NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Stupid Me ...

I got pulled over tonight.


Stupid me, I had a bad experience at this gas station and I sped off, driving between 75 and 80mph in anger and frustration. But I didn't realize that the 65mph speed limit suddenly changed to 55 ... and that there was a backwoods sheriff waiting to catch speeding people like me.


The cop said that he could have charged me with reckless driving and send me to jail but he decided to just let me off with a speeding violation because, in his words, "You a newcommer, so I'll be easy on ya'."


I feel stupid.


Fuck me.


My wife is going to hate me.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Some Maxwell Firsts ...

First Visit To Target:



First Halloween Costume:



First Christmas:



First Time Sitting Up On His Own:



First Taste (Not Swallowing) Of Solid Food:

Sunday, January 29, 2012

BIG Tag Team Match Next Monday On Raw ...




I'm currently sitting alone in the living room of my Seminole, Oklahoma home. I am on my awesome laptop right now watching a pirated live feed of the 2012 WWE Royal Rumble. It may be illegal, but I ain't paying $45 on a pay-per-view. I have a wife and three kids. I can't waste huge bucks on things I want anymore.


My apologies to the World Wrestling Entertainment corporation.




But thanks go out to my awesome and amazing parents who really came through for me by getting Isabela and I tickets to next week's big live taping of WWE Raw in Oklahoma City.


This will be the Bela's first live wrestling event.


Isabela and Steve Galindo: The NEW Latino Heat!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Big Boobs Edition ...

One of my top posts on this blog is the "Get My Wife To Let Me Buy This DVD" campaign where I asked people to e-mail my wife to demand she let me buy a double feature of big titty Doris Wishman movies.


I'm not sure why that post is so popular. I guess it's just people's fascination with how much of pussywhipped bitch I am. And it worked, BTW. I eventually found a gift card on the floor of the mall and used it online to buy the movie. And it was every bit as horrible as I figured it would be.


Now, still trying to make up for lost time, here is the worst of those double features. And now, a question: how much of an incredibly bad movie would you sit thru just for massive titties?


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia ...


"Double Agent 73 is a 1974 movie melodrama directed by Doris Wishman, starring Chesty Morgan, although her voice was dubbed due to her thick Polish accent. It was written by Judy J. Kushner (Wishman's niece). This is the second of the two films that Doris Wishman made with Chesty Morgan; the first one is Deadly Weapons."




Morgan, a woman whose bust is 73 inches in size, plays Jane Tennay, a secret agent. Her agency wants her to assassinate, one by one, an organized crew of low grade heroin pushers. In order for her to prove her killings, they plant a tiny camera in her big left breast. Each time she needs a photo taken, she takes off her shirt and clicks over her left breast.


Chesty Morgan, who's real name is Lillian Wilczkowsky, only appeared in four films throughout her career, and in those films, her lines were dubbed due to her thick Polish accent. Although she did only appear in four films, she became notable not because of her acting, but because of her very ample physique, which measured in at an incredible 73FF-32-36. Chesty was born in 1928 in Poland and then moved to Israel before finally making her home in America."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Chips

Crackers

More Coffee

Rice Cakes

Apples

Asthma Meds

My Wife's Huge Boobs


... and now ONCE AGAIN Steve and this blog are both PROUD to present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety absolutely FREE!


A few ground rules first, though. There's absolutely no talking in Steve's Theater and all talkers will be fondled mercilessly by seven colored midgets wearing sombreros and fake mustaches while a one eyed albino man watches and shoves nacho cheese up your greased butthole. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. And please dispose of trash in its proper trash receptacle.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


I GOT MY LAPTOP BACK!!!

YESSSSSS!!!




That's that.


More later.


MUCH more...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Steve's Church-Less Movie Of The Week: Make Up Edition ...



Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia ...


"The Driller Killer is a low budget, independently made 1979 slasher film directed by and starring Abel Ferrara. It was on a list of banned so-called video nasties in the United Kingdom. The film was released in the US in 1979, the UK in 2002.


Driller Killer was an independent feature with a cast of unknown actors produced by Ferrara's own Navaron Films company 1977-78. It was filmed on 16mm film and utilised Ferrara's Union Square apartment and adjacent streets as locations.[4] It features many of the elements which became trademarks of Ferrara's later films. These include Catholic iconography, lesbian scenes, gritty urban locations filmed at night, an eclectic soundtrack combining punk rock and Bach, scenes of extreme violence and a religious theme of redemption, salvation and damnation.




Many cut versions of the movie still exist, which show scenes of drilling into heads and abdomens blacked-out. The uncut version of the movie does show certain parts blanked out using the colour red, most notably the final scene.


The film was well received when released in America in 1979. In the UK, the reaction was very different. In 1982, the UK distributors of Driller Killer, Vipco (Video Instant Picture Company), took out full page advertisements in a number of movie magazines showing the video's violently explicit cover, depicting a man being drilled through the forehead by the Driller Killer. This resulted in a large number of complaints to the Advertising Standards Agency, and opposition to the film from the press and elsewhere; however, it seems that very few of the complainants ever actually saw the film but rather based their opinion on the poster and the shocking title of the film. The film was lumped together with other so-called 'video nasties' released at the time and a vociferous campaign was launched by the press to ban them all. The movie was not officially released uncut in the UK until 2002."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Chips

Chocolate

Asthma Meds

Porn




... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE!


Please, though, a few rules first. There's absolutely no talking in Steve's Theater and talkers WILL be mutilated. No cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. And absolutely NO TEXTING! I am so serious about that last one.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Enjoy the show y'all!


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Like A Sore Thumb ...



I stick out so much here, the sole mexican in an endless sea of white boys and camouflage and football hats. Everywhere I go I feel like I'm being stared at and chuckles about, the odd man out no matter where I am.


And the things is that I look at myself in the mirror and, really, I can't blame them. I see what they mean. I look in the mirror and I sea a strange looking mexican guy with brown skin and a suit and tie and these goofy ass big glasses and a big ass mustache and brown skin.


I see a walking contradiction now. I see someone that can do nothing but frighten and confuse the white redneck hicks and the baptist families and the good ol' boy hunters and the good christian kids. They don't know what to do with me.


I am an enigma in a sea of sooners.


I really wish I wasn't me.




I still have no laptop BUT I will be trying to post a make-up Church-less Movie in the next day or two, so stick around!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Changing Channels In A Sea Of Goodness ...

I'm watching Mitch Hedgeberg right now. The man is, was, a genius. So was Bill Hicks. Last night I watched three hours of 30 Rock. Then I watched The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and two whole episodes of Maury. Paternity tests are the greatest, not the crappy lie detector episodes. "You are NOT the father!" Those are the best.


It's been over a decade since I've had cable. Now I have it and I am absolutely in love. I am swimming in a crappy sea of watered down goodness.


Have you seen Storage Wars? It's literally about nothing but it's so damn addictive! And on TruTV there's this cop show called Vegas and it's cops on the strip. Screwed up stuff. They had a marathon on a week ago and I stayed up until about 2 am watching that stuff. That's good, too, because I have been closing at work a lot so I have adapted well to staying up late watching crap.


So, although living in the middle of nowhere in a backwards state may be challenging to me, as long as I have cable and my Netflix I could be living in the middle of nowhere or in freaking Pakistan and I would be hunkey dorey even steven around here.


See, I love bad movies.


That's why I love Netflix. It's the almighty King of bad movies.


LIKE SHIT?


GET NETFLIX!


Still no laptop, though. I'm writing this on my wife's Nook. I think my wife is somehow purposefully dragging her feet when it comes to getting my laptop back. That sucks because I really need to level up Isabela and I's superheroes in Marvel Superhero Squad.


But yeah. Things are pretty good for me right now.


If I didn't have cable then I might have a different answer, but I DO have it, so there it is. Life is pretty good right now.


Wind clan out.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Currently ...

I am currently sitting on the couch watching a rerun of The Colbert Report as well as two hours of 30 Rock. See, there's an hour of 30 Rock on WGN and after that there's another hour on Comedy Central. The couch is small and vaguely uncomfortable but I have my feet kicked up on one of te arms. I am alone in the room except for a dog snoring on the floor right below. Now Isabela has joined me. The second hour of 30 Rock is about to start.


I am currently drinking coffee. I have been doing a TON of closing shifts at work lately, so I have been pretty darn tired lately. I've been sleeping in most days, thanks to my awesome wife with whom I get to have sex, but yesterday was our two girls' first day at an Oklahola school. They were great. They were excited, not scared, and Isabela didn't even cry at all. However, waking up early to see them off to school means that I had an incredibly long day yesterday which was capped off by an hour and fifteen minute drive home, an eight hour shift at work, and an hour and twenty minute drive in the pouring rain. I woke up a little after noon this afternoon, then took a small nap, then decided to drink some coffee. So that is that.


I am currently blogging on my wife's phone because I still do not have my laptop in possession. The laptop crashed and the computer tech people said that we could have them completely reset the computer and that would esare everything OR we could wait five to eight weeks and have them send it to this special lab where they could try and see if they could rescue as much as they could. It was successful. They rescued everything. They also took like nine weeks. And now that they are done we don't live there anymore. I keep bothering my wife to have her friend Cheryl see if she can pick it up so that she can send it to us, so hopefully soon we will have that damn thing back.


I am currently happy. I was really unhappy in Sacramento. There were people there that spend a really long amount of time and effort working on a witch hunt designed to persecute me and make my life a living hell. And it worked. I really do think, and my therapist backs it up, that after the robbery I was in that I developed post traumatic stress disorder which was intensified by the intense witch hunt that I was horrifically subjected to by a small handfull of nameless people who by no means have any relation to any major organization whatsoever. Which led to the cutting I now still wrestle with daily. Now I'm happy here. My life is great and things are awesome and all is well with the world I live in.


That is what I am currently doing.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Maxwell Laughing ...

Bask in his cuteness ...



Happy Type Of Complaining ...

So right before the end of the new year I wrote on my facebook page: "I like A, complaining, and B, making fun of strange looking weirdos. So thats why this state is great for me to live in!"


You may have thought that I was kidding (und makeeng vit der funny schtuff)but this is very much true.




I get to complain about the people and their driving and their teeth and their accents and how they look in their John Deer hats and their overalls and their latent racism. It's all a complainer like me could ask for.


Although I have found that most Okies are really nice and talkative and are willing to do things slower than most people. Being in the capital of California I learned to always be in a hurry about everything every time anything happens. It's nice to slow down.


Seriously, being here I feel like I'm in a witness protection program.


And, after I was treated in Sacramento, this is not necessarily a bad thing.