NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

My Brush With Death ...

My fifteen month old son is very sick today. Bad runs. On and off fever. He is an extremely cranky little boy.

The thing is, my wife has another one of her professional baking and cake decorating classes today, and she also has to be there super early today because her mom had a big ass doctors appointment beforehand. And this is all about an hour away, too.

So my wife is gone. She's gone almost all day, too. Left at around 11am this afternoon and wont be back until around 9pm tonight. So I have to take care of my sick son, feed him bottles, clean up around the house, pick my other kids up after school, help them with homework, make them dinner. And everything else.

And I have to do all of this without any cable television or wifi or computer, too.

I wouldn't be nervous if Maxwell wasn't so sick, you know?

So I'm home alone with Maxwell right now. He loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and we have no cable, so I'm showing him an old dvd of classic Mickey Mouse cartoons from the forties. I don't think he fully "gets" it. I don't think he realizes that this Mickey is the same Mickey that he knows. Still, he's having fun.

Now on to my story ...

A few nights ago, at around 11:20pm, I was driving down a dark and nearly deserted state highway here in Oklahoma.  I was about fifteen minutes away from the nearest town and I was driving up a rather steep hill when I noticedsomething that something was wrong.

The headlights coming towards me seemed to be a bit into my lane.

Turns out I was wrong.

They were IN my lane and coming right at me.

I tried to go into the opposite lane to avoid the oncoming car but the car seemed to begin to swerve back. So I stayed in my lane. And then so did the car coming towards me at a rapid pace.

And remember that I was climbing a steep hill. There was barely any room to swerve to my right without falling to my death down a sharp hill.

But the alternative was a head-on collision with a large speeding pick up truck.

So I swerved to my right as much as I possibly could without rolling down the hill. At the last second, too.

A drunked stranger tried to play chicken with me and I almost died.

Thank god I wasn't zoned out or not paying attention or something like that because I seriously almost died.

And I have no idea why, too. Was he drunk? Was he on his phone or something and not paying attention?  Did the dark and winding state highways confuse him? Was he some twisted redneck purposefully fucking with me? Why? Why did some stranger almost kill me? If I wasn't almost out of gas I absolutely would have chased that bastard down and found out with my fists why I almost died. But I was broke and near empty, left on the side of the road right next to a sharp dropoff, left wondering why the fuck I almost fucking died.

Needless to say I absolutely am NOT looking forward to getting in the car later today, let alone working late tomorrow night and driving home down that dark state highway again.

No comments: