NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

I know that these posts are supposed to be a sunday alternative to a boring day at church. But I am publishing this week's cinematic installment early. Saturday night, to be exact. So try and think of this as a late night grindhouse or drive-in sort of thing.


I'm doing this because tomorrow is freaking Mother's Day and the last thing my wife wants is to see "crazed corpse stealers" and "bezerk human transplants."


Enjoy!




Yoinked from imdb, stomptokyo and 1000misspenthours.com ...


"Whenever a bunch of Bad Movie fans get together, and discuss their favorites, the usual suspects crop up. Plan 9. Robot Monster. Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot. There is one film, however, that almost never crops up in these conversations: The Astro-Zombies. There is a reason for this.


The Astro-Zombies, aka Space Zombies aka The Space Vampires, is a 1969 science fiction horror film starring John Carradine, Wendell Corey (in his final film appearance) and Tura Satana. It was written, directed, and produced by Ted V. Mikels. The plot follows a disgruntled scientist who, having been fired by the space agency, decides to create superhuman monsters from the body parts of innocent murder victims. The creatures eventually escape and go on a killing spree, attracting the attention of both an international spy ring and the CIA.




Most of the major players on the independent B-movie scene during the golden age of the drive-in were eccentric to one degree or another, but Ted V. Mikels is in a class all by himself. An unapologetic polygamist who spent the bulk of his filmmaking career living in a castle outside of Los Angles with a rotating cast of girlfriends and common-law wives (invariably seven at a time— Mikels calls seven 'the magic number'), he is a man with very definite ideas about the world and his place in it, who likes to be completely in charge of his situation, and who has absolutely no interest in compromise.


When the drive-ins and grindhouses died out in the early 1980’s, Mikels packed his shit and retired to Vegas rather than try to play by the new rules but during the preceding twenty years he produced a fairly voluminous and deeply bizarre body of work that often won astonishing returns on a extremely paltry investment."





The Misfits: Astro Zombies


"The real trouble with The Astro-Zombies is that Mikels’s inattentive, scattershot approach to storytelling robs the movie of most of its interest by fixing it so that we never have any idea what we’re seeing until well after it’s already happened. Characters are routinely introduced after they’ve been killed. Motives and agendas remain shrouded in mystery until after the schemes predicated upon them have failed. Whole subplots are simply forgotten about without ever reaching any sort of fruition. There are moments of demented joy to be extracted from the muck, it is true, but they sadly come nowhere near frequently enough.


Still pretty damn good, though, in a bad sort of way.




While the majority of Mikels’s films have mostly faded from memory, there are a half-dozen or so that nearly any avid fan of celluloid schlock will know by reputation, if not necessarily from actual experience, and of those, The Astro-Zombies is probably the most famous of all. This is not to say, however, that The Astro-Zombies is well-liked.


It is almost totally incoherent and frequently dull, and it surprises me only slightly that the distributors of at least one VHS edition felt compelled to append an opening crawl which not only tries to make some kind of sense of the action, but also resorts to that most desperate of cop-outs, claiming retroactively and with no discernable justification that the film was intended from the beginning as a spoof. What bullshit!




In the interest of Not Letting the Guilty Escape Punishment, it must be mentioned that a portion of the blame for this does not rest solely on the head of director Ted V. Mikels.... he has other crimes to answer for, and will no doubt appear again in these pages... but we must never forget that the co-writer and executive producer for this walking-wounded exercise was none other than Wayne Rogers, he of the TV show M*A*S*H*.


However, somebody must have done something right with this crapburger of a movie. See, through clever deals with Southern drive-in circuits and decent TV ads, The Astro-Zombies reportedly made over three million dollars. Good God! Huzzah and bully for you then!"




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Chips

Apples

Old Ice Cream

Loud Screaming Children


AND NOW Steve Galindo and this blog are pleased to bring you today's Church-less Movie Of The Week absolutely FREE!


But a few rules first. There's absolutely no talking in Steve's Theater-talkers will be spanked roughly. No cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Enjoy the show y'all!




Damn I'm awesome! My love of crap cinema knows no bounds.


YOU'RE WELCOME, PLANET EARTH!


And here are the Sunday movies I've seen so far ...


December 7th, 2008: Godzilla VS Mecha-Godzilla
December 14th: Godzilla VS Mothra (free to watch)
December 21st: Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (free to watch)
December 28th: Lord of the Rings (Rifftrack edition)
January 4th, 2009: Godzilla VS The Sea Monster
January 11th: Series 7 (free to watch)
January 18th: House of Wax
January 25th: Police Story 3
February 1st: Left Behind the Movie (free to watch)
February 15th: Godzilla VS Megalon
February 22nd: Jesus Christ Superstar (free to watch)
March 1st (part 1): Duck Soup
March 1st (part 2): Godzilla Final Wars
March 8th (part 1): Godzilla VS The Smog Monster
March 8th (part 2): The Three Caballeros
March 15th: Sonny Chiba's "The Street Fighter" (free to watch)
March 29th (part 1): I Bury The Living (free to watch)
March 29th (part 2): Drive-In Massacre (free to watch)
April 15th: Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (free to watch)
April 25th (part 1): Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla
April 25th (part 2): Godzilla Tokyo S.O.S. (free to watch)
May 3rd (part 1): Sex Madness (free to watch)
May 3rd (part 2): Frankenstein Conquers the World
May 10th (part 1): Muppet Treasure Island
May 10th (part 2): La Bamba (free to watch)
May 17th: Mothra (free to watch)
May 31st: Mega-Shark VS Giant Octopus (free to watch)
June 7th: Tommy (free to watch)
June 14th (part 1): Roger Corman's Fantastic Four (free to watch)
June 14th (part 2): Rodan (free to watch)
June 24th: MST3K's Godzilla VS Megalon (free to watch)
June 28th: Last Man On Earth (free to watch)
July 5th (part 1): Over The Top
July 5th (part 2): Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (free to watch)
July 12th (part 1): Air Guitar Nation
July 12th (part 2): Cockfight/We Are The Children (free to watch)
July 19th (part 1): Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saves the World) (free to watch)
July 19th (part 2): Turist Ömer (free to watch)
August 2nd: The Marx Bros' At the Circus (free to watch)
August 9th (part 1): MST3K's Marooned (free to watch)
August 9th (part 2): First Spaceship On Venus (free to watch)
August 16th (part 1): The Atomic Cafe (free to watch)
August 16th (part 2): MST3K's Night of the Blood Beast (free to watch)
August 30th: God Told Me To Kill (free to watch)
September 3rd: Rebirth Of Mothra (free to watch)
September 6th: Cinema Insomnia's The Wasp Woman (free to watch)
September 13th (part 1): A Bucket Of Blood (free to watch)
September 13th (part 2): Cinema Insomnia's Prince Of Space (free to watch)
september 21st: Theater of Blood (free to watch)
September 27th (part 1): The Brain That Wouldn't Die (free to watch)
September 27th (part 2):MST3K's Amazing Colossal Man (free to watch)
October 11th: Horror of Spider Island (free to watch)
October 18th (part 1): I Woke Up Early The Day I Died
October 18th (part 2): Earth VS The Flying Saucers (free to watch)
October 25th (part 1): Frogs (free to watch)
October 25th (part 2): King Kong Escapes
November 1st: The Thing With Two Heads (free to watch)
November 8th: Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle For Earth (free to watch)
November 15th (Franken-Week, Day 7): Frankenstein Conquers the World (free to watch)
November 22nd: The Giant Gila Monster (free to watch)
November 29th: MST3K Gamera Triple Feature (free to watch)
December 6th (part 1): She Demons (free to watch)
December 6th (part 2): MST3K's The Incredible Melting Man (free to watch)
December 13th: A Triple Threat of Riffs
December 20th: Manos (free to watch)
December 24th: Christmas Eve Bonus - Manster (free to watch)
December 27th (part 1): The Screaming Skull (free to watch)
December 27th (part 2): The Sadist/Eegah (free to watch)
January 3rd, 2010: Wrestling With Shadows (free to watch)
January 17th (part 1): Teenage Zombies (free to watch)
January 17th (part 2): Horror of the Zombies (free to watch)
January 24th: The Crawling Hand/The Monster That Challenged The World (free to watch)
January 30th: Atom Age Vampire, the Steve-a-fied Edition (free to watch)
February 14th: House On Haunted Hill-Original and Remake (free to watch)
February 21st: Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory (free to watch)
February 28th: The Atomic Brain LIVE in Steve's Living Room
March 7th: Lady Frankenstein (free to watch)
March 14th (part 1): Castle of Evil (free to watch)
March 14th (part 2): Tormented (free to watch)
March 21st: A.P.E (WARNING: movie contains a line about RAPE which may apparently offend your more easily offended, closed minded female co-workers)
March 23rd (make up): Tarantula (free to watch)
April 11th (part 1): Warning From Space (free to watch)
April 11th (part 2): They Came From Beyond Space (free to watch)
April 18th (part 1): The Phantom of 10,000 Leagues (free to watch)
April 18th (part 2): Gappa The Triphibian Monster (free to watch)
April 25th: Killers From Space (free to watch)
May 2nd: THEM! (free to watch)

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