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Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Fear ...



I HAVE THE FEAR.


That's what I call it. See, it's this feeling I get. I guess it's from my bipolar disorder. It is this unsubstantiated feeling I regularly get that tells me that everything is wrong, that there are bad things happening, that the fates are conspiring against me and the world hates me and that I am stupid and worthless and I should just curl up and die.


I call it "the fear" because that's what Hunter S. Thompson's attourney calls it in the movie Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. It's something concrete. It's tangable. It's like a sudden wave of emotional turbulence that suddenly sneaks its way into my head and, just like a small devil on the shoulder of a looney tunes character, tells me I'm horrible and nobody likes me and that I should commit suicide.


Thankfully, after years of medication and over a year of therapy, I can now consciously realize when the fear enters my head. Because of that I can dismiss these negative thoughts as simply bad chemicals in my brain and not really my own thoughts. I really don't want to kill myself. It's all fake. It's all just the fear again.


I'm reading Stephen King's Dark Tower Series for the first time. I'm on book one. Crazy amazing.


I'm trying to convince myself not to cut my arms open.


I don't think I'm winning.

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