NEXT two big adventures ...


The 2008 Pacific Pinball Expo


Playland (I am DROOLING about this place)


Can't wait. Here's some music for your punk ass ...


Barenaked Ladies: Bad Day (from their AWESOME new kids cd)

Jim's big Ego: Mix Tape

The Hives: Puppet On A String

Schoolhouse rock: Naughty Number Nine

Eels: My Descent Into Madness

Andrew Jackson Jihad: Candle In The Wind (Ben's Song)

Ween: Slow Down Boy

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Top 5 Artists With The Most Songs On My iPod ...

5) TIE: Raconteurs/Kepi Ghoulie (16 each)


4) Gnarls Barkley (17)


3) Beatles (31)


2) Ween (33)


1) Eels (71)


Ween has overtaken the Beatles! This is a historic day! Also, kepi, the former frontman of my former favorite band the Groovie Ghoulies, just released two solo albums simultaneously. Good stuff.


Anyway, I've got to go. I'm going to church, then straight from church we're all heading off to the Northern California Pinball Convention. AWESOME!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Alrighty Then ...

My wife is leaving again. She's leaving tonight. She'll be back on friday. Probably. Maybe.


We're kinda sorta fighting right now. There are things I don't deserve.


She's taking the van with her for her trip, which means I have to go to work in my shitty air-condition-less car that keeps stalling for no reason. Plus she's taking the computer, so no internet, either.


I quietly quit drinking about five days ago. This will be my first time being sober while she runs off. I'm frightened. I don't know if I can stay sober through these quiet, lonely nights.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Breasts and MP3s ...

I post this video NOT because I get my jollies watching athletic young foreign college girls stripping and giggling while showing off their taunt young growing college girl boobies and gently massaging them together. No, that would be perverted and I am NOT a pervert.


No, I'm posting this video because I CARE! Let it be said that Steve cares about breast cancer and health and women and flowers and babies and vaginas and shit. Yeah, all of that crap. Steve cares.


Here you go ...




Thank you Youtube! Apparently nudity and penetration is FINE on youtube as long as its for medical reasons. That's kind of shocking to me. And because I care (and NOT because i'm a pervert) I also want to help stop cervical cancer.


Anyhoo, it's been a while. Here's some mp3s for your punk ass ...


The Raconteurs: Five on the Five

Ween: Spiritwalker

Eels: I'm Going To Stop Pretending That i Didn't Break Your Heart

Barenaked Ladies: Bad Day (from their new KIDS cd)

Mudkids: Basically

2 Skinnee J's: Grown Up

Raveonettes: You Want The Candy

Ween: With My own Bare Hands

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Lyrics For "In Spite Of All The Danger" By The Beatles

In spite of all the danger,
in spite of all that may be
I'll do anything for you,
anything you want me to,
if you'll be true to me.

In spite of all the heartache,
that you may cause me,
I'll do anything for you,
anything you want me to,
if you'll be true to me.

I'll look after you
like I've never done before.
I'll keep all the others
from knocking at your door.

In spite of all the danger,
in spite of all that may be,
I'll do anything for you,
anything you want me to,
if you'll be true to me.

In spite of all the heartache
that you may cause me,
I'll do anything for you,
anything you want me to,
if you'll be true to me.
I'll do anything for you,
anything you want me to,
if you'll be true to me

Friday, May 9, 2008

Youtube Kids And More ...

The other day I mentioned at work in receiving that my kids were really into the youtube video What What (In The Butt). They all played dumb and for a while I was really upset about that. This is a video that has become the Hotel California of homosexuality and has gotten well over 11 million hits on youtube, which is one of THE most popular websites in the history of websites, for Wood's sake! But then I realized that, working at a bookstore, you're surrounded by people who are fairly hip and intellectual and astute and therefore they are the type of people who automatically go vehemently against anything in any way mainstream. Youtube is popular, so it's NOT popular at my work.


This is Samwell, the current John Lennon of faggotry. He made a video for his latest single and posted it on youtube. Somehow it became one of the biggest internet videos of all time. It's essentially the BE ALL YOU CAN BE of gay sex, the BE A PEPPER, TOO of gay ass fucking. It's a funny, tongue in cheek, over the top, queer mating call that somehow works as a superfag recruitment video. Seriously. Even the most manly of people (Lemmy from Motorhead) would be hard pressed watching this video and NOT wanting to fuck another man's ass. THAT's how catchy this song is.


Here you go, bookstore hipsters ...




I saw it online and showed it to my wife and while I was showing it, because we get no privacy, Bela and Emerald crowded around us and watched it too. Since then they've LOVED this video! And once you get past hearing your two year old daughter sing "You wanna do it in my butt" it's cute as hell. Bela even does the head swirl and the eyebrow dancing that Samwell does. It's super cute. I just hope and pray Emerald doesn't start singing it at her uber-christian private school she's in now.


And here's Butter's new internet sensation from South Park a few weeks back, thereby signifying Samwell's importance in fagdom ...




Here's an article from CNN on Samwell's importance in the world of gay culture and how he's seen as the gay jesus.


I was busy downloading chapters of Ed Wood for my iPod when I decided to open a tab and show the kids all those youtube videos that are popular with most of america (and yet somehow no one working at Barnes and Noble) and we had a fun half hour watching Dramatic Gopher and Sneezing Panda and Numa Numa and What What (In The Butt). Then Deinna wanted to record a song and I decided to one up her and make a video ...




The video I made with the kids isn't exactly an internet sensation YET. But I DO have an internet sensation I made a few days ago, one that I'm fairly impressed and ashamed with ...


IRON MAN SPOILER ALERT!!!


So my wife and I had an awesome time on our wedding anniversary. We knew for about three years now that there was a christian-themed roller skating rink about ten minutes away from us, but we never bothered. That was awesome. We also bought a thirty dollar bottle of imported italian wine and got ripped up. Olive Garden was awesome. And Iron Man was awesome, too.


There's a scene at the end of the credits. My wife and I ALWAYS stay until the end of the credits. And there was only 1/30th of the audience left in the theater for the BEST SCENE in the MOVIE and when we got home, slightly drunk, we went on youtube to try and find the scene.


We found THIS, which I found to be a slightly racist post from a man who knew NOTHING about comic books.


So, after one or two beers more on top of the italian wine and the three beers and the vicodin I already had in my system, I posted THIS very inebriated video reply, recorded somewhere around midnight with a head full of a LOT of things ...


Now, I idn't think it would be popular. I never think that any of the stupid videos that I post on youtube will ever be popular. Besides, seeing the video again its so clearly obvious to me that I'm drunk and wasted off my ass. I slur a ton of shit. I'm super uber mecha-smart ass. It's condescending and stupid and childish and the worst smart ass that I have in me.


As of the moment I write this, that stupid video has gotten almost two THOUSAND views. And that's in only three days. That's a lot of reactions, not a lot of them positive. The video I responded to I thought seemed to be upset that a black actor was playing Nick Fury, so I drunkenly issued a rebuttal. And a lot of people got pissed at me about making it a racial issue and, because this is the internet, they responded with racism.


In three days, i've had a lot of really bad things sent my way because of my stupid little youtube video. See, when someone loves a youtube video, they're prone to be silent about it. But when they HATE a youtube video they're prone to be twenty times louder than they would be normally. And it's hard not to be down when faced with such negativity.


THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM THE COMMENTS OF MY POPULAR YOUTUBE VIDEO:


I could burn ants with my thick ass glasses.

My opinion doesn't really matter at all.

I'm fucking a mama racist bit ch, whatever that is.

I'm flagged, and apparently I should give a shit about that.

I'm a dumbass.

I'm either a fucking asian asshole or a fucked up looking mexican and I suck at trying to be funny.

I am a geek and the hearts behind me look UBER gay, despite the fact that anyone who unironically uses the word UBERGAY is in fact gay.

I wear douche-nozzle glasses, whatever they are.

Bill Cosby is not funny to talk about or to listen too, unless you assholes from the 60's want to sound "down with it".

I need to please delete my Youtube account and get a girlfriend and move out of your mom's basement, despite the fact that i'm married with two kids.

I am a racist pig.

Me and my apparently lesbian wife are apparently KKK RACIST pice off white-crap and we are the problem on our planet!!!! Three exclamation points there. We are WHITE-TRASH!!! We are a big shame for the humanity and a big heroes for the same hitler!!!!

I am a racist gay.

I am a douchebag, racist emogay.

I am a dumb-ass frustrated comedian comic geek. (This one hurts the MOST because it hits the most home.)

I'm a douchebag.

I'm a a fking idiot, whatever the hell an F King idiot is.




I am tempted to delete the whole stupid video but somehow that would mean that the racist ignorant bastards would win, that their ignorant jabs forced me to cave in and delete my post. I'm trying to stand by my drunken ideals but its hard to when a thousand people hate you, even when they're invisible.


Anyway, this 22 year old guy who calls himself TheGuyWithPepsi, whatever the fuck that means, posted a message NOT on my video but on my actual profile page, saying this ...


"what the hell is wrong with you.
I am a black person i speak for everyone
who saw your video.
What is wrong with you ?
Do you have any problems ?
Are you Gay ?
Are you a mentally retarted ?"


Apparently one twentysomething, Pepsi-obsessed douchebag somewhere speaks for EVERYONE who saw my video. And apparently I'm gay and mentally retarded.


I automatically wanted to reply by saying dirty, nasty ass shit on HIS youtube profile page. I thought up dirty, nasty, ignorant, blasphemous, horrid, horrible ass shit to say. But instead I took the high road and posted THIS instead ...


"A fool go with thy soul, whither it goes!"
-Henry IV, part I


Screw Rick rolling people. I'm Shakespeare-rolling people. Because the high road always tastes sweeter than whatever cheap thrill the low road can achieve.

More Random Stuff ...



I am not, repeat, NOT, a furry. I just have a thing for women dressed as bunny rabbits. It all stems from the first porno I ever saw. I was seven or eight. It was an old school "classy" porno from the seventies starring John Leslie. It was on Beta and in it he fucks this "teenage" (meaning 20ish) girl who just came from a costume party. She has while panties, white bra, the ears and a little fluffy tail. I was seven. It stuck.




I'm at home with the kids. And Deinna is staying the night, so its loud and crazy and loud and loud. Meanwhile my wife and some of her "work buddies" are getting ripped at a strip club. So I'm here sad and alone and SOBER with teeth that are killing me and the constant girlie yelling of three crazy girls having a slumber party. And Bela's pooping everywhere. Meanwhile my wife is having drinks with her sexy friends and they're checking out titties and getting sexy fucking lap dances. As you can imagine, it's hard not to be jealous.


I am a hard worker and an incredibly nice guy. I am in fact TOO hard of a worker and TOO nice of a guy and I feel as if a lot of people take advantage of that and I seem to be incapable of telling them to stop. I think that subconsciously I keep being nice in the hopes that i'll be rewarded, that people will say thank you and reward me somehow. But I also kinda know that that's not going to happo\en.


The open source software on THIS WEBSITE allows you to download ANY youtube video as an mp4 video that plays on your iPod for free. I downloaded a few MST3K shorts and some videos I made of the fam. Now I've given all that up for a major undertaking. I am downloading the Tim Burton movie Ed Wood onto my iPod. It's the first time I've tried in any way to download a whole movie. It's taken me all day. It's a pain in the ass but it's Ed Wood and therefore it'll be all worth it.




I just took a video of me and the kids. I uploaded it onto youtube. I'll post it later.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Halfway ...

Today is our wedding anniversary. Five years of being together and three years of marriage.


It's been a busy day. This morning Natasha and I went to Cal Skate and took part in their Adult Skate hours on monday mornings. We both hadn't gone roller skating in forever, so our everythings are killing us. I think it was the both of us and about twelve 40 to 60 year olds with their OWN skates skating circles around us. Well, around my wife. MY Glendale, Arizona Great Skate skills were dormant and yet still go unmatched. The whole experience was pretty awesome slash pathetic, awesome that it's been forever since i got my skate on and pathetic that all these old people were smoking us, and I can't wait to go back.


Then we got Isabela and took her to the zoo, her very first zoo trip. Amazing. Now we're home for a small pit stop. We're heading to Olive Garden and then to go get drunk and see Iron Man. We might not have time to also see Baby Mama. I haven't told my wife this yet.


See ya.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Nothing Much To Say ...



I pulled my back and my shoulder blades out pushing my piece of shit car yesterday. Picking up a cup of water, raising my hand, even walking and breathing just hurts like hell.


I've also been getting a TON of dental work done lately. My teeth ache bad. I've been taking vicodin. A lot of it.


My wife left last monday. She was supposed to come back on wednesday. She came back friday instead. Things were tense but its getting better.


I'm on kinda rocky ground right now. My boss came into my section and asked me how I was doing. And I started crying. Right in front of her. Kind of pathetic. I tried to hide it. I don't think she noticed.


I have 21 songs by Ween on my iPod. I've been really into them lately.


I've lost three pounds in the last few days. And that's good. I drank A LOT when my wife was gone.


I purchased a copy of "The Lascivious World of A.C. Stephens and Ed Wood Jr." on dvd the other day and yes, the Ed Wood religion I created in 1996 is indeed mentioned briefly in the extras of disc two. I just wished I didn't have to pay so much for the damn dvd. I mean, I love Ed Wood and all but I'm half past broke. That's thirty fucking dollars that could have gone to food or toys or movies for my girls. So now the dvds sit unwatched because they make me feel like an asshole.


I've been watching a LOT of hulu.com lately ...




That's about it. I don't feel so good. I should probably get to bed. It's midnight and I've been up since five in the morning. Well, good night.