NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

About The Mother-In-Law ...

Still no computer for the Steve, so I am once again forced to get my blog fix from the handheld device located in my top secret fortified government bunker twenty miles below the surface of the earth where I retreat to sometimes to plot my revenge against the society that once shunned me.

Yeah, I have a top secret lair. Whatever. It's no biggie.

My wife and kids and I are all doing good, surviving family life in this shathole of a 9:00pm town. My wife is 33 weeks preggers with little Maxwell Edward Galindo. But the boy seems to be growing at a massive Bert I. Gordon sort of a way, because apparently the little fetal bratski is now growing SIX WEEKS AHEAD of where he should be!

We are giving birth to an Andre the Giant. My very own baby T?or Johnson!

THANK WOOD that monster isn't being yanked out of MY vag, right?

So my mother-in-law arrived two days ago. She is going to be living with us from now until maybe the end of September or the beginning of October. She now lives with the rest of my wife's crazy ass family in Nowhere, Oklahoma and we pulled a few strings to get her here so that she could be there for us during this pregnancy.

I am a bit worried though about this. For starters, I already see Nanah being the alpha mom of the house and harping poor pregnant Tasha like the child she used to be. Also, having Nanah in our house makes the whole family feel much easier about forgetting me. It's easier for me to be quiet now and that sucks. And what about my offensive brand of humor? How can I continue making gay jokes and blaming the jews for all of societies ills if Nanah is quietly knitting on the couch?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

A Sunday Outside ...

So still no computer. Lame. I'm currently blogging from my wife's smart phone. My phone is old and retarded, so blogging on it is out of the question. By the way, if anyone out there has a Windows 7 startup disk that they can lend to my plight then I would be very much obliged.


I have spent most of today outside. It is a hot 90-degrees outside and I take to the sun like a duck to water, our ducks actually swimming next to me as I write this. I do not think that I want to "tan" (with finger quotes) so much as I have this desperate desire to get darker. I see pictures of myself as a child and I look as dark as a native american because when I was younger I was spending most of my time outside playing alone and getting dark as hell. I want that back, therefore here I am outside.


But as much as this outside time with my family is good and even healthy, I really do miss my computer, though. I miss my bad movies. I miss my internet life.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Reading Kick Continues ...

This is Steve again, blogging from my sound-proof bunker located in an undisclosed location twenty miles below the surface of the earth. My computer at home is still all crapskies and we are unsure as to when we will be zble to get that fixed. That hurts because I have some amazing state fair pictures to share with everyone. Oh well.

Sigh.

My reading kick is still in full steam ahead. I finished reading Shock Value, which was awesome, and now I'm knee-deep in Sarah Vowell's newest book "Unfamiliar Fishes" which I sincerely hope is better than her previous book which was a lengthy look at the speeches of early puritans. YAWN. The one I'm reading now has blood and wars and some fairly crazy characters, so I am pretty excited.

Well, that's that. Wish me luck.

Wind clan out.

Monday, July 18, 2011

More Downtime, Sadly ...

Our computer is on the fritz yet again. It refuses to get to the log on screen and a system restore refuses to work. So I find myself sitting down on the couch and blogging with a wii remote and the television, which takes such an incredibly long amount of time it's justabsolute madness!


I think I would be more upset about this were it not for the fact that I am on the BIGGEST reading kick right now! Seriously, take a gander at the "Books I've Read" part of the right hand side of this blog to see just a few of the amazing books I have read recently. I am on literary fire over here, which makes my latest loss of a computer a lot more bearable.


The only thing that really sucks is that I never got to see last sunday's movie.


Oh well. Right now I'm over halfway done with this incredible book called "Shock Value" about the rise of horror movies in the seventies. It seems to have been made JUST for me right now.


Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you notice a lack of posts around here lately then its not my fault.


But don't cry for me, my invisible friends, for I am lost in a literary wonderland!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

I'm really high on a mst3k kick, so here's a classic episode I've actually never seen. Shocking, I know.


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from wikipedia and the mst3k wiki ...


"Parts: The Clonus Horror, also known as Clonus, is a 1979 science fiction horror film about an isolated community in a remote desert area, where clones are bred to serve as a source of replacement organs for the wealthy and powerful. It was produced by Walter Fiveson and Myrl Schreibman, directed by Robert Fiveson, and stars Dick Sargent as the laboratory director and Peter Graves as a corrupt politician. The production cost of the movie was $257,000.


The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the film has been released by Rhino Home Video as part of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Volume 12 DVD set. The set features an exclusive interview with director Robert Fiveson.




In the film, a small cadre of Olympic-caliber athletes is raised in an isolated compound that looks like a cross between a holiday resort fortress and a modern-day sports camp for Aryan youth. Drilled, trained, fed, and intellectually numbed into a state of blissful ignorance and eager obedience, they are adult orphans under paternal care and bred for one purpose only: parts for organ harvest.


[insert sinister music here]


This is considered one of the best later season episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.





The big-budget 2005 DreamWorks production The Island, also about a colony that breeds clones to harvest organs for the elite, mirrors Clonus in a number of ways. The makers of Clonus filed suit, claiming copyright infringement. On August 25, 2006, the court presiding over this case ruled that it could proceed to trial.


According to a 2007 interview with Clonus screenwriter Bob Sullivan, DreamWorks and Clonus Associates reached a settlement, the specific terms of which are sealed.


This pretty much means DreamWorks was guilty, so ha."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Cereal

Popcorn

Animal Crackers

Small Lunch Bags Of Chips

Internet Porn




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE!


But lets go over a few rules first. There's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and talkers WILL be spat upon the buttocks. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No open flames. Dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


This Blog Post Is Purely Hypothetical ...



Today at a bookstore that will remain nameless, a massively popular author who will remain nameless will be doing a signing. This particular bookstore, of whom I have no affiliation, mind you, is expecting well over one thousand angry, elderly christian people to swarm into the store today. In fact, if one were to open at 7am that day at the store one would no doubt be prepared to see a few hundred crazies already waiting by the doors.


Now, say one were to be starting their own company of sorts and, having shown exceptional skills with the art of story telling, has decided to start doing birthday parties for a few extra dollars now and then. And let us also say that said person also worked at a place where one could buy books and it was in fact the bookstore expecting the mass influx of people from my previous utterance.


This is all purely hypothetical, by the way.


I'm just saying that I really do feel for and pity the young bookseller we created in today's hypothetical story. If I were to have a massive day at work followed by a massive birthday event, which I of course do not, then I would want to cut myself and then shoot myself in the head.


Have a good day, everybody!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

It's State Fair Day ...



The California State Fair opens TODAY! YAAAAAAY!


And, as those hardcore fans of this blog will no doubt know, my family and I just lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ove the state fair ...










... a-a-a-a-a-and lets not forget the accidental 2010 California State Fair air guitar champion! I was extremely lucky to capture this on film! In front of a mediocre band at a small concert at the state fair last year, this little girl just decided to get right in front of the stage and just rock the fuck out in front of 200 or so strangers!


She's my hero.




So today's the day the state fair opens. My brother and I used to LOVE going to the Arizona State Fair. We'd go all the time! Now here I am older and wiser and now I'm taking my own kids to the fair and, just like my father before me used to do, I'm making absolutely sure to FORCE THE FUCK out of my kids to go and see EVERY FUCKING EXHIBIT and EVERY GODDAMNED COUNTY EXHIBIT before having ANY FUN!


HA!


Laters!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Even More Random Screen Saver Pictures ...

According to my stats, which are usually pathetic ass hell, two things are popular on this blog besides my free movies ... tits and my screen saver pictures.


I've posted a number of times about my photo album screen saver of awesome pictures. It's a collection of bad movie posters, personal pics, perverted randoms, strange lunacy, amazing cult movie posters, cleavage and a bunch of random madness.


And since I'm constantly adding to it, I currently have over 6,000 pictures! Flipping amazing!


So here are some more of my screen saver pics (with added tits and ass pics) ...



















Saturday, July 9, 2011

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Phibes Double Feature ...

Today we have a real treat, an amazing drive-in double feature featuring one of the coolest villains ever ...


Mad Tea Party: Dr Phibes


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from wikipedia, badmovies.org and the utterly strange eccentric-cinema.com ...


"The Abominable Dr. Phibes is a 1971 horror film starring Vincent Price. Its art deco sets, dark humor and performance by Price has made the film and its sequel Dr. Phibes Rises Again classics.


In this film, Vincent Price stars as the campy Dr. Phibes who is thought to be dead but is very much alive as well as pissed and now he's intent on destroying the people who may or may not have been responsible for his wife's death. The man is completely evil, but guess who you'll be cheering for during the whole film!




The first film is a clever, campy, thoroughly enjoyable horror thriller leavened with dark humor and droll British wit. Vincent Price is superb in a very difficult role here, one of the best and most unusual of his long career. The production design, too, is first-rate, especially in light of the film's modest budget. The art deco sets and almost haunting music are all amazing fabulous!


The murders, especially the ending, seem to be precursors to bolder films of the future like Seven and Saw. The film screams fun horror camp and at times the film almost seems to be losing its edge. Thankfully, the master Mr. Price is always there to save the film from the depths of crappiness.




Dr. Phibes Rises Again! (1972) was the second Dr. Phibes movie, a sequel to The Abominable Dr. Phibes. It was directed by Robert Fuest, and starred Vincent Price as Dr. Anton Phibes.


After three years of undisturbed rest, a conjunction causes the ghastly embalming process to be reversed. The blood removed from his system, that has been sitting at room temperature and must have settled out, flows back into his body. Amazingly Phibes sits back up and goes about himself as if waking from a long sleep. His primary goal now is the awakening of his dead wife, Victoria, and heads to Egypt to find a scroll that will awaken her from death.


Along the way he kills. A lot.




Vincent Price is not the only one back from the dead. Several actors, who were casualties in the first film, return in new parts. I mean, it's fine seeing Inspector Trout again, because he survived the last movie and is playing the same character. But I watched one of the actors die from having all the blood pumped out of his body in the last film! Am I just supposed to forget about that? And when did Ambrose give up being a Rabbi?


Several other possible sequels were planned, including Dr. Phibes in the Holy Land, The Brides of Phibes, The Son of Dr. Phibes, Phibes Resurrectus and The Seven Fates of Dr. Phibes, but none were made, which sucks.


The producers also tried to interest NBC in a Phibes TV series which would've recast the bloodthirsty doctor as a benevolent crimefighter who uses his makeup and technological wizardry to ensnare criminals. That would have been awesome."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Popcorn

Fruit Snacks

Old Random Chips

Thrifty Ice Cream

Teriyaki Roasted Seaweed

Gross Ass Asthma Medicine




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present an awesome double feature - two full length movies entirety FOR FREE, including previews, intermission cartoons, and a whole bunch of awesome craziness because that's how awesome I am!


But lets go over a few rules first. There's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and talkers WILL be left flummoxed. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. Please dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!





NOTE: the embedded playlist cuts off near the middle of the second film. It continues on the direct playlist site on youtube.

My Girls Can SWIM!!!

My two absolutely darling daughters, Emerald and Isabela, can finally SWIM! And they can do it on their OWN! And in the deep end! And with no floaties or life vests or anything!


I am so freaking PROUD of them!


They still can't believe the fact that I was taught how to swim by my mom who somehow taught me to swim while not being able to swim herself. Crazy. My parents are crazy.


So I have pictures that I took from our last few excursions that I totally want to gush over. Be warned, however, that a few of the pictures MAY look like my girls are drowning. Sorry. They didn't drown. They didn't drown too much.


I am SUCH a proud ass dad!


Here ..











Friday, July 8, 2011

Fuzzy July 4th Pictures (And A Hardcore Hip-Hop Song) ...








... and here's the new hit single from west coast rap legend Early Bedtyme ...



Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Make-Up Edition ...

To make up for my lack of posts lately, here is a semi-rerun from over a year ago. I originally showed it as part of a double feature but now here it is all on its own. It's pretty darn good, too.


Enjoy!




Yoinked from the wiki gods, Video Dead movie blog and my boys at 1000misspenthours.com ...


"The Snow Creature is a 1954 black-and-white sci-fi monster movie produced and directed by W. Lee Wilder, and written by Myles Wilder. It stars Paul Langtonand and Leslie Denison as members of a scientific expedition to the Himalaya's that encounter and capture a Yeti. The creature is then brought back to the U.S., only to escape and run havoc in Los Angeles. It's the east coast King Kong, only strange and boring and without talent.


Director W. Lee Wilder was the same talentless clod who gave us Killers from Space and The Man Without a Body, and The Snow Creature is every bit as shabby and lackluster as either of those turkeys. The movie has been released on DVD in numerous bargain basement versions and is now considered a cult classic.




The movie has two acts, the first taking place in the exotic locale of the Himalayas and the second occurring in Los Angeles, California. While the first act takes place in an undisclosed Himalayan country (presumably bordering India) the actors portraying the locals speak Japanese for some reason. Whatever, freaking Japs.


So The Snow Creature was the first of several 'Yeti/Abominable Snowman' themed movies. It also bore some strong resemblance to King Kong, in terms of plot, with act-one in an exotic setting and act-two taking place in an urban setting. The monster is captured in the first act and is brought to the urban setting in the second act, only to be set loose -seeking out a habitat similar to its home (in this case, the snow creature runs to the sewers of L.A.). Finally, both films feature a monster that is drawn to women.


Beyond the singularly tacky monster suit (it’s nothing but a bunch of cheap furs sewn haphazardly together), the excessive reliance on voice-over to propel the story, and a cast that deservedly spent most of its respective careers playing characters with names like Farmer, Policeman, and Japanese Ambassador, The Snow Creature suffers from the deadliest of all shortcomings... it’s fairly boring.


Apart from the specific nature of the monster, there’s nothing here you won’t have seen done better a hundred times already, and even its one distinctive selling point, the Yeti, was done better several times in subsequent years. But I guess it gets points for being the first.




This film is supposed to be the world's first abominable snowman flick. It's probably also one of the world's worst snowman flicks. Everything from the crappy costume (just a tall guy in a furry suit that kind of looks like footy pajamas with his face clearly visible) to the slow pacing (you see the same scene of people climbing a mountain over and over until you drift softly to sleep) to the stupid KING KONG rip-off plot.


Anyway, it's a bad movie and you'll have fun watching it. So watch."



Thursday, July 7, 2011

I'm Gonna Level With You ...



The main reason why I haven't been doing too much posting on this blog lately is because my wife has been spending rather a lot of time using our sole computer to work on her on-line business (which you should check out!!!) and blog and work on her crops on freaking farmville. And I can't really tell her to knock it off and let me on the internet because, hell, she's 30 weeks pregnant, which pretty much makes me oblivious to her pregnant whims. I can't tell my pregnant wife to stop her crap and let me on the computer, for fetuses' sake. What she wants she gets and I'm just reading my books and staying the hell out of her way.


I have a free movie to share, as well as a number of reviews of the INSANE amount of books I've been rocking through, but those will have to wait until a different time.


I have tomorrow off.


Maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Today's Movie ...



... will NOT be seen today.


I'm just not getting a lot of sleep lately, plus I had a bunch of nightmares last night, so I just don't seem to have the strength to set up a big picture today.


Sorry.


I'll make it up to you some day.