NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from wikipedia, invasionofthebmovies, Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension and Steve's personal bad movie knowledge ...


"They Saved Hitler's Brain is a 1966 science fiction film that was adapted for television from a shorter theatrical feature film, Madmen of Mandoras, directed by David Bradley. The film was lengthened with about twenty minutes additional footage shot by UCLA students at the request of the distributor. As the original footage was shot several years earlier, the differences in costumes and production values are rather obvious.


In the film, World War II is over and Nazi officials remove Adolf Hitler's living head and hide it in the fictional South American country of Mandoras, so that they can resurrect the Third Reich for the future. It fast forwards into the 1960s, and the surviving officials kidnap a scientist in an attempt to keep Hitler alive. Various intelligence agencies, aware of the evil plot, recruit secret agents to bust the Nazi officials.


This film was included in the 2004 DVD documentary The 50 Worst Movies Ever! They Saved Hitlers Brain is number 39 on the top 50 worst movies of all time list.


Trailers From Hell: Joe Dante on 'Madmen Of Mandoras'




They Saved Hitler's Brain is one of those movies where you hear the title and you say 'I gotta see that.' Well, maybe you only say that when you're me. And most likely you're not me. And if you are, then how is that possible? Oddly enough, this movie starts off ok. It seems like a cheap spy thriller, then they start throwing in stupid dialogue and an even stupider plot involving Hitler's head and it suddenly turns into a jumbled mess.


Director David Bradley had the sort of career that bewilders. Basically he’d do a movie, disappear for some years, and then get another assignment. His biggest claim to fame regards his filming of a stage production of Peer Gynt in 1941. The star of which, in his first screen appearance, was Charlton Heston. Heston also appeared in Bradley’s next screen venture, a film of Julius Caesar made nine years later. Bradley himself played Brutus, while Heston assayed Marc Anthony, a role he also played in a rather more prestigious 1970 film version starring Jason Robards and John Gielgud.


Bradley made a modest thriller in 1952 starring Nancy Reagan, and then typically fell of the map for six years. Then he returned with a Juvenile Delinquent movie entitled Dragstrip Riot. Here he worked with such B-Movie icons as Gary Clarke, Connie Stevens and Fay Wray (!). In 1960 he helmed his first sci-fi flick, Twelve to the Moon, an ambitious but rather goofy sounding picture that was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Three years later Bradley made his last film, Madmen of Mandoras.




Scott Peters, who played David, has more than a couple of sci-fi titles under his belt, including Invasion of the Saucer Men, The Amazing Colossal Man, Attack of the Puppet People, Cape Canaveral Monsters and the rather better Panic in the Year Zero. He also had an uncredited part as Dillinger in The FBI Story, getting shot down by agent Jimmy Stewart. Peters ended his career with a supporting role on TV’s Get Christie Love.


Bill Freed, who played Hitler with and without a body, never acted again. His only other film work, in fact, was in writing the screenplay adaptation of Dean Koontz’ Watchers, starring Corey Haim, twenty-five years after appearing here. Now that's just strange, right?


It should be noted that this sort of thing can actually work. Comedy-wise, modern day actor Steve Martin with intercut with footage from old noir flicks in 1986’s Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. This allowed him to seemingly act opposite such stars as Humphrey Bogart, Barbara Stanwyck and James Cagney. More famously, the American movie Godzilla intercuts (ironically enough) reporter Steve Martin, played by Raymond Burr, into the events of the Japanese film Gojira. The technique was eventually replicated to somewhat lesser effect in the American cut of Godzilla ’85, with Burr reappearing as the now first name-less ‘Mr.’ Martin.




BUT I have EXCITING Hitler's Brain news!


According to Variety, Napoleon Dynamite Producer Chris Wyatt and Mark Altman are launching a remake of They Saved Hitler's Brain as a sci-fi musical comedy. The duo have partnered with the original movie's owner, Crown Intl. Pictures, which released the picture theatrically. The remake will feature songs and book by Jon and Al Kaplan, who penned the Fringe Fest hit parody SILENCE! The Musical and 24: Season 2 - The Musical.


How freaking awesome is that?"




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:


Coffee

Pills

Internet Porn

Crackers And Peanut Butter


... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE! But first lets go over a few ground rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in this or any of our 1 Galindo Theater locations. Any and all talkers will be fingered mercilessly. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Oh, and remember ...




Enjoy the show y'all!


Saturday, May 29, 2010

Stupid Esteban ...



I've been so clumsy lately, dropping food and accidentally hurting myself. A few times my hand has just completely spazzed and stopped working, making me drop stuff. But that's a minority and for the most part it's just been me being a clumsy idiot.


The other day I picked up a big, heavy drawer hoping to walk into the bathroom and dump out the trash in it. Well I kinda sprinted. And I ran into a wall, smashing the wooden corner of the drawer into my forehead just above my left eye. I saw flashing lights and then I was on the ground. Afterwards all I wanted to do was go to sleep.


I feel like such an idiot.


Today at work I felt so down and lonely. I felt very much like I was going thru the depressive side of my bipolar and my manic depression. I felt like no one cares, no one understands, plus I was tired as hell because I had been up with an asthma attack since 5am. Plus and wanted to cut myself all day. I didn't, though.


All I really wanted was to go home and take a nap. But once I came home my drunken, stoned, jobless, still living with his parents, no life brother-in-law pretty much forced me to mow the lawn. I was upset and I really wasn't in the right mind to do it but I did it.


I mowed the extension cord.


My brother-in-law got pissed the FUCK off, mainly because he has no life and therefore feels the need to butt in to other people's lives and boss people around. He acted like I killed his only child instead of accidentally broken a $12 cord. Pissed me off and made me feel stupid.


After that I sat down on the driveway while the kids played, watching them run around and play. Then Natalie, one of the new kids that's living with me now, comes up to me and tells me she loves me. she gives me a hug and sits down on my lap. It was a very sweet moment. I felt touched.


Then I felt wet because she quickly proceeds to massively pee all over me. And everybody laughs.


So I went into the house quickly after that so that I could take a shower and cry a little. When I was done I got all OCD and started freaking out looking for one SPECIFIC shirt that I just HAD to wear right then and there that of course I couldn't find. When i finally did find it, I quickly spilled water all over it.


Now I'm sitting here on the couch watching Universal's 1957 classic B-movie The Deadly Mantis and trying not to fall asleep. I feel stupid, worthless, a pointless excuse of a life. I know, though, thanks to the books that I've read on the subject and thanks to my pretty awesome therapist, that this is just the downswing of my manic depression and my bipolar and that people DO care, even though it feels like no one does.


Here's a bikini picture of Hitler ...




Hitler's Brain is coming tomorrow.


FYI.


Here's some random music for your punk ass ...


Faith No More: Edge of the World

Death Cab for Cutie: I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Milton Mapes: Lonesome Town

Led Zepplin: Over The Hills And Far Away

Pink Floyd: Vera

The Rolling Stones: She Smiled Sweetly

Foxboro Hot Tubs: Dark Side Of Night

Nina Simone: Pirate Jenny

Get Set Go: Die Motherfucker Die

Elvis Costello: Waiting For The End Of The World

Jill Sobule: Hot In Herre

Darcy Clay: Jesus I Was Evil


You're welcome, America. And beyond.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Bipolar ...

"Bipolar disorder can cause extreme mood swings—from extreme highs to extreme low. Between episodes, people may have mild symptoms or no obvious symptoms at all. But even when you're feeling well, you still have bipolar disorder—it's a lifelong condition.


While symptoms of both depression and mania can cause problems for people with bipolar disorder, some research indicates that bipolar depression may have a greater impact for many people. Depressive episodes of bipolar disorder usually last longer than episodes of mania. When ill or symptomatic, people with bipolar disorder generally spend more time in the depressive phase than they do in the manic or hypomanic phase. The majority of suicides (attempted and completed) among people diagnosed with bipolar disorder occur during the depressive phase, or a mixed phase, of the illness."




This is essentially my life, crazy manic highs and soul crushing lows. I have been taking pills for it but lately I've been much more depressed than manic, tired all the time, angry and snippy at loved ones, and I've been cutting myself again.


I'm trying to stop this and I'm hoping that being honest will help.


Hi.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Old Family Photos ...


















"Princess" Steve Runs Storytime ...

It was a Disney Princess Tea Party storytime and since an actual princess couldn't be found, I had to substitute.


It was a pretty hideous outfit, mainly pieced together by my eight year old with stuff in her room. Plus the high heeled hooker shoes killed my feet and kept making me fall.


I was really nervous going into it. I hardly ever get nervous about storytime anymore. Hell, apart from a few sick days and a vacation or two I've been doing storytime twice a week for over seven years now. But going in drag for a princess storytime really made me nervous.


I thought that this was finally going to be the storytime where I go too far and people freak out. But people ate it up and really dug it. Now people want "Princess" Steve to come BACK.


Crazy, huh?





Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Everything's Alright ...



Susan & The Surftones: Everything's Alright


Don't worry.


We're good.


My wife's fever broke sometime this afternoon. She went thru a whole day of temperatures rising and dropping from 100 to 105. She was so hot her body was just radiating heat.


Thank fucking Wood she's better now.




Now, back to perversity.

Monday, May 24, 2010

That Heat ...



Gotta go. We're going to the emergency room.

Not for me this time, tho. It's for my wife. She's got a super fever, a DANGEROUSly high fever.

Going to be a late night for me.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Emerald's Christian Roller Skating (For, Like, Jesus An' Shit) ...











Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Giant Bug Edition, Part 2 ...

Had so much fun with that last crapburger that I decided to continue the giant bug theme with another classic Universal giant monster movie.


Enjoy!




Yoinked from wikipedia, 1000misspenthours.com ad mst3kinfo.com ...


"The Deadly Mantis is a 1957 science fiction film produced by William Alland for Universal-International Pictures. It was directed by Nathan Juran from a screenplay by Martin Berkeley, and starred Craig Stevens, William Hopper, Alix Talton, and Pat Conway. It was filmed in black and white and runs for 79 minutes. It follows the pattern Universal set two years earlier with another one of it's giant monster movies, 1955's Tarantula.


In the film, an insect grows to Brobdingnagian proportions because of nuclear or atomic radiation. William Hopper (AKA Paul Drake from Perry Mason) is a noted entomologist sent to an army base at the North Pole to investigate. He brings along his photographer lady friend, she falls in love with the guy in charge of the army base, and they all get attacked by said giant--and deadly--mantis. For some reason, when insects get enormous, they also have some sort of vendetta against humans.




Bert I. Gordon could, and indeed did on several occasions, do better than this. The movie begins with the camera clumsily panning around a giant wall-map of the world (we can tell it’s 'the world' because a caption in the South Pacific helpfully tells us so), coming to rest on a tiny island just above the Antarctic circle just long enough for a narrator (whom we will come to know very well before this is over) to intone, 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.' Then, the screen fills with stock footage of a volcanic eruption, followed by a return to the big map, a pan up to the Arctic, and more stock footage, this time of icebergs being formed.


Presumably, the formation of those icebergs is the equal reaction to that volcanic eruption’s action, and presumably it is also opposite because it occurs at the opposite pole. Somehow, I don’t think that’s quite what Newton was talking about. Anyway, next up is a close-up on a praying mantis, frozen in what appears to be a perfectly ordinary (if slightly larger than usual) ice cube, with The Deadly Mantis superimposed on the image in big block capitals. I hope that was a good enough explanation for you of the genesis of our monster, because that’s all you’re going to get.




And now for some more stock footage. In fact, we are about to embark on an utterly incredible seven solid minutes of uninterrupted stock footage while our narrator educates us about the value, placement, and construction of the three 'radar fences' that keep vigilant and unceasing watch over the skies above Canada, protecting the American people (except those in Alaska and Hawaii) from nuclear attack by the treacherous forces of international communism. For the next seven minutes, we will thrill to the heroic story of the brave and selfless men who flew to the inhospitable arctic wastes and stayed there for an entire spring and summer to erect this ever-watchful safeguard of our precious freedoms, toiling ceaselessly for the sake of their wives and families thousands of miles to the... ah, skip it. You get the point.


So why, you may ask, do we need a seven-minute stock-footage crash-course on Cold-War electronic early-warning systems? Because those radar fences are about to do a job slightly different from the one for which they were designed, and warn the Free World of attack, not by vast armadas of Tu-95s, but rather by a single colossal bug.




The heavy load of narration and stock footage that this movie must lug around is probably more than any could bear without damage, and the film’s almost complete lack of concern for the hows and whys of its story doesn’t help matters any. It is also hobbled by extraneous scenes, extraneous characters, and a general lack of urgency. The damn thing is only 78 minutes long, for God’s sake, but it seems to take at least three times that because so little of that time is spent moving the plot along. But it has a really cool, really crappy monster, and ultimately, that’s all that matters.


Also amusing the extent to which The Deadly Mantis is a commercial for the Civilian Observer Corps, the volunteer organization whose job it was to monitor the skies for Russian bombers on their days off. A huge amount of the movie’s stock footage concerns the activities of this bunch, as they hang around on the roofs and balconies of buildings, scanning the horizons for any sign of a praying mantis 150 feet long. In fact, the film’s producers even took the trouble to thank the COC for its cooperation (and for all the stock footage, without which they might actually have had to spend some money on this turkey).


All in all, you’re probably better off with Bert I. Gordon and AIP, but The Deadly Mantis is not completely devoid of charm."





... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE!


But first lets go over a few ground rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in this or any Galindo Theaters locations. Any and all talkers will be fingered mercilessly. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Oh, and remember ...




Enjoy the show, y'all!




And that's about it.


Wind clan out.

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Giant Bug Edition ...



Yoiinked from dvddrive-in, 1000misspenthours.com and the almighty wikipedia ...


"The Giant Spider Invasion is a low-budget 1975 film produced by Transcentury Pictures, a partnership owned by the film's director Bill Rebane. The film is about giant spiders that terrorize the town of Merrill, Wisconsin and the surrounding area. The Giant Spider Invasion was given a U.S. release in theaters in 1975, and was distributed by Group 1 Films.


The film gives major roles to some actors who might have been considered 'has-beens' at the time. The leads were Steve Brodie and Barbara Hale, with other roles going to Alan Hale, Jr. and Leslie Parrish. The film's final monster - and the film's largest 'giant spider' - was constructed by covering a Volkswagen automobile with artificial fur. The back of the car was the front of the monster, and its red tail lights served as the monster's glowing eyes. A few other 'giant spiders' were puppets representing spiders as large as dogs.




This truly unforgettable film was given a boost by no less a personage than Stephen King, who marveled at length over its unabashedly budget-conscious monster effects in the chapter on awful horror movies in Danse Macabre, and while some points of King’s description are either exaggerated or just plain mistaken, the various gargantuan spiders— created by Richard Albain (who went on to have an actual career) and Robert Millay (who did not)— are indeed pretty incredible. But as is so often the case with the best of the worst, the fabulously shitty monsters are only the beginning.


The altered Volkswagen Beetle actually doesn't look that bad, and I think people ridicule the effects only because it's well known that there's a car under that carpet and those tremendous pipe cleaners (hell, they only had about $10,000 to spend on effects). Seeing people get sucked upside down into one of these things, blood gushing and all, is a site to behold. Other veterans in the cast are Barbara Hale ('Perry Mason') as an astronomer and Steve Brodie as a NASA scientist. Neither look too embarrassed.


An outrageous mix of 50s giant monster motifs and backwoods 70s sleaze, the film's impressive theatrical poster art was a throwback to the giant monster movies of the 1950s ...




It seems there’s something about spiders, more than any other invertebrate, that fires the imaginations of really lousy filmmakers. Even with that in mind, however, The Giant Spider Invasion is something special. It isn’t often that Alan Hale Jr. puts in the most credible performance in a movie, nor is it common to encounter a film that will offer up something as ludicrous as a black hole crash-landing in a cow pasture with a straight face.


The film was shown mainly in drive-in theaters where it languished and died. Director Bill Rebane's movies usually did just that, but this movie as well as his first film, 1965's Monster-A-Go-Go, achieved additional exposure decades later when they were wonderfully ripped to shreds in episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The Giant Spider Invasion was ripped in season 8, episode 10 ...




This movie also has some of the most wonderful fleeing-crowds footage since Reptilicus, and a few shots of the main monster eating people which are on nearly the same exalted plane of gross technical overreach as their counterparts from the latter film. For my money, the actor-eating spider is even funnier than the spidermobile that attacks the carnival, if for no other reason than that we get a much better look at it.


But really, the most incredible thing of all, however, may be the simple fact that The Giant Spider Invasion was not by a long shot the worst movie Bill Rebane made. Have you ever really SEEN Monster-A-Go-Go before? Worst movie ever made. Kida sad."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Old Ice Cream

A Few Fruit Snacks

Whatever I Can Raid From Next Door




... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are omnce again PROUD to present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE!


But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed during the feature. Any and all talkers will be murdered Sweeney Todd style, hell yeah! there are no cell phones or African-American berries allowed in the theater. And NO TEXTING allowed!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).




Well, all that's left to say is ...


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


CLICK HERE TO WATCH "THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION" RIGHT NOW!


Pope Steve loves you.


Wind Clan out.