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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

This Post Is In No Way Related To Anything Or Anyone ...

What do you do when your paranoia turns out to be right and everyone around you actually DOES hate you?

And what do you do when, after years and years of trying so hard to be a man, you suddenly and inexplicably discover that everyone around you who you thought were your friends apparently hate your guts?

And what do you do when the friends you used to have don't trust you anymore and the only friends you actually do have are "invisible" friends and followers on-line?

What do you do when seemingly the only people around you that don't hate you are your wife and kids?

I hate myself today.

I woke up happy, had a super day, got a ton of stuff done, and then I got hit with an emotional sledgehammer and now I hate myself. I hate myself and I hate my life. I seriously never want to leave this house. Ever again.

I am not good with people in a personal, one-on-one environment. I am a social sped. So I try so hard to be normal and be likable and gain actual friends. But every time I feel like I'm doing good and I feel like people like me, I turn around and find that everyone seems to hate my guts and no one trusts me and I have no friends.

Ruth's Hat: Super Heroes (Rocky Horror Punk Rock Show)

I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but I tried so hard and actually thought that things were looking up for me and then, out of nowhere, I suddenly find out that I'm hated and that most of the people around me feel deeply offended and want nothing to do with me. And the woman I loved, my Risa, apparently did not accept my APOLOGY and ran her mouth off, which she does at a professional level, to the point where she got everyone around me to look at me as some hideous monster. Shit. I still loved her!

So that's me now. This is where I am. I'm hated and despised and I feel dead inside. I feel cold, even though I'm sweating and I can't stop shaking. I just want to take a shower and go to sleep and never wake up or go outside ever again. I'm done with people. Society is overrated. Screw life.

So what do you do when your paranoid fears were right all along? What do you do when the people you work for are LITERALLY out to get you?

What the hell do you do then?


Anonymous said...

Try and take some comfort in the fact that you have thousands of fans and followers all around the world in germany and Spain and Norway and all over the globe. I know that doesn't help you in your work, but try and smile.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous #1, and I'll add this: Take comfort in your loved ones, and also, (though many people do indeed suck) remember there *will* be other cool folks who will befriend you in the near future. And some of them will stay true blue, like a friend should do. I say this from experience, so it's not like I'm a CGI designer preaching how to do puppetry - I promise.