I was once again the designated driver this New Years Eve.
We went to a friend's boyfriend's aunt's house and that right there was uncomfortable to me. I was hoping to just spend the night at home with our family and my "other wife" Lisa's kids and just party and make fun of Dick Clark and hang out. But we had to go somewhere I didn't know with a bunch of people, only 15% I actually KNOW.
Secondly, I'm still sober. And it's been extremely difficult lately for me to STAY sober, too. So being around hyperactive loud talking drunk twentysomethings intent on getting wasted didn't feel comfortable to me. So, in typical Steve fashion, I spent most of the night either alone by the fire or entertaining the children that were there. Typical Steve.
Finally, my wife and I had a bad argument on the way there. It was about something stupid and I felt bad. It was something small but to my wife it was something super mega huge. Things have been at best "complicated" with my wife and I. And I really am not at liberty to discuss the matter any further. There's a lot of crap that I can't really talk about right now. I wish i could, but I can't. I just can't.
But most of the night, I'd say about three hours, were spent by the fire outside. It was freezing as hell outside, but the fire made it ... slightly LESS freezing. Plus there's something about fire pits and chimneys that make me feel so deeply relaxed. It felt good being there watching it burn. It felt comforting. It was a nice way to end such a shitty year for me.
I had a long talk right before we left with my friend Jen. She was a bit tipsy and asked me, essentially, why I've been so depressed for the past four or so years. She notices a change in me, a change that most people who know me can also see. I like to think that I'm finally allowing myself to quit the phony "cocky funnyman" facade and am allowing myself to be sad and quiet. She sees me as a depressed downer who has made a complete 180 turn since I first met my wife almost eight years ago.
I want to be happy, but I don't want to be happy because people expect me to.
I don't know what I'm going to do.