NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Blog Hating ...



Ok. Listen up.


I am having a really hard time with my life and I am really starting to hate this blog.


See, I am incredibly broke and my family and I are pobably going to be kicked out of our house. So I am currently seeking out possible work transfers to Oklahoma, Arizona, Texas and pretty much anywhere that will have me. My daughters are being pulled out of their private school so that we can homeschool them. We haven't made it public at work or anything yet because technically nothing is official yet but it's just too damn hard for us to live here in Hellifornia. It's too hard on me and my family. I want to stay, but we'll probably have to go.


So in about eight weeks we will probably be giving up this expensive California life for hay barrels in Oklahoma. I don't particularly WANT to move there but it will be good for the family and I will gladly sacrifice my own happiness for what is best for my family.


This is the absolute HARDEST thing I have ever had to do.


The last thing I need right now are anonymous assholes trashing me on my blog.


So FUCK YOU!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Not Official Yet ...

I should probably point out that the move and the work transfer and everything is all 100% UNOFFICIAL right now. There are places to look into and papers to sign and numbers to check and a bajillion other things to do before this thing becomes official, bajillion being my favorite number.


But I can tell you with an amazingly high level of certainty that by the time 2012 rolls around I will no longer be living in the state of confusion that is California.


Good riddance, you bastard!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Never Felt Like This Before ...



I am a fairly simple man.


I like to eat the same foods and drive the same way to work and watch the same things on tv. I like repetition. It comforts me, makes me feel safe.


That's the key word. Safe.


I have built a comfortable bubble around myself and it's a lonely bubble that I have spent nine years constructing, a bubble that has been just fine for me and my introverted, lonely lifestyle. I'm happy being lonely and friendless as long as I get to be lonely with my wife and kids.


What I'm trying to say here is that I've been living nine years hiding my head inside a turtle shell. It's been fine for me because in my mind I've always thought that change is different and different is bad. And that's no way to live.


Fuck all that.


I just want to throw out everything I own, set fire to my clothes, shave my face, and leave this craptaco of a city forever, star a new life somewhere else, it doesn't matter WHERE, as long as it's different, as long as it's not HERE.


I want a change.


Exciting. Breathing heavy.


I've never felt like this before.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Failure Of My Talent ...

Now that I have a newborn son in my hands I have been thinking a lot about my life and what went wrong.


Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I am happiny married to a nice, funny, big breasted woman, and we now have three amazing kids together. I have a job that I've somehow managed to hold for over eleven years now. And as far as my health is concerned I'm actually not doing that bad, surprisingly. My life, in and of itself, is by all means pretty darn good.


The BAD parts of my life, however, are pretty darn bad. We are extremely broke and we're having a hard time trying to afford our lives here. Sacramento is a rough city to live in. The cost of living is just way too high here. They keep raising our rent and the amount of houses around ours that are empty and forclosed is extremely sad. Our neighborhood keeps getting worse and worse. Things just keep piling up, bills and problems and drama and worries. We don't know if we can afford to keep living in our house or to have our kids in the private school that they love. I feel socially neutered. I feel lost and I just don't know what to do with myself.


I feel like a failure.


I would easily be a part of the Occupy Wall Street movement if I thought holding up a sign at a bank and shouting would actually change anything.


So I have been doing a whole lot of thinking here. The way that I see it is that there was a really bad thing that happened when I was younger and that if this hadn'd had happened then I think my life would be a lot better today than it really is. It's a pain, a failure, and a regret and not a day has gone by renently where I have not paused to think about it.


When I was in third grade our grade had a poetry reading. We were each given a poen and were told to memorize it so that we could read it aloud on stage at an event for our families and parents. Most kids were scared shitless. Some developed major stuttering problems. Some cried. And a few children weren't scared but could barely be heard, reading their poems with all the passion of a robotic "text-to-speech" function.


I seemed to be the only kid who wasn't scared and who saw this as a chance to act. I never really acted before and I always thought that acting wasn't that hard of a thing to do. You just pretend to be somebody else. How hard can that be? So I got up on stage and turned in an amazing performance. Everyone was amazed. I was such a shy kid but when it came to being on the stage I could always turn it on.


Ever since I was in third grade I was told I would grow up to be famous. And that is the WORST thing you could EVER do to a child!


I quickly started acting, mainly because I was pretty good at it and because the people around me, not my parents as much as the adults, the grown ups, the teachers, and all the others around me sort of LED me there because of my previous affinities in the area. And the more I acted the more I was always rewarded with a long list of teachers and adults all saying the same things: a number of speeches that all boiled down to different versions of the same thing. "Oh, Steve, you are going to be a star when you grow up! You are going to be rich and famous and on tv and in movies and I'm going to tell everyone I knew you way back when!"


I grew up acting, doing stand up, did a movie or two, acted in a number of plays, and I did everything I could do that could lead me to what I thought would be an eventuality to me. I was regularly told that I was extremely special and that I would end up being famous when I was older. Even when I was older and broke I still subconsciously believed that eventually things would turn around for me and that eventually I would get some sort of big break that would lead to the things that I was destined for.


What I'm trying to say is that EVERY kid in the world isn't amazingly special and destined for greatness. And what a fucked up thing it is to tell a little third grader that they WILL grow up to be famous.


I am done waiting for things to happen to me. I am also done with this California world. I'm done. This place bores me. It's old and grey in my eyes.


So It looks like we're moving. Probably. Maybe definitely. I just don't see anything keeping my family and I here anymore. I mean, what's the point?


Does anybody know about cheap places to live in Texas?


Or Arizona?


Or Oklahoma?


Or freaking ANYWHERE that's not here?

This Friday ...



So this Friday at my work we will be having an author event. And it's a pretty big one.


Ozzy Osbourne is coming to the store, MY store, this freaking Friday. And yes, it's THE Ozzy Osbourne, the godfather of metal, the prince of darkness, Black freaking Sabbath, Crazy Train, HIM! To MY store!


Now, in other news, the christian nutjob that said the world was going to end on May 21st is now saying that his "bible math"
Nwas wrong and that the rapture is actually going to happen on October 21st.


And October 21st is this Friday.


And who is coming to my store on Friday?


This CANNOT be a coincidence.


I believe the end of days will be happening at my store. Soon.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Woodmas Eve Feelings ...

I have tonight, then all of tomorrow, then I must leave the comfort of my family and go back to work.


Two things... one, I need to stress that anything written in this blog are the sole feelings and ideas of myself and are in no way related to any bookstore or major corporation. Sigh. And two, I need to stress that the following picture, as well as most of the pictures I have been posting lately, have been yoinked from my wife's cell phone. She gets pissy when I do that, so credit when credit's due




I feel afraid.


I don't know why, but I feel afraid to go back to work. I feel deeply frightened about it, the whole thought of it, really, of leaving this family and leaving this beautiful, amazing baby to go shelve books. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of leaving my newborn baby and I'm afraid of work, of the idea of work, and I worry that when I do finally go back there that no one at work will have missed me, that no one will care, that no one will give a rat's ass about me and that I'll just find myself getting in trouble again and again over nothing.


I'm just worried and nervous and altogether scared.


My son is asleep on my chest right now. He looks like an angel. He is sleeping while my gaggle of girls and women watch the movie Ever After: A Cinderella Story. I've got a Stephen King story next to me, cold pizza on the oven, a bag of popcorn on the desk and a fridge full of root beer.


So when I think of leaving all this just for a paycheck I get nervous and want to cry.


Happy Woodmas Eve, everybody.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from wikipedia and badmovies.org ...


"The Bat People, also known as It Lives By Night, is a 1974 film directed by Jerry Jameson and distributed by the now defunct American International Pictures corporation. The film centers around a doctor who undergoes an accelerating transformation into a hideous man-bat creature after being bitten by a bat in a cave.


The Bat People was makeup artist Stan Winston’s first full length feature. He would go on to win 3 Oscars for Best Effects: Jurassic Park, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Aliens. Stewart Moss (Dr. John Beck) and Marianne McAndrew (Cathy Beck) are married in real life.




A man and his wife take a cave tour and wander off the beaten path when a bat attacks and bites the husband on his forehead. Once they are rescued, the pair goes skiing for a few days, despite both of them voicing a concern about rabies. Dummies. It takes a pair of violent seizures (which are funny to watch) for the husband to turn into an ugly looking werebat.


The Bat People is also known by two alternate titles: It Lives By Night and It’s Alive. The film was featured in the final season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) on July 18, 1999."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Chips

Cold Pizza

Apples

Asthma Meds


... and we should mention that today's film is currently available in its original form via the Netflix on Demand service. However, this film is apparently supposed to be so bad that I don't know if you'd WANT to see this without Mike and the 'bots.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


Welcome To Hell ...

Steve here, just checking in. How are you? Me, I'm good.


So how are things?


I had some great time with my son this morning. We watched our first episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 together. He was awestruck with the opening credits but pretty much slept thru most of the rest. I don't mind, though, because it was the jaw-droppingly aweful spanish movie Santa Claus where Santa battles the devil. It's so bad that I could only WISH that I was asleep.


So our friend Jen had twins. Twin girls. Addison and Riley. Preemies. Cute. But Jen's babydaddy went nuts and left and now she's losing her magic baby powers as well as her sanity. To help her out we are taking care of the twins for the weekend. So that means that there's 200% more crying and screeching and dirty diapers in my small house this weekend. Yay me, right?


And that's not all, because in a little bit my whole fam will be going to hell. Oops, I meant to say we're going to Chuck-E-Cheese.


I will try to get online and post a free Church-less MOTW later tonight.


Going back to work this Tuesday.


Wish me luck. About everything.


Wind Clan out.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Fear ...



I HAVE THE FEAR.


That's what I call it. See, it's this feeling I get. I guess it's from my bipolar disorder. It is this unsubstantiated feeling I regularly get that tells me that everything is wrong, that there are bad things happening, that the fates are conspiring against me and the world hates me and that I am stupid and worthless and I should just curl up and die.


I call it "the fear" because that's what Hunter S. Thompson's attourney calls it in the movie Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. It's something concrete. It's tangable. It's like a sudden wave of emotional turbulence that suddenly sneaks its way into my head and, just like a small devil on the shoulder of a looney tunes character, tells me I'm horrible and nobody likes me and that I should commit suicide.


Thankfully, after years of medication and over a year of therapy, I can now consciously realize when the fear enters my head. Because of that I can dismiss these negative thoughts as simply bad chemicals in my brain and not really my own thoughts. I really don't want to kill myself. It's all fake. It's all just the fear again.


I'm reading Stephen King's Dark Tower Series for the first time. I'm on book one. Crazy amazing.


I'm trying to convince myself not to cut my arms open.


I don't think I'm winning.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Post #1,752: It's Just Another Sunday ...

It's just another sunday for me. No Jesus Christ, no mindless praying, no guilt being shoved up my ass. It's just another sunday for Steve.


So my wife and my newborn are asleep in the bedroom while my youngest and I party hard on the 50-mile couch watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail together. Pretty awesome.


I'm happy because the movie we're watching is in fact one of today's free Church-Less Movies Of The Week and I hardly ever get to watch any of these movies with someone else, let alone one of my own kids, let alone Isabela who just so happens to LOOOOVE all things Monty Python. So today is very special to me.


You may be wondering where my oldest daughter is. The answer is a simple and slightly depressing one. See, my mother-in-law decided to go to her usual church and this time bring my oldest daughter and her sleepover friend Shay-dawg with her.


... and you may know Shay-dawg as Shayla, the special guest from episode two of The Root Beer Show, America's greatest root beer reviewing webisode ...




Any chance to show off my internet show.


My wife usually goes with her mom to church and, occasionally, I have been known to go with the family to church but not to pray. I like going to church services because A) they're usually funny as hell, and B) it usually gives me a nice, quiet chance to write in my journal. Plus going with usually means that there is a 60 to 75% chance that we may get to go out to eat afterwards and going with usually puts me in the running.


So I usually go to church just to hang out and write and to listen to all the craziness that occasionally spouts from the preacher's mouth.


Did you know that Pastor, as I will now call him to save time, regularly says that there is more evidence of Jesus existing than there is evidence that George Washington was real? Yeah, the sumbitch actually said that!


Here's another one... did you know that Pastor once said that there is not one bit of proof that evolution is real?


Pastor also once said that the bible is 100% accurate and that thru science and thru math we know that Jesus was 100% real.


That's why I say I would rather stay at home and watch bad movies than go to a church that seems to be to be 300% stone cold crazy.


No offense.

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: And Now For Something Completely Double Feature ...

I still don't have a computer (sigh) so we probably wont be having MOTW every single sunday, but today it's a big fat double feature to make up for all the times past.


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia ...


"And Now for Something Completely Different is a film spin-off from the television comedy series Monty Python's Flying Circus featuring favorite sketches from the first two seasons. The title was used as a catchphrase in the television show.


The film, released in 1971, consists of 90 minutes of the best sketches seen in the first two series of the television show. The sketches were remade on film without an audience, and were intended for an American audience which had not yet seen the series. The announcer (John Cleese) uses the phrase 'and now for something completely different' several times during the film, in situations such as being roasted on a spit and lying on top of the desk in a small, pink bikini.




The film was the idea of entrepreneur Victor Lownes, head of Playboy UK, who convinced the group that a feature film would be the ideal way to introduce them to the US market and make them lots of money. Lownes acted as executive producer. Production of the film did not go entirely smoothly. Lownes tried to exert considerably more control over the group than they had been used to at the BBC. In particular, he objected so strongly to one character – 'Ken Shabby' – that the sketch was removed, leaving both Terry Jones and Michael Palin to complain much later that the vast majority of the film was "nothing more than jokes behind desks."


Another argument with Lownes occurred when Terry Gilliam designed the opening credits for the film. Presenting the names of the Pythons in blocks of stone, Lownes tried to insist that his name be displayed in a similar manner. Initially, Gilliam refused but eventually he was forced to give in. Gilliam then created a different style of credit for the Pythons so that in the final version of the film, Lownes's credit is the only one that appears in that way.




The budget of the film was considerably low for the time at only £80,000. This is self-reflexively acknowledged in the film's Killer Cars animation; the voiceover narration (done by Eric Idle) mentions 'a scene of such spectacular proportions that it could never in your life be seen in a low-budget film like this. You'll notice my mouth isn't moving, either.' The film was shot both on location in England and inside an abandoned dairy, rather than on a more costly soundstage. It was in fact so low that some effects which were done in the television series could not be done in the film.


When it was first made, this film failed to get a general release anywhere in the world. The success of clips of Python on Saturday Live in the US led to big box office success for The Holy Grail, and so this film was re-released to great success and all other subsequent Python ventures were very high profile."




AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!




Info once again yoinked from the wiki ...


"Monty Python and the Holy Grail is a 1974 British comedy film written and performed by the comedy group Monty Python (Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin), and directed by Gilliam and Jones. It was conceived during the gap between the third and fourth series of their popular BBC television programme Monty Python's Flying Circus.


In contrast to the group's first film, And Now for Something Completely Different, a compilation of sketches from the first two television series, Holy Grail was composed of new material, therefore considered the first 'proper' film by the group. It generally parodies the legend of King Arthur's quest to find the Holy Grail.


The film was a success on its initial release, and Idle used the film as the inspiration for the 2005 Tony Award-winning musical Spamalot. The film was nominated for the Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation in 1976, but lost to A Boy and His Dog.




The film was mostly shot on location in Scotland, particularly around Doune Castle, Glen Coe, and the privately owned Castle Stalker. The many castles seen throughout the film were either Doune Castle shot from different angles or cardboard models held up against the horizon. King Arthur was the only character whose chain mail armour was authentic. The 'armour' worn by his various knights was silver-painted wool, which absorbed moisture in the cold and wet conditions.


The film was co-directed by Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones, the first major project for both and the first project where any members of the Pythons were behind the camera. This proved to be troublesome on the set as Jones and Gilliam had different directing styles and it often was not clear who was in charge. The other Pythons evidently preferred Jones, who as an acting member of the group was focused more on performance, as opposed to Gilliam, whose visual sense they admired but whom they sometimes thought too fussy: on the DVD audio commentary, Cleese expresses irritation at a scene set in Castle Anthrax, where he says the focus was on technical aspects rather than comedy.




Originally the knight characters were going to ride real horses, but after it became clear that the film's small budget precluded real horses the Pythons decided that their characters would mime horse-riding while their porters trotted behind them banging coconut shells together. The joke was derived from the old-fashioned sound effect used by radio shows to convey the sound of hooves clattering. This was later referred to in the German release of the film, which translated the title as Die Ritter der Kokosnuß (The Knights of the Coconut).


In 2000, readers of Total Film magazine voted Monty Python and the Holy Grail the 5th greatest comedy film of all time. The next Monty Python film, Monty Python's Life of Brian, was ranked #1. A similar poll of Channel 4 viewers in 2005 placed Holy Grail in 6th (with Life of Brian again topping the list). A 2004 poll by the UK arm of Amazon and the Internet Movie Database named Monty Python and the Holy Grail as the best British picture of all time. In 2011, ABC aired a primetime special, Best in Film: The Greatest Movies of Our Time, that counted down the best films chosen by fans based on results of a poll conducted by ABC and People. Monty Python and the Holy Grail was selected as the #2 Best Comedy.


In the Star Trek: The Next Generation novel, Doomsday World, co-written by Peter David, Michael Jan Friedman, and Robert Greenberger, Geordi La Forge is sitting in a bar, the proprietor of which is described as knowing everything about anything. Geordi asks the bartender some obscure questions about the dimensions and climate about the planet they are on, which the bartender answers, immediately and correctly. Geordi then asks, 'What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?' to which the bartender replies, 'African or European?' Geordi is then forced to concede, muttering 'Damn, he's good.'"




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Chips

Salami

Popcorn

Porn