NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Thoughts ...



The picture above is a picture I took on my drive to work. It's about fifty minutes to an hour drive each way and it can be tiring and boring and monotonous but it's also a pretty amazing drive. It's a great time for me to think and compose my thoughts. The drive is absolutely gorgeous, as you can see from the picture above. The whole drive is filled with wide open plains and big hills and dense, dark forests and even some wild animals. I've spotted some deer a few times and what was either a coyote or a chupacabra, a legendary Mexican goat sucker, which my dad, who is from deep with the fields of Mexico, can tell you are absolutely real.


I also have a video that I recorded a few months ago and its of my dad explaining how for special occasions when he was little his whole family would kill and eat a cow. It's a pretty sharp contract to MY childhood living with my mom and my toys and cable television, you know?


I want to post something personal here, something meaningful and honest. I feel like this blog has been here for ten whole years and for most of that time I've used this as a platform for my personal thoughts and feelings and gripes. It's been an honest, unfiltered look into my mind. but recently I've become more obsessed with getting hits and using this blog to entertain others with movies and pictures and boobs and whatnot. So although I'm not exactly sure what I should say, i just know it's important that I try and say something.


It's a beautiful day in Oklahoma. The wind is ripping through the dark clouds like cray but it's not COLD wind. It's windy but still a very nice day. I'm used to wind that cuts right through your clothes and drills into your bones. This is strong but mild feeling wind and it makes for good tree-climbing weather.


Here's a few photos ...








I guess that I could call living here lonely. I could. But I have a wife and three kids. Two catch the bus every morning just a half a block away from our front lawn. I walk them there whenever I can and I try to be there when they get home. I have a newborn who in just two weeks will be six months old. He's growing so fast. plus there's my wife. And my in-laws. And occasionally there's my brothers-in-law and my amazing niece Deinna.


So I may feel lonely but I am never alone.


Work is good. They people are really nice and really friendly and they are already starting to warm up to my humor and my attitude. I've even been invited to a thing or two. I am only part-time but people are already starting to notice me and notice how hard of a worker I am and how awesome I am. And that is something that the other place I was at quickly forgot about. It's bad that I'm not making as much money as I used to, but after the hardcore schedule I kept at the other place it is a warm welcome to have time off to spend with the people who really matter.


Things are pretty good right now for me.


My mind is fast and manic here but also calm, just like the wind outside racing thru the trees.


And I'll still show movies and boobs.


You're welcome.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Non-Nude Hot Women ...

I have been a bit ... frustrated lately. Sexually. It's a bit hard to get yourself some when you're living with your in-laws. Plus my amazingly gorgeous wife hasn't been in the mood lately, whereas I'm in the mood every ten seconds. It's pathetic.


So here are some pictures of amazingly attractive ladies for your punk ass.


Tits always gets page visits anyways.


Here goes ...














You're welcome.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

About The Comments ...



The comments are turned off for a while.


First I had a hater, possibly a jilted former lover, throwing negativity around this blog.


Now my vaguely popular blog is being targeted by spammers using this page to try and sell bootleg Gucci purses and Romanian brides.


Fuck all this.


Comments are turned off for a while.

Friday, February 24, 2012

For A Good Time ...



My older brother Joe, my fucking hero, has a new blog which he has been using to chronicle his struggles with A.D.D. and it's awesome as fuck. It's basically a look directly into his brain and it IS pretty amazing.


Everyone in the world should check it out.


The A.D.D. Diaries

How I Changed My Race ...




I went to the DMV recently in Oklahoma to change my California driver's license over. And things were drastically different than I was expecting them to be at the Oklahoma DMV.


And I also got to change my race, too.


For starters, it's not called the department of motor vehicles over here. In the south and the midwest of America things are always slightly different than what I was used to. Like how Arrowhead water is Ozarka water. so over here it's the department of public services. It's the DPS.


Strange, right?


The place was small. I mean, REALLY small. It was about half the size of your typical old school mall Waldenbooks. Remember those? It was like a Starbucks-sized DMV. There were about 30 seats total and they were all facing a stark wall so that we wouldn't look at what the TWO EMPLOYEES (!!!) were doing behind us. Lots of camouflage clothing being worn by lots of white rednecks with commercial drivers licenses with lots of teeth that were missing. It was frightening.


But what was worse was the fear I felt when I was filling out my paperwork and I had to list my race. I've never felt like a mexican. I'm more of a mexican't than a mexiCAN. Blame my parents. They threw so much on my older brother, teaching him about his culture and his race and his heritage and leaving me, the younger son, with the bits and pieces of a race I never really knew.


So what do I put as my race on my form? Do I write "mexican" on it? But some mexicans hate the word mexican, so do I put latino? Or mexican-american? Or latino-american? Or Spanish? Or wetback? Or brown?


So I left it blank.


When I went to the desk the lady asked me "What race do you want to be?" Like I have a big choice, right? Like it's the Baskin-Robbins of skin color down at the Okie DPS office-slash-broom closet. So I get to just CHOOSE my race now? Is that it? Well, I guess I would want to be a Scottish Norwegian Pacific Islander.


I wasn't sure what to say. But the lady said, and I quote, "Well, you don't have much of a choice. You can either be white, black, asian, or native-american. And that's it."


Oklahoma doesn't even have a CHOICE for someone to be mexican!




So, now, legally, according to the great state of Oklahoma, I am officially ...


... a WHITE MAN!!!


YES! It's my dream come true! I am now officially a white person! Years of not knowing my own race and wishing I could be white has finally paid off and now my super top secret white man persona, Steve Schmoekle, can finally come into fruition!


I am officially and legally a white man now!


And let me officially say that, as "the man," I am sick and tired of these damn mexicans coming in here and stealing all our jobs.


Damn it feels good to be a white man!


White and Nerdy

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...



Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia ...


"Gorgo is a 1961 British Giant monster movie. Directed by Eugène Lourié, it tells the story of an underwater monster's capture off the coast of Ireland. The monster is taken to London to be featured as a circus attraction. The film borrows elements from other monster movies, such as Godzilla and King Kong.


It was also featured in an episode of the cult movie-mocking television show Mystery Science Theater 3000. In 1998 the film was featured on the television series but the rights quickly expired and the episode only had two airings.




The film was originally set to take place in Japan; this was then changed to France, and then finally changed to the UK. According to Bill Warren's film book Keep Watching the Skies, Australia was also considered for a locale, but the producers supposedly decided that audiences 'wouldn't care' if a monster attacked Australia; Australia's alleged lack of worldwide recognizable landmarks for Gorgo to destroy was also cited as a consideration.


The location where Gorgo first appears, the fictional Nara Island, is likely a tribute to the Godzilla series; Nara being a historical period of Japan: alternatively, it may be an anagram for the Aran Islands, off Ireland's west coast. The exterior scenes set in Ireland were filmed at Bulloch Harbour and Coliemore Harbour, both near the County Dublin town of Dalkey. Other scenes were filmed at the MGM-British Studios in Borehamwood in Hertfordshire.




Scenes where Gorgo is driven through the streets of London were shot on a Sunday morning when there was no traffic. The film studio wanted Gorgo to fight the military despite director Eugène Lourié's objections. Later, Lourié would acquire a print of the film and remove the footage.


Gorgo's special effects were achieved by suitmation and miniaturization, a technique pioneered in the Godzilla films. The younger Gorgo was smaller than usual giant monsters so the sets around him were built to a larger scale leading to a greater sense of realism and believability. The creatures were also shot with then-pricey slow-motion cameras to create a sense of scale. The effects were complex and are well respected by special effects artists and fans. The film is also sometimes praised for its innovative ending, which seems to have an environmentalist moral. Unusually for such films, the monsters, which are presented as innocent victims of human interference, survive and prevail.


A novelization of the film was released in paperback at the time of its original release. From 1961 to 1965 Charlton Comics published 23 issues of the comic Gorgo. It included work by Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko. The series was renamed Fantastic Giants with issue #24 which turned out to be the last issue of the series. Gorgo also appeared in a three issue mini-series that started off as Gorgo's Revenge before it was renamed The Return of Gorgo with issue #2. The series ran from 1962-1964."




Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

Coffee

Fritos

Chipins (amazing!!!)

More Coffee

Asthma Medication

Internet Porn


... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE! And it's the MST3K version, too. Yeah. Good stuff.


But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed. Any and all talkers will be coughed on with extreme prejudice. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


Sunday, February 19, 2012

A Clairification ...



I did NOT mean to sit on the baby's head.


It was an accident.


Besides, I didn't sit on him all the way, okay? I barely put any pressure on his head at all.


And besides, little Maxwell was laying down on the bed, so all I did was slightly push his head into the cushion. It wasn't like he was laying down on the freaking concrete or something.


And part of the fault should lie with the woman, who will remain nameless, who laid the baby down beneath my butt. She should receive at least SOME of the blame.




Anyway, no Churh-less movie today. I have to work in a little bit. I will try to post a film tomorrow sometime.


And didja see WWE's Mankind on 30 Rock a few weeks ago? And on a personal note, I really hope Santino wins his match in the Elimination Chamber tonight. Good luck, Cobra.


Wind clan out.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Mr. Cellophane And The World's First Blogging Cat ...



Sometimes I feel invisible in this house.


I'm living with my in-laws in Middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma. And most days are filled with not only my mo0ther and father-in-law but my wife's entire family, nieces and brothers and animals and monsters, and the air is filled with arguments and loud noises and anger and people who want things "their way" and no one else's.


I try and use my humor to have a voice but that just makes people groan and get annoyed.



000000000 90 55555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555



Wow, look at that!


Apparently the cat just laid down on my laptop while I was out of the room and inadvertently wrote on my blog.


This may very well be the world's first cat blog post.


Amazing.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

About My Soreness ...



We hired movers to move the insane tons of random crap that we apparently own. They trucked it up, then moved it to a storage facility in Los Angeles where we paid a small amount of rent to keep it there while we got settled here in Nowhere, Oklahoma.


Our crap arrived yesterday.


And apparently the truck driver doesn't like having other people help him because he likes working alone. It was just him.


That's how I got hired, and paid, to move my own stuff.


I was paid $25 for two and a half hours of intense work, moving heavy Barnes and Noble boxes and a refrigerator and stuff like dressers and armories and assorted heavy stuff. I am incredibly sore, deathly sore, and then, tonight at work, it was inventory, so I had my ass worked off getting the store ready.


I want to pass out and cry. But I work tomorrow morning.


F my life.

Monday, February 13, 2012

My Morning View ...

It started snowing last night.


And THIS is what my view was from my front door when I woke up this morning ...




It melted quickly throughout the day.


Still, though, I just don't know what I've gotten myself into.


It's so freaking cooolllddd.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Japan Double Feature ...

I've shown this movie before on this blog but it was simply an "unofficial" showing, never an official MOTW. I'm jonesing to watch this again.


See, everyone is fawning all over The Hunger Games like it's SOOOO original. This is the REAL Hunger Games. With balls.


Enjoy ...




Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia ...


"Battle Royale (バトル・ロワイアル Batoru Rowaiaru?) is a 1999 Japanese novel written by Koushun Takami. The story tells of schoolchildren who are forced to fight each other to the death. The novel has been adapted into a film and a manga series, and translated into Chinese, English, French, German, Italian, Russian, Norwegian, and Hungarian.


Battle Royale was adapted into a 2000 Japanese thriller film directed by Kinji Fukasaku based on the novel of the same name. It was written by Kenta Fukasaku and stars Takeshi Kitano. The film aroused international controversy. However, a sequel, Battle Royale II: Requiem, followed.




The film opens with the prologue text, 'At the dawn of the millennium, the nation collapsed. At fifteen percent unemployment, ten million were out of work. 800,000 students boycotted school. The adults lost confidence and, fearing the youth, eventually passed the Millennium Educational Reform Act, AKA the BR Act...'


Battle Royale grossed ¥3.11 billion domestically (around $25 million US). The film was widely acclaimed by critics, with an 83% fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes. The film was labeled 'crude and tasteless' by members of Japanese parliament and other government officials after the film was screened for them before its general release. The film created a debate over government action on media violence. Many conservative politicians used the film to blame popular culture for a youth crime wave. Ilya Garger of TIME magazine said that Battle Royale received 'free publicity' and received box-office success usually reserved for cartoons and TV-drama spin-offs.




At the 2001 Japanese Academy Awards, the film was nominated for Picture of the Year, Director of the Year, Screenplay of the Year, Outstanding Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role (Tatsuya Fujiwara), Outstanding Achievement in Music (Masamichi Amano), and Outstanding Achievement in Sound Recording (Kunio Ando). In 2009, Quentin Tarantino listed the film as his favorite film released since he began directing in 1992.


The Hunger Games novel and subsequent film has been criticized for its similarities to the 1999 novel Battle Royale. Although its author Suzanne Collins maintains that she 'had never heard of that book until [her] book was turned in,' The New York Times reports that 'the parallels are striking enough that Collins’s work has been savaged on the blogosphere as a baldfaced ripoff,' but that there are enough possible sources for the plot line that the two authors might well have hit on the same basic setup independently.




(intermission)




Battle Royale II: Requiem (バトル・ロワイアルII 【鎮魂歌】 Batoru rowaiaru tsū: "Rekuiemu"), abbreviated as BRII (Bii āru tsū), is a 2003 Japanese, dystopian, action-thriller film. It is a sequel to the 2000 film, Battle Royale, which in turn was based upon a controversial 1999 novel of the same title by Koushun Takami. An extended version of the film is titled Battle Royale II: Revenge.


Director Kinji Fukasaku, who directed the first film, started work on the sequel but died of prostate cancer on January 12, 2003, after shooting only one scene with Takeshi Kitano. His son Kenta Fukasaku, who wrote the screenplay for both films, completed the film and dedicated it to his father.




Battle Royale II: Requiem received generally negative reviews from film critics. The film received a rating of 38% at Rotten Tomatoes with a classification of 'rotten'. Many reviewers criticized the film for having a contrived, confusing plot line and poor acting. Ilya Garger of Time said that while the film has more 'bullets, bombs and dramatic battlefield deaths' than its predecessor had, the sequel does not have the 'who'll-die-next-and-how suspense.' Garger described the characters in Battle Royale II as a simpler breed who join forces to defeat the adults."




Awesome.


You're welcome, world.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My Latest Drawing: Author Joel Osteen's Teeth (Close Up) ...

Author Joel Osteen...


My latest masterpiece...



I created my picture by looking at the cover of his latest book with a giant magnifying glass. It is my theory that his smile is permanently frozen on his face and that his top teeth are so dominant that they have taken over his entire mouth.


I bet he secretes his own hair gel.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Shame ...



Ok, fine.


I didn't want to talk about it but I feel I have to fess up here and be honest about everything. So I will admit it.


Last monday I found that I could not take my daughter to the big WWE live taping because I was too busy feverishly vomiting out my intestines and pooping every ten minutes.


Even though I was dizzy and feverish and deathly sick, I still tried to take her. I was doubled over in pain but I still thought that I could pull it off. But my wife and family refused to even let me try. They were right, I guess. There was no way that I was in a condition to try and pull it off. I was too sick.


I failed Isabela.


I also feel like I failed my parents. They are the ones that got me those tickets for my birthday.


I feel bad. I feel like I lost.

Friday, February 3, 2012

My Big Week ...


Next week is shaping up to be a pretty big week for me. There are a few big things on the horizon that I am really looking forward to.


For starters, I have two tickets to the live WWE Raw Supershow taping this monday in Oklahoma City and I really want to take Isabela because she has never been to a live wrestling event. But she has been grounded for a while and so apparently that means that she may not be able to go with me. I have a list of people, my very own Raw Depth Chart, on who to take with me JUST IN CASE but I am fairly certain that everything will be ok and that bela and I will make it to Raw.


Secondly, my first official storytime at my newly adopted state is next saturday the 11th at 11am. Very easy to remember so I'm trying to brand my own catchphrase "11 @ 11" to customers to create a buzz around my storytime. This big storytime is going to be a launching platform for what I know will be a very well received and successful storytime.




Next week is a big week for me.


Stay tuned!