NOTE: There will be a lot of ad-libbing on Steve's part (or giggling, in Danielle's part) COMPLETE memorization of the lines is NOT required. It is totally okay if you need to hold small quecards or even the whole script. It's okay. Just do your best.
There will be a curtain separating the back and closet area of the kids stage from the audience. Right before the play starts we will sneak everyone needed into that back area. There will also be a computer playing beautiful American photographs while music plays. The computer is key.
The beginning of the play will make it seem as if it has not yet started, with Steve asking "Are you guys ready for the show to start?" but then fooling them with "But before the show starts, I want to talk to you about American history." Steve will them make up stuff about American history to make it seem like he's smart, but it'll be obviously fake stuff like AMERICA WAS FOUNDED IN 1400 BC BY NINJAS. This will go on for a while until Steve starts describing famous Americans...
STEVE: There's George Washington our first wigged president, then there's Abraham Lincoln who wore a stovetop hat and ended slavery... and, this is absolutely true, he LOOOOVED pro-wrestling, which makes him the greatest and COOLEST president. Then there's another very IMPORTANT american, actor and comedian Steve Martin! But I'm talking about PRE-80s Steve Martin! Very important for me to clarify that. Before he started doing movies and getting all serious.
But I don't want you kids thinking that the only important americans are men. No no no, my young patriots, because WOMEN have had an amazing effect on our country as well. Betsy Ross was a woman and she made the first American flag as well as a chain of low cost clothing stores that bear her last name. Amelia Earhart was the first person to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean and mysteriously disappeared. No one knows where she THERE SHE IS! I FOUND HER! I FOUND oh wait, nevermind, that's a kid. Nevermind. My bad. Sally Ride was the first American woman—and then-youngest American—to enter space. Cool, huh. she was also inducted in 2006 into the California Hall of Fame alongside what I can only assume is Tom hanks and a man on his cell phone while driving and trying to turn left from the right hand lane.
Yes, a lot of people helped shape this nation into the nation it is now. In fact, I made a short video here on my computer about famous americans. Let's watch!
Steve tries to play it but the video turns out to be a video of the evil and sinister DR. BORDERZ who, after some back and forth between Steve and Borderz, reveals that he has in fact taken over america and that the country is now called the United States of Borderz.
Steve decided that he must do something, so he and the kids come up with ideas on how to save America. The list they come up with includes:
Bowing Down To America's New Ruler
... until eventually Steve comes up with the idea of going back in time, get some famous americans, and have them help him come up with an idea of how to stop Dr. Borderz. And since I honestly can't think of any way to go back in time, I will ask the kids how to do it and I'm sure eventually THEY will come up with some way for me to do it.
The first person we meet is Lincoln. He is wearing a stovetop hat. (Now, I may not have a Lincoln, so if I don't then we will just skip it)
STEVE: Where are we? Who are you?
LINCOLN: I am Abraham Lincoln. I was one of America's finest presidents.
STEVE: Ok. What did you do that was so great?
LINCOLN: Well, I freed the slaves.
STEVE: And what else?
LINCOLN: What else? Well, I made a speech called The Gettysburg Address that is considered one of the finest speeches of all time.
STEVE: Ok, okay. (pause)What else?
LINCOLN: Okay, well, lets see, I ended the civil war as well.
STEVE: Okay. What else?
LINCOLN: What do you MEAN what else? I told you a lot. That's not enough for you?
STEVE: Okay okay okay, sorry. Look, I am from the future. An evil madman has taken over America and I need YOU to come with me back to the future and help me come up with a way to stop him.
LINCOLN: What? A madman has taken over MY country? Then take me to the future. I'll find that madman and SLAM HIS HEAD IN WITH A STEEL CHAIR! OOOHH YEAHH!
STEVE: Wow, Abraham Lincoln, you really DID like pro-wrestling!
So they both go thru time again and eventually meet a young woman sitting down in the middle of the stage. She is sewing and has a shawl over her head.
STEVE: Nonononono, don't be frightened. I'm Mr. Steve. I come from the future. Who are you?
BETSY: I am Betsy Ross.
STEVE: Umm, yeah. I think I've heard of you. Aren't you The Incredible Hulk's girlfriend?
BETSY: No. What is an Incredible Hulk?
STEVE: Oh, I know who you are! You're that woman who flew across the Atlantic, right?
BETSY: No. I have never flown.
STEVE: Then who are you? What have you done for America?
BETSY: Well, I created the american flag which united our country together as one.
STEVE: You did? Wow. Maybe you can help me. Do you have any super powers?
STEVE: Like, do you have super strength? Or super speed? Or can you leap tall buildings in a single bound? Or can you shoot webs? Or can you talk to fish? Not the coolest super power I'll admit but like can you lift hu-u-u-u-u-uge...
BETSY: MISTER STEVE! I have no super powers.
STEVE: Do you have like super knitting powers?
STEVE: Okay then. You can probably still help us. See, an evil madman has taken over the America of the future and I need YOU to come with me back to the future and help me come up with a way to stop him. Will you do that?
BETSY: For America? Anything. I'd love to help!
STEVE: YAY! I just need one or two more people. So STAY HERE. I'll be right back...
Steve goes backstage for a while and eventually comes back on-stage with two women. One has goggles and blond hair and another is holding a huge fishbowl-like helmet under her arm and has dark hair.
STEVE: And I'm back! Just like that!
BETTY: Where did you go?
STEVE: I went in time again, off stage, and came back with two women who will be SURE to help us. Let me introduce you to Amelia Earhart the pilot and Sally Ride the astronaut.
AMELIA: Hello, everyone. My name is Amelia and I was the first woman to fly across the Atlantic Ocean.
STEVE: (nudges Amelia) A-A-A-AND...
AMELIA: (sighs) And I was in Night At The Museum 2.
SALLY: (stands in front of Amelia) And I am Sally Ride and I was the first woman ... in SPACE! (rubbing it in to Amelia) Yeah, space! HA! Top that!
AMELIA: Well I was an early supporter for equal rights and my bravery paved the way for women everywhere.
SALLY: Yeah, you paved the way for awesome women like ME! You know why? Because I was IN SPACE! I mean, ha, what did you do? Ooh, look at me, I'm Amelia Earhart and I flew over water! Wow. Was it water in space? No, because that was me. Yeah, in space!
AMELIA: Oh yeah, well I disappeared under MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES! OOOOOOH!
SALLY: Well I work at Stanford University's Center for International Security and Arms Control. And I'm still alive! I don't get lost. I have gps in my car.
AMELIA: Oh yeah? Well I may have been a top secret World War 2 spy! And I also survived the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic! And I wrote three bestselling books! And Joni Mitchell wrote an awesome song about me. And Hilary Swank played me in the movie, which was totally awesome. So bite me, Sally. HA!
SALLY: Well, that's all really amazing stuff. But can you do any of those things... IN SPACE?!?
AMELIA: THAT'S IT!
The two get into a fight and Steve has to break them up. Betsy just keeps on sewing.
STEVE: Look, we can't start fighting. Remember why I brought you people here. An evil madman named Dr. Borderz has taken over America and I need all of you to help me come up with a way to stop him. Now think! There has GOT to be some way for us to stop this fiend!
SALLY: Maybe we could go into space and ...
STEVE: NO SPACE, SALLY RIDE! NO! I already have like no budget for this thing as it is!
AMELIA: Maybe the Atlantic Ocean might help us try and ...
STEVE: We don't have time for a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT, Amelia Earhart!
BETSY: Maybe we could use an animal to defeat him somehow.
STEVE: An animal? Like how?
SALLY: Maybe we could get some sort of bird or ...
LINCOLN (or, if not availabe, then AMELIA): Or a pigeon!
SALLY: Yes, a pigeon!
STEVE: Ohhhhh I already don't like where this is going.
SALLY: Maybe we could harness solar radiation and use it to make an ordinary pigeon grow to massive size and then we can use this angry pigeon to defeat this Dr. Borderz.
STEVE: I-I-I-I don't think that a pigeon is a great idea.
STEVE: Because pigeons and me don't really get along that well, okay? That's that. There's a pigeon that sneaks into storytime and what does he like to do? (kids answer) That's right! He pecks me in the face! So there must be a better way. Can you guys think of anything else, you know, something that does NOT involve using a pigeon?
BETSY: So far, Mr. Steve, this pigeon idea has been the best idea. Why don't you like pigeons?
BETSY: Because why?
STEVE: BECAUSE NOTHING, ALRIGHT?!? You know what? Forget you guys and your crazy pigeon ideas. Maybe I'll just go time travel up north and get me some famous CANADIANS to help me! Yeah, what do you think of that? Maybe William Shatner and Justin Bieber will help me come up with a NON-pigeon related way to save America.
LINCOLN (or BETSY): Mr. Steve?
LINCOLN (or BETSY): Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all pigeons are created equal and that these united states are so awesome that a person as awesome as Mr. Steve could put aside his differences with a pigeon long enough to save us all.
STEVE: That ... was moving stuff. (wipes away tears) Fine. I'll do it. I'll use the pigeon to defeat Dr. Borderz. Now, I like the idea of harnessing solar radiation and using it to make the pigeon grow to massive size, but how in the world am I ever supposed to do that? It's not like there's just some machine that would ...
Sally hands Steve a machine.
STEVE: What's this?
SALLY: A machine that harnesses solar radiation to make animals grow to massive size.
STEVE: (stunned) How ... what ... how ... you had this the whole time? How? Why?
SALLY: Because this is just a play.
STEVE: Oh! Okay. Well, I'll be right back ...
Steve goes backstage. Then one of them (probably Amelia) presses play on the computer and sets up the next video that shows Dr. Borderz gloating over his victory, then getting attacked by a giant pigeon. Afterwards, Steve comes out from backstage holding a now normal sized pigeon and gets the kids to cheer for the pigeon's victory.
Mr. Steve ends the play and gives each individual kid credit and a bow.