I've been so clumsy lately, dropping food and accidentally hurting myself. A few times my hand has just completely spazzed and stopped working, making me drop stuff. But that's a minority and for the most part it's just been me being a clumsy idiot.
The other day I picked up a big, heavy drawer hoping to walk into the bathroom and dump out the trash in it. Well I kinda sprinted. And I ran into a wall, smashing the wooden corner of the drawer into my forehead just above my left eye. I saw flashing lights and then I was on the ground. Afterwards all I wanted to do was go to sleep.
I feel like such an idiot.
Today at work I felt so down and lonely. I felt very much like I was going thru the depressive side of my bipolar and my manic depression. I felt like no one cares, no one understands, plus I was tired as hell because I had been up with an asthma attack since 5am. Plus and wanted to cut myself all day. I didn't, though.
All I really wanted was to go home and take a nap. But once I came home my drunken, stoned, jobless, still living with his parents, no life brother-in-law pretty much forced me to mow the lawn. I was upset and I really wasn't in the right mind to do it but I did it.
I mowed the extension cord.
My brother-in-law got pissed the FUCK off, mainly because he has no life and therefore feels the need to butt in to other people's lives and boss people around. He acted like I killed his only child instead of accidentally broken a $12 cord. Pissed me off and made me feel stupid.
After that I sat down on the driveway while the kids played, watching them run around and play. Then Natalie, one of the new kids that's living with me now, comes up to me and tells me she loves me. she gives me a hug and sits down on my lap. It was a very sweet moment. I felt touched.
Then I felt wet because she quickly proceeds to massively pee all over me. And everybody laughs.
So I went into the house quickly after that so that I could take a shower and cry a little. When I was done I got all OCD and started freaking out looking for one SPECIFIC shirt that I just HAD to wear right then and there that of course I couldn't find. When i finally did find it, I quickly spilled water all over it.
Now I'm sitting here on the couch watching Universal's 1957 classic B-movie The Deadly Mantis and trying not to fall asleep. I feel stupid, worthless, a pointless excuse of a life. I know, though, thanks to the books that I've read on the subject and thanks to my pretty awesome therapist, that this is just the downswing of my manic depression and my bipolar and that people DO care, even though it feels like no one does.
Here's a bikini picture of Hitler ...
Hitler's Brain is coming tomorrow.
Here's some random music for your punk ass ...
Faith No More: Edge of the World
Death Cab for Cutie: I Will Follow You Into The Dark
Milton Mapes: Lonesome Town
Led Zepplin: Over The Hills And Far Away
Pink Floyd: Vera
The Rolling Stones: She Smiled Sweetly
Foxboro Hot Tubs: Dark Side Of Night
Nina Simone: Pirate Jenny
Get Set Go: Die Motherfucker Die
Elvis Costello: Waiting For The End Of The World
Jill Sobule: Hot In Herre
Darcy Clay: Jesus I Was Evil
You're welcome, America. And beyond.