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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Lincoln Is A Myth ...



So I went to church last sunday. Easter Sunday. I guess it was ok. It was my 10am to 4pm, which is almost my whole freaking day. I hate that about our stupid church. I mean, spirituality is nice and all that but DAMN I want some of my sunday to myself, you know?


It was pretty fun nonetheless. Isabela won the toddler and preschool Peeps eating contest, so there's something to be proud about. I'm hoping that with a lot of work and skill I could make her into the next Kobayashi.


But there was something the pastor said that caught my ear, something so strange and wild and absolutely hideously wrong that I immediately had to turn to my wife for verification that what just happened actually happened! Our freaking southern baptist pastor freak dropped a bombshell so BIG that I needed to know that there were witnesses!


This is a word for word quote:


"There is more PROOF of the resurrection of Jesus Christ than there is proof that Lincoln existed."


WHAT THE FUCK?!?


Are you fucking SERIOUS?!? So you mean to tell me with a straight fucking face that there's more proof that Jesus came back to like than there's proof that Lincoln was one of our presidents? That is the absolute STUPIDEST thing anyone has ever said in a church, without a doubt. And the people in church are just like "Amen" and "Hallelujah" and all that like he DIDN'T just make the stupidest fucking religious statement ever.


And THEN, about 45 minutes AFTER that amazing bit of biblical wisdom, he had the nerve, NAY the intestinal fortitude, to say this:


"You know, Lincoln once said that the Bible is the greatest gift ever given to man."


Yeah, too bad he NEVER EXISTED!




Spread the word, friends.


Lincoln is a myth, so sayeth The Lord.

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