NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Court Case ...



This is a secret, possibly even illegal, picture of me in court this afternoon as I finally faced down Tony Low, the man who put a gun to my head and almost killed me in a robbery a few months back.


I did not have a written speech, but I didn't need any. Instead, with a broken and cracked voice, I stood before the court and brought up three key points which I will now summarize ...


1) Robbing a bookstore is stupid because smart people work at those establishments, as opposed to employees of gas stations, liquor stores, convenience stores, or other places more frequently robbed.


2) I thanked the robber for showing me how strong and brave I could be. I mean, sure I'm deeply paranoid, I have post traumatic stress disorder, I have a hard time leaving my house, I have a hard time sleeping, Work is difficult, I'm balls deep in therapy, my health is deteriorating and I feel like I'm going crazy, but the guy showed me via a life and death experience just how brave I really am inside.


3) "And, because I am here (gestures to the judge, pauses) I would like to have it stated for the record (pause) that we are brave."


So it's official. I am brave, officially, and there are court documents to prove it.


It was all scary as hell, but he's gone now. He's going to jail for 25 years. Good riddance, you son of a bitch. I hope you rot in there. And I hope the rumors regarding what goes on in prisons is 100% true.




So...


That's done.


Now what?


When do I start to heal, dammit?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Situation ...



That's my wife. And a duck. Those bastards are getting bigger and bigger every second.


So here's the situation...


In order to get wi-fi at our house, the jackasses over at Comcast have to repeatedly come over and drill underneath our house so they can extend some wires thru the ground and then thru our house. Comcast needs to drill thru our freaking house. And that alone will take one to two weeks. And that's not even including the installation, however long that will take.


This sucks!


So the only way to get wi-fi is still to crouch into the corner of our youngest daughter's messy beyond repair room and pray to the gods of internet connectivity that we can connect to the fleeting, weak ass, anonymous linksys connection.


I miss my Church-less Movie Of The Week. I also miss my Netflix On Demand and my Faceybooks and my internet porns.


Fuck. I miss a lot of things.


My therapist says that I need to blog, that it's helping me. I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder after the robbery and venting my feelings is supposed to help me. But without the internet I feel like I have this massive knot in my chest that I can't fix.


Speaking of the robbery, tomorrow I go to court to witness the sentencing of the guy who put a gun to my head at work last February. I'm scared and freaked the fuck out, but my wife will be with me as well as the rest of the Gun Point Crew. I also have my therapist on speed dial so that I can text her my fears.


I better go.


Wish me luck.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

More Pain For The Internetless ...



This is a picture of me from the new video game Raw VS Smackdown 2011 for the Wii. The game is so brand new that this means that this picture represents THE most accurate me ever rendered in a video game. So, yeah. Pretty historic, really.


Stupid Comcast said it would take one day yto set up the internets in our home. We were pretty excited. Yay internets!


Then they said one MORE day. Oh well, we said. Still, YAY INTERNETS!


Now they're saying seven to FOURTEEN DAYS!!!


I hate my internetless life! I HATE not having my instant Netflix! And besides, I have SOOOOO MUCH to talk about...


Thanksgiving!

Work!

Black friday!

Marriage!

Scott Pilgrim and my kids!

My hair!

MY FREAKING LIFE!!!


(sigh)


Wish me luck, I guess!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Work Blogging ...



That's an old picture of Pirate Steve taking kids on a scavenger hunt thru the bookstore.


Wow. Lotta freaking asian kids in that picture! I wonder why there were so many of them!


Still no internets at home, so no sunday movie today. I'm actually working today, too! On a sunday! ME! Can you believe that? I should be at home watching something terrible!


Anyway, I have to get back to work. I just wanted to check in. Here's to hoping I get wi-fi soon!


Bye!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Early Internets (In 3D!!!) ...


That's me in the break room. I'm at work early again.


I really like getting here early. I get to kick back, watch a bad movie I bring in from home, and relax before going nuts and doing the work of three people at my damn job.


See, my therapist said something yesterday to me, something about how my manic depression and my bipolar makes me have a really hard time COMPREHENDING some things, so I need this time before work to fully understand and comprehend what is expected of me.


Or something like that. My last therapy session was rough. I was crying. My wife was crying.


My therapy lady totally Oprah-ed us.


THIS is the movie I'm watching today ...






It's a jungle pic written by Ed Wood. It's a gorilla picture with a strange woodian twist. The woman lead is actually the reincarnation of the queen of the gorillas or something. And in the end, the woman lives happily ever after with some giant gorilla in a jungle filled with stock footage.


Jungle bestiality. Great.


Speaking of movies, yesterday the fam and I went downtown to go see a special 3D screening of Disney's new picture Tangled. And I am deeply happy to say that Tangled is a great, classic Disney princess movie but with A.D.H.D. Good stuff. It was fast paced, the songs were pretty good, I was laughing throughout, and the 3D was fucking amazing. It's a really good movie. Disney is finally taking some thunder away from Pixar. about damn time.


I'm blogging at work because we STILL have no internets at home. And it's driving me crazy. I want my blog, my facebooks, my stupid facebook superhero game, my Movie Monster Music, my bad movies. I miss it. I want it back. I need wifi.


My therapist also said that my blogging is good for me. Yeah! Posting pictures of girls with big tits and bad movies is REALLY helping me not cut myself!




And don't ask me how my book is doing.


I've only gotten about 5,000 pages so far. I have an amazing, awesome, killer idea. I just don't have the drive and the patience.


Maybe I'll work on it today.


See you later, everybody!

It's Random Picture Time ...

















Monday, November 8, 2010

The Sad, Pathetic New Corner Of My World ...



That's a picture of me huddled in my youngest daughter's room. I feel vaguely shameful. This is the only way that I can get a working wi-fi signal in my house. Now the internet is a thing for me to hunt. That saddens me.


I miss my Netflix on Demand.


(sniffle)


We may sign up for Comcast's new "Xfinity Internet" plan, but it sounds too good to be true. It's only $19.99 a month for a year and it'll be ready next day. that just sounds way too easy, too simple. There's gotta be a catch!


Anyway, it's not like we can afford the freaking internets.


(double sniffle)


Well, today is monday. And since my wife back is in school she needs to read and study almost constantly. This means that for the better part of my mondays I end up all alone.


That would probably be enough to seriously bum out most people, put them in some sort of sad, quiet, existential funk. But it wouldn't be enough for a lover of bad films like me! Mondays are my special movie MARATHON days!


Last week I watched two Saw movies, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, the Disney animated version, and a David Cross comedy special. Not too shabby!


Today, however, I've already watched two Gamera movies that almost melted my brain with their stupidity, a Chesty Morgan movie that was all about her size 72 boobs and very little else, and I'm almost through watching the classic film How To Make A Monster. And it's not even three in the afternoon yet! I'm on fire!


Hey, what else am I supposed to do without the internets?


And so, because I'm so awesome, here's one of the movies that I've seen today, absolutely free for your viewing pleasure!


Enjoy ...




It's a pretty good movie. It's a lot like Wes Craven's New Nightmare but a few decade before Freddy became invented. Plus the sudden, inexplicable change at the end from black and white to color is just amazing.


I'll see you when I see you, everybody.


Wish me luck!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Sad Internet Pains ...



That's a picture of me watching MST3K's Manos: The Hands Of Fate in the break room at my work a few days ago. Good times.


We've lost our internet connection. We need to get a new provider but until we do then it's going to be a bit dicey in regards to updating this blog.


Apparently I CAN get a very weak on and off wi-fi signal ... as long as I lay on my daughter's bed and hug the wall. Kinda lame but at least its something.


Anyway, wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

My Pet Ducks ...

It's been about 4 weeks since my 8-year-old's science fair projects started hatching... and I didn't know they grew so FAST!!! STOP GROWING!!!


Look at them! Those goddamn things are HUGE!!!


Also, besides the duck bath, in the video the camera gets wet, my youngest daughter starts a life of stripping, and we almost lose a duck in a very Rocky moment.


Enjoy ...




My life is always full of crazy stuff!

Monday, November 1, 2010

NaNoWriMo ...



I'm doing it! I'm writing a novel!


My wife successfully accomplished her goal last year and actually wrote a novel as part of NaNoWriMo, the annual November novel writing movement. And this year I've decided that it's MY turn to give it a try.


I wasn't going to do it but then I figured I could take this time to finally write the Church of Ed Wood bible and I was totally going to, but then a few days ago a really GREAT idea just CAME to me and I just KNEW I had to run with it.


So now I need to write write 50,000 words of a new novel in just one month.


I have a good idea, I know I do. I just don't have the drive. Not in the slightest. But balls in, fingers crossed, and here's to hoping, right?


So wish me luck and be sure to egg me on!




And may the spirit of Ed Wood guide me on my hack novel writing career!