NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Before I Go, It's Time To Vote ...

I have SEVEN movies and each one wants to be this sundays Church-less Movie Of The Week.


So use the COMMENTS link on the bottom of this post and vote on what YOU think should be the next Church-less MOTW!


BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS:


GODZILLA VS THE SMOG MONSTER:


GODZILLA: FINAL WAR (featuring every Godzilla monster EVER):


THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN (the all midget musical western):


BANANAS:


DUCK SOUP:


LEFT BEHIND 2 - TRIBULATION FORCE:


Days Without ...



My wife is leaving again tomorrow morning for "work." That means I'll be without my precious internets.


Wish me luck.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Broke Down ...



I'm on the damn facebooks.


You kids and your rock and roll music and your rock 'em sock 'em robots and your pez and your loud music that I don't understand because I'm old.


Anyhoo if you're so inclined come fine me on the facebooks.


At you were.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Me And The Animals Watching The Rain ...



It's almost 2pm. My Church-less movie is over and I'm waiting for my kids to come back from Jesusville to watch the second part of my double feature. I'm watching the rain with my dogs and cats, drinking coffee, singing Jesus Christ Superstar songs, waiting for my family and listening to the sound of the rain hit the roof of my white tin porch.


Everything's beautiful right now.


Now the kids are back and we're making a movie. My niece Deinna, she's the half of my two and a half daughters, wrote the script. It's a romantic comedy. We're finishing filming and then I have to edit it together using the computer.


Listening to music and watching the rain.


Here's some more free music for your punk ass ...


The Beatles: Rain

Letters to Cleo: Here and Now

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from Wikipedia and breeded with IMDB ...


"Jesus Christ Superstar is a 1973, Oscar-nominated film adaptation of the rock opera of the same name, based on the last weeks before the crucifixion of Jesus. The film was directed by Norman Jewison. Ted Neeley and Carl Anderson were nominated for two 1974 Golden Globe Award for their portrayals of Jesus and Judas, respectively.


During the filming of Fiddler on the Roof, Barry Dennen (who played Pilate on the concept album) suggested to Norman Jewison that he should direct Jesus Christ Superstar as a film. After hearing the album, Jewison agreed to do it. The film was shot in Israel (primarily at the ruins of Avdat) and other Middle Eastern locations in 1972. The cast consisted mostly of actors from the Broadway show, with Ted Neeley and Carl Anderson starring as Jesus and Judas. Neeley had played a reporter and a leper in the Broadway version, and understudied the role of Jesus. Along with Dennen, Yvonne Elliman (Mary Magdalene), and Bob Bingham (Caiaphas) reprised their Broadway roles in the film. Originally, Jewison had wanted Ian Gillan to reprise his role as Jesus, but Gillan turned down the offer, deciding that he would please fans more by touring with Deep Purple. Like the stage show, the film gave rise to controversy even with the changes to the script.


The film begins with a group of actors arriving in a bus and preparing for the filming of Jesus Christ Superstar during the overture. In this scene only the actor portraying Christ is not seen leaving the bus. Jesus seems to appear in the midst of the dancing cast. This is echoed at the end when he is not seen entering the bus to depart. The show gets underway, and we see Judas sitting on a hill watching Jesus surrounded by followers. Judas is worried about Jesus' popularity — he is being hailed as a God, but Judas feels he is just a man, and fears the consequences of their growing movement ...




The film as well as the musical were criticized by religious groups. Tim Rice said Jesus was seen through Judas' eyes as a mere human being. Some Christians found this remark, as well as the fact that the musical did not show the resurrection, to be blasphemous. Some found Judas too sympathetic (in the movie it states that he wants to give to the poor, although the Bible leaves out his ulterior motives). Also, in the film Judas is played by an African-American actor rather than a Jew or Caucasian. Biblical purists pointed out a small number of deviations from biblical text as additional concerns; for example, Pilate himself having the dream instead of his wife.


According to the commentary, all the windy shots in the film was all natural. No wind machines were used. 'King Herod's Song' is actually a number from 'King Richard', a failed Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Tim Rice had to write new lyrics for this number so that it could be added to 'Jesus Christ Superstar'; originally, the number was called 'Those Saladin Days'. Actors were required to 'hydrate' every twenty minutes while on location in the desert. Huge, 'multicolored' blocks of ice were brought in from Tel Aviv for this process.The '39 Lashes' scene in Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) was so realistic that Ted Neeley's Mother walked out on it. Mrs. Neeley had never laid a hand on young Ted in an anything but affectionate manner, and could not bear the sight of her son being whipped and tortured by anyone else, even though she knew it was just acting."


Overture

Heaven on their Minds

What's The Buzz?

Strange Thing Mystifying

Everything's Alright

This Jesus Must Die

Hosanna

Simon Zealotes

Pilate's Dream

The Temple (Roll On Up, Jerusalem)

I Don't Know How To Love Him

Damned For All Time/Blood Money

Gethsemane (I Only Want Say)

Could We Start Again Please

Superstar


Steve's Snacks of The Week:


Good Coffee

A Third A Bag Of Chips

Expensive Rocky Road Ice Cream

Mellow Happy Pills

Miniature Valentine's Day Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Undeniable Horniness




This is one of my all time DREAM musicals I wish to be in before I die.


The list:


Jesus Christ Superstar
Pippin
Sweeney Todd
Plan 9 from Outer Space: The Musical


There are probably more musicals that I can't remember.


Plus, big ups to my old catholic school friend Alex Zamora. We both loved this damn musical. In fact, we went downtown and saw THE Jesus and Judas from the movie do a stage version of this in like 1991 or 1992. It was memorable because 1) the lead singer from the band Styx was Pontius Pilate (which even back then I thought was kind of silly) and because 2) Jesus fell off the stage during Roll On Up Jerusalem when Jesus trashes the temple. Jesus Christ fell right off the fucking stage. He was rushing on stage to fucking kick the moneylending jews asses and he slipped and face planted right into the orchestra pit. And man, it doesn't matter that whores and moneylenders are doing drugs and fucking and shit - if Jesus falls off a stage, even the biggest sinner will help him get up. I know that now, thanks to Alex Zamora.


I guess I probably could spin that into some sort of deep philosophical thing if I was only a bit smarter.


Watch Jesus Christ Superstar For Free Now!


Oh, and by the way, today might be a double feature. I actually bought a NEW dvd with my pile of used vhs. It's a movie featuring more giant monsters than you could shake a stick of dynamite at. But the kids want to see it, too, so I might have to wait for them and see just whatever b-movie shit I have here as a double feature instead. Either way, there might just be TWO church-less movies this week.


Stay tuned ...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Totally Obsessing ...



I'm obsessing with my Church-less Movie of the Week. It's become the high point of my week. It's what I look forward to. All week busting my ass off at my job and dealing with screaming daughters at home, I deeply look forward to the small time that I get alone every sunday while they go to church. All week I think about what movie I should see, what foods I should snack on, what I should blog about when I blog about the film. I've been buying up used vhs videos by the truck full. It's an obsession, my own private Jesus-less film fest. And I fucking love it.


For tomorrow I've got chips, ice cream, and one of my favorite musicals from junior high. I can't fucking wait.


Here's what I've seen so far ...


December 7th: Godzilla VS Mecha-Godzilla

December 14th: Godzilla VS Mothra

December 21st: Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster

December 28th: Lord of the Rings (Rifftrack edition)

January 4th: Godzilla VS The Sea Monster

January 11th: Series 7 (The Contenders)

January 18th: House of Wax

January 25th: Police Story 3

February 1st: Left Behind the Movie

February 15th: Godzilla VS Megalon

Thursday, February 19, 2009

For Megan ...



Mr. Mister: Broken Wings


Because if I have to have this stupid song in my head, then EVERYBODY should have it in their head.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...

This week's Jesus-less feature film takes us back to our big green roots. Ladies and gentlemen, in this, our 1,001 blog post since 2002, I bring you the REAL reason the twin towers were knocked down ...




Yoinked from the wiki:


"Godzilla vs. Megalon (ゴジラ対メガロ, Gojira tai Megaro?) is a 1973 Japanese tokusatsu kaiju film directed and co-written by Jun Fukuda with special effects by Teruyoshi Nakano. It was the thirteenth film to be released in the Godzilla franchise. Godzilla Vs. Megalon was originally planned as a non-Godzilla film, a solo vehicle for Jet Jaguar, which was the result of a contest Toho had for children in mid-to-late 1972. The winner of the contest was an elementary school student, who submitted the drawing of a robot called Red Arone, which superficially resembled both Ultraman and Mazinger Z. The robot was renamed Jet Jaguar and was set to star in Jet Jaguar vs. Megalon, which pitted him against Megalon. However, after doing some screen tests and storyboards, Toho figured Jet Jaguar would not be able to carry the film on his own, either in screen appearance or marketing value, so they shut the project down during pre-production. Nearly a month later, producer Tomoyuki Tanaka called in screenwriter Shinichi Sekizawa to revise the script to add Godzilla and Gigan. To make up for lost production time, the film was shot in a hasty three weeks. The production time totaled at nearly six months, from planning to finish.


Godzilla vs. Megalon has attracted the ire of many Godzilla and kaiju fans in the decades since its original release. The film is largely responsible for the reputation of Godzilla films in the United States as cheap children's entertainment that should not be taken seriously. It's been described as 'incredibly, undeniably, mind-numbingly bad' and one of the 'poorer moments' in the history of kaiju films. In particular, the special effects of the film have been heavily criticized. One review described the Godzilla costume as appearing to be 'crossed with Kermit the Frog.'


In the audio book for the Daily Show's America : A Citizen's Guide to Inaction, Jon Stewart discusses Godzilla vs. Megalon as a US Supreme Court case, finding in favor of Megalon, deciding that the 'emission of lighting from its horn-like appendage did not constitute a violation of Godzilla's civil rights.'"




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:


Coffee (large amounts to keep me awake during this schlockfest)

Pills

Grapes

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies That Kids At Storytime Made Me

Gatorade

Reheated Chinese Food Leftovers

Any Piece Of Candy I Can Find


And here is what's considered to be on of the WORST fights ever ...



Tribute To Loneliness: THE 1,000th POST!



Ed Wood's Orgy of the Dead (opening)

The Sprites: I Started A Blog That Nobody Read

Eels: I'm A Loser

Guns N' Roses: Don't Cry

The Wrens: This Boy Is Exhausted

The Descendents: Sad State Of Affairs

Born Ruffians: I Need A Life

Ed Wood's Orgy of the Dead (dialogue)

The Gothic Archies: The World Is A Very Scary Place

Fiona Apple: Sally's Song

Eels: Beautiful Freak

Raul Malo: It Only Hurts Me When I Cry

Beck: Guess I'm Doing Fine

Ed Wood's Orgy of the Dead (ending)

Friday, February 13, 2009

This Is My Life ...



-I'm on the computer watching youtube videos about the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. I really miss that place and my thoughts stray to my old friend Michael Burns who could somehow afford random trips to Disneyland whenever he wanted to. I struggle with bills and I survive paycheck to paycheck. I don't have money for myself. I wish I could be Michael Burns sometimes.


-My daughter Isabela is playing Lego Star Wars. That's all she wants to do lately. It's a great game and all that but having to play it and help her with it ALL DAY is grating on my nerves.


-Emerald just came home from school. She got her report card. All A's. We're very proud of her. Now she's playing Star Wars with Bela and the two of them are at each others throats, yelling at each other about who should go where and do whatever.


-My wife is currently locked up in the bedroom taking sexy (and possibly nude) pictures of a female friend of ours that I think is very attractive. And that's really sexy and exciting and all that but I'm not allowed to watch or be involved with what they're doing at all. So I'm being shut out of the photo shoot. It's frustrating. I'm so frustrated sexually right now my pants could explode.


-Lauren and Duane's dog Penny is here, too, and he's a hyperactive little yappy-type dog who's running around like a super crazy mad crackhead. It's driving me mad.


-I called in sick for work. Always feel guilty about that. I wanted to get some rest today because I haven't been sleeping a lot, my energy levels throughout the day have been lowering, I've been exhausted constantly and I'm starting to get rings around my eyes. But instead of resting I took care of Bela and fucked around on the computer. That's it. Totally wasted day.


-We have a ton of money. A ton of it. And it's ALL going to bills. So we have money. But we're broke. It's frustrating as fuck and when I think about our family's financial situation I just can't help but think that I am a horrible father and a horrible provider. My mind is trying to bring me down. And it's kinda working.


-My iPod is trying to play over all of this. Hyperactive rock, mellow lounge, sad moody songs, crazy Japanese pop, mad punk covers, Sinatra. The song styles are changing faster than my mind's moods.


-My head, my brain, it feels like it's on fire. I can't explain it. My brain feels like it's about to explode. I want to get a rusty fork and just scoop my brain out. either that or slam my head into a wall until all the noise and screaming stops.




Anyway, there you go. That is my life. Sometimes it drives me absolutely batshit insane and sometimes it's great. Today is somewhere in-between. I'm right on the verge of having an anxiety attack right now and screaming on the top of my lungs. But I'm not there yet, so as long as I'm not in the red then everything's ok.


Here's some music for your punk ass courtesy of the Wind Clan ...


The Wrens: This Boy Is Exhausted

The Rutles: Joe Public

The Stooges: Search and Destroy


By the way, this is the 999th since 2002.


Get ready. We're just inches away from a loneliness milestone ...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I Heart My Parents ...

Last saturday my parents came to see me at storytime. Afterwards they drove me to Grocery Outlet and bought me $250 in groceries, toiletries and various toys for my daughters. It couldn't have come at a better time because we have been wrestling with money like a roller coaster. Sure my wife's last trip brought back over a grand but we have been so dangerously in the hole with bills that a grant only puts a dent in our bills. So food had been pretty scarce for us. Now we're good and it's because my parents really came thru for me and my family.


Thank you guys. I love you guys very much. Thank you so much for helping us out.


Here. Have some cute pictures of the kids ...











Monday, February 9, 2009

Oh My GODZILLA ...



WWE Pay-Per-View in June. WWE presents Night Of Champions, the big ppv where all the champions fight each other. It's a big one. Huge. And, get this, it's June 28th at the ARCO Arena in Sacramento, California.


HOLY SHIT!!! I have to go! Me and Em, side by side, the pyro and the music, me and my daughter holding up signs and rocking our asses off and having a buttload of fun.


Anyway, my ultimate fantasy dream is to have the kick ass $250 seats on the floor by ringside. Those are special steel folding chairs with the promotional poster of the pay-per-view on the chair AND you get to keep it.


But, you know, tickets go on sale this friday. And tickets are as cheap at only $15.00 each. A-A-A-AND my birthday's coming up next month ...


(wink, wink)




Here's a ton of free wrestling music for your punk ass ...


Kane (old theme)

MVP

The Ultimate Warrior (shout out to my big bro Jose)

Evolution (Motorhead)

Edge

The Great Kahli (new theme)

Chris Benoit

Stone Cold Steve Austin

R-Truth

Randy Orton (new theme)

John Cena

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Steve's (usually) Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...



... this week's Church-less movie of the week will NOT be seen this week on account of me having to take the damn kids to damn church because my usually very church-ey wife is too busy vomiting.


Shit, now I'm going to have to look around the house and see if I can find my fake church face.


Here. I know.


THIS will get me in the Jesus-ey mood.


Jesus is better than Spider-Man ...




Jesus can totally kick Spider-Man's punk fucking ass! Hell yeah, bitches!


God I hate going to church. My Ed Wood tattoo always itches when I go there.


It's like I told my mom and dad yesterday ...




I think it's really important that my kids go to church. Keeps them innocent and naive and makes sure they stay kids. I think them going to church is almost as important as me NOT going to church.


'Nuff said.


This has been post #995. We're nearing a loneliness milestone here so stay tuned, invisible friends!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I'm Back ...



... and I'm feelin' pretty damn good.


But you know me. Lets see how long this lasts, eh?


Gonzo and The Electric Mayhem: I'm Going To Go Back There Someday


By the way, this is post #994.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Another Lonely Sunday ...



This is me typing on the laptop while sitting on the steps of our house while the girls play outside during the Super Bowl halftime. I'm wearing a World's Greatest Dad hat and Captain Book's cape. The girls are (hopefully) working off their steam and energy because they're full of way too much of it.


I'm really watching the Super Bowl for the commercials. I'm that type of person. Plus I'm lonely with just a house full of crazy little girls. Watching a shared experience almost makes me feel like I'm not lonely.


These five girls I'm babysitting are driving me absolutely batshit insane. They're screaming and running around and playing and going crazy. It's absolutely trying my patience. I'm trying to be good dad and fun uncle but these girls are a giant ball of shut the hell up.


I'm trying. It's just hard.




We went back inside. It got dark quick. Natasha's not here. She came home from church, hung out with me for about twenty minutes, but the got a phone call and just took off. She said she was going to have some food and then buy a bra. That was around noon or one and now it's pitch dark outside.


I know she doesn't purposefully take off every day I have off. I know she doesn't mean to leave when I'm home. But I'm hungry and lonely and fragile and on a shitload of medication. I'm struggling to stay sober and I cut myself, although I;m trying to stop. I'm suddenly a fragile, paranoid, 30something guy. It's hard not to think that she's ditching me. But I know she's not.


She's leaving town for "work" for the lest few days. I hope it's a success and we get some cash. Hopefully. Because we're starving. And I'll try not to get lonely, to cut myself, and to freak out and get all paranoid and shit. I'll try.




You know, sometimes I worry that I'm too honest in my blog. But that's just how it is. It's who I am.


Wish me luck on my next few wife-less, computer-less days.


This has been post # 993.

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...

I am REALLY excited about this week's church-less movie because, hell, it's almost like actually being at church ...




Yoinked from Wikipedia:


"Left Behind: The Movie is a film released to theaters, VHS, and DVD in 2000, starring Kirk Cameron, Brad Johnson and Clarence Gilyard. It was directed by Vic Sarin. Left Behind is touted by its creators as the biggest and most ambitious Christian film ever made. It is based on the Left Behind series of books. In the words of star Janaya Stephens, 'Left Behind is not the story about those who were called to Heaven, it's about those who were left behind.'


The film was widely criticized and received only a 12% positive rating among reviewers on the Rotten Tomatoes website. The Washington Post's Desson Howe, described it as '...a blundering cringefest, thanks to unintentionally laughable dialogue, hackneyed writing and uninspired direction. The more this movie tries, the worse it gets. Its sincerity ends up becoming a bulging bull's-eye for rotten-tomato throwers.'


One of the authors of the book series, Tim LaHaye (who along with Jerry B. Jenkins, refused to attach their names to the film) was outraged over this, as claimed he was promised a movie version on a $40 million budget and a two-hour adaptation, and sued Namesake and Cloud Ten for $10 million. Jerry Jenkins, however, refused to join as a plaintiff in the lawsuit and LaHaye's claims were eventually dismissed by the trial court. After an appeal by LaHaye reinstated some of the claims, the parties finally settled the case in July 2008. LaHaye dropped all claims against Namesake and Cloud Ten in exchange for an option to remake the films based on the first two books in the series."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Lays Wavy brand chips

Chocolate Gorge ice cream

Copious amounts of coffee

Nice big mellow pills




CSS: Left Behind

Silverpennies: Left Behind

Jeremy Fisher: Left Behind (live)


Check the comments to read my commentary on the film as it happens!