NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Post 1,791: An Okie New Year...

I an currently in a small town called Shawnee, Oklahoma at my brother-in-law's house for new years. His wife is here and my other brother-in-law is here as well. Right now the beer is flowing as we all take turns running away from giant sharks in Little Big Planet for the XBox 360.

I am deeply proud of myself and what I've accomplished. I used to be scared of change and now I am surrounded by family and making new friends in a completely different state.

Happy new year, everyone.

More later.

Wind clan out.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Watching Wrestling With Bela ...

So it is thursday night and Isabela and I are cuddling on the couch watching TNA Impact wrestling. Isabela and I are pretty hardcore WWE fans. Brla's favorite wrestler is Edge and I was at Wrestlemania 26, so yeah, we are pretty big WWE fans. We haven't had cable so we've never really gotten to see the "other" wrasslin' company.

Bela thinks it's ok, but she likes "the wwe's" better.

Yesterday my wife took me on a little ride around the town to see the sights of the town.

Three minutes later, we were done.

THAT is how small of a town this is.

We went to the local general store, an incredibly small store called Dollar General that reminded me of going to Goodwill as a toddler. Then we went to the local video store which was so small and dismal that I just wanted to cry. It was sad. And, just as I expected, there were wooden salloon doors in the back that protected the rest of the store from the evil "adult" section.

And the store was called "FAMILY Video!" Irony, right? What type of FAIL family video store has porn? Damn! How freaking stupid is that?

I threw together an impromptu storytime at work today. It had been so long that i've done s storytime that the whole wonderful experience left me feeling literally high.

More later ...

Monday, December 26, 2011

My Hand And Weird Al ...

So you remember that cut that I said I made into my hand with that old box cutter I found?


Well that's a picture of it.


I was fairly nervous today at work and it was just a nonstop barrage of people and angry customers and toothless Okies and apparently during all this post Christmas madness I managed to scratch my scar open.


Now it hurts and stings like a son of a bitch.


And you know what?


I love it.


I love it because I hate myself and I deserve to feel this pain. I just act funny and cocky to hide the fact that I just absolutely hate myself. And this pain on my hand is my punishment.


I hate myself for feeling like this about myself.


So THAT is why I am currently watching the awesome Weird Al comedy special on dvd to try and defuse my depressed anti-Steve feelings...




I don't think that it's working.


Cool shit, though. Funny as hell.


Seriously! I've seen him live four or five times now and each and every time it was absolutely amazing. I can't believe I loved him when I was like 8 and here I am watching him rock ass with my kids next to me, you know? Amazing stuff.


And did you know that his legendary cult film UHF was filmed entirely in Tulsa, Oklahoma?


I take that as fate.


Fuck the haters!


Mr. Steve can't be stopped!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Some Moving Pics ...










It's Christmas In Nowhere ...




It feels strangely sad to be here in the middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma with Natasha's loud, crazy, drama-filled family. It's so loud and angry and I feel like I am just being forgotten.


I feel sad.


I really miss my parents.




Right before we moved, while we were constantly doing packing and sleeping on the floor and whatever, I felt so stressed and sad and frenzied that I found a really old, rust-covered box cutter and slashed my left hand open.


It's been a little over a month since I did it and the scar is still dark and slightly throbbing.


It feels good to punish myself again.


Check out the sweet old glasses that my wife found for me ...




Cool, huh?


More later.


Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Some Random Thoughts And Free Christmas Music ...

-Sometimes this next picture reminds me of my life ...



-I am writing this during a very rainy day here in Seminole, the bleak boil on the butt of Oklahoma. There are days when I honestly don't know if I can stand living here. This place is so small and the people here seems so strange and primitive. I am used to big cities and now I'm stuck in some hick village in the middle of nowhere. But my wife says that she knows that I can do it and if she thinks that I can do it then I can. Or at least I think I can.


-Since Isabela and Maxwell were both born in September, that means that my wife and I got it ON in December. So my wife has put up a mandatory cock block this month, meaning NO sex for me. Not like I was getting any before that, but it just means that my brown balls are so blue that when I pee people mistake my testicular chicken tenders for Papa Smurf.




-So my youngest daughter and I are playing Marvel Super Hero Squad Online together. She WOULD play on her own but she gets confused and always needs help when it comes to video games, so I usually have to sweep in and help her, which becomes me playing a video game while she watches. But I really like this virtual superhero world. It's a really fun way for us to spend time together. And, quite frankly, I think that I may be having more geeky fun than she is playing this thing.


-Work is good. I have been working at my new store for about a week now. It's strange being there because I have over 11 years of bookselling experience, but the new store layout and the new customers makes me feel like a total noob. occasionally, though, someone will come up to me and ask me something and I will just KNOW exactly what they're looking for and exactly where it is. It's an exhilarating feeling to still have that "Mr. Steve" power that I was so worried that I lost. I'm still the man when it comes to working at a bookstore and I think it's only a matter of time until people REALLY start to notice.




-I was pleasantly surprised when I went to my new store and started meeting my fellow Okie employees. I expected something a lot more, well, racist I guess. I expected tall white men with army haircuts chewing Skoal Bandits and spitting and missing teeth and whatnot. I didn't expect a very nice Iranian guy and an older British woman to take me under their wing and help me learn the layout of the place. I also had a really sweet woman with pink hair and multiple facial piercings invite me to a Christmas party, so i guess you could say that I am finally starting to fit in. Yay for me!




-And, as promised in the title, here are some free Christmas music for your punk ass ...


Vince Guaraldi: Christmas Time Is Here (vocal version)

Death Cab For Cutie: Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

The Format: Holly Jolly Christmas

south Park: Dead Dead Dead

Eels: Christmas Is Going To The Dogs

Blackalicious: Toy Jackpot

Mystery Science Theater 3,000: Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas

Jack johnson: Someday At Christmas

Blazer Force: Electronic Santa Claus

Run DMC: Christmas In Hollis

Weezer: O Come All Ye Faithful


You're welcome.


Winc Clan out.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week ...

So I am here living in the middle of nowhere (AKA: Seminole, Oklahoma) and I am once again stuck with no computer.


Sigh.


But I'm borrowing my mother-in-laws to bring you this horrible Danish-American monster flick I bought for fifty cents at a Savers in Chandler, Arizona on my road trip here.


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia god and b-movie central...


"Reptilicus, a giant monster film about a fictional prehistoric reptile, is a Danish-American co-production, produced by American International Pictures and Saga Studios, and is upon close examination two distinctly different films helmed by two different directors.


The original version, which was shot in Danish was directed by Danish director Poul Bang and released in Denmark on February 25, 1961. The American version, which was in English with a nearly identical cast, was directed by the film's American producer-director Sidney W. Pink; this version was initially deemed virtually unreleasable by American International Pictures and had to be extensively reworked by the film's Danish-American screenwriter, Ib Melchior, before being finally released in America in 1962.




As this was a Danish monster flick and the Danish aren't know for their filmmaking greatness, I went into this movie not expecting too much. It was this lack of expectation that kept me from being too disappointed at what I did get. There's a lot of b-movie material here but not a whole lot of that b-movie goodness that goes with it. The only real bright spot in the movie is that Dr. Martens daughter Lise is very nice to look at and only gets better as the film goes on. Unfortunately, that's about where the good points end.


The monster animation was very bad and almost all of the monster scenes were out of focus just enough to be annoying. There were way too many tourist shots and way way too many scenes of people running for their lives. It gets repetitive and old really quick.


A novelization of the film was released in paperback at the time of its original release (Reptilicus by Dean Owen. In 1961, Charlton Comics produced a comic book based on the film. Reptilicus lasted two issues. After the copyright had lapsed, Charlton modified the creatures look and renamed it Reptisaurus. The series was now renamed Reptisaurus the Terrible and would continue from issue #3 before being cancelled with issue #8 in 1962. This was followed by a one-shot called Reptisaurus Special Edition in 1963."





Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Soda Pop

Potato Chip Shards

Ice Cream Bars

Various Nuts

Asthma Medication


... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE! Yeah. Sweet. That's how much I rock.


But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed in Galindo Theater locations. Any and all talkers will be abused via witty sarcasm. No cell phones or African-American berries. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


So, all that's left to say is ...


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


Click here to watch Reptilicus!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

About My Move ...



I wasn't allowed to come right out and say it because my wife wanted to surprise her relatives and especially her niece Deinna. However, now that we are here I am free to come out and say it. So here it is: we moved. We sold our house in Sacramento and road tripped it to the middle of nowhere, Oklahoma.


And I say good riddance to that stink town! And good riddance to stinky sweater-wearing people who did nothing but find fault in my greatness. I am good, regardless of what anybody says.


It's like what one of my followers keeps saying to me: "Steve, fuck the haters!"


So now I work in Norman, Oklahoma where I am in charge of kick-starting their new storytime program. I'm currently only working part-time but I have faith that when my new store sees how awesome I am with 11+ years under my belt that I will get my full time job back.


I do not live in Norman, however. Norman is a slightly small college town where the University of Oklahoma Sooners originatre. I live about 45 minutes away in a frighteninly small town called Seminole. Extremely small. In fact, I may go crazy. But we shall see.


More later...