NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

My Girls: Then And Now ...

This is my 1,894th post since I started this blog in November of 2002. Can you freaking believe that? I started this blog when I was single and drunk in California and now here I am living in Oklahoma (!) with my wife (!!) and three kids (!!!) ... isn't it crazy how time changes everything?

Here are my girls way back when:

... and here is a picture of them now:

Crazy.

I go back to work tomorrow.

(sigh)

BUT it looks like I in fact WILL be visiting Arizona in 10 or 11 days. I will be driving about an hour to OKC, then taking a train from there to Ft. Worth, then spending about a half a day in downtown Ft. Worth, Texas at the Barnes and Noble and maybe at their AMC movie theater ... any PORN stores downtown, since I will be alone ... and then a plane to Phoenix, Arizona.

It's an adventure! Me!

Can't wait to go!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Perils Of Another Mini-cation ...

Four days off in a row. Very nice. Four freaking days. So once again I find myself in yet another accidental mini-vacation.

However, while day three begins today, I think I can safely say that most of the previous mini-cation days that I just passed thru have had their challenges and that today already seems to be no exception ...

For starters, including Maxwell there are six loud and crazy kids in this house right now. Isabela is playing with Lisa's daughter AND with the two crazy girls that Nanah is supposed to take care of, but Nanah is taking Lisa to a job interview and my wife screwed up her knee and is taking a nap, so the burden of making these girls STOP SCREAMING falls to me. It's hard. They just aren't listening to me. They're fighting each other and screaming and fighting and screaming and hitting and screaming like crazy and nothing I say will make them stop. I put Madagascar on just to try and quiet them down and it seems to have worked a little bit. But for how long, you know?

Secondly, I got a dvd from Netflix the other day, probably three days ago actually. I saw the title pop up and sent it my my house SIMPLY on the HIDEOUS title: "The Calamari Wrestler" ...

This thing is an unmitigated shitburger!

Here's what the wikipedia god has to say:

"The Calamari Wrestler (Japanese title: Ika resuraa) is a 2004 Japanese film by director Minoru Kawasaki, starring Kana Ishida and Osamu Nishimura. The plot revolves around a professional wrestler who, after developing a terminal illness, becomes a giant squid-like creature. As a giant squid, he must battle to reclaim his former life both inside and outside the ring."

It has been three days now of my TRYING to watch this movie. But it's hard. This thing, it's shit. It's absolute shit. I mean, maybe if I was with a group of friends and I was DRUNK then MAYBE it would be fun. But being alone watching some jap guy in a rubber suit wrestling... it's just bad. It's REEEEEALLY bad. I'm trying to power my way thru it but ... well, I'm just worried.

In a previous post, I already discussed my fear of losing my love of bad movies and THIS Onion article expresses my fears perfectly. I'm just worried that me not watching this spells doom of my love of bad movies. I'm just worried that age is making me lose sight of who I am.

Thirdly, and I don't want to go into too much detail because I am not 100% sure who reads this, but let me say this: I am treated like a sixteen year old misanthrope and not the thirty five year old father that I am. I want out. Losing my mind. And that's all I want to say about that.

I was invited to take part in a blog roll for music blogs that post free music. And yeah, I DO do that. But I decided not to take part in that because I feel that if I did indeed take part then I would probably feel pressured to focus less on bad movies and my own personal shiznittle and focus more on posting music stuff. And that's not how I want this blog to go, you know?

I love my blog. I really do.

Later.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

More B-Movie Poster From My Scrensaver ...

I've said this before, but my screensaver is pretty amazing. It's a random rotating photo gallery and its got over 1500 images in it, both personal pics from my family and our nine amazing years together and it's also got an amazing collection of old b-movie posters, some of which I'm sharing with you today.

Enjoy ...

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Fuzzy Yet Artistic Pictures Of Drinking With My Co-Workers ...

So I have been working at this new bookstore for well over six months now and in that time I have tried my damned hardest to fit in and be liked and to just be one of the gang.

I believe I have succeeded tonight, having been invited to a big going away party for one of our booksellers at a historical and absolutely amazing little bar and grill right next to OU called The Mont. Small, friendly, and they have the most AMAZING frozen sangria margarita!

I have tried so hard to be liked again and to have friends again, just like my old store.

And I think that tonight I may have finally succeeded.

So yay me.

Here are some pics ...

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...


Yoinked from wikipedia, and the Monster Movie Music blog ...


"The Curse of the Faceless Man is a low budget, horror film, released by Robert E. Kent Productions and United Artists in 1958. It was directed by Edward L. Cahn who also directed Creature with the Atom Brain (1955), Invasion of the Saucer Men (1957), and The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake (1959). It was originally released on a double feature with It! The Terror from Beyond Space.

A petrified body is discovered at Pompeii. He has been found to be a gladiator wearing a bronze medallion with Etruscan writing on it. An Italian archeologist, Maria Fiorillo (Adele Mara), believes that the robust body is still alive, but Dr. Paul Mallon (Richard Anderson) does not believe her. But every time someone is left alone with the body, they die of crushed skulls. Tina Enright (Elaine Edwards) begins to have strange visions and believes that what she knows about the 'faceless man' is true.

Yeah, there are WTF moments, but at one hour and five minutes, you know, you're almost getting straight action, and no filler, and that's the key to what modern film makers haven't figgered out! All that action and eye candy don't add up to dog poop, if there ain't no substance!!! It's that simple!!! Curse Of The Faceless Man has substance, so go ahead and smoke it!!"


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:



Coffee

Pills

More Coffee

Various Chips

Cheap Popcorn

Some More Coffee

Internet Porn


... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE! Yay me!


But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed. Any and all talkers will be butt raped with extreme prejudice. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING! Seriously!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


Random Picture Attack Time ...

Friday, May 25, 2012

The Pains Of Hulu Plus ...

I have spent the day swimming thru a free trial subscription of Hulu Plus on my wife's Nook.

I have watched the first season of The Real World, a few episodes of The State, the episode of The Cosby Show where Theo is "Jammin' on the one" ...

... and a bunch of other random old stuff.

A lot of these shows are painful to watch. They're so old. I guess they have my own memories subconsciously attached to them, you know, and when i'm watching all this old crap I secretly see a skinny, lonely, dark skinned little me watching them new back then.

If that makes sense.

I AM jammin' on the one, though.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My Compliment ...

Four days ago I was at work behind the register when an elderly-ish woman in his fifties maybe came to me to ring up. She was with a friend. She was wearing sunglasses indoors and a hat which I would soon realize was to cover her baldness.

She asked me if she could say something. I said sure.

What transpired was the single greatest compliment I have received in my 12 years in the service industry.

"Speaking as a bald female cancer patient, I must say you have the most BEAUTIFUL long hair I have EVER seen on a man!"

I went all rubbery.

Thank you. That is amazing!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Free Form Blog Posting ...

I have today off. Yay me.

I'm currently in the kitchen with my mother-in-law and Lisa. The stormy weather we've been having has cleared into a bright, breezy day. I'm very busy doing nothing.

I'm on a huge reading kick, as you can tell by looking at the good book column on the left side of my blog. I am currently in the middle of reading Betty White's autobiography (I'd do her in a second!) and I love it. Newfound respect for that amazing broad! I'm also sipping my second or third cup of lukewarm coffee and debating whether or not I should watch WWE Raw tonight. I'm just not that into wrestling right now. Typical after-Wrestlemania malaise. I know I should care but I don't. Fuck all that. Yawn.

Speaking of fucking all that ...

I just got a really negative comment on my blog from someone really upset about how I've been occasionally throwing away plastic bags. Yeah. Gee whiz, that a sin. Ohhhh.

Look. I don't believe in recycling. Okay? It's just a placebo for Earth. Did you know that The National Recycling Counsel is supported by Coca-Cola, Pepsico, Anheuser-Busch, Coors, Owens-Illinois, and International Bottled Water Association, the same damn evil corporations that are busy making money ruining the earth. The website Tree Hugger.com says this:

"Recycling is simply the transfer of producer responsibility for what they produce to the taxpayer who has to pick it up and take it away."

Yeah. That's my feelings in a nutshell. These companies knowingly create waste that we the people have to take care of. Plus, I don't see recycling as being the end all cure to fix this rotting world. Major governmental change is what will heal this planet. Corporations can heal this planet. But they have shifted the blame to us and pretend that recycling a can or a bag will save the world. It's just a placebo. So do it if you want, if it makes you feel better, but don't expect me to do it.

Liberal left wing hippies everywhere are enraged now. I don't really care.

The kids have only one more week of school and then they are off. Summer. Can't believe that it's already here. But what am I going to do with these kids? I want to watch a ton of movies with them. They loved The Avengers. Now there's Spider-Man, maybe Batman, but that's probably too dark for the kids. I want road trips, too. Good old fashioned American road trips in a hot, melting car to go far, far away and ogle at boring Americana crap. That's the American dream and I want some.

There's no real singular point to this post. I'm just free forming it. Buckle up, then, folks.

The craziest video games of all time!

Just got off the phone with my dad. I talked with him for a half an hour. That's like a record. God bless the man. I love him. He just was always working when I was growing up. I feel that cable and my mmom raised me more than he did. I love him, though, and those few times he took me to a comic book store or the Dairy Queen with the train set were amazing times I will always cherish. I swear not to be the same way with my kids, not to focus on work more than LIFE, you know? I feel that I actually WAS that way when I was a manager back in Sacramento. Back there at Arden it was always work and the company and selling and sales strategy and the store and e-planner and all this red tape corporate bullshit. Well fuck all that. My kids are my #1 priority.

That and boobs.

I'm trying to get my brown ass to the desert. I really want to go to Arizona so I can visit my family and my slightly troubled older brother Joe who has had his share of hard times recently. My dad said that he could score some cheap airfare tickets of I ever wanted to visit and he was right. He found some plane tickets that are only $97 round trip! The only catch is that I have to leave via DALLAS at 11pm and arrive at 5:05am. That's pretty extreme, plus the drive from Nowhere, Oklahoma to freaking Dallas is like three hours long. And that's a pretty damn far ways away.

The Clash: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

So my wife and I are debating this. should I stay or should I go? I really want to be there. I feel that I can really help my brother in what he's dealing with. But DAMN that's a drive and I'm not made out of freaking gas money! I also don't want my wife to resent me. That's the biggest fear that I have. I don't want her to go "Ugh! Great, now I have to take my stupid husband all the way to freaking Dallas!" and huff and puff. But I really do want to go.

I think I've had too much coffee. I feel like I could Hulk out or punch a hole thru a walrus or something.

I'll talk to you later.

Wind Clan out.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Bela's Bad Movie ...

My daughter Isabela and I just watched a bad movie together. The Giant Claw. really bad. It's an ok movie but the hideous rubber chicken monster looks so dumb it's like an anorexic muppet.

But my daughter and I were really rooting for the bad guy when it killed that car full of reckless teenagers. Bela screamed "Take THAT, reckless teenagers!" It was pretty epic.

Good time.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Spook Show Double Feature ...

Here's a video to get you in the mood ...

Now, here's your FIRST feature.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from the mighty wikipedia machine ...

"The Monster of Piedras Blancas is a 1959 science fiction/horror film written and directed by Irvin Berwick and starring Jeanne Carmen, Les Tremayne, John Harmon, Don Sullivan, Forrest Lewis, and Pete Dunn. Strongly influenced by The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), the film was produced by Jack Kevan, who had supervised the manufacture of the original Creature suit at Universal-International, and created the Piedras Blancas monster costume.

Both Jack Kevan and Irvin Berwick toiled in unbilled obscurity as contract employees at Universal-International. Berwick had been an uncredited dialogue director at U-I and at Columbia prior to that, working with the likes of William Castle and Jack Arnold. Kevan in particular chafed under the stewardship of Bud Westmore, the head of the studio's make-up department, who seldom allowed employees like Kevan or sculptors Chris Mueller and Millicent Patrick to receive publicity. Berwick and Kevan formed Vanwick Productions (BerWICK + KeVAN) and became independent producers. Their first film was designed as a patch on U-I's popular Creature from the Black Lagoon, whose iconic monster suit Kevan had helped create. For this movie's fictional 'diplovertabron' Kevan cut cost and labor time by using existing molds for the feet (cast from those of the Metalunan Mutant from This Island Earth) and the oversized hands (designed originally for The Mole People.) Actor/stunt man Pete Dunn wore the green-hued monster suit in the film, and did double-duty playing the bartender.

Universal gave a great deal of unofficial cooperation to the production, since it was going through a period of budget problems. Vanwick received sweetheart deals for production vehicles and equipment, the studio's way of helping the many laid-off technicians who found work on the independent film. Top-lined Don Sullivan would appear in a number of other genre films after this, such as The Giant Gila Monster.

Several scenes broke new ground for on-screen gore, such as the monster making a shock entrance carrying a bloody human head, and a later shot of the same head with a crab crawling across the face. The film was released on a double bill with Okefenokee, a bayou melodrama. Kevan and Berwick made several other B-films, notably The Street is My Beat, before Kevan left show business to start a cosmetics company. Berwick continued to direct and produce low budget features into the 1980s. Wayne Berwick later directed the cult classic, Microwave Massacre and co-directed the 1950s spoof The Naked Monster, which features Jeanne Carmen and John Harmon in a lighthouse segment which sends up the 1959 film. Les Tremayne also appears in the spoof (albeit in a role patterned after his part in The War of the Worlds). Irv Berwick supplied an off-screen radio voice for the parody."



Yoinked from imdb, wikipedia and 1000misspenthours.com with my own bad movie knowledge mixed in ...


"Seddok, l'erede di Satana, translated as Seddock, Heir of Satan, is a 1963 black-and-white Italian horror/science fiction film directed by Anton Giulio Majano and starring Alberto Lupo and Sergio Fantoni. It was released in the U.S. three years later as Atom Age Vampire despite the fact that it has no actual connection to the atom age, nor are there any vampires anywhere near this piece of poop.




This low-budget Italian schlockfest production tells the tale of a scientist who employs a radical new procedure to restore the beauty of a young stripper who gets disfigured in a car accident. All goes well after the bandages come off but its only a matter of time before the woman begins transforming into an incredibly stupid looking monster.

The original Italian version is fully eighteen minutes longer and may very well be more logical, more sensible, and just generally better. Then again, it might also be that the Italian prints simply feature more strippers with less clothing. Either way, the English-language version of Atom-Age Vampire is a truly ass-tastic film.




Atom-Age Vampire is everything a 1960’s audience would have pictured when they thought about shitty Italian horror movies. The dubbing is haphazard, the English-language dialogue is ridiculous, and the voiceover actors always seem to be overemoting in a slightly different direction from the performers whose voices they replaced. With so much footage missing, it’s impossible to be certain who deserves what share of the blame for the erratic pace and nonsensical editing of the American prints, but it’s equally impossible to ignore those defects when watching the US edit.


It's a fairly decent story of obsession, a cautionary tale of science, and an anti-smoking morality play deep down inside. But on the surface it’s a fairly boring, awfully talkative drive-in flick with bad dialog and some pretty laughable effects."


Steve's Snacks Of The Week:


Coffee

Pills

More Coffee

Root Beer

Asthma Meds

Internet P0rn

Random Chips




The second feature today is actually a repeat. I showed this film in 2010. It is MY OWN special version of the film and it has recently made its way to youtube. MY special version of todays feature presentation features a very special beginning, an old commercial, a movie preview and a small amount of my own little riffs hidden throughout the movie, so be sure to pay good attention!


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!