NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Top 5 Artists With The Most Songs On My iPod ...

5) Beck: 21
4) Ween: 28
3) Frank Sinatra: 34
2) The Beatles: 43
1) Eels: 54


The Beatles rocket past Ween and old blue eyes to become a close # 1 as Eels slowly fades down from the seventies to the fifties. Beck comes in due in part to his amazing new album. Can The Beatles finally usurp The Man Called E and take the top spot?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

MONTY PYTHON has a BEER!!!



I was at Bevmo and I swear I almost shit myself!


I was never more close to breaking my three months of sobriety than I was holding Monty Python beer.


The ale was commissioned to commemorate the 30th anniversary of Monty Python. I'm not sure how it tastes. I'm worried it tastes like British ass. Maybe it';s best that I'm still sober. Still, pretty cool, huh?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How Awesome I Am ...



Emerald is off to camp. Church camp. She's been so excited these past few weeks. She left yesterday morning. Then my wife went to help her brother and his wife move into our complex and then she went and picked up a new couch for us and all of that took most of the day. It ended up being me and Isabela alone for the whole day, really lonely and sad.


God I miss Emerald so much.


I'm going in to work today. I actually have two days off, yesterday and today, but I'm going in today for storytime. I probably shouldn't go in for storytime but I'm smack dab in the middle of summer and my crowd numbers have been getting bigger and bigger. I don't want to leave a storytime with an audience of 30 or 40 kids to someone who doesn't want to do storytime, you know?


That's why I'm going in today. It's because I'm awesome.


I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar or manic depressive. I need to get a psychiatric evaluation but I'm afraid to. And besides, I don't even know how to go about that without spending money I don't have. And what makes this all difficult is there's that part of my brain that's my father saying that this is all bullshit and that I'm making this all up and that I'm waisting my time taking pills.


Yesterday I was really depressed and lonely and dark. But right now I'm feeling happy and high and manic and cool. Hopefully that feeling will last.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Scene From Muppet Wizard of Oz ...

All I Want ...



I know that it's a "group effort" and not one person is responsible, but when the numbers are low then who is to blame? Me. And when the numbers are high, like they are now, then apparently THAT'S WHEN they say "It was EVERYBODY! It was a group effort. It was ..." everything BUT me, you know? But everybody who works under me has just continued doing what they always do. They haven't busted their asses trying to get these numbers up.


All I want is a little credit. I work hard. My numbers are great, through the roof, and I have worked hard to get those numbers that way. Apparently under our new regime it's TOO MUCH to ask for a little positive recognition.


I can't sleep. It's horrible.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Post #850: A Store Full Of Myself ...



I did my usual crazy storytime last saturday for about 30 kids. It was a full hour of nonstop crazy manic Mr. Steve, who the kids just love. It was extremely crazy. My storytimes have recently been getting weirder and weirder lately. The Pigeon from Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus showed up and pecked me in the face. He's a regular character and the kids love to see me get pecked. Also, a massive full sized Peter Rabbit showed up and we almost got into a fight, setting the stage WWE-style for our big wrestling match storytime on August 2nd which I'm looking at as my pay-per-view. The kids are excited that I'm going to be actually fighting a real life classical literary character. The parents can't believe we're serious. We're calling it THE RUMBLE IN THE BRIER PATCH. How awesome is that? And then we all lay down on our faces for about ten minutes. It was about an hour and five minutes of just absolute loud insane craziness.


afterwards, because of bad scheduling, I immediately had to run the kids craft club, another hour of loud, messy craft-related madness that usually I don't do because I'm not crafty. Also, doing another hour right after the marathon of storytime is incredibly hard. Plus, I know jack about crafts.


So for the craft club I set up this great pirate craft. You color this paper drawing of a pirate bandanna and an eye patch, cut them both out, then punch holes in them and use string to turn your colorings into something you could wear like a real pirate. It was pretty awesome and I even printed coloring pages for kids who might be too young. I thought of everything. And, as a joke, I drew a Charlie Brown-esque drawings of MYSELF and turned that into Mr. Steve masks.


As a joke, you know? I didn't expect what happened.








A store full of me. Pretty cool.


Also, there's my numbers. In March my numbers were down. My department was ranked #97th in the region. So I straightened up, worked hard, worked hands on with my employees, handsold more, spearheaded some great ideas, redid most sections within my department, worked more with managers, and above all I started wearing ties and belts. We just got the numbers in for June ...




I went from 97th to 13th in only three months. It's quite a remarkable feat. I post about this here on my blog because no managers at work, save Tami, seem to care too much about it or want to make a big deal about it. That's why I'm putting it here. It's pretty cool.




This is my 850th post in six years. That's awesome. Hooray for me. I have some mental problems. I'm very manic. at times I'm shy and quiet and reserved and at times I'm frightened and at times I'm angry and want to punch my fist thru a wall and at times I'm the crazy manic energetic Mr. Steve that the storytime kids know. But mostly I'm a bit reserved and shut in. What I'm saying is I don't have a lot of friends. I don't open up enough to have people I can call or go to the movies with.


That's why there's 850 posts on this blog. This blog is my imaginary friend. Thanks for reading it.


Here's some free music for your punk ass ...


MC Serch: Here It Comes

Eels: Guest List

Perry Como: Magic Moments

The Format: Compromise (acoustic)

Barenaked Ladies: Raisins

Beck: Gamma Rays

Friday, July 18, 2008

Without The Wife Photos ...

Work Steve. Trying to be professional is an uphill battle ...




Me in pajamas for storytime ...




The look on my youngest daughter's face when I leave for work. She's out and I have the hardest time leaving her ...




My two supermodels ...




Getting the kids all worked up before bedtime ...




Two giant Chick-Fill-A cows visit storytime (and I'm honestly freaked out) ...




Dinner while my girls watch Mars Attacks ...




Bela asleep on me ...




What a great wake up call ...




My storytime polaroid hall of fame, a collection of a few memorable storytimes going all the way back to January 2004 ...



Monday, July 14, 2008

Another Trip, Another Lonely Steve ...



My wife is leaving for another one of her work trip. She's leaving tonight after the kids go to bed and she's coming back sometime thursday. I have a lot of problems with her job. It's not your usual job. It's been really tough for me to deal with and my body seems to be paying the price. My eyes have been burning, I've been having really bad nosebleeds, my asthma, which has usually been very minimal, is suddenly kicking me in the ass and waking me up at four or five in the morning. I've been having anxiety attacks and I've been deeply, dangerously depressed. Usually I dealt with depression with a healthy dose of my kids and an unhealthy dose of beer. But I'm sober now and I'm also on two different types of anti-anxiety, anti-depression meds. I don't know if i can deal with another work trip alone, you know?


Anyway, no internets for a while. Lame. See you later, invisi-friends.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

My "Straight Edge" Lifestyle ...



When C.M. Punk burst onto the WWE wrestling scene about two or so years ago I immediately did not like him. His punk lifestyle, loud punk theme music, and his endless tattoos were something that, as a man about to burst into his thirties, I was not interested in. He also constantly proclaims that he's "straight edge," a term I was unfamiliar with until Nikara moved back to Sacramento from Iowa where according to her practically everyone was very heavily "straight edge" meaning drug free and alcohol free. That was another reason I didn't like C.M. Punk. He was straight edge and I was a drunk. I didn't like the punked out "straight edge" Punk.


Then C.M. Punk wasn't given any push by WWE and sunk down into the midcard level, wrestling scrubs in matches no one cared about.


Then, out of nowhere, he won a Money In The Bank match at Wrestlemania, meaning that he won a briefcase containing a contract for a match against the heavyweight championship of his choice. And that match could be anytime and anywhere.


Then, in no way related to the previous events, I became sober. I slimmed down, started wearing ties and belts, and found myself looking more adult, acting more mature, and, whether I liked it or not, I became "straight edge."


Then, four months after Wrestlemania and about a week and a half ago, Edge came to Monday Night Raw to mock announcer Jim Ross and got a surprise beatdown courtesy of his old rival Batista.


And then ...




Former midcard bit player C.M. Punk is now the World Heavyweight Champion.


I never wanted to be drug free and alcohol free. The drugs I hardly touched save the occasional puff of a joint but I never felt like leaving my drinking behind forever. But I have. I've been sober for 64 days now. And whether I like it or not, I'm straight edge. Just like C.M. Punk.


I'm happy for the guy. And excited. FINALLY the WWE is shaking things up WITHOUT having to resort to giving away money.

Monday, July 7, 2008

My Second Steve Show ...

Well, my second show was another amazingly failure.


God, where to fucking start.


First off, there's a ton of drama that's surrounding me (I'm not a part of it, it's surrounding me like I have some sort of invisible force field) that's all about my brother-in-law's baby momma and a fight and an angry husband and all this other shit. My wife has taken it upon herself to help with the drama and therefore I've had two days off and during those two days I've pretty much been left alone to take care of my darling Emerald and my loud screaming crazy terrible twos poopmachine Isabela AND their cousin Deinna AND her crazy manic rude A.D.D. sister Autumn who NEVER LISTENS TO ANYBODY! I've been so stressed out listening to them scream and yell and fight that I swear there have been times that I wanted to kill myself, to literally just slit my wrists and end it all instead of spend another second with these yelling screaming girls.


And then my wife and I had a yelling match right before I started, LITERALLY a few seconds before I started the show and that just tensed me up for the whole thing. I just wasn't comfortable.


Plus I promised the four girls that I would put them in the show. so I started off the show and while I'm trying to do my intro (it doesn't matter in retrospect because I didn't have any sound anyway) I can hear the kids yelling and crying outside and my wife raising her voice and putting the smackdown on the kids and that mixed with everything else, the drama and the fight and all that, I started getting an anxiety attack. So I had an anxiety attack throughout the whole show. Fucking incredible.


Then I have the four kids in there and they're just yelling and screaming and running around everywhere. I couldn't handle it. My wife cane in and had to take all the kids out because you could see that I just couldn't handle too much of it, you know?


And also I thought it would be cool to do the show in the bathroom because it would be quirky and funny and also there's great lighting in there. Well, when there WAS sound it was all echo and you could barely hear me, apparently. So once my wife took the kids away I tried to talk honestly and openly about my feelings and my problems. But apparently because of the bathroom you could barely hear me. and also my wife told me that I was too close to the microphone and I had to back up.


But all this just built up and it was all just too much. I couldn't do it, so i just stopped the whole thing. Now my wife is pissed off at me because she took the kids out of the room and I just stopped the show. Somehow she sees that as a slap to the face or an insult or something. So we fought right before the show and then we fought right afterwards, too. How great is that?




That's Autumn with the "Fuck Off" shirt. And that's a confederate flag on top of the White house on Emerald's shirt.


THIS is why I take so many pills.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Too Much Pokemon ...

I'm here walled up inside this dirty ass house with four little girls who fucking LOVE Pokemon. I'm currently at the end of the fifth episode I've watched today. That's five in a row, non-stop. Yesterday I watched seven episodes. the day before that I watched about nine or ten episodes.


I can feel my brain melting from too much Pokemon ...





Free music ...


Frank Sinatra: If You Go Away

The Zombies: She's Not There

Perry Como: Magic Moments

Schoolhouse Rock: Figure Eight

Riddlin Kids: Stop The World

Authority Zero: Talk Is Cheap

Cake: Frank Sinatra

Frank Sinatra: That's Life

Eels: Lone Wolf

Schoolhouse Rock: The Great American Melting Pot


I'm designating tomorrow a Poke-free day for me and my family. No Pokemon all day. I don't think Isabela can do it, but if I have to watch any more Pokemon my dick will fucking explode from all the watered down Japanese stupidity.


These girls are driving me crazy. Its times like these that make my days off even more stressful than my actual job. And that's saying A LOT if you knew my job.




THIS song is how I feel today ...


I Die You Die: Losing My Mind

Friday, July 4, 2008

My Second Online Show ...



Ok, so my first show on blogtv was a silent failure. Yes video, no sound, and an hour of talking without realizing that no one can hear.


But we just bought a brand new cam a few hours ago. We opened it, set it up, tested it out ...



pimps - Broadcast your self LIVE


... and it works!


SO, my NEXT new show will be this monday night at 10:00 pm eastern time, 7:00 pm California time. Special Guests Emerald, Ron Burgundy the Cat AND the Voice of My Wife. It'll be fun and strange and you should join in and watch.


Thursday, July 3, 2008

My (awesomely pathetic) First Show ...

So I had my show tonight. I have been super excited about it for almost a week now. We had an hour long show, where we talked about such diverse topics as abortion, gay marriage, kittens, root beer, and illegal immigrants. It was funny, light hearted, and my daughter and I did a whole bunch of super funny, hilarious things. When I mentioned gay marriage I was surprised at Emerald when she said "Ew" that turned into a 20 min discussion on gay marriage that was very touching. The chat screen didn't pop up so we couldn't interact with our viewers but I still thought that it was a funny, touching, and awesome first episode of the Steve Gee show.


However, since the chat function was off, no one was able to tell me until after the show that I had no sound. My first broadcast, totally ruined. The funny things I was saying, the talks I had with my daughter, the funny and honest things I had to say, the debate my daughter and I had over homosexuality, all lost forever.


You have no idea how disappointed I feel.


The next episode of Not The Steve Gee Show will premiere as soon as I can figure out how to get the god damn microphone to work. Or we get a cam that doesn't suck ass.

Tonight's Special Guest ...

Right now I'm drinking coffee, feeding my relentless iPod and popping all my happy pills while my six year old Emerald and I watch The Princess Bride.

It's funny. The more Isabela does her terrible twos the closer I get to Emerald. She is all over me and I want nothing more than to spend time with her.

Emerald will be my special guest tonight on the NOT The Steve Gee Show. Our topic will be abortion.

Or kittens. Abortion or kittens.