NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, April 30, 2010

The Two Absolute BEST Things For Sale At WWE.com ...


The John Cena Yarmulke

Wow. Well, I didn't realize that there was a big jew wrestling fan following, you know? Maybe they have a facebook page.




The Finlay Inflatable Shillelagh

Even in the context of professional wrestling and even when you know WHO Finlay is, this is a really stupid ass product.


I don't know if I like wrestling anymore.


I mean, what could top Wrestlemania, right?


Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Galindo Family At The Ranch ...



So with our second Wii points card (essentially an iTunes card for old nintendo games) I bought two old school games for me, The Legacy of Kane and Zombies Ate My Neighbors. With the remaining points I let the kids pick a game of their own.

I was hoping they'd pick Sonic Spinball or Zelda: A Link To The Past. Instead, they got a cute and nonsensical preschool game called "My Pokemon Ranch" where Pokemon and Mii's hang out together and do nothing apparently.

It's me, Natasha, Emerald, Isabela and cousin Deinna right now hanging out with six cute Pokemon and it's totally cute as hell.

Here are some pictures ...



That's me and Natasha enjoying the peace and quiet of the farm.



I'm not happy to be there ...



... which is probably why I fall asleep at the farm all the time ...



... like the time Ponyta set my wife's hair on fire and I just slept like a baby.



I even RODE Ponyta once and apparently that was hella fun.



My wife forgave me for the fire incident. That's a picture of us enjoying a quiet moment. I'd like to think that we DID IT behind the barn after this picture.



Emerald's obviously really happy to be there.



So is Isabela and her sparkling brown eyes.



This is Emerald and I having a fun conversation, either that or playing Rock-Rock-Rock which is as close as you can get to playing rock-paper-scissors in this game.

It's a fun game. The little ones love it and I think it's pretty cute, too. I love the feature where you can save the pictures and share them with friends. I find myself waiting for tomorrow to see what new Pokemon I get, you know?

Good shit.

The SLOWEST Car Chase Ever (Revisited) ...

Last week I became embroiled in a crazy two and a half hour car chase which I wrote about on my blog.

Here are some pictures ...



This is my "angry mexican" face. I take off my glasses, squint, and put an angry pout on my face. I did this for a while to scare the crackhead who thought she could steal my mother-in-law's bike.



Eventually the crackhead broke into a gated apartment complex and knocked on the door of a complete stranger, a "sassy black woman" who tried playing "the race card" and almost beat me up, then almost ran me over.



Secret pic of the crackhead in the cop car and my wife's brother talking to the cops. Justice served, angry mexican style!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Steve And His Couch Meets Frankenstein ...

We got netflix again and THIS TIME it's connected to our Wii. It's great. I've spent the last two days watching awesome crap...



This came in the mail yesterday. My wife was upset that one of MY picks came before one of HER picks. I watched it yesterday and my jaw was dropped the whole time - I had completely forgotten just how WONDERFUL it it!



It's all the best parts of the old Universal horror films mixed with one of the funniest Abbott and Costello movies ever. It's great. It is now officially one of my favorite movies of all time!



Jackass 2.5 was good for a quick, dumb laugh.





King Kung Fu, the story of a gorilla kung fu master. This is the alpha and omega of bad films. I fell asleep about 35 minutes into it. It was even worse than worse. It was even bad for me! THAT's how bad it is!





So then I watched three whole hours of season 2 of the hilarious 30 Rock before falling asleep. I love it! I think next I'm going to watch Mortal Kombat and the giant ant movie THEM! and maybe the first season of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

I LOVE my netflix!

Sick ...



Being sick is no fun. I mean, it's bad enough that my asthma has intensified but now I'm dizzy and my stomach is flip flopping and I can't stop coughing. Plus my nose is essentially rendered useless. It's bad.

I have an app today with my therapist, but I may have to cancel. I don't want to get her sick.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Sunday, April 25, 2010

PROOF That I NEED To Go To Disney World ...

This is a picture taken inside the Sci-Fi Dine-In Theater restaurant. It serves lunch and dinner in a drive-in themed restaurant inside Disney's Hollywood Studios theme part at Disney World. You sit in plastic cars aand eat under a fake starry sky as you watch drive-in videos and classic trailers from the golden age of drive-ins.

Can your heart stand the SHOCKING facts about ...


GRAVE ROBBERS FROM OUTER SPACE?!?




Ed Wood meets Disney World! It is now OFFICIAL! I NEED to go! It's a religious pilgrimage!

Too bad I'll NEVER afford to go!

Depressed sigh...

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

This week's movie is a cult classic in my house. I own three different copies of this so-bad-its-good crapburger. Plus its timely since its star recently passed away.


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from wikipedia, x-entertainment.com and 1000misspenthours ...


"Killers from Space is a 1954 American black and white science fiction feature film, produced and directed by W. Lee Wilder (brother of Billy Wilder) from an original, commissioned screenplay by his son Myles Wilder and their regular collaborator William Raynor, and starring Peter Graves and Barbara Bestar. Lee Wilder's independent production company, Planet Filmplays Inc., usually producing on a financing-for-distribution basis for United Artists, made this film for RKO Radio Pictures distribution.


This is likely W. Lee Wilder's most famous film, a crazy b-movie part sci-fi, part film noir, part soap opera, part psychological thriller, with lots of very odd visuals and bizarre effects. The 'Killers from Space' in this low-budget sci-fier are a group of aliens bent on conquering the earth. To this end, they overtake the mind and body of atomic scientist Peter Graves, using the poor man as a combination spy and saboteur. When Graves realizes this, he tries to warn mankind, but no one believes him.


Marching defiantly back to the aliens' Bronson Canyon headquarters, where the slimy villains are busily siphoning off electrical power from a nearby generator, Graves vows to stop the extraterrestrials at any cost...including his own life (or what there's left of it). The makeup used for the aliens is laughable, but the film works so long as it concentrates on Graves' plight. The film was produced and directed by W. Lee Wilder, the brother of the more celebrated Billy Wilder.




This film is featured in the beginning of the 2006 video game Prey. At the bar the player may turn on the TV which has two channels, one of which is a clip from Killers from Space. The other is a clip from the classic civil defense educational film Duck and Cover.


Killers from Space is a film which, in other hands, might have turned out exceedingly well. Myles Wilder’s screenplay makes a good-faith effort to transform a fairly standard 1950’s alien paranoia plot into a deadly serious espionage thriller, taking the subtext of movies like The Thing or Invaders from Mars and bringing it right out into the open. The film wants very badly to be The Manchurian Candidate with little green men, and with somebody like Jack Arnold— or even Ray Kellogg— in the director’s chair, there’s a good chance that that’s exactly what it would have been. But instead, Killers from Space got stuck with W. Lee Wilder, one of the era’s true virtuosos of tedium and half-assedness.


Scarcely a moment goes by after the reasonably competent first act that does not reveal some extraordinary creative misjudgment. Take the aliens, for example. Most contemporary filmmakers with no money to spend on their spacemen were content to dress them up in peculiar costumes and leave it to the audience to assume that a planet with essentially the same environment as Earth’s would produce organisms that were also essentially similar.


Wilder, however, apparently wanted his aliens to look alien; unfortunately, all the budget was good for was about half a gross of ping pong balls, which the makeup people sawed in half and painted to create the bulging eyes of the Astronites. Surely any fool could see that a bunch of guys in goofy futuristic jumpsuits make more convincing aliens than a bunch of guys in goofy futuristic jumpsuits, who have ping pong balls for eyes?!




Killers From Space, from 1954, would likely be considered a 'cult' movie by most. I'm not entirely sure there's enough in the movie to lend it such a buzzword distinction, but if you're in the mood to watch something terrible, look no further. Watching bad movies is a sport in of itself -- the trick is determining if the 'bad' is the fun kind of bad or not. The flick we're looking at today is vaguely about space aliens with huge plastic eyes and black tights siphoning our electricity and planning to invade our planet. Read that last sentence again - the 'huge plastic eyes' part is how the film succeeds in being watchable.


Indeed, within the movie's many experiments with twenty-minute stretches of no action and a large interest in boring the fuck out of you, these big-eyed space aliens are your one and only payoff. Horror flicks from the 50s were beasts of a different kind, and they've gotta be judged in a certain way. For us, the fans of stupidity, all we're really looking for in a 50s horror entry is an excuse to pretend we're Tom Servo. I didn't find Killers From Space anywhere near as engaging or hilarious as some of the other films we've looked at here on the site, but if the scene where an alien uses a movie projector screen to show other aliens doing weird dances on top of rocks is any indication, it certainly passed the test of being the fun kind of bad.




I won't deny that the fun factor picks up in the middle. It other films, that wouldn't be enough, but since Killers From Space only runs a little more than an hour, it's not that annoying. Still, it took me three tries to take this one in without falling asleep. To give you an idea of what that means, I should tell you that documentaries on the birth and life cycles of ducks are very capable of holding my interest. It's a great film for hardcore fans, since virtually all of these 50s horror flicks set up a template for the next few decades of bad movies."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:


Coffee

Pills

Bugles Chips

Goldfish Crackers

Teddy's Root Beer

Chocolate Ice Cream

Old Easter Candy

Coca-Cola

Breathing Treatments

Internet Porn




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE! AND you can choose from either the original standard version OR the super funny FILM CREW riffed version!


But lets go over a few rules first. There's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and talkers WILL be raped ... although RAPE IS NOT A JOKE!


Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No open flames. Dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And NO TEXTING! I am so serious about that one.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!




CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE "FILM CREW" VERSION!



I wasn't planning on making this a double feature. I have such a hard time trying to focus on the second film, you know? But there's this really bad movie I own. I got it in that pack of 50 bad movies I bought at that truck stop. And I have been DYING to see it.

So I might just make it so

So stay tuned ...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Steve's Friendly Earth Day Tips ...

Here are some friendly tips that I personally came up with to help YOU save the environment ...



-To conserve water, try taking baths with 30 to 50 people. The whole family, you great aunt and your grandfather, bring 'em in!


-If you have any leftovers, why throw them away when you can feel them to your pet fish! "Man, I can't eat all this steak and gravy!" Just shove it in the tank.


-NEVER DRIVE EVER! Instead, simply PUSH your car everywhere!


-This is an important one ... NEVER TAUNT AL GORE! Because he will seek VENGEANCE upon thee!


-KIDS! Be sure and recycle ALL of the beer cans you drink!


-You can reduce your carbon footprint ... by simply buying smaller shoes! And you can just tiptoe everywhere you go. There. Earth saved!


-PLANT A TREE! Because not only is it good for the environment BUT you might just luck out and get one of those GIVING TREES that you can just MOOCH on for your WHOLE LIFE!


-Why throw out old clothes ... when you can KICK them out?


-You can save energy in your house buy only watching tv when there's, like, something REALLY good on!


-We can all do our part to save the environment and keep the earth BEAUTIFUL by planting flowers and trees AND putting make up on them.




Mission accomplished!


I wrote these tips a few days ago for my big "Earth Day" storytime last tuesday. I literally read each and every one of these tips to all the little kids.

They didn't really seem to think they were funny but the PARENTS were CRACKING UP!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The SLOWEST Car Chase Ever ...



This has been my day ...

So a cracked out homeless lady walked into the yard between my house and my in-law's house, stole a bike, then didn't like it and brought it back so she could steal another one.

Well guess what?

SHE JUST FUCKED WITH THE WRONG FAMILY!

You don't fuck with Natasha's family! No WAY! Natasha's brother went hardcore, got a bat just in case, jumped in his car and fucking followed her! And then my wife and I entered the fray and followed her while he waited for the cops.

So we followed her all over this neighborhood and a few OTHER ones as well. Hell, she even hopped a bus! And we followed the BUS! Man, was she ever pissed when SHE got out and saw US! And I ended up getting into a face-to-face shouting match with some "sassy" old fat black woman cussing at me. It was crazy. It was two and a half crazy ass hours but she's in police custody now and she'll probably go away for a while.

Sigh.

THIS is the sort of crazy ass thing that happens to me on a regular basis that drives me insane. THIS is normal to me! How fucked up is it that THIS is fucking normal?

Sigh.

I have pictures, too. I'll post them later.

Today Has been Cancelled ...



I've only been going to see my psych counselor lady for a few weeks now. She's really nice and really pretty and she never blinks and she cusses sometimes. It's good times. I've cried every time.

Well this week she had to cancel our appointment! This is my first week WITHOUT an appointment with her! I got freaking BUMPED!

Well THIS is a first!

The Haints: When I'm Gone

Eels: I Need A Mother

The White Stripes: As Ugly As I Seem

Andrew Lloyd Webber: Another Suitcase In Another Hall

I feel hurt.

I also feel really ashamed for feeling hurt.