NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Matching Ed Wood Tattoos ...

My tattoo ...


Tattoo of a follower in Erie, PA ...



Wow. I no longer have a one of a kind tattoo. It's amazing to think that I actually have an effect on people, that as much as I may think that no one cares that there are thousands of random rebels spread out throughout the world who care about what I say and follow me.

Seeing these pictures and writing what I just wrote, it all gives me comfort and an actual sense of peace.


Praise Wood!

Damn Computer ...



Apparently the way to make our laptop work is to say STUPID FUCKING LAPTOP real loud, hit it a few times, and give up on the whole thing entirely BUT THEN try to make it work ONE LAST TIME. It's worked for me twice now.

Don't get me wrong. It still doesn't work. It's just working now.

I hate this computer.

But laptop or no laptop, this sunday the Church-less Movie Of The Week returns!

Praise Wood!

Monday, July 27, 2009

List I Made At Church Of Words That SOUND Bad But Aren't ...

Puce
Dollop
Undulation
Cumbersome
Flinch
Asinine
Plotz
Funk
Turkey
France
Knickerbocker
Flag
Twain
Kumquat
Schnitzel
Flunk
Skunk
Munch


"Tonight, honey, I'm gonna puce your kumquat and plotz my schnitzel all over your turkey!"

Skull Pencil Brains ...

We still have no laptop and no computer at our house. Right now I'm next door at my mother in laws house. My two girls and my ten year old niece have spent most of the day watching Avatar cartoons and now they're running around the house screaming and fighting each other with whatever element powers they pretend to have. They're loud and hyper and the floors here are wood floors, so every step sounds like a Godzilla sized stomp. It feels like this blue pencil with the skulls all over it that's here on the desk is actually logged deep in my brain and I can't get it out. That's how it is over here. I could either scream or cry right now I'm not sure which.

We've spent all day here. Again. And I guess I don't really MIND that. It's nice and probably good for me to occasionally get out of my self-imposed cell and interact with, you know, actual PEOPLE. It's just that we've been spending more and more time here lately. I think it's because my wife wants a computer and wants her family around her. And when I'm at work I suspect that she spends all day over here. That's all fine and good but what about OUR home? We're spending so much time at the mother in laws pad that our home is being neglected. I like her family but I don't feel like spending two whole days sewed on to them. What about me? What about MY days off with MY family?

To tell you the truth I'd rather just go home, lay around in my underwear, eat ice cream and listen to Eels music on my iPod ...

Eels: I'm A Loser (Beatles)

I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man (Prince)

I'm Going To Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart

That Look You Give That Guy

Teenage Witch

Fitting In With The Misfits

I'm going crazy. I think I'm going crazy. I might be going crazy. There's voices yelling in my head. There's a monster in my stomach that causes me pain. I feel like I'm invisible and I float around from place to place, in no control whatsoever of my own actions. I just bounce around to whatever and wherever I'm supposed to be. I gain visibility only to do things for other people or to be yelled at and then dismissed. I take my pills to cover this all in fog so I don't have to think about it too much. And sometimes I feel like hollowing out my head with a rusty spoon and living my life like Tommy the pinball wizard. There must be a blissfulness in that darkness, shouldn't there be? See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.

Anyway, I'm leaving. Hope you like the music.

Wind Clan out.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Random Splinters Of Heavenly Wood ...

I'm going to church tomorrow, the "sit down, stand up, pray, sing, listen to a 45 minute lecture about how much you suck" sort of church. Very fake happy. Lots of singing. Very Jesus-ey. Way too touchy feely and huggy for my taste but I deal. The kids all love me and the adults all act happy to see me but they eyeball me like they're suspicious of my goings on, like they don't trust me or something. And there's a shitload of Koreans at church, too, Koreans from deep in the rice paddies with thick accents that I can't understand. It drives me nuts sometimes.

Tell you the truth, to deal with church I usually take a handful of my pills and just zonk out. And sometimes I take a detour to the bathroom. They keep the newest issue of National Geographic in the men's room for some strange reason. I read the most amazing things whilst taking thine holiest of shats. I try reading the mag at work but it's not the same. In my heart National Geographic belongs in the pooper.

I like the occasional guest appearance at church but I have a HUGE problem with the time. The service lasts anywhere between an hour and a half to two and a half hours. I like the mass and being there with my family and spirituality and all that but COME ON, PEOPLE! Get your shit together! I want to go to church, not lose over half my day! That's why I like the Catholics. A Catholic mass is as RIGIDLY timed as a FOOTBALL game! Catholics have scripts! This isn't a Christopher Guest movie where you get to ad-lib your way around the bible for a half a day. Shit, bitch, I got THINGS to do!

Every time I go to that church my religious tattoo itches ...



... and speaking of my tattoo, I found somebody on Facebook. He lives in the deep south, he's a follower of my religion AND he got a matching tattoo! There's someone out there with my same Ed Wood religious tattoo! How crazy is that?

I'm a big deal. I'm big in Europe, in Germany, and I'm MASSIVE in Spain. I've been preaching and pomoting The Church of Ed Wood for so long that I'm slowly spreading my madness all over the globe. And yet I'm lonely and sheltered and alone and often times depressed. Therein lies my troubles. I've changed lives, saved lives, and hundreds of thousands of people worldwide listen to me and see me as a holy man and yet I have no computer and no food and I'm broke as fuck.

I'm big, though. I'm semi-quasi famous worldwide.

I tell myself this when I'm lonely. It only partially helps me.



Here's a story of something that happened today, something that shows the power of my religion and my strong religious beliefs.

I called my wife before I left from work. I told her I felt like going to the comic book store on my way home. She asked me why. It was a fairly strange request. I haven't been to a comic book store in a very long time. Being broke, my love for comic books was one of the first frivilous expenses to go. But I just felt like going. And I asked her AHEAD OF TIME if I could spend five or six bucks. Well, turns out it was fate. It was fate and luck and the spirit of Wood guiding me. Because what was waiting for me when I got there? The comic book sequel to Ed Wood's magnum opus, entitled "Plan 9 From Outer Space …Strikes Again!"



It was fate, I tells you. I could sense the power of the Wood!

And speaking of Ed, being broke means I can't afford to go see the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Rifftrax) make fun of "Plan 9 from Outer Space" LIVE!

I should be there. It's my religious duty, dammit! I created my own religion thirteen years ago. THIRTEEN! And yet I can't afford to go.

Being broke sucks ass.

Total Internet Torture ...



It's only been five days without a computer but it feels like a million years. It's torture not having a computer. It's like virtual waterboarding. And we can't afford to fix our laptop, so if I want the internets I have to use the one next door at my mother-in-laws house OR in the managers office at work. Either way it's uncomforatble.

And to add to the total internet torture atmosphere a few days ago our air conditioner broke. Totally dead. I come home from an exhausting day at work and it's 99-degrees in our house. It was burning up. I mean, it's fixed NOW and we only went two days without AC but to be computerless, internetless, foodless AND airless, it was like hell on earth.

I'm trying to stay calm when all around me is chaos. That's probably some sort of poetry. I don't know.

Anyway, here's some random musings ...



-Saw the new Harry Potter movie. It was great but "wackier" than I would have liked. I was expecting more dark and less romantic slapstick. But it was good. I like how I repeatedly heard from people that they cut stuff out but it's been so LONG since anybody has bothered to READ the Half Blood Prince that nobody cares what they cut out. I also saw The Ugly Truth. It was cute. It was a bit dirtier and raunchier that I expected but it was dirty and raunchy in a CHICK way. Like There's Something About Mary: The Vagina Version. Strange.

-In the movie The Ugly Truth, which is set in Sacramento, when the heroine said that Sacramento had a great school system, the whole theater laughed. What a sad state of affairs that suggests, huh?

-I'm supposed to travel to Spain at the end of the year to give a lecture at a film festival. They really want me there. They're willing to pay my airfare and give me a place to stay for a few days, a place to "crash" for a few days while my "fans" show me around. SPAIN of all places, if you can believe it. I spend so much time alone and suffering about my shortcomings that I sometimes forget that I'm somewhat famous. But we probably won't go. Even though it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, we can't even afford RENT let alone the $100 fees for passports. That hurts me inside. I really wanted to cross the pond for the first time, visit a foriegn land, expand my sheltered mind and be around people who think I'm important. That's something that is severely missing in my life.

-I'm bringing The Galindo Killing Spree back. The epic killing spree I went on, tearing a bloody hole thru the streets of L.A. four years ago is back with a vengance. I dusted off my old Gamecube long enough to appreciate the utter hideousness of True Crime: Streets of L.A. in a retro sense. Now, when I'm not watching old Monty Python episodes, I'm killing total strangers on Rose Avenue right by the beach. Hey, better than the real thing, right?

-Since I have no computer (can anyone out there have pitty on me and my poor dead computer???) I have put the Church-less Movie Of The Week on hiatus. And tomorrow I will be going to church. Why, you ask? Because I have nothing better to do.

-GAWD I'm so lame.




That's about it. I guess I'll see you later.

Wind Clan out.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

LAME!!!



My computer broke a few days ago. Totally dead. Kaput. No computer. We need to get it fixed but we're broke as hell. So what can we do, right? We've been computerless for a few days now. I'm actually blogging during one of my breaks AT WORK if you can believe it, a first for me.

I guess it's good that the computer broke in that it's bringing me and my wife closer at home. We're actually spending time together without one of us being glued to a monitor. And we're screwing a whole lot more. So that's good.

The bad news is that, since I'm an angora agoraphobic, my only link to the outside world is gone. At times this blog is my only friend. And now it's gone. So even though I'm trying to keep my cool and act like our laptop dying is no big thing it's actually driving me batshit insane.

No church-less movie of the week this sunday. Or, shudder, for quite some time, probably.

Lame.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

If You'd Like To Learn More ...



If you would like to learn MORE about shitty turkish movies, then here are some links to an awesome BBC documentary all about Turkish movies ...

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

NOW YOU KNOW and knowing is half the battle!

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week: Turkish Edition (Part 2) ...



Yoinked from wikipedia, thewavemagazine.com and io9.com ...

"Turist Ömer or Ömer the Tourist is a recurring character in a series of comic films made in Turkey between 1964 and 1973. The character was played by Sadri Alışık. Turist Ömer first appeared as a supporting character in a 1963 film by Hulki Saner Helal Olsun Ali Abi. He was a friend of the protagonist's in that film. The character was liked so much by the people that a whole series of feature films was produced with him as the lead character played by another famous Turkish actor Ayhan Işık.

By now, you're aware of Turkey’s proud history of stealing American films and remaking them with no money and their own unique set of production values. When they remade Superman, Superman became a homemade doll dangling on string in front of a black and white TV, and when they remade Star Wars, Luke Skywalker fought an army of Cookie Monsters on a field of trampolines. And even if you do speak Turkish, their remakes of films are confusing madness, but invariably end up being twice as entertaining as the original. Turkish Star Trek continues this cinematic tradition.

In Turkey it’s called Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda which literally translates into Ömer the Tourist In Space. This film attempts to copy a large chunk of the "Man Trap" Star Trek episode almost word for word. Unlike Star Wars, which was a straight ripoff of the original, Turkish Trek is actually an installment in the Ömer The Tourist series, where a plain-spoken guy named Ömer wanders into bizarre scrapes. Here, Ömer wanders into a Trek episode and gets accused of being the salt-vampire killer. This film proves that Turkish cinema is to comedy what Turkish cinema is to everything else it tries."




... AND NOW Steve and this blog would like to ONCE AGAIN bring you today's feature ABSOLUTELY FREE right here on this blog. Yes, that's right! Absolutely free!


(although donations ARE accepted - see the donation button on the top right hand corner of this blog for further instructions)


Enjoy the show, y'all!


It's INTERMISSION Time, Folks ...





Turkish Star Wars was just about the WORST movie I have ever seen. I wanted to gnaw my own foot off to try and escape it. I feel OLDER after having watched that. I now officially hate ALL turkish people. That's how bad that movie is.

So I don't know if I can STAND another turkish ripoff for a double feature.

But I'll try ...











Epic Fail

The 28 Strangest TV Shows-Turned-Comic Books

Teen Sells Naked Pics Of His Mom

Reincarnated Woman Sues Hugh Hefner For Billions

Play "Cheerleader or Porn Star"

Awkward Family Photos











Robbie Rob: In Time (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)

Me First and the Gimmie-Gimmies: Ben

American Analog Set: Born On The Cusp

Amazing Transparent Man: Fast Car

The Who: Amazing Journey

Buddy Holly: Well Alright

Beach Boys: In My Room

MF Doom: Lightworks

Eels: That's Not Really Funny

Scott Peeples: Punch Out Theme (OC Remix)






Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week: Turkish Edition ...



Yoinked from the wikipedia ...


"Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saves the World) is a Turkish-made cult film commonly known as Turkish Star Wars because of its notorious use of stolen Star Wars footage worked into the film. Directed by Çetin İnanç and written by Cüneyt Arkın, a well-known Turkish actor whose works span the last five decades, the movie also starred Arkın in the leading role. Other actors include Aytekin Akkaya who later starred in the Italian movie Sopravvissuti della città morta, as well as Hüseyin Peyda and Füsun Uçar both of whom remained in Turkey.

Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam was released in 1982 in the midst of massive political upheaval. As a result, American-made films weren't easily acquired and were often remade with a Turkish cast and setting. The four most notable films to be so bootlegged are Star Wars, The Wizard of Oz, The Exorcist and E.T., all of which have Turkish variations. The musical soundtrack is entirely lifted from Western film hits of the time, primarily using Raiders of the Lost Ark. There are also scenes incorporating the music of Moonraker, Ben Hur, Flash Gordon, Battlestar Galactica, Planet of the Apes, Silent Running and Disney's The Black Hole.

After many attempts to gather the original actors in the film to create a sequel to The Man Who Saves the World, a sequel, The Son of the Man Who Saves the World, was shot in 2006. The sequel was released on 15 December 2006. Some fans expressed their disapproval that the special effects were not similar to the original movie, where all the space scenes were ripped directly from the sci-fi classics of the time such as Star Wars IV: A New Hope, the Star Trek series and Battlestar Galactica. Famous actors from Turkey such as Mehmet Ali Erbil took part in the project, and Kartal Tibet directed the film."



Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Blue Flavored Poweraids

Vanilla Ice Cream

Xtreme Cheddar Goldfish




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE! But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in Galindo Theaters. Any and all talkers will be Michael Jackson-ed with extreme prejudice. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim headlights (where applicable).


Oh, and remember ...




Enjoy the show y'all!


Watch Turkish Star Wars for FREE right now!


Steve will be posting running commentary as he watches the film. click the comments link below to read what Steve thinks of today's film.

And here is what we've seen so far ...


December 7th: Godzilla VS Mecha-Godzilla
December 14th: Godzilla VS Mothra
December 21st: Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster
December 28th: Lord of the Rings (Rifftrack edition)
January 4th: Godzilla VS The Sea Monster
January 11th: Series 7 (The Contenders)
January 18th: House of Wax
January 25th: Police Story 3
February 1st: Left Behind the Movie
February 15th: Godzilla VS Megalon
February 22nd: Jesus Christ Superstar
March 1st (part 1): Duck Soup
March 1st (part 2): Godzilla Final Wars
March 8th (part 1): Godzilla VS The Smog Monster
March 8th (part 2): The Three Caballeros
March 15th: Sonny Chiba's "The Street Fighter" (free to watch)
March 29th (part 1): I Bury The Living
March 29th (part 2): Drive-In Massacre (free to watch)
April 15th: Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (free to watch)
April 25th (part 1): Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla
April 25th (part 2): Godzilla Tokyo S.O.S. (free to watch)
May 3rd (part 1): Sex Madness (free to watch)
May 3rd (part 2): Frankenstein Conquers the World
May 10th (part 1): Muppet Treasure Island
May 10th (part 2): La Bamba (free to watch)
May 17th: Mothra (free to watch)
May 31st: Mega-Shark VS Giant Octopus (free to watch)
June 7th: Tommy (free to watch)
June 14th (part 1): Roger Corman's Fantastic Four (free to watch)
June 14th (part 2): Rodan (free to watch)
June 24th: MST3K's Godzilla VS Megalon (free to watch)
June 28th: Last Man On Earth (free to watch)
July 5th (part 1): Over The Top
July 5th (part 2): Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (free to watch)
July 12th (part 1): Air Guitar Nation
July 12th (part 2): Cockfight/We Are The Children (free to watch)


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Random Awesome Pictures ...































My Sleep In Day ...



Today is a lazy day. I woke up at the noons, laid around, read a book for a while and then my kids and I went to the store to get food. Yeah, food. Crazy, huh? I remember food. My wife said that I wasn't allowed to buy any chips or root beer and I wanted snacks for my church-less movie of the week. So I bought goldfish and poweraids. Pretty psyched about that.

Now we're laying around watching a Gilmore Girls marathon. Well, I'm not even watching it. More like it's in the background for me, not that I don't like it. Any tv show that features the lead singer of Skid Row singing Hollaback Girl is a show I can get behind.

Now we're hanging out, talking, listening to music. I have a playlist on my iTunes - Weekend Party Music. It has a whole bunch of happy fun rock and light dance music and silly stuff. Here's a great mashup from it ...

DJ Schmolli: Mash Me Amadeus


Hey! Be sure and visit this blog tomorrow because tomorrow is a HIDEOUS Turkish double feature. Yeah! It's gonna be awesome. And I might post some silly pics later tonight, so stick around for an assfull of awesomeness.

Laters.

I Can't Believe It ...



I SLEPT IN!!!

Holy revolting crack popes, I slepted in until the noons!

I thought I couldn't do that anymore. But I can and I did.

Yay me!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Lonely Black Boys And My Broken Toes ...



I think I re-fractured one of my toes last weekend somehow. I don't know HOW I did it again. But my whole left foot hurts like hell and its slowing me down at work. What makes it worse is that work has been twice as hard and twice as busy lately. At the end of every day I just collapse on the couch and try not to pass out so that I can spend a few hours with my wife and kids.

It's exhausting. Everything's exhausting.

I need some rest. I need to sleep in. I need to just knock out for a day straight. I need to pass out and veg. I need to be buried alive and build a wall to keep the outside world thoroughly OUT.

I'm so fucking tired. I wish I still drank. I'd drink like a motherfucker.

There's a lot of drama just on the outskirts of my life. I can see it from afar gathering dust and kicking shit around. I see it and I smile because it's not in my general vicinity. But I also watch it with just a hint of fear because I know at any time that it could engulf me with pain and suffering and sadness and violence. I watch it and pray that it doesn't come near me. Let's hope the shitstorm stays far outside my life.

Anyway. Here is some video that I took last saturday at the park. It's funny. Well ... it's funny to me. Maybe not to you. probably not to you. I have a fucked up sense of humor.

Here it is ...