NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Monster In My Throat ...

So THIS is what is in my throat...




Nasty, right?


Most people at my place of employment love making fun of me because of how I constantly seem to cough and sniff and clear my throat. Some people like to say that they always know when I'm around because they can hear my constant noises.


Well, apparently there's two reasons why this is happening so much...


REASON 1) I have sinus problems and severe allergies which is causing yucky sinus crap to drip down into my throat, where it meets ...


REASON 2) My newest malady, acid reflux! What's happening is that nasty acid and bile is rising from my stomach and going into my throat, where it is mixing with all the nasal crap to create this hideously evil throat monster that wants me and my brown throat destroyed!




I have some meds they put me on, but they only work so much. The med that seems to work the best is this nasty tasting syrup that has an insane amount of codeine in it and makes me hopped up Charlie Sheen style and I can't go to work hopped up on the sizzyrup, now, can I? No.


What I'm trying to tell you is that my throat sucks ass.


I'm worried that this whole throat thing is merely a new version of my hives scare back when we were pregnant with Bela. Perhaps my evil throat monster is just a way for my body to say
OH SHIT WE'RE HAVING A BOY! AAAAAAGH!!!


Anyway, my throat sucks ass right now, when I'm not hopped up on the sizzyrup.


FML.


Laters.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...

This year, like all the other years, we were planning on taking a road trip to Dixon's annual Pinball-a-Go-Go convention and have a day of family pin pinballing it up.


Sadly, it was not in our family budget this year.


I believe I may have cried.


But this amazing film almost makes up for it.


Enjoy...




Yoinked from pinball news, the film's official web page, and the almighty wikipedia ...


"Special When Lit is a feature length documentary film about pinball written and directed by Brett Sullivan. The film is produced by Steam Motion and Sound.


Special When Lit rediscovers the lure of a lost pop icon - pinball. This American invention made more money than Hollywood through the 50s and 60s. Its success swept the world making it the epitome of 'cool'. Today pinball is all but forgotten. This is the award winning story of the rise and fall of pinball as told by the fans, collectors, designers and champion players from across the globe.




Now pinball is virtually nowhere. Kids don't even know what a pinball machine is. People stay home for their entertainment and kids hang out online, not at the arcade or corner store. The fate of pinball seems decided yet there exists a passionate sub culture keeping the dream alive. Whether it's down at their local bar for a game, or choosing which game to play from a basement collection, pinball is a reality trip to a universe in a box. The ball is wild and can't be controlled, but the challenge to tame it never stops. It's a world that's special when lit.


Special When Lit is the work of Brett Sullivan, Clayton Jacobsen and Emily Rickard from post-production house Steam Motion & Sound who visited countless pinball shows and tournaments to get a true feel for the way collectors, competitors and industry insiders feel about pinball.




Chicago Sun-Times called the film 'a significant flick in a lineup that runs the gamut from light to heavy religious to political'. Raindance Film Festival director Elliot Grove wrote that its director, Brett Sullivan, was able to bring out a certain nostalgia in his film that was both intriguing and fascinating, with its interviews like 'an emotional and sensitive area, with pinball’s fans describing of the game like a relationship, their faces lighting up as if they were recounting their first kiss.' He found the winning film to be 'encapsulating and absorbing.'


The movie mixes numerous interviews shot specially for the documentary with selected archive footage to illustrate how pinball's fortunes have risen and fallen over the years. There is no commentary track. The entire story is told by the interviewees and supported by the library material.




At a time where we can instantly access any song or movie from our past, pinball offers a throwback to an experience that can't be digitally reproduced. Special When Lit captures the passion for a game that inspired generations. But it also recounts the loss of a certain way of living and playing. Perhaps pinball deserves a better fate than simply a nostalgic footnote. Whatever the future, Special When Lit will leave you searching for an arcade to line up your coins to master the silver ball. Will the machine always win?"




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Popcorn

Fruit Snacks

More Coffee

Numerous Small Bags Of Chips

Internet Porn




... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE!


But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed. Any and all talkers will be murdered Sweeney Todd-style. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!



Friday, May 27, 2011

Therapy Cat Has A Surprise For You ...



Hello.


I am Therapy Cat. I'm the stray kitten who lives in the bushes near Steve's therapist's office. I am a cute cat and very nice.


So anyway, Steve is having some serious throat problems and he has this medicine now that he has to take... and it's got a crapton of codeine in it. So Steve's higher than a motherfucker right now and he's currently unable to coherently write a blog post. So here I am.


So...


Don't really know what to say.


Meow and stuff, I guess.


Anyhoo, I thought I'd just play you guys a handful of random cool, strange songs that Steve likes at the moment. See, I know what songs he likes because I know a lot about him. I'm Therapy Cat.


Enjoy...


The Novocaines: Cup of Coffee

The Phenomenauts: Hot Patootie (Bless My Soul)

Joe Esposito: You're The Best (Teen Wolf Montage Music)

James Brown: Sex Machine

John Lennon: God

The Fat Boys: Wipeout

Jim's Big Ego: Cut Off Your Head

Herb Alpert: Casino Royale Theme

Ruth's Hat: Super Heroes


That's that. I'll see you guys later. Don't worry. I'm sure Steve will snap out of his "haze" eventually. And for the record I did NOT just use finger quotes there. I used paw quotes. So there.


I DO know that Steve's gonna show some kick ass pinball movie this sunday on his blog here, so-o-o-o there's that for what it's worth.


Anyway, see you guys later.


Meow.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My Wife's Action Shots ...

So I did my work marathon and now I have two days off. One of those days will require some serious lawn mowing, but other than that I'm hoping to clear my head of all the excess negativity and restart myself somehow.


So we went roller skating. Obviously.


And at sometime today my wife's phone updated itself itself and now it can take "action shots" like this one ...




Pretty amazing stuff, right?


By the way, I am STILL the Arizona Regional Roller Skating Champion at the Great Skate in Glendale! HELL YEAH!


I might post a movie tonight. Or tomorrow.


So stay tuned.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Today Sucks ...



I usually don't have to work on sundays. I usually request them off so that I can spend the day watching bad movies and downing obscene amounts of coffee.


But today I work. I am cashiering for eight hours instead of being at home watching Mickey Hargitay pretent he can act in today's Church-less Movie of the Week.


Not only that but I am currently in the middle of a 6-day work marathon so that I can have wednesday off for an all day roller skating party with my daughter's school and thursday off for my youngest daughter's graduation from kindergarten.


Eyes on the prize. That's what my dad would say. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize.


Here are some more awesome ads...







Wish me luck today.


I may need it.

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from wikipedia, eccentric cinema, imdb, and coolcinematrash.com along with my own personal bad movie knowledge...


"Bloody Pit of Horror (Original Italian title: Il Boia Scarlatto/also known as 'A Tale of Torture') is a 1965 Italian gothic horror film based on the writings of Marquis de Sade and directed by Massimo Pupillo. The film, set in Italy, stars Mickey Hargitay, Walter Brandi, Luisa Baratto and Rita Klein, and tells the story of a group of women modeling for a photo shoot for the cover of novels, when the owner of the castle starts to become The Crimson Executioner, who is bent on their deaths.


The star of the film, Mickey Hargitay, is known for his marriage to Jayne Mansfield, and as the father of Law and Order actress Mariska Hargitay.


Today's film 'claims' to be based on the writings of the Marquis De Sade, but something tells me that today's story is 'BASED' (with finger quotes) on his writings as much as all those crappy sixties movies were 'BASED' on Edgar Allen Poe stories, you know?




Featuring perhaps the goofiest villain in film history, today's movie is Italian horror kitsch with a strange sort of kick. Former professional muscleman and occasional B-movie 'actor' Mickey Hargitay gives a delightfully delirious, thoroughly over-the-top performance as the Crimson Executioner, a sadistic torturer of people he judges sordid or lecherous. Aided and abetted by a gonzo music soundtrack, bad dubbing and a gaggle of scantily-clad Eurobabes, the Crimson Executioner is one of the most memorable — not to mention unintentionally hilarious — bad guys to ever chew scenery on the silver screen.




Bloody Pit of Horror begins with a flashback of a red-hooded criminal being led to his death. Helpful narration explains that the aptly named Crimson Executioner '…took life not from any sense of justice, but from hatred and self gratification.' As the prisoner is being strapped into one of his own torture devices he loudly proclaims, 'I'll return and be avenged!'


Seriously, the iron maiden looks like it was constructed for a grade school play. The coffin shaped prop is clearly made of painted plywood and its deadly spikes are unmistakably rubber that look anything but sharp. Still, when they close the door he screams in agony and the camera pans down to reveal blood oozing out the bottom. A clock ticks away the years as our narrator chimes in with this helpful piece of voice-over, 'Your castle will stand throughout the centuries as a reminder of the barbarism and cruelty committed within its walls.'




Bloody Pit of Horror (trailer)


Flash forward to a photographer and his models arriving outside the castle doors. The abandoned castle looks to be the perfect spot to shoot their pulp fiction book covers. Kinojo, the exotic one, has an eerie premonition, 'There's something evil about this castle. I'm sure of it.'


Bloody Pit of Horror, which was refused a UK cinema certificate in 1967 for extreme scenes of violence, is sometimes kinky and at times weird but always hilarious. However, don't dive into this flick looking for tons o' skin and/or gore; it's strictly PG-rated stuff nowadays. While tame by today's standards, the escapades of the Crimson Executioner should still provide a bloody good time for those who enjoy bizarre B-movie schlock. The film is an homage to bodybuilding and masochism and italian bad movies and it shouldn't be missed!"




... and now ONCE AGAIN Steve and this blog are both PROUD to present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE!


A few ground rules first, though. There's absolutely no talking in Steve's Theater and all talkers will be fondled mercilessly by seven underweight ginger midgets wearing sombreros and fake mustaches while a one eyed albino man watches. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. And please dispose of trash in its proper receptacle.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Enjoy the show, y'all!


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Even More Screensaver Pictures ...

Yup. It's another awesome screen saver post. Buckle up.


So, in case you are new, I have previously mentioned on my blog about the screen saver that I have set up if a massive photo album of pictures on my computer. It's a collection of movie posters and personal pictures and perverted randoms and strange artwork and cleavage and my own random madness.


Because I constantly find myself adding to it in my spare time, I currently have well over 5,000 pictures in that folder. Sometimes just looking at it makes me feel better, too. It makes me feel home.


So, so here are some more of my crazy screen saver pics ...