Almost one year ago I was in a robbery at work. I almost died and got a nasty case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of it.
Before the robbery I was working with a store manager who, it was common knowledge, had a personal vendetta against me and made my life a living hell for two years.
And now that time has passed and things are completely different at work, I know that I have nothing to be afraid of anymore.
But I can't stop being afraid at work. It's starting to affect my work. And what's worse is that the people at work don't seem to care.
I think it's important to state that it's not JUST the robbery. I mean, don't get me wrong. That's a major part of it. I had a gun pointed to my head. I could have died. I risked my life for this store and even though a whole year has passed it still frightens me.
Another thing that frightens me about being here is the whole paranoia issue when it comes to management. I mean, I know that the current managerial situation does NOT have it out for me. I know that. But I spent about two years working under a regime that found every possible reason to get me in trouble, to write me up, to cut me down and make me want to quit. I'm normally a fairly paranoid individual, but what happens when your paranoid delusions become real and they really ARE out to get you?
Right now it's early monday afternoon, Valentine''s Day, and I'm sitting in the break room of my work taking a breathing treatment and blogging while watching Rob Van Dam wrestle "Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero in a ladder match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship in a Raw match from 2002.
It's a comfortable situation and I seem calm and cool and collected, but there are butterflies in my stomach because of how deeply afraid I am to simply be here. I don't want to clock in. I don't want to spend eight hours here. I'm afraid. I am deeply afraid. And I don't know why but all I know is that deep down inside I want nothing more than to just go home and cry.
So what do I do?
I could transfer to another store, but I really don't want that long of a commute every morning. Besides, I've worked my ass off to be who I am at this store and I really don't want to have to start over.
I could quit, but my family depends on the $13.50 an hour that I bring in. Besides, what other job could I get that would be so understanding of me and my craziness and my mental and physical issues? I have a great thing going here at this job and I don't want to give it up. Besides, even though I don't really go out or have any friends, the people I work with are as close to friends as I may ever have. And most of them would stab me in the back at a moment's notice.
Starting next month I will finally have a second job. I will be in business for myself doing kids birthday parties. I will basically be doing my crazy weekly storytime thing but inside people's homes.
I don't think that it will be something big enough for me to quit my bookstore job.
But we'll see.
Wind Clan out.