NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Fair ...



The bickering that I predicted from trying to reclaim our house is indeed happening. Being at home is stressful and uncomfortable now. I don't look forward to coming home from work now and that's crap.


We tried to make our letter as kind and appreciative as possible, but she wrote us back with an angry letter which ended by saying that what we are doing is "bullshit and unfair."


Yeah, so apparently letting her live here for almost a year absolutely free while she DOESN'T look for a job or another place to stay is bullshit and unfair.


GAWD my wife and I are such assholes, huh?


I'm sorry that we have a new baby on the way. I just want to have my house back. I want my family back. I just want to have this baby and live a normal life again. And I'm terribly sorry if that's not fair to you. But it's perfectly fair to me and my own and that is what I'm thinking about now.


Sorry.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week: Godfather of Gore Double Feature ...

Today we proudly present two early sixties splatter films from "The Godfather of Gore" Herschell Gordon Lewis.


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from wikipedia and bmoviecentral.com ...


"Blood Feast (also known as Egyptian Blood Feast and Feast of Flesh) is a 1963 American horror film directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis, often considered the first splatter film. It was produced by David F. Friedman. The screenplay was written by Alison Louise Downe, who had previously appeared in several of Lewis' other films. Lewis also wrote the film's score.




Popular with members of Lewis' small but loyal cult following, as well as by some B movie fans, Blood Feast is a low budget horror film about an insane Egyptian caterer who kills people so that he can include their body parts in his meals and perform sacrifices to his Egyptian goddess Ishtar (the deity in question is actually Babylonian). Blood Feast immediately became notorious for its explicit blood, gore and violence. Blood Feast is often cited erroneously as one of the first films to show people dying with their eyes open (earlier examples include D. W. Griffith's 1909 film The Country Doctor and the 1931 film The Public Enemy).


Mal Arnold plays deranged murderer Fuad Ramses, described by author Christopher Wayne Curry in his book A Taste of Blood: The Films Of Herschell Gordon Lewis as 'the original machete-wielding madman,' and the forerunner to similar characters in Friday the 13th and Halloween. Lewis said of the film, 'I've often referred to Blood Feast as a Walt Whitman poem. It's no good, but it was the first of its type.'




What's really funny about this film, is that the acting sucks and it was shot for only $24,500, but the low budget and the lack of acting talent made no difference whatsoever. The final result of Herschell Gordon Lewis' and David Friedman's efforts shone with a golden light and changed the genre forever. They had created a new phenomenon and broken new ground by bringing us the very first film that focused on real gore. The blood was in your face and all of the gore effects were not only highly realistic looking, but also highly shocking by the standards of the time. Even by today's standards, some of the effects still hold up really well.




Blood Feast is the first part of what the director's fans have dubbed 'The Blood Trilogy.' Rounding out the trilogy are the films Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964) and Color Me Blood Red (1965). After the third film, producer David F. Friedman said, 'I think that for now we're going to abandon making any more 'super blood and gore' movies, since so many of our contemporaries are launching similar productions, causing a risk that the market will quickly reach a saturation point.'"








... and now, time for part two.


Enjoy ...




"Two Thousand Maniacs! is a low budget 1964 splatter film directed and written by Herschell Gordon Lewis. It is the second part of what the director's fans have dubbed The Blood Trilogy, including Blood Feast (1963) and Color Me Blood Red (1965). The film has since become known as a classic of the drive-in theater era.

The film is known for its scenes of full color gore and torture, as well as for B-movie type direction and acting. The film and its director attracted a cult following, largely due to the over the top quality of the violence and the villains. The film starred 1963 Playboy Playmate Connie Mason. It was remade in 2005 as 2001 Maniacs, starring Robert Englund. The film's title song was written and sung by director Lewis. The movie would later inspire the name of the band 10,000 Maniacs.




The story of the film is inspired by the 1947 Lerner and Loewe musical Brigadoon. Six Yankee tourists are lured into the small southern town of Pleasant Valley by the redneck citizens to be the guests of honor for the centennial celebration of the day Union troops destroyed the town. The tourists are separated and forced to participate in various sick games which lead to their gory deaths.


Jerome Eden, who played John Miller in this film, actually appeared in all three of Herschell Gordon Lewis' Blood Trilogy films. In Blood Feast he had an uncredited role as the high priest and in Color Me Blood Red he played a character named Rolf. He also appeared in several other films from Herschell Gordon Lewis and/or David F. Friedman including The Defilers (1965), Bell, Bare and Beautiful (1963) and Daughter of the Sun (1962). In addition to his on screen role in Two Thousand Maniacs!, Jerome also wore a second hat as the production manager.




During the Civil Rights Movement, television and mainstream narrative films opted for a less realistic depiction of redneck than the televised news of the era. Films that tried to comment on the issue of race relations were commercial failures. However, Herschell Gordon Lewis’ plotline in Two Thousdand Maniacs! focuses on the ghost of a violent, vengeful Confederacy, and is aware of the region’s violent history and place in the anxiety of the rest of the United States. Although the film was released in 1964, in the midst of the Civil Rights movement, issues of race relations and segregation are never interrogated in the film. Despite the lack of African American characters, the racial element of the violent South does not lurk far beneath the surface. By returning to celebrate the centennial destruction of Pleasant Valley by Union troops, the redneck ghouls take part in ritualistic acts of revenge that is indicative of the South obstinate refusal of desegregation and Civil Rights in the 1960s. The film dictates the anxieties the rest of the nation held towards the South’s, and it’s white inhabitants, history of extra-legal violence, perceived primitivism, and unresolved regional conflict.


That's some smart-sounding shit right there.


Two Thousand Maniacs! was filmed in 15 days, early in 1964, in the town of St. Cloud, Florida. According to a contemporary report, the entire town participated in the film. Two Thousand Maniacs introduced drive-in theater audiences to the formulaic plot-line of southern gore films: northern outsiders who are stranded in the rural South are horrifically murdered by virulent, backwoods southerners. This subgenre of Grindhouse peaked with the release of the Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) ten years after 2000! Maniacs."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Random Candy

Almonds

Cereal

Very Little Else



Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Deed Is Done ...



For starters, check out my new glasses. I just got them yesterday. I'm excited about them. They're thick and brown and silly and cheap, just like me. So I've got that going for me.


I'm hoping that my new glasses really say "retro" and not "creepy child molester."


Well, the deed is done as far as "the talk" is concerned.


Sigh.


In the end, we were too pussy to sit her down and talk to her. We wrote her an e-mail. We didn't want to hurt her feelings or get her angry. We were too sensitive to do it face to face. But we knew we had to do it one way or another.


Now she's angry and pissed off and cussing us under her breath. We're the bad guys, as we knew we would be. I wish there were some other way to do this that didn't require bad blood and bitterness, but she hates us now despite the 11 months of free room and board and there's no way to change that.


I wish there were some way for her to realize that we need our house back, especially with our expected family largening. I mean, we have a freaking baby due in a few months but we can't really prepare for its arrival because we have a loud family of four living in the baby's room. So what are we supposed to do?


It's tense around the house now.


But it had to be done.


Also, it is less than 30 days to my birthday. March 22nd. I share my birthday with William Shatner.


FYI.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...

Found this for free. Never seen it before. Figured, what the hell, right?


Enjoy...




Yoinked from imdb, wikipedia, and nymag.com ...


"Ghost Rider is a 2007 superhero film written and directed by Mark Steven Johnson. Based on the character of the same name which appeared in Marvel Comics, the film stars Nicolas Cage as Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcyclist who gives up his soul to become a hellblazing demonic vigilante, to fight against power hungry Blackheart, the son of the devil himself.


Ghost Rider was commercially released in the United States on February 16, 2007. The film grossed $15,420,123 on its opening day, while earning $45,388,836 for its opening weekend. The film's total earnings were an impressive $228,738,393 of which $115,802,596 was from the United States.




When the motorcyclist Johnny Blaze finds that his father Barton Blaze has a terminal cancer, he accepts a pact with the Mephistopheles, giving his soul for the health of his beloved father. But the devil deceives him, and Barton dies in a motorcycle accident during an exhibition. Johnny leaves the carnival, his town, his friends and his girlfriend Roxanne. Years later Johnny Blaze becomes a famous motorcyclist, who risks his life in his shows, and he meets Roxanne again, now a TV reporter. However, Mephistopheles proposes Johnny to release his contract if he become the 'Ghost Rider' and defeat his evil son Blackheart, who wants to possess one thousand evil souls and transform hell on earth.


In May 2000 at the Cannes Film Festival, Marvel Comics announced an agreement with Crystal Sky Entertainment to film Ghost Rider with actor Jon Voight attached as a producer. Production was scheduled to start in early 2001 with a budget of $75 million. Actor Johnny Depp originally expressed interest in the lead role.




Instead of a 'hard drinking and smoking bad ass' Johnny Blaze, Nicolas Cage decided to give him more depth. 'I'm playing him more as someone who... made this deal and he's trying to avoid confronting it, anything he can do to keep it away from him.' Cage also explained that Blaze's stunt riding was a form of escape and a way to keep him connected to his deceased father, who taught him to ride. Cage rode a Buell motorcycle for Blaze's stunt cycle, and a heavily customized hardtail chopper named Grace which transforms into the 'Hell Cycle.' The Hell Cycle's wheels, made of pure flames in the comics, were changed to be solid tires covered in flames in order to give the motorcycle more weight onscreen.


Ghost Rider's skull flames were designed to become smaller and blue to display any emotion other than rage. The film's visual effects supervisor, Kevin Mack, and the visual effects team at Sony Pictures Imageworks handled the difficult task of creating computer-generated fire on a shot-by-shot basis. Ghost Rider's voice was manipulated by sound designer Dane Davis, who won an Academy Award for Sound Editing for The Matrix. Davis filtered Cage's line readings through three different kinds of animal growls that were played backwards and covered separate frequencies. Davis then amplified the dialogue through a mechanical volumizer. Director Johnson described the sound as a 'deep, demonic, mechanical lion's roar.'




In mid-July, Nicolas Cage finally signed on to make a new Ghost Rider film. The sequel, entitled Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, started filming in November 2010 and will be released on February 17, 2012. Nicolas Cage will be reprising his role as Johnny Blaze and will now also portray Johnny Blaze in his Ghost Rider form. Crank filmmakers Neveldine Taylor will direct.


There are legal reasons this movie had to happen: If Columbia isn't in production on a Ghost Rider sequel by November 14, 2010, the franchise automatically reverts to Marvel — which means the comic-book company's new owner, Disney. And that’s not okay with Sony. Hence, an imminent deal with Hyde Park Entertainment, which would sell the right to distribute Ghost Rider abroad."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Popcorn

Coffee

Chips

Ginger Ale

Old Chips

Teriyaki Roasted Seaweed

My Wife's Boobs

Loud Screaming Children




AND NOW Steve Galindo and this blog are pleased to bring you today's Church-less Movie Of The Week absolutely FREE!


But a few rules first. There's absolutely no talking in Steve's Theater-talkers will be spit upon. No cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Enjoy the show y'all!


Click here to watch Ghost Rider right now!

Trying To Have "The Talk" ...



That's a picture of my oldest daughter.


Seriously, how beautiful is she, right? I mean, I may have to scar up her face one night while she's sleeping to make sure she's not TOO pretty when she gets older. She's so gorgeous I'm worried about what might happen when she gets into her teen years. I'll be beating boys away from her with a stick.


Hell, fuck a stick. I'll use a 2x4 wrapped in barbed wire. On fire!


I watch wrestling, so I'll know to have the GOOD weapons!


So anyway, I have literally spent the last three days trying to finish writing this one blog post. It's been hard for me to finish it. So bear with me here. I don't want to sound like the bad guy. I swear I'm innocent here.


Now, my lovely wife has already mentioned this at length on her own personal blog, so I can therefore assume that today's topic is okay fort me to mention here. However, due to the sensitive nature of said topic, don't be surprised if this post suddenly disappears in a few days.


Are you ready?


Then let's do this.


Tom Petty: Don't Come around Here No More




For the last ten months my "other" wife Lees and her three incredibly loud and rambunctious kids have been living with us. That's almost a year. That's a long time.


Now, I originally agreed to her living with us for two reasons.


First, I had just been through a nasty robbery at my work and was starting to develop serious issues as a result of them. I thought that having someone else in the house, someone fresh and new, might help me with my deteriorating mental state. My wife's cousin stayed with us for a number of months a number of years back and it was really refreshing and a delight to have her around.


Secondly, I was under the impression that it would only be a temporary thing where her and her kids would live with us for a couple of months and that while she looked for a job and a new place to stay that she would help us out with rent and bills and such.


Lord knows we need the help.




Now it's almost been a year and she is still here. She has not found a job or any place to live. She has burrowed herself here in our home and as far as I can tell she has no intention of ever leaving.


I should preface that. She DOES intend to move to Seminole, Oklahoma in May with my wife's family. My wife's parents decided that they would run away from their problems in California and move to Middle Of Nowhere, Oklahoma. You know wwhy they did that? Because "GOD" told them to.


Yeah.


You know what God told US, my wife and I? He said "You don't have to follow those other weirdos. You're fine right here. Screw them."


Lees is apparently going to go with them, which is fine by me. My wife's family hates us anyway. Natasha's mom and dad and brothers, they all just hate us and badmouth us and they like to think that we're both these horrible people that owe them so much. And they're right in the sense that we owe them so much. But, jesus, you don't have to be such a fucking dick about it.


Anyway, Lees is moving in May. But she said the same thing in December and it fell thru. And chances are they are going to fall thru again. And again. And again. And guess what? WE HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY! MY parents are happy about that. Natasha's family doesn't give a rat's ass and thinks we're assholes and now they want us to pay them back the money we owe them. AND they want us to put up with another big ass family in OUR house being loud and rude and inconsiderate to us.


Well, it's MY house! OUR house! And we have a baby on the way. So we need to reset our lives. Everyone fucking OUT! No more toxicity and drama and arguing and anger and bullshit! WE WANT OUR LIVES BACK!


Dennis Leary: Asshole


We plan on having "the talk" with Lees sometime soon. We want to give her three weeks. We want our lives back.


My wife told her parents about our plans. It was to warn them, give them a heads up. But now we believe that Natasha's parents told Lees and now she is treating us mean and rudely and even turning Deinna, our niece in Oklahoma, against us.


We don't want to kick her out, but we have a baby on the way and we need our house back. And we also know that kicking her out is just going to be another reason for my wife's family to hate us and throw stones and treat us like bad people.


But we have to do this. We have to!


At least that's what we keep telling ourselves.


Bowling For Soup: Life After Lisa

Monday, February 14, 2011

Work Fear ...

The following post is a work of "fiction" and is in no way related to any people living or dead or to any major corporation.


Almost one year ago I was in a robbery at work. I almost died and got a nasty case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of it.


Before the robbery I was working with a store manager who, it was common knowledge, had a personal vendetta against me and made my life a living hell for two years.


And now that time has passed and things are completely different at work, I know that I have nothing to be afraid of anymore.


But I can't stop being afraid at work. It's starting to affect my work. And what's worse is that the people at work don't seem to care.




I think it's important to state that it's not JUST the robbery. I mean, don't get me wrong. That's a major part of it. I had a gun pointed to my head. I could have died. I risked my life for this store and even though a whole year has passed it still frightens me.


Another thing that frightens me about being here is the whole paranoia issue when it comes to management. I mean, I know that the current managerial situation does NOT have it out for me. I know that. But I spent about two years working under a regime that found every possible reason to get me in trouble, to write me up, to cut me down and make me want to quit. I'm normally a fairly paranoid individual, but what happens when your paranoid delusions become real and they really ARE out to get you?


Right now it's early monday afternoon, Valentine''s Day, and I'm sitting in the break room of my work taking a breathing treatment and blogging while watching Rob Van Dam wrestle "Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero in a ladder match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship in a Raw match from 2002.


Eddie Guerrero: Latino Heat


It's a comfortable situation and I seem calm and cool and collected, but there are butterflies in my stomach because of how deeply afraid I am to simply be here. I don't want to clock in. I don't want to spend eight hours here. I'm afraid. I am deeply afraid. And I don't know why but all I know is that deep down inside I want nothing more than to just go home and cry.


So what do I do?


I could transfer to another store, but I really don't want that long of a commute every morning. Besides, I've worked my ass off to be who I am at this store and I really don't want to have to start over.


I could quit, but my family depends on the $13.50 an hour that I bring in. Besides, what other job could I get that would be so understanding of me and my craziness and my mental and physical issues? I have a great thing going here at this job and I don't want to give it up. Besides, even though I don't really go out or have any friends, the people I work with are as close to friends as I may ever have. And most of them would stab me in the back at a moment's notice.




Starting next month I will finally have a second job. I will be in business for myself doing kids birthday parties. I will basically be doing my crazy weekly storytime thing but inside people's homes.


I don't think that it will be something big enough for me to quit my bookstore job.


But we'll see.


Wind Clan out.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...

I believe this may very well be the first dedication here for one of my Sunday church-Less movies, but I would like to dedicate this film to my friend Jen and her twins. They will NOT be born conjoined, which is a shame because then they could have toured the world.


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia god ...


"Chained for Life is a 1951 exploitation film featuring the famous conjoined ('Siamese') Hilton Twins, Daisy and Violet. It features several vaudeville acts, including juggler Whitey Roberts, a man doing bicycle stunts, and a man who plays the William Tell Overture at breakneck speed on an accordion.


The movie incorporates aspects of the twins' real life, including their singing act, a futile attempt by one sister to obtain a marriage license, and a publicity-stunt marriage.




The Hilton sisters toured first in England at the age of three as 'The United Twins.' Mary Hilton took them to a tour through Germany, Australia and to the USA. In the true sideshow manner, their performance was accompanied with an imaginative 'history.' Their controllers kept all the money the sisters earned. In 1926 Bob Hope formed an act called the Dancemedians with the Hilton Sisters, who had a tap dancing routine.


When Mary died in Birmingham, Alabama, her daughter and her husband took over. They kept the twins from public view for a while and trained them in jazz music. They lived in a mansion in San Antonio, Texas until the early 1930s. In 1931, the sisters gathered enough courage to sue their managers, gaining $100,000 in damages—and independence. They left the sideshows and went into vaudeville as The Hilton Sisters' Revue. Daisy dyed her hair blonde and they began to wear different outfits so they could be told apart. They had numerous affairs, failed attempts to get a marriage license and a couple of short marriages.




In 1932, the twins appeared as themselves in the movie Freaks. In 1951 they starred in Chained for Life, an exploitation film loosely based on their lives. In 1997, a Broadway musical loosely based on the sisters' lives, Side Show, with lyrics by Bill Russell and music by Henry Krieger, received four Tony nominations.


In Chained For Life, the twins' voices are featured in three duets, including 'Every Hour of Every Day' and 'Love Thief.. The movie was directed by Harry L. Fraser, who directed over 80 films between 1925 and 1951, including the 1934 John Wayne film Randy Rides Alone and the Frank Buck cliffhanger serial Jungle Menace."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Asthma Meds

Cheddar and Sour Cream Chips

Goldfish (cracker, not animal)



AND NOW Steve Galindo and this blog are pleased to bring you today's Church-less Movie Of The Weel absolutely FREE! Please, though, a few rules first. There's absolutely no talking in Steve's Theater and talkers WILL be spit upon roghly. No cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Oh, and remember ...




I absolutely love that video. It brings me back to Arizona summers.


And as always, enjoy the show y'all!



Saturday, February 12, 2011

And Nobody Cared ...

I started having a mild asthma attack late tuesday after work. I blew it off. After all, I am the king of all asthma, so I didn't think too much of it.


Wednesday was my day off and my asthma attack continued. I started worrying, but I just figured that it will disappear eventually. I still didn't want to make it into a big issue.


I woke up on thursday at 5am. I could barely breathe. My breaths were shallow and rough. Plus, to make matters worse, I had a severe intestinal pain that caused me to double over like Quasimodo. I took two breathing treatments and popped some asthma pills my doctor gave me, but nothing worked. So I called in sick, got the kids off to school, and then went straight to the hospital.


There were a couple of things wrong with me, but basically if I hadn't gone to the doctors and gotten the shot of steroids in my ass then my throat and lungs would have contracted and I could have died.


So I had thursday and friday off to try and gain some strength back.


I went back to [edited] today and nobody cared.


Nobody.


I do my best, try my hardest, and nobody cares.


Hmmmm... It's almost as if certain powers that be don't want me to have recognition, don't WANT me to succeed.


Isn't that interesting?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

This Blog Is FCU, It's ICU ...

IT'S FCU, IT'S ICU! IT'S FCU, IT'S ICU! IT'S FCU, IT'S ICU! IT'S FCU, IT'S ICU!




I use that phrase a lot on this blog. And I thought that, for those not in the know, I should post the meaning behind it.


It is a New York sports chant, usually centered around ultimate frisbee playing, that originated somewhere in the nineties. It stand for, or translates into, "It's full contact ultimate or it's intensive care unit."


I learned it and adopted it from a show called Cheap Seats.


The show was on ESPN Classics for four seasons and they basically took the dumb, stupid, crappy ass things that ESPN has covered over the years (Spelling bees? Dog olympics? Lawnmower racing? Corporation CEO's and managers facing off in potato sack racing?) and they Mystery Science Theater-ed the crap out of them.


Cheap Seats was and still is what I believed to be the funniest show ever to appear on television. But, since it was hidden on a station that very few people have or go to for comedy shows, the show crashed and burned.


In this clip Ken Dobbins is the deeply obsessive captain of a New York ultimate frisbee team. Last year they made it to the finals and lost and now it's the next year and he's looking for revenge by berating his team ("THIS IS NOT A GAME, IT'S YOUR LIFE!!!") and obsessing over throwing a freakinng FRISBEE!!!


Enjoy ...




Remember, people, THIS IS NOT A BLOG, IT'S YOUR LIFE!


And it's fcu, it's icu!

Random Nuggets Of Steve ...

I really don't feel like writing a big huge thing today, so instead of that here are some small chicken mcnuggets of wisdom and various random whatnots from my twisted bipolar brain ...





-I have a friend who is pregnant with twins and is thinking about getting an abortion. I told her she should keep the baby, not because I think having twins is like capturing an extremely rare pokemon.


-I got into a huge argument with Evan, one of the kids that lives with us, this afternoon. His argument can easily be boiled down to this quote: "No, Uncle Steef! There IS a Wall-E 2! My dad has it! He has all the movies ever! You just haven't seen it!" I wanted to smack him.


-I feel really bad for Evan. He holds his dad in such high esteem. His dad is "allegedly" great at video games and funny and amazing and king of the freaking world. Well, if he's so great then where the f is he?


-THIS poster is what this sunday's Church-less Movie will be ...




-So I finished reading the Jonathan Lethem essay dissecting John Carpenter's "They Live" and he spends a good deal of space discussing the character credited as Drifter. He is the homeless man in the beginning who is later seen rich and well-to-do because he somehow and for some reason sold out to the aliens. He's an interesting character in that he is an incidental character with a backstory we are never allowed to see. Who is this homeless person? How did her get to be that way? Why is he now rich? How did he "sell out" to them? What would an alien race want with him? And since he escapes, what does he do afterwards? A quote Lethem said regarding this really moved me. He said that "If Shakespeare had written The Lord of the Rings, its title would be Gollum." Amazing.


-The [edited] that I [edited] at doesn't carry dvds except for a supremely small random assortment of movies. One of those movies that we carry is "Eat Pray Love" which I guess makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that apparently the dvd comes with "The Director's Cut." What? Why? I thought director's cuts were for horror movies and award-winning "films," not fluffy popcorn women menstruating movies. That movie is the cinematic equivalent of a Bath and Body Works gift certificate. What, it's not like anyone out there really wants to see the filmmaker's "original vision" like it was originally named "Eat Molest Pray Hitler Love" and Julia Roberts is killings jews or something.


-Look, I'm really sorry that I went off so much just now. it's just that the idea of a "director's cut" of a movie that fluffy is just extremely stupid to me.




-My asthma has gotten bad. Well, that's a lie. It was ALREADY pretty damn bad. It's just that now they're even BAD-IER. I've been pretty much connected to y breathing machine lately and I don't know how I'll ever spend a full day at work without dying. Yeah. It's THAT bad. I'm worried that if it doesn't get better soon, like NOW, then in a few days I may be headed to the emergency room.


-So I absolutely worshiped Weird Al when I was young. I owned all of his albums (Yes, actual ALBUMS) and I'd listen to them on my Fisher-Price record player alone in my room and memorize every song. To this day it annoys my wife that I have to come up with funny and stupid and in most cases highly offensive parodies of the songs that we hear. She hates it that I'm CONSTANTLY doing it, although, to be fair, my version of Cee-Lo's "Fuck You," which goes "I see you drivin' 'round town and you got a cold and I'm like BLESS YOU!" is pure comedy GOLD!


-Anyway, what's funny is that my brother really started getting into music in junior high, especially metal, and he would always make fun of me for my lack of musical knowledge (What the hell do you expect? I was in fifth freaking grade, man?) and my love of Weird Al. He would ask me, joking around with his friends, who my favorite band was and I would say Weird Al. They would all just laugh at me. My brother would say "That is so lame! What, are you going to love Weird All all your life? Are you going to be thirty years old and STILL listening to Weird Al?"


... well guess what, Joe Galindo, you punk ass bitch?




-HA HA HA, so fucking Eat It, Jose!


-I miss The White Stripes. And The Format. And The Groovie Ghoulies. And Invader Zim. And Sifl and Olly. And I'm still dealing with the cancellation of ESPN Classic's show Cheap Seats, the funniest show no one else ever watched.


-And remember the next time you need to buy shoes that the founder of Adidas, Adolf Dassler, was a Nazi and his brother Rudolf Dassler, who was also a Nazi, founded Puma. And Nike, of course, plays starving 12-year-olds a nickle to make their shoes in horrible working conditions in hideous third world countries.




That's it.


See you later.


Wind Clan out!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Late Night Beatings ...

It is past eight at night and yet my "other" wife's kids are still jumping around in their room and screaming and throwing stuff and banging against the wall and generally causing quite a ruckus. Lees, which is the name I've given her, has four kids, three of which they live with us. They have never really had a stable environment like we have here. They are used to being kicked around from home to home and friend to buddy to lover to whatever. They can be extremely cute and extremely rude and they do not like listening to adults and they don't like following rules and they DEFINITELY do NOT like going to bed.


I feel like I'm being really mean but all I'm saying here is the truth.


Their bedtime is 7pm. And It's 8:39 now. This means that Lees is going to go in there, hand raised and guns blazing. This means that the nightly beatings are about to commence.


When she goes in there and smacks them for not listening, it reminds me of the movie The Midnight Meat Train and I debate the idea and importance of a sort of necessary evil that is bad but exists for the greater good. I mean, sure beating kids is bad. We can all agree on that. But what if the kids getting beaten actually deserve it? What if that is the only way that they know that the shit going down is serious and that they should listen? What if, due to their repeatedly unstable living environments, they respond not to calm suggestions but to anger and yelling and, indeed, violence.


Anyway, the ritualistic Late Night Beatings have now begun.


All glory to hypnotoad.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Here's The Thing ...

You said you loved me and that you will always love me. You said you missed me. You said you wanted me back in your life.


And I got excited about it because I loved and missed you, too. I dreamed about touching your skin and kissing you. And you told me we should meet, go out, catch up, get coffee and chat.


But, see, here's the thing ...


In between the love remembrances we shared, you said that you wished I would have waited for you, that I should have waited for you to make up your mind, that if only I had waited then we both would be happier and better off.


I waited for you for over a year! I sacrificed my friends and my family and even my LIFE, quite literally in this case, to be with you! I broke up a marriage, got into a fight, got drunk, almost died, and got fucking arrested, all so that I could be with you!


And you repaid me by breaking my heart and leaving me for someone else.


And you did that to me five times.


Don't you dare say that I didn't wait for you. Because I did. I laid out my life for you and gave everything I had to you.


It's not my fault that you didn't want my heart.


I did wait.


I did.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Family Reactions ...

When my wife and I found out that we were pregnant and intended on keeping the baby we decided to wait to make sure that we didn't fall victim to another miscarriage. But I think one of the real reasons that we sat on the news was that we both didn't want to have to tell anybody. We didn't know how people were going to take it, so we both froze up when it came to telling people, especially our parents.


My wife was fairly certain that her family would take it well. In fact, we actually thought that upon hearing the news of our expected arrival that they would throw away their small town living in Nowhere, Oklahoma and come back to live in the empty house next to us that they used to live in. We figured they'd throw everything away and be with us again.


I didn't want to tell my parents at all. I was afraid they would get angry at us, at me. I thought they would get angry, argue with me, and I could almost hear my mom crying and saying that we couldn't afford a child and that we were stupid to have another one.


We were both wrong.


In fact, it was the other way around.




Natasha's parents didn't really seem to care. Her mom just got depressed and bitter and her dad didn't really seem to care too much. Her two brothers were either careless or jealous. In fact, one of her brothers and his wife are constantly taunting my wife over the phone and on facebook that we won't have a boy because THEY are going to have the first boy, not US. They're rubbing it in our faces, taunting us in a very rude way. That mixed with everyone else's reaction has left us feeling very sour towards their overall reaction.


MY parents, however, cried tears of joy. "I'm walking on air!" my father kept saying. And now they're looking for places to live near us so that they can retire near us and the new baby.


Our parents reactions were reversed.


So suck it, Burkitts!

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week: Half-Assed Edition ...

In a little bit I'm going to my friend's house to have a cookout and watch the Super Bowl commercials.


So, honestly, I'm not really trying that hard for today's movie. Sorry. I'm just being honest. Honesty is the cornerstone of any bloglationship.


Enjoy...




Yoinked from imdb, amazon, and wikipedia...


"The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra was an independent film spoofing 1950s era B-movies and was featured as a Church-Less Movie of the Week last year on this blog. Larry Blamire acted in and directed the film, wrote its screenplay and provided the voice of the Skeleton. The film was videotaped on a budget of less than USD $100,000, and converted to black and white film in post-production.


The sequel, The Lost Skeleton Returns Again, was filmed in March 2008, again written and directed by Blamire, and featuring virtually all of the original cast (though three actors whose characters were killed in the original are back in different roles), as well as several actors who appeared in Blamire's subsequent Trail of the Screaming Forehead. However, unlike the first film, it does not repeat the 'ultra-cheap independent' feel, but is intended to look more like a studio B-picture from the same era, such as those produced by Sam Katzman or Edward Small. It had its world premiere at the Mill Valley Film Festival October 4, 2008 and its Los Angeles premiere November 9 at the Egyptian Theatre. The film began its theatrical run at the Coolidge Corner in Boston on May 21, 2010, and was released on DVD by Shout! Factory on August 17, 2010, as was another Blamire film, Dark and Stormy Night.




Jerranium 90. A little rock that made all the papers. Only what did not make the papers is that the main source of this newly discovered element is buried deep within the Amazon. And everybody wants it, including crooked importer Handscomb Draile, slimy Gondreau Slykes, cheap crook Carl Traeger and evil scientist Dr. Ellamy Royne. So when Reet Pappin is sent on a mission, vital to national security, to find Dr. Paul Armstrong, now a bitter alcoholic disenchanted with science, he may have his work cut out for him! Especially when joined by Armstrong's loyal wife Betty and the mind control susceptible twin brother of Dr. Roger Fleming, who is carrying a familiar sinister skull belonging to none other than the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra himself!


As the parties converge in the dreaded Valley of the Monsters, other familiar faces begin to pop up, as well as a variety of monsters and an ancient race known as the Cantaloupe People, led by their haughty queen, Chinfa. Who will get what they want? And who will not get it?




The film is a silly send up of the Jungle action movies of the '50s and its a great send up too. Most of you favorite characters are back from the first movie and a few new ones show up for even more craziness. Jennifer Blaire shows up again as Animala, the sexy animial hybrid. Ms Blaire is a hoot as the sexy alien. Of course, the movie would not be complete with out the Skeleton. He is pretty much only a skull in this movie, but his lines are perfect.


Not every one is going to get some of the sly humor in this movie. Some of the gags only fans of 50 sci fi movies are going to get. But everyone will enjoy the antics of the cast. The Queen of the Cantaloupe People's Dance is worth the price of the DVD. Larry Blamire's direction and writing are spot on. The Black and White look of the film is perfect for this kind of send up and Blamire uses it perfectly."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Cereal

Chips

Ice Cream

Love




Watch today's film for free right now!