NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, February 24, 2012

How I Changed My Race ...




I went to the DMV recently in Oklahoma to change my California driver's license over. And things were drastically different than I was expecting them to be at the Oklahoma DMV.


And I also got to change my race, too.


For starters, it's not called the department of motor vehicles over here. In the south and the midwest of America things are always slightly different than what I was used to. Like how Arrowhead water is Ozarka water. so over here it's the department of public services. It's the DPS.


Strange, right?


The place was small. I mean, REALLY small. It was about half the size of your typical old school mall Waldenbooks. Remember those? It was like a Starbucks-sized DMV. There were about 30 seats total and they were all facing a stark wall so that we wouldn't look at what the TWO EMPLOYEES (!!!) were doing behind us. Lots of camouflage clothing being worn by lots of white rednecks with commercial drivers licenses with lots of teeth that were missing. It was frightening.


But what was worse was the fear I felt when I was filling out my paperwork and I had to list my race. I've never felt like a mexican. I'm more of a mexican't than a mexiCAN. Blame my parents. They threw so much on my older brother, teaching him about his culture and his race and his heritage and leaving me, the younger son, with the bits and pieces of a race I never really knew.


So what do I put as my race on my form? Do I write "mexican" on it? But some mexicans hate the word mexican, so do I put latino? Or mexican-american? Or latino-american? Or Spanish? Or wetback? Or brown?


So I left it blank.


When I went to the desk the lady asked me "What race do you want to be?" Like I have a big choice, right? Like it's the Baskin-Robbins of skin color down at the Okie DPS office-slash-broom closet. So I get to just CHOOSE my race now? Is that it? Well, I guess I would want to be a Scottish Norwegian Pacific Islander.


I wasn't sure what to say. But the lady said, and I quote, "Well, you don't have much of a choice. You can either be white, black, asian, or native-american. And that's it."


Oklahoma doesn't even have a CHOICE for someone to be mexican!




So, now, legally, according to the great state of Oklahoma, I am officially ...


... a WHITE MAN!!!


YES! It's my dream come true! I am now officially a white person! Years of not knowing my own race and wishing I could be white has finally paid off and now my super top secret white man persona, Steve Schmoekle, can finally come into fruition!


I am officially and legally a white man now!


And let me officially say that, as "the man," I am sick and tired of these damn mexicans coming in here and stealing all our jobs.


Damn it feels good to be a white man!


White and Nerdy

No comments: