NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from Wikipedia, coolcinematrash.com and a couple other sites no one cares about with my OWN bad movie knowledge mixed in ...


"A*P*E (킹콩의 대역습 - King Kong eui daeyeokseup; Great Counterattack of King-Kong) is a 1976 science fiction/horror film. An American/Korean co-production with 3D effects, it was released at approximately the same time as Dino De Laurentiis' 1976 remake of King Kong. The film has also gone under the titles Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla, Super Kong, The New King Kong, and Hideous Mutant.


In the mid-seventies, savvy movie producer Dino DeLaurentiis managed to convince nearly everyone on the planet that they had to see his big-budget remake of King Kong (1976). Suddenly, big apes were big box-office and several other producers hoped to cash in with their own versions of the classic tale. There was the Shaw Bros. adventure The Mighty Peking Man (1977) and the Italian/Canadian co-production Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century (1977) that featured a prehistoric giant in instead of a giant ape. But none of them scraped the bottom of the cinematic simian barrel quite like Ape (1976) a movie so astoundingly cheap that it makes an Ed Wood production look like a Cecil B. DeMille epic in comparison.


The plot revolves around a 36 foot tall ape being taken to Disneyland who escapes off the coast of Korea. The giant ape 'wrestles' a fake shaart, play catch with a handglider, and generally wanders around the countryside. He disrupts the filming of two movies, one of which results in the WORST gratuitous 3D shots since the paddle ball player in Vincent Price's House of Wax. Finally, the giant horny ape goes on a rampage in a city.


This film also features growing Pains mom Joanna Kearns in her first ever acting role. Her audition must have been to run and scream, judging by the film. This movie also features one of the WORST lines EVER in a motion picture: 'Now remember Greg, rape her GENTLY!' God what a disturbingly bad shitburger this is!




'Watch as it defies a giant shark, destroys a teeming city, demolishes an ocean liner, and vanquishes a monster reptile!'


So sayeth the original, and lenghty tagline, for A*P*E. Wow, this sounds like an action-packed film that most assuredly should 'Not to be confused with King Kong.' Well here's the truth about this giant ape 'epic' folks: It's embarrassingly awful. Originally filmed in 3-D, I'm sure that A*P*E looked very cool back in 1976.


However, without the 3-D aspect, the special effects in this film are so unforgivingly bad that you can't help but laugh. And remember that aforementioned tagline? It's all a horrible lie! Here's what it should say: 'Watch as it wrestles with a dead shark, destroys horribly constructed miniatures, blows up a toy boat, and gently tosses a boa constrictor at the camera!' Is it any wonder why this movie was a bigger flop than Dino de Laurentis' remake of King Kong?


Also, as a tiny little F-U to Dino de Laurentis, the director of today's movie, has a cameo as a movie director named Dino. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, eh?




The movie was a quickie production meant to capitalize on the upcoming release of King Kong (1976). Several plot elements, such as the gorilla's relationship with an American actress, are essentially lifted from the King Kong story. In fact when the film was announced it was going to be called The New King Kong as it was advertised by a teaser poster. When RKO got wind of this, they filed a $1.5 million dollar lawsuit against the company. Because of the lawsuit the title was changed to A*P*E. The films title A*P*E stood for 'Attacking Primate monstEr' and was to spoof the acronym title of M*A*S*H a show that was based in Korea where this film was produced.


The movie pitted the titular giant ape against a huge great white shark, meant to take a shot at Jaws, a movie made a year earlier about a giant shark. A famous cover of Famous Monsters of Filmland even addressed this scene.




The film hit North American screens in October 1976, a couple of months before the release of King Kong (1976). It was obviously a quickie grindhouse film shot with a budget of what looks like $17 and done with 3Deffects to make it seem less crappy. But hey, they beat the big remake, so bully for them.


A.P.E. is the bottom of the barrel for giant monster films. It is a great example of how not to make a movie. Try and simply enjoy this film for its brain-numbing badness. Yes. It's terrible. Yes. It's incompetent, on every conceivable level. And just when you think it couldn't do anything dumber, the film does not disappoint. This is easily one of the worst if not THE worst film of all time, hands down!


That said ... A*P*E is helluva lot more entertaining than the 1976 big budget remake of King Kong. A*P*E have a strange 'it's so bad it's good' cult film appeal that makes your jaw hang on the floor that someone could make a movie this bad and intend it to be good."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:


Coffee

Pills

Gummy Rat

Rye Chips

Bugles Chips

More Pills

Root Beer

Chocolate Ice Cream

Guitar Hero

Constant Yawning

Internet Porn




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE!


But first lets go over a few ground rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in this or any Galindo Theaters locations. Any and all talkers will be spanked and fisted with extreme prejudice. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).




Oh, and I probably should have mentioned this earlier but since it was in ten parts on youtube, I compiled them all together into a playlist in which I added a big intermission, a strange seventies opening, some movie previews, and a few more things to make today's movie seem more bearable.


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!




I DARE YOU to watch the WHOLE THING! It's almost impossible.


Also, if you make it to the end you'll be rewarded with a vintage Coleridge home video... remember when I was obsessed with C-dawg? That was OLD SCHOOL this blog! I love femi-daddy! He's my homeboy!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love in the Hudson Brothers opening how "the bear" gets big credit

Anonymous said...

This movie makes me yearn for the days of an illiterate asian man in a rubber godzilla getup. nice one again rev.

Reverend Steve said...

If you watch this movie and are amused at the rape line DO NOT repeat it! Your friends will ruin your birthday and the F.B.I. will taze the crap out of you!