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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Rock Of Ages: A Church Of Ed Wood OFFICIAL Review ...

If you know a little bit about me and my own rather peculiar personal history, then you know that I absolutely love bad movies. Heck, I wouldn't be showcasing bad movies every sunday for over four years if I didn't adore bad movies. I love them. I would rather laugh at a bad movie than cry at a good movie. My whole life has been based around this fact. I love them.

So, with this in mind, let me now give to you my own short review of the new musical Rock of Ages ...

I went to go see Rock of Ages because A) I had time between my plane ad my train and was stuck in downtown Ft. Worth with nothing to do, and B) Because although I thought it was going to be crap, the previews made it seem as if there was a SMALL POSSIBILITY that it might be good.

Well, friends, I am here today to tell you that YES, in fact, it DOES SUCK ASS! And as a result, Rock of Ages is one of the absolute BEST BAD MOVIES that I have seen in a VERY long time! I haven't had that much fun in a theater watching something bad in quite some time.

And remember, this is coming from a man who has seen Trolls 2 over fifteen times. So when I say a movie is bad, then it MUST be bad!

The movie follows a young, naive Oklahoma girl's big move to Los Angeles, where everyone is famous and everywhere you go you have a clear view of the Hollywood sign. The young woman's name is Sherry Christian, a name given to her so that the songs "Sherry" by Journey A-A-AND "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger can be sung about her. Hell, why stop there? Why not just go the full 110% and just call her Sherry You Give Love A Bad Name Love In An Elevator Christian I Want Action Tonight Tonight Dr. Feelgood Smith? And they make her so naive that I was shocked that the director didn't LITERALLY make her wet behind the ears, like dripping sweat from behind her earlobe every time you see her.

There she is quickly pulled into the seedy world of drinking, partying, lame 80's hair metal music, and Tom Cruise's best Axl Rose impersonation. See, therein lies the rub. There are celebrities singing eighties songs in this. And it seems as if the whole film was greenlit by greedy Hollwood liberals (I.E. jews) simply for the concept of having celebrities singing eighties songs. But apart from the two young leads whom you have never seen before and couldn't give a rat's ass about, no celebrity here is singing better than anyone has ever sung drunk at a karaoke bar at 1am...

Tom Cruise? Ehh. Catherine Zeta-Jones? Ehh. Alec Baldwin? Laughable. Russel Brand? Laughable. Paul Giamatti? NEVER let that man around a microphone ever, EVEN when he's just talk-singing! Former WWE World Heavyweight Champion Kevin "Diesel" Nash? Yeah, he's in this too, and sings one line. Horribly. That's because it's celebrity karaoke night and you just paid eight bucks to go see it. Congrats!

The following scene perfectly summarizes the movie and it's crap-tasticalness: Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand discover that they are gay or bi or whatever and share a love song. They hold hands, look longingly into each other's eyes, and make out like horny high schoolers. It is jokingly disgusting, the idea of these two hair farmers naked and fucking each other, and it in NO WAY moves this clunker of a predictable plot along. But that's this movie. It's pointless and gross, but HEY, Tom Cruise SINGS?!?!?!? (He types, sarcastically.)

It's horrible. The whole stinking movie. Over two hours of absolutely horriblity. This film is sooooooo amazingly horrible that it took EFFORT and SKILL and a HUUUUUUUUGE amount of money to make something THIS bad.

THAT, my friends, is why I loved it!

I Wanna Rock
Juke Box Hero/I Love Rock N Roll
We Built This City/We're Not Gonna Take It

Look for this film to absolutely SWEEP the Razzies!

Rock on, my friends!

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