NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from wikipedia and mating-habits.com ...


"The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human is a 1999 American mockumentary directed and written by Jeff Abugov, and starring David Hyde Pierce, Carmen Electra, Lucy Liu, and Mackenzie Astin.


Imagine you're an alien zipping along in your flying saucer with a little spare time on your... hands... or, whatever. You're kicking back with the alien-equivalent of a brewski, flipping through the alien equivalent of cable TV when you come across a nature documentary on this primitive race of critters called 'Humans.' Before you know it, you're sucked into watching how these strange and irrational beings live, court, and mate. Though it makes no sense whatsoever, it's sure more entertaining than watching the alien equivalent of the Home Shopping Network. Such is the clever premise of Jeff Abugov's ingenious and hysterical satire 'Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human.'




Pierce, playing an alien (credited as infinity-cubed in the opening credits), narrates a courtship in a late-20th century American city as an extraterrestrial nature documentary. The relationship "footage" is played straight, while the voice-over (with its most often wildly inaccurate theories) and elaborate visual metaphors add comedy. Among the themes explored is the possibility that, when describing their interpretation of other species' acts and feelings, humans may be getting everything wrong.


Like some entry from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, structured along the lines of, say, Wild Kingdom, 'Mating Habits...' follows The Male (Mackenzie Astin) and The Female (gulp, Carmen Electra) as they perform the elaborate dance we call "dating," but Narrator David Hyde Pierce ('Frazier') elevates to the much loftier-sounding Mating Ritual. Electra, surprisingly enough, and Astin hold up their end of the bargain as they navigate the traditional perils of a burgeoning relationship: the First Kiss, the Meeting of the Parents, the First... You Know. All are clinically and comically chronicled by Pierce's unflappable narrator who easily steals this show. Picture a very chipper Niles from Frazier confidentially calling the penis a Seed Shooter and you get the idea.


Throw in the best on-screen human sperm bits since Woody Allen's 'Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afrais to Ask' and you've got a winner. We're certainly an odd lot, we humans. But, interesting and entertaining as this clever film certainly is, imagine if The Male had been Electra's real life hubby Dennis Rodman. I wonder if aliens watch freak shows, too."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:


Coffee

Pills

Chips

Loneliness

Ice Cream

Internet Porn (so lonely)




... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE!


But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed. Any and all talkers will be murdered Sweeney Todd-ish. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).




So, all that's left to say is ...


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


WATCH THE MATING HABITS OF THE EARTHBOUND HUMAN FOR FREE RIGHT NOW!

Oh Hey ...

There is a potential Donkey Kong kill screen coming up if anyone is interested.




If anyone's interested.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Secret Story Of My "Other" Children ...

Lele was less than a year old when she started coming to my story times. she was just a baby and yet she would stare with wild wide eyes at me and my craziness.


See, I have been doing story times at work twice a week for over seven years. That's a long time. And when I started doing it, little baby Lele was there and would come and see me almost every week.


I got to see that baby grow ...




That's her as Dorothy.


She kept coming to story time. She was small, quiet, polite, and wanted nothing more than to listen and learn. She was and IS the most well behaved kid I've ever had in my seven+ years doing story time.


Well then she started to GROW ...




She grew up with me and my story times. She has kind of been like some sort of other secret daughter of mine, an "other" family that I care about very much.


And eventually Lele was joined by a baby sister named Lexi...




... and there was a sweet time. Lele AND Lexi at story time listening to be and playing with me and coloring with me. The big sister helping the little sister in falling in love with me.


There was definitely a bond there. Seeing these kids grow up right before my eyes and seeing them so much, it humbled me and warmed my heart to them. We would hug. Lele would sit on my lap. Lexi would hug me. It was a very sweet feeling.


Eventually the torch was passed. Lele grew up and went to school while new baby Lexi, just like her sister years back, was small, quiet, polite, and wanted nothing more than to listen and learn and watch me read stories.




Well, here comes the sad part. See, when I get regulars that come once or twice every week to see me, eventually I know they'll grow up and leave me. And that's what they did. About a year or two ago I stopped seeing them at every story time. Ballet lessons, school, karate lessons and various other little kid things came between me and my "other" kids. They were growing up without me and there was nothing I could do to change that.


It was very sad and a part of me broke a little bit, but every once in a blue moon they would come and see me at a story time or they would show up randomly and I'd get hugs and tackles and stories of how they were growing up.


And I got a LOT of Christmas cards ...





Well, when I came back to work last wednesday. It was a week after the surgery and I was dizzy and feeling sick. Not only that but I also had a ton of stuff to do and no energy to do it all.


I was having a horrible day, until guess who came to see me?




It was my "other" children!


Their smiling faces just made my week.


Hell, they made my MONTH!


When my bipolar flares up and I feel stupid and I feel like nobody cares and nobody gives a damn and I just want to start cutting again, it's thoughts of my "other" children that bring me back from the abyss.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Why I Absolutely HATE The Movie Forrest Gump ...

THIS IS A REPRINT FROM MY DUST COVERED ANTI-STEVE BLOG, "ESTEBAN GALINDO'S STUPID BLOG"...




The summer before my senior year I spend a few days at a high school journalism convention at Northern Arizona State University in Flagstaff. I had already been chosen as the Editor-In-Chief of my school newspaper for my senior year. I was the first male editor of my paper and the first Latino editor of my paper, so I was expected to go to Flagstaff and mingle with other, peppier, much much WHITER editors. Having already gone to two other high school journalism conventions, I brought a ton of comic books and cassettes that I could play on my little handheld cassette player. And a ton of money so that I could walk over to that kick ass massive used music, book, comic book, video game, and magazine store and score some good cheap stuff.


My first day there I walked to the place and managed to find a used cassette tape of the Forrest Gump soundtrack for only $8.99 and that was a deal because it was two cassettes and super expensive. I remember walking back to my temp dorm room with a spring in my step because I couldn't wait to lock the door, crank up the Forrest Gump soundtrack and just rock out in the way I'd normally rock out in an empty room.


Walking into the lobby of the dorm, there were a massive scattered group of forty or fifty kids just sitting all over the floor braiding hair and chatting and playing games and hitting on each other. These were all upperclass white kids that I didn't know. Not a lot of Mexican high school editors in 1994. As I walk to the elevator this really attractive blond girl WHOM I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE asks me what I got. I told her I bought the Forrest Gump soundtrack. She squealed in the way that teens do and told me about how much she loved that movie and loved that soundtrack.


So this total stranger chick WHOM I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE asked me if she could borrow it. I stammered and said no. She pouted and asked why. "Um, because I don't KNOW you" I answered.


She pouted and said "But don't I LOOK trustworthy?"


To tell you the truth, she looked like a cast member of Gossip Girls but that hadn't been created back then. I stammered some more, during which she pathetically begged me to let her borrow it with all the energy of a hyperactive squirrel on speed. "I can't let you borrow it," I said. "I don't know who you are or what your name is or ..."


She spit out her name so quickly that I don't even remember it, then continued her begging. I remember the people she was sitting beside, rich looking white kids no doubt from some upper class suburb like Tempe or Scottsdale. They were looking at me with an open mouthed look of humor, their teeth occasionally poking out of their laughs at me.


"I don't know you. And besides, I bought it. And I haven't even listened to it yet. And if I let you borrow it then how will you find me and give it back to me?"


"Aww, come on, don't be such a wuss! Just let me borrow it!"


The 5th Dimension: Aquarius (Let The Sunshine In)


I was sixteen back then. Now I'm thirty years old with an amazing younger wife and two amazing daughters who both love wrestling and dancing in the kitchen to Beatles music. My life is good. I'm a successful storyteller and children's entertainer and I make thirteen bucks an hour as the manager of the children's section of a major bookstore. I live in California and I have a wife and two kids and a semi-cult following and my life is pretty damn good. I am a stark contrast to the shy little person that I used to be back in Arizona.


See, I mention all of this pointless back story bull because the Steve from California? He would have cut that bitch off, put her in her place, yelled at her and gotten angry with her and cussed her out for having the balls to come at a total stranger and demand something like that. I have numerous times and at great length come up with whole other things I should have said and ways I should have reacted, ways that would have satisfied me, ways that would have showed that I wasn't such a stupid, weak, shy, worthless little loser back then.


But yeah. I let that complete stranger borrow it.


I went back to my temporary dorm and played my warbly R.E.M. cassette for the 100th time and daydreamed stupid thoughts of the girl so grateful to me for letting her borrow my tape that she'd hug me or even kiss me and we'd start dating and fall in love. I imagined us dating and even made a list of the places we could go on dates.


The next day on my way to classes she found me, tossed me the cassette, and mumbled a small thanks.


She might as well had ripped my dick off.


I am so ashamed of myself for that. Who in their right mind would buy something and then let a complete and total stranger borrow it? Me, apparently. And the thing that sucks is that the Forrest Gump soundtrack is one amazing soundtrack, one of the best soundtracks ever. And now I can't listen to it. I can hardly even see the movie.


It all stands as a reminder of how weak I used to be.


And still am. Inside.




Why Forrest Gump Ranks Amongst the Worst Movies of All Time

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My Nasal Surgery Vacation ...







Surgery Movies: Part One - The Crazies, a boring grindhouse movie created seemingly just to be part two of some double feature. It's a good plot, a good premise, a good IDEA, but a bad and boring movie. Makes me want to see the remake.


Part Two - The Giant Claw, a good monster movie somehow made GREAT by the BAD special effects. I could watch this over and over again. It's just a bunch of mindless cinematic fun.


Part Three - The Day The Earth Froze, a pretty bad kiddie flick that's SO BAD that even the MST3K bots can't make it entertaining. Sigh.


Part Four - Don't Look In The Basement, a very well written horror movie that doesn't let its predictable twist turn this into soomething boring. It's smart, funny, and creepy. The low budget helps make this look more realistic. A fun ass movie all around.


Part Five - Invasion of the Neptune Men, a japanese movie that looks just like a million other japanese movies, but is still worth a watch or two. Mr. Lobo and Cinema Insomnia make it a million times more fun.


Part Six - Yongary. Still haven't watched this one. My house is crazy over here.




























Monday, July 26, 2010

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week: Special Surgery Edition (Part 6) ...



Yoinked from wikipedia, stomptokyo and 1000misspenthours.com ...


"Yonggary or Yongary (대괴수 용가리 - Taekoesu Yongary lit. Great Monster Yongary), also known as Yongary, Monster from the Deep, is a 1967 South Korean teukchwal (특촬 - "special effects" or tokusatsu) film directed by prominent genre-film director Kim Ki-duk (no relation to the art film director Kim Ki-duk). In 1999, director Shim Hyung-rae filmed a remake in name only of the film which was retitled Reptilian in the United States.




Made when Godzilla reached the height of his popularity, Yongary, Monster from the Deep was a blatant attempt to capitalize on the sucess of that most popular of movie dinosaurs. This movie is quite similar to Giant Monster Gamera, made at about the same time. It was dubbed and released in the US, much to the delight of B-movie fans. It was released in Germany as Godzilla's Todespranke.




What’s surprising about Yongary is how much effort seems to have gone into it, at least technically speaking. The budget was obviously agonizingly low, and the movie features some of the worst matte shots of all time, but there’s an enormous amount of miniature scenery getting smashed, and the monster suit itself is at least as good as what Toho was serving up in the late 1960’s. Such a shame, then, that the people responsible for this film didn’t feel the need to put commensurate effort into the acting, direction, or screenplay.




In the United States, the original film is now widely available on DVD in various budget-DVD packs and single budget DVDs. MGM released the original Yongary, Monster from the Deep as part of their Midnite Movies series on September 11, 2007. It is paired as a double feature with the giant ape film Konga (1961). James Owsley, a former Director of Technical Services for MGM, could not find the original Korean negative, and believes that it may no longer exist."




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE, thanks to the good people at The Cinemated Man!


But first lets go over a few ground rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in this or any Galindo Theaters locations. Any and all talkers will be ruthlessly pee'd on. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Oh, and remember ...




Enjoy the show, y'all!


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Random Picture Time Again ...













Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week: Special Surgery Edition (Part 5) ...



Yoinked from wikipedia and monster-crap.blogspot.com ...


"Invasion of the Neptune Men (宇宙快速船, Uchū Kaisokusen, Space Hypership) is a tokusatsu SF/superhero film produced by Toei Company Ltd. (as 'New Toei') in 1961. The movie starred then 22-year old Sonny Chiba as the intergalactic superhero Iron-Sharp. (When listed in the credits in the Japanese version, 'Iron Sharp' was played by '?', a gimmick often used in many similar Japanese superhero shows at the time)


This is the only appearance of the character Iron-Sharp (who's dressed in silver tights, helmet, cape, carries a ray gun and rides a car-like rocketship), who is called 'Space Chief' in the US version. In either case, this film is similar to many a show in the Toei Superhero genre from the same period, like Planet Prince (Toei's movie version).




I don’t know how to sugar coat this movie. Some may say that Prince of Space was worse. I disagree with that thought. Space Chief was set in a lighter theme and you could seriously have fun with it. Invasion of the Neptune Men, however, was not and set in a darker theme. You couldn’t really find joy in anything other than the scene where the nazi Hitler building blows up.


But the good news is that at least one of the actors was able to go on to do better things. Sonny Chiba (the man who played Space Chief and Dr. Tabano) ended up doing very well in other movies. He became a pivotal figure in the 1970s explosion of martial arts cinema as a lethal 'fists for hire' trouble shooter Terry Tsurugi in the The Street Fighter series (not to be confused with the game). He also has a huge fan in known director Quentin Tarentino, who cast him to play the sword maker in Kill Bill Volume 1. I’m sure he has forgotten the folly of this film on a major level and why wouldn’t he?


The film was later featured on season eight of the movie-mocking show Mystery Science Theater 3000 in 1997, where it was subjected to some unusually brutal jokes. As MST3K's central concept revolves around (pathetically unsuccessful) attempts to torture an average Joe and his robots into insanity with bad movies, Invasion of the Neptune Men is significant by genuine effectiveness. The crew is borderline suicidal by the third host segment, only being saved by a surprise visit from the Phantom Dictator/Chicken Man of Krankor from Prince of Space.




Cinema Insomnia is a nationally syndicated American television series presented by horror host Mr. Lobo. The show began as filler for the 3 AM movie on KXTV ABC News10 in Sacramento. It ran for 22 episodes, 2001-2002 before the show was put on permanent hiatus. The second version of the show was made for local community television Access Sacramento, and ran for one year on Comcast Channel 17 and 18. This version of the show was also distributed to public access stations across the country via the Horror Host Underground. From 2003 to 2008 Cinema Insomnia was nationally syndicated airing on broadcast stations across the country. Cinema Insomnia now aired weekly to independent stations via various outlets PMI, Access Media Group, White Springs TV and AMGTV as well as the now defunct UATV network.


Two episodes of the show, the ones which feature the films A Bucket of Blood and Starcrash, feature the superb acting talents of beloved storyteller, award winning blogger and legal Pope, the Reverend Steve Galindo. And the two episodes that were graced by Steve's presence are widely regarded as the absolute bestest things ever made by man.


Invasion of the Neptune Men was featured in season two of Cinema Insomnia."




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE! But first lets go over a few ground rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in this or any Galindo Theaters locations. Any and all talkers will be fingered mercilessly. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Oh, and remember ...




Enjoy the show, y'all!


Wind clan out.


Watch Cinema Insomnia's INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN for FREE right now!