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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Red Wrist ...



I know I shouldn't do this, but I can't stop.


It's all about my self-esteem. When you see me I usually seem happy and cocky, but I only pretend to love myself. My happiness, my cocky demeanor, it's almost always just an act. It's just a screen I put up to protect myself.


In reality, I am extremely emotional, extremely fragile, and I have a supremely low self esteem. I just absolutely hate myself. And when things get supremely rough for me I think that I'm the stupidest person in the world and want nothing more than to punish myself.


That's where the cutting comes from.




There's a lot of reasons that I did this...


For starters, my in-laws are leaving tomorrow. They're moving to a supremely small town in Oklahoma to "do God's work" or something. It's finally hitting me that they're leaving and I feel so sad. I don't want them to leave. I don't want Deinna to move away. When they leave I'm gonna feel so alone.


I had my review and it wasn't as good as I had hoped. And it didn't even mention the part of this past year when someone snuck into my work, pointed a gun to my head, and I almost died. I'm scarred for life and they say that I have "approachability issues." Of course I do! I almost died! And I was brave in the robbery, too. I may have saved lives and I got nothing to show for it except post traumatic stress disorder and therapy bills.


Plus I'm having relationship problems. Don't want to get into it.




I just want to get to Woodmas.

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