NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week...



Yoinked from wikipedia, imdb, filmsquish.com, like television, horrornews.net and filmjabber.com ...


"Phenomena is a 1985 Italian horror film directed by Dario Argento. An edited version of the film was released in the United States under the title Creepers. The title was changed to Creepers because it was decided most Americans can’t pronounce Phenomena.


Legendary horror director Argento made the film between Tenebrae (1982) and Opera (1987), but it’s more like his earlier classic horror film Suspiria (1977). Now, there may be almost thirty minutes missing from the American version, but it’s not as if you’d notice. I hope you have your sick bucket ready is what I'm saying here.




Jennifer Connelly stars as a young American school girl (she was 15 when she made the movie) named Jennifer Corvino, who is the daughter of a famous actor and off in Switzerland attending the Richard Wagner School for Girls. But oh my, not all is well at the school - there's a psychopathic killer on the loose. Weirder still, Jennifer Connelly has a knack for telepathically communicating with insects.


And the script... What script? At times during the movie it feels like Argento said, 'You. Do something that completely defies human nature and we'll keep it.' The logic eluded you scene after scene. Perhaps that is why people see this as one of the director's worst films.




This was Argento's first film to be shot in English, although only the scenes of Connelly and Pleasance together were shot sync sound. The film was released in the summer of 1985 to American theaters and drive-ins from New Line Cinema. Most of the Italian and other non-English speaking actors/actresses actually dubbed their own voices into English for the USA and UK distribution. Jennifer Connelly had part of her finger bitten off by the chimpanzee in the final scene at the end of the film. She was rushed to the hospital and the finger was re-attached.


Aside from the fact that the main character can control bugs not unlike Carrie could control objects, the movie is a relatively straightforward horror movie. Someone has been killing young women (and decapitating them), and young Jennifer Connelly believes that with the help of her insect friends, she can find the killer.




Overall, the film is surprisingly decent, if not rather cheesy, and the plot filled with countless twists and turns. The end really gores it up. The film is filled with lots of bloody FX and folks, this one is creepy, scary and just plain out there."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

More Coffee

Pills

More Pills

Cereal

Teriyaki Beef Jerky

Bag Of Chips

Kiwi Strawberry Fruit Juice

Asthma Medication Aftertaste

Porn




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE! But first lets go over a few ground rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in this or any of our 1 Galindo Theater locations. Any and all talkers will be vomited upon mercilessly. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Enjoy the show y'all!



LikeTelevision Watch Movies and TV Shows

The Jesus/George Washington "Myth" ...



So we went to church last sunday for Easter. It had been a while since we went and everybody greeted us like old friends. It was fairly pleasant, primarily because, unlike other days we have spent there, church didn't last half the freaking day.


The church's pastor is a good old boy from the south who met his wife, a former prostitute, while stationed in Vietnam. And sometimes the things that fly out of his mouth are absolutely freaking insane.


Here are some quotes I wrote down.


I took notes.


"Jeshush proved what he claimed. No other beliefs have proof. Jeshush backed it up!"


"This Bible is 100% accurate! This Bible is proof!"


Yeah. The Bible is 100% accurate, even the crap that the church made up to control the populace with their bullshit.


And here is the one that absolutely kills me ...


"If you can believe that George Warshingtun existed, if you can believe that Genghis Khan existed, when we have no proof, when there is so little PROOF that they even EXISTED, then you can believe in Jeshush!"




There you go.


George Washington is a myth. He never happened. We have no proof.


Thanks, God!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Sacramento Zoo Today ...

I asked for the day off so that I could go with Isabela on her class field trip to the zoo.


It reminded me of this ...




So today should be fun. Imma get my ZOO on, bitches!


But lets not forget that I'm going with my daughter and her strict Christian school, so be sure and wish me luck.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Her First Lost Tooth ...



No Leesa in this house. No loud, screaming kids. No drama.


I'm this close to having a normal life.


If only half the the people at [edited] didn't hate me, then I'd have a perfect life.


I'm almost there.

This Weekend's Movie ...



Well MY plans are ruined.


I had planned on showing the hideously bad Troll 2 this weekend, but fucking hulu stopped playing it and I can't seem to find it anywhere else for free online.


So no Nilbog. Sorry.


King Diamond: Welcome Home


But I'll be sure to make it up to you. I don't know what the hell I'll show instead but whatever it is I'll be sure it's something awesome.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week...



Yoinked from imdb, Film Threat, sexgoremutants.co.uk, movie-holder.com and this awesome article from my favorite website, cracked.com ...


"Süpermen Dönüyor, also known as Supermen Return, The Return of Superman or simply Turkish Superman, is a 1979 Turkish film where, like Turkish Star Wars and Turkish Star Trek, the Turkish were quick to cash in on the global success of Richard Donner's SUPERMAN film, and produced their own cheap re-imagining of the classic superhero tale.


It’s fortunate for these Turkish filmmakers that Superman’s outfit is so simple and cheesy because they were able to perfectly duplicate it. Finally, they got something right.




After a mysterious prologue in a Christmas tree ornaments-filled starscape, Turkish Clark Kent, here named Tayfun, is told by his parents that he is an Alien from space and that he must leave to accomplish his destiny. They give him a green gem which he takes into a nearby cave. There, Jor-El, minus half of his front teeth, appears and reveals to Clark that he is Superman.


The opening scene is amazing. The narrator speaks breathlessly, plastic stars and Christmas tree baubles (doubling up as planets) dangle from thin strings in front of a black velvet backdrop. This is the universe, Turkish cinema-style!




I gotta note that this Superman seems to be a lot meaner than the one portrayed by Christopher Reeve. This Superman backhands and uppercuts people as if he were in a ragin’ bar brawl. He even winds up killing two people. Turkish superman is no goody goody like the American one. He knows what x-ray vision is supposed to be used for, for looking at panties! The flying scenes are funny, because you can tell he’s just hanging from a ceiling, with footage rolling on the wall behind him. Nice.


Popular movie soundtracks were used the complete the score: Some Superman (1978)'s main themes (by John Williams) and some scores from the 60's James Bond's movies (including the James Bond Theme composed by Monty Norman).




From the laugh-out-loud ineptitude of the pre-credits opening, to the crazy melodramatic music that peppers the film, SUPERMEN DONUYOR is Z-grade exploitation filmmaking at it's most irresistible. Sure its 23 minutes in before Superman gets to act the hero, and for a 68-minute film that feels a little too long to wait. But elsewhere the flimsy sets, amateur FX work (you won't believe a man can fly …), lurid colour photography and bewildered 'acting' all complement the childlike script perfectly, making this a turd that's impossible not to love. It even boasts a villain who cradles a cat in one arm while continually stroking it with his free hand, as he plots to take over the world. Classic!"


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

More Coffee

Twinkies

Popcorn

Doritos

Trident Layers

Roasted Teriyaki Seaweed (Don't Knock It til You Try It)




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE!


As I said a few days ago, today's film is only an hour long, so I've made an amazing playlist so that the film is littered with cool grindhouse previews, cartoons, commercials, an intermission, a special sneak peek at NEXT week's bad movie(s), and even a little bit of Disney-approved Nazi propaganda. It's all a pretty sweet show and I'm deeply proud of it.


But first lets go over a few ground rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in this or any of our 1 convenient Galindo Theater locations. Any and all talkers will be shat upon recklessly. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Oh, and remember... it's fcu, it's icu.


Enjoy the show y'all!




Happy Easter and stuff.


Wind Clan out.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Galindo Family Barely Survives Chuck-E-Cheese ...

Chuck-E-Cheese has somehow went from family fun to dirty ghetto hell on earth...





Man pistol-whipped at Chuck E. Cheese

6 Arrested in Brawl at Matteson Chuck E. Cheese


...but somehow we managed to survive the chaos.


Chuck-E-Cheese is the new Walmart. That is so freaking sad. Seriously, every Chuck-E-Cheese now needs an American Embassy inside it so that normal people like me can have someplace safe to hide from the madness.


So here are the pics...









It's a BOY!!!



And as you can see, my wife circled my baby son's penis. Yay. Fetus penis.


Wow. That's my new band name.


Fetuspenis. All one word.


See, I was going to talk about my soon to be baby boy but now I'm completely distracted by the awesomesauce band name I just now came up with. I can grow out a little mexi-mullet and I can grow out my mustache so that it hangs in that dusty metal white boy sort of way.


Shit! See, NOW I have to google image search that mustache...




THAT's the mustache that I'm talking about. A sort of redneck rocker My Name Is Earl sort of mustache.


Anyway, our baby boy...


And did you know there's an actual American Mustache Institute? No bull, they just gave out their 2010 Mustached American of the Year award a few months ago. That is awesome! I haven't been this excited about something stupid since I saw that awesome documentary about air guitar!


Sorry. The boy. Back to the boy.


I learned about this whole thing early yesterday but, because I was not with my family as they learned the sex of the baby, I didn't think, given where I was at the time, that I had anyone that I could share the news with. So I called my parents, left them a message, then I texted my therapist. That's a pretty sad list of people to share this with, but there you go.


I want to name this child Edward Maxwell Galindo. That's Edward after Ed Wood. However, my wife wants to call him Maxwell Edward Galindo after a dream she had where we named our son after the hammer wielding murderer song by The Beatles. So the two main decisions are between a transvestite and a british murderer.


Wouldn't that be crazy if the rumors were true and Paul really WAS dead? How crazy would that be? A band so huge that they keep the death of a major band member a secret and call in someone else to PRETEND to be him?


Wow.


Screenplay idea right there. I am on a roll.




Ok. Back to the name.


My father, however, has his own name idea. He is trying to stress to me how important it is to have a son named after you and wants me to call him Steve Galindo JUNIOR. He says it's a pride thing. But all THAT does is make me feel like my older brother, who was named after my dad, got all the pride and all the perks from my dad. Does that make sense?


Anyway, the big strike against my name choice is that our two youngest kids will be Edward and Bela, the two lovebirds from Twilight. And that sucks. But the way I see it we will also have an Ed and a Bela. We can dress Ed in womens clothes and we can get little five year old Isabela hooked on morphine with a demerol chaser. How awesome is that?


I am deeply frightened about having a boy. I SAID I wanted a boy out loud to everyone, but what I really wanted deep down inside was a girl. I've already dealt with two girls. I know what to do and what to expect with a girl. But a boy? What the hell do I do with one of THOSE? I don't know what to do. I'm frightened.


And that's that.


Anyway...


Fetuspenis.


I still can't get over that.


I'm going to have a whole outfit made of denim and I'm going to rock ass all hardcore fantastic awesomesauce. It's going to be epic how hard we are going to rock.




That's my fuckin' metal face right there.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

This Weekend ...



I absolutely cannot WAIT for this weekend's Church-less Movie Of The Week because TODAY we are ONCE AGAIN delving deep into the world of Turkey for yet another badly done copyright-breaking Turkish movie.


And if, like me, you cannot wait, then here is a link to one of the LAST times we showed a bad Turkish movie...


Turkish Star Wars


It's going to be good stuff this weekend. The film is only an hour long, so I've made an amazing playlist with bad grindhouse previews, cartoons, commercials, a sneak peek at NEXT week's bad movie, and even some Disney-approved Nazi propaganda.


It's going to be a big fat bucket of awesomesauce.




Wind Clan out.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Dog Fiasco ...

So our four dogs (two small, one medium, and one large sized dog) go make their peeps and poops in what was once my in-law's and is now an empty house. Theirs is an expansive backyard and it includes a number of large trees and a massive wooden shed that could almost be another room in and of itself.


And apparently the dogs (And I blame the smaller ones here) have been digging a hole under the shed, probably so that they could have a cool place to hide when it gets hot outside.


And apparently my big, fat, stupid dog Jelly decided to try and crawl UNDER the shed and got her dumb mutt ass STUCK under there today.


Yeah.


Here's the picture ...





Don't worry. She got out on her own.


Eventually.


Stupid dog.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Plaids Go Galindo ...

Forever Plaid by San Francisco with the whole fasmily.

Em playing in the backyard before leaving.



Bela in the car waiting.



Driving over the bridge.





The war against pigeons begins NOW!





It is deeply sad how few sea lions there are on the pier nowadays. Sigh.



Ride.



The historic Fox theater, the NEW home of Broadway By The Bay.



The kids loved it!



Bela and her slightly too big shirt.



Great play. Amazing time.