NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

This film is a fairly new "release" and is widely being considered the NEW worst movie of all time. So you KNOW I had to have this film on my blog.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from wikipedia, FilmDrunk, and the New York Times ...

"Birdemic: Shock and Terror (often shortened to Birdemic) is a 2008 independent horror film written, directed, and produced by James Nguyen. The leading cast is made up of Alan Bagh and Whitney Moore. A purported homage to The Birds, Birdemic tells the story of a romance between the two main characters as their small town is attacked by birds.

Birdemic was made with no studio support, largely self-financed and produced through Nguyen's Moviehead Pictures company for a budget of less than $10,000. Though Nguyen intended Birdemic to be a 'romantic thriller' according to its press release, the film has gained notoriety for its poor quality, with some critics citing it as one of the worst films ever made. After a limited theatrical release, the film gained a cult following and was picked up for distribution by Severin Films in 2010.

Since Birdemic was discovered at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival — where Mr. Nguyen brought it anyway and showed it in bars after it was rejected by the festival’s selection committee — it has become a cult hit on the midnight movie circuit. Crowds in Austin, Phoenix and Los Angeles have thrilled to its stilted dialogue, substandard production values and young heroes who defend themselves with coat hangers.

As a tribute to his favorite director, Alfred Hitchcock, Mr. Nguyen spent $10,000 and seven months’ worth of weekends in 2008 making Birdemic. 'I never went to film school,' Mr. Nguyen said. 'But I did go to what you’d call the film school of Hitchcock cinema.' The investment seemed to pay off when Severin Films, which has handled the DVD releases of films like Enzo Castellari’s Inglorious Bastards and Richard Stanley’s 'Hardware,' acquired Birdemic and began showing it at specialty cinemas across the country. Along the way, Birdemic received encouraging notices from the G4 geek-culture television series 'Attack of the Show,' the horror movie Web site bloody-disgusting.com and even ew.com, the Web site of Entertainment Weekly.

Exactly why Birdemi” has been greeted so warmly is up for debate. Joel Hodgson, the creator of the movie-mocking series Mystery Science Theater 3000, which ran from 1988 to 1999, said that especially terrible films can possess unusual charms. 'They’re adorable in a goofy way. It’s like a really weird-looking kid, where you just go, ‘Wow, he’s just cute.’ There are elements to his face that don’t work in any other place but on that face.'

I’d like you all to know that there are really only two appropriate environments in which one can experience Birdemic. The first would be from a hospital bed, as you lay there helplessly with a brain hemorrhage, waiting for the good Lord to finish you off. The second reasonable setting would be inside a cramped theater, fifteen minutes past midnight, while chugging 12 ounces of 'movie reviewing juice' from a Tecate Light can.

As a whole, the movie is a complete and utter calamity, but perhaps this is the distributors selling gimmick: to encourage as many people as they can to get together and watch the horrible movie they’ve all been hearing about. My initial fear was that director James Nguyen had intentionally set out to make a “cult classic”, something that I believe critics and fans should determine. But I can assure you, there is a small remnant of some kind of conscious production effort here that unexplainably does grant some level of justification to its viewers.

A sequel, entitled Birdemic II: The Resurrection and also to be directed by James Nguyen, has been announced for a planned release date of summer 2012. The sequel will apparently be available in 3D and the plot will center around eagles and vultures attacking Hollywood, California. Filming wrapped up in March of 2012, but a specific release date hasn't been announced yet."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:

Coffee
Pills
A Lot More Coffee
Asthma Medication
Pretty Good Popcorn
Vanilla Ice Cream
Ton Of Coffee to get Thru this Turdburger
Leftover KFC Chicken
Random Chips
Internet Porn
Sexual Frustration

... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE! But before the show starts lets go over a few theater rules.

First off, there's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and talkers WILL be turned into zombies. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No open flames. Dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And please ... NO TEXTING! Very serious about that one.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!


Thursday, June 28, 2012

My Pants Are Dying ...

It's 1:04 am.

Yeah. I know I should be asleep, especially since I am almost always the one who wakes up between 8 and 9am with little Maxwell Edward, but I'm awake. I'm here doing my usual rounds of nothing on the computer. Just staying up late, keeping the world safe, killing zombies.

My pants are on fire.

Not literally. Figuratively.

See, the thing of it is that this time last year my wife was hella pregnant. And withholding sex from me. She was pregnant and the two of us were still fighting deeply, too, now that I remember it, due to some personal stuff that I shouldn't get into, so no sex for me.

Then the baby is born, but now it hurts my wife to have sex, so we hardly do it at all. Pretty much never. It's hard not to feel like she's withholding sex from me. I know it hurts her and I am sensitive to that, but I have a frrrrrrrreakishly insane sex drive that's like the drive of three sixteen year old boys and I'm being constantly cock blocked.

I swear it makes me want to scream sometimes.

I could ask her to "help" me, to "service" me, but you might as well be speaking Chinese. Does Not Compute. All your base are belong to us. Nope. Not happening. I'm all alone on this one.

Don't get me wrong. I love my wife. We've been together for almost a freaking decade and in that time I/we have gone through so much fucking bullshit fights and angry backstabbings and heartbreak that literally ANY OTHER relationship would have crumbled under the sheer weight of our last decade. But we are still here, still together, still married, still a freaking family. Because we are in love. And we're stubborn.

Stubborn and in love. That sounds good. I like that.

But I'm just worried, too. I mean, I'm freaking 35 years old. Soon it will be the big FOUR-OH. What will happen to my sex drive then? Will the fire in my loins dry out? Will by pants still be on fire? Will I wear bulky sweaters and grow a beard and read Richard Dawkins books and listen to NPR and free form jazz all day?

It's 1:41 am right now. I am drinking a horrible tasting Kiwi Strawberry Shasta and a bag of chips that my wife would usually yell at me about. My neck hurts. And my stomach. I'm worried that my kids are getting me sick. My trips to the bathroom are so frequent that I think I'm getting frequent flyer miles, you know?

Anyway, no real point to this post. I just wanted to share my mind, my heart, my crotch. Something personal and real. This is me. Reverend Steve: unapologetic truth. That's what you get. I'm not perfect, but ehh, you could do worse.

Stay tuned to this here blog, though. I have got a REEEEEEEEAL treat in store for you this sunday!

Wind Clan out!

Where I Am ...

Where do YOU live?

Where I live currently is an insanely small hick town in Oklahoma about 25 miles east of Shawnee. It's a nowheresville filled with a crapton of nothing.

The following picture if of me and Maxwell and it was taken behind some buildings downtown.

I hate the town, but this picture is pretty sweet ...

I live nowhere.

Nowhere is me.

Rock Of Ages: A Church Of Ed Wood OFFICIAL Review ...

If you know a little bit about me and my own rather peculiar personal history, then you know that I absolutely love bad movies. Heck, I wouldn't be showcasing bad movies every sunday for over four years if I didn't adore bad movies. I love them. I would rather laugh at a bad movie than cry at a good movie. My whole life has been based around this fact. I love them.

So, with this in mind, let me now give to you my own short review of the new musical Rock of Ages ...

I went to go see Rock of Ages because A) I had time between my plane ad my train and was stuck in downtown Ft. Worth with nothing to do, and B) Because although I thought it was going to be crap, the previews made it seem as if there was a SMALL POSSIBILITY that it might be good.

Well, friends, I am here today to tell you that YES, in fact, it DOES SUCK ASS! And as a result, Rock of Ages is one of the absolute BEST BAD MOVIES that I have seen in a VERY long time! I haven't had that much fun in a theater watching something bad in quite some time.

And remember, this is coming from a man who has seen Trolls 2 over fifteen times. So when I say a movie is bad, then it MUST be bad!

The movie follows a young, naive Oklahoma girl's big move to Los Angeles, where everyone is famous and everywhere you go you have a clear view of the Hollywood sign. The young woman's name is Sherry Christian, a name given to her so that the songs "Sherry" by Journey A-A-AND "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger can be sung about her. Hell, why stop there? Why not just go the full 110% and just call her Sherry You Give Love A Bad Name Love In An Elevator Christian I Want Action Tonight Tonight Dr. Feelgood Smith? And they make her so naive that I was shocked that the director didn't LITERALLY make her wet behind the ears, like dripping sweat from behind her earlobe every time you see her.

There she is quickly pulled into the seedy world of drinking, partying, lame 80's hair metal music, and Tom Cruise's best Axl Rose impersonation. See, therein lies the rub. There are celebrities singing eighties songs in this. And it seems as if the whole film was greenlit by greedy Hollwood liberals (I.E. jews) simply for the concept of having celebrities singing eighties songs. But apart from the two young leads whom you have never seen before and couldn't give a rat's ass about, no celebrity here is singing better than anyone has ever sung drunk at a karaoke bar at 1am...

Tom Cruise? Ehh. Catherine Zeta-Jones? Ehh. Alec Baldwin? Laughable. Russel Brand? Laughable. Paul Giamatti? NEVER let that man around a microphone ever, EVEN when he's just talk-singing! Former WWE World Heavyweight Champion Kevin "Diesel" Nash? Yeah, he's in this too, and sings one line. Horribly. That's because it's celebrity karaoke night and you just paid eight bucks to go see it. Congrats!

The following scene perfectly summarizes the movie and it's crap-tasticalness: Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand discover that they are gay or bi or whatever and share a love song. They hold hands, look longingly into each other's eyes, and make out like horny high schoolers. It is jokingly disgusting, the idea of these two hair farmers naked and fucking each other, and it in NO WAY moves this clunker of a predictable plot along. But that's this movie. It's pointless and gross, but HEY, Tom Cruise SINGS?!?!?!? (He types, sarcastically.)

It's horrible. The whole stinking movie. Over two hours of absolutely horriblity. This film is sooooooo amazingly horrible that it took EFFORT and SKILL and a HUUUUUUUUGE amount of money to make something THIS bad.

THAT, my friends, is why I loved it!

I Wanna Rock
Juke Box Hero/I Love Rock N Roll
We Built This City/We're Not Gonna Take It

Look for this film to absolutely SWEEP the Razzies!

Rock on, my friends!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Steve Galindo Has Entered ... The Twilight Zone ...

This picture is unrelated to the rest of the post. It's just a picture of extremely bad parenting.

So in a little less than 24 hours I have watched eight episodes of the original Twilight Zone. And it's all my wife's fault.

See, my wife goes thru these mad Netflix dashes where she will watch one episode of a show and like it so much that she will have to watch every episode back to back to back in a row. I hardly do that, although I occasionally watch an episode of Futurama or 30 Rock in semi-order.

So while my wife goes nuts over the show Psych, I decided that it was time for me to jump on the hardcore series watching bandwagon. I'm starting with the original Twilight Zone.

I always considered myself a fan of the Twilight zone, despite the fact that I never purposefully watched them. If they were on, eh, I'd watch one. Samething with me and Law and Order. I never sat down with the sole purpose of watching an episode of Law and Order OR Twilight Zone. But I guess that means that I was never the biggest fan of a show I always thought I was a fan of, you know?

But I watched a really moving episode of Twilight Zone right before I left Phoenix about a young girl who, when she is off riding her horse, is chased by an old figure in black, who ends up being herself. That's when it hit me. This show is THE BEST and i need to seriously Natasha this show.

I love how easy it is to make my wife's name into a verb.

Anyway, if the mood strikes me I will try and set up a playlist of my favorites in a few days.

Wind Clan out.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

I was surprised to learn that I have never featured this movie before. So here you freaking go. A classic!

And yeah, I know that the odds are you've seen this film a bajillion times already. So what? It's an American classic. Now, here's a bajillion and one.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia goddess ...

"The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is a 1974 American independent horror film directed and produced by Tobe Hooper, who cowrote it with Kim Henkel. The film follows a group of friends who fall victim to a family of cannibals while on their way to visit an old homestead. Although it was marketed as a true story to attract a wider audience and as a subtle commentary on the era's political climate, its plot is entirely fictional; however the character of Leatherface and minor plot details were inspired by the crimes of real-life murderer Ed Gein.

Hooper produced the film for less than $300,000 and used a cast of relatively unknown actors drawn mainly from central Texas, where the film was shot. The limited budget forced Hooper to film for long hours seven days a week, so that he could finish as quickly as possible and reduce equipment rental costs. Due to the film's violent content, Hooper struggled to find a distributor. Louis Perano of Bryanston Pictures eventually purchased the distribution rights. Hooper limited the quantity of onscreen gore in hopes of securing a 'PG' rating, but the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) rated it 'R.' The film faced similar difficulties internationally.

Upon its October 1974 release, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was banned outright in several countries, and numerous theaters later stopped showing the film in response to complaints about its violence. While it initially drew a mixed reception from critics, it was enormously profitable, grossing over $30 million at the domestic box office. It has since gained a reputation as one of the most influential horror films in cinema history. It is credited with originating several elements common in the slasher genre, including the use of power tools as murder weapons and the characterization of the killer as a large, hulking, faceless figure. The popularity of the film led to a franchise that continued the story of Leatherface and his family through sequels, remakes, comic books, and video games.

Hooper has cited changes in the cultural and political landscape as central influences on the film. His intentional misinformation, that the 'film you are about to see is true', was a response to being 'lied to by the government about things that were going on all over the world', including Watergate, the 1973 oil crisis, and 'the massacres and atrocities in the Vietnam War'. The 'lack of sentimentality and the brutality of things' that Hooper noticed while watching the local news, whose graphic coverage was epitomized by 'showing brains spilled all over the road', led to his belief that 'man was the real monster here, just wearing a different face, so I put a literal mask on the monster in my film'. The idea of using a chainsaw as the murder weapon came to Hooper while he was in the hardware section of a busy store, contemplating how to speed his way through the crowd.

Icelandic-American actor Gunnar Hansen was selected for the role of Leatherface. He regarded Leatherface as being mentally retarded and having never learned to speak properly. To research his character in preparation for his role, Hansen visited a special needs school and watched how the students moved and spoke. John Larroquette briefly served as narrator in the opening credits. Most of the filming took place in the farmhouse, which was filled with furniture constructed from animal bones and a latex material used as upholstery to give the appearance of human skin. The house was not cooled, and there was little ventilation. The crew covered its walls with drops of animal blood obtained from a local slaughterhouse. Art director Robert Burns drove around the countryside and collected the remains of cattle and other animals in various stages of decomposition, with which he littered the floors of the house.

The special effects were simple and limited by the budget. The on-screen blood was real in some cases, such as the scene in which Leatherface feeds Grandpa. The crew had difficulty getting the stage blood to come out of its tube, so instead Burns's index finger was cut with a razor. Burns's costume was so drenched with stage blood that it was virtually solid by the last day of shooting. The scene in which Leatherface decapitates Kirk with a chainsaw worried actor William Vail (Kirk). After telling Vail to stay still lest he really be killed, Hansen brought the running chainsaw to within 3 inches (8 cm) of Vail's face.

Hooper reportedly hoped that the Motion Picture Association of America would give the complete, uncut release print a PG rating due to its minimal amount of visible gore. Instead, it was originally rated X. After several minutes were cut, it was resubmitted to the MPAA and received an R rating. A distributor apparently restored the offending material, and at least one theater presented the full version under an R. In San Francisco, cinema-goers walked out of theaters in disgust and, in February 1976, two theaters in Ottawa, Canada, were advised by local police to withdraw the film lest they face morality charges.

It has often been described as one of the scariest films of all time. Rex Reed called it the most terrifying film he had ever seen. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is considered one of the greatest—and most controversial—of horror films and a major influence on the genre. In 1999 Richard Zoglin of Time commented that it had 'set a new standard for slasher films'. The Times listed it as one of the 50 most controversial films of all time. Tony Magistrale believes the film paved the way for horror to be used as a vehicle for social commentary.

The film was followed by two sequels, a remake, a film that straddles both those categories, and a prequel. The first sequel, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), was considerably more graphic and violent than the original and was banned in Australia for 20 years before it was released on DVD in a revised special edition in October 2006. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990) was the second sequel to appear, though Hooper did not return to direct due to scheduling conflicts with another film. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, starring Renée Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey, was released in 1995. While briefly acknowledging the events of the preceding two sequels, its plot makes it a virtual remake of the 1974 original. A straight remake, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was released by Platinum Dunes and New Line Cinema in 2003. It was followed by a prequel, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, in 2006. A seventh film is in production and scheduled for release in 2013."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:

Cold Ice Cold Water
Root Beer
Various Pills
Tortilla Chips
Chicken Fa-jinas
Buttered Popped Corn
Vanilla Iced Cream
Whatever Candies I Can Find
My Wife's Boobs

Internet Porns

... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE! But first lets go over a few theater rules first.

Absolutely no talking is allowed during the feature presentation. Any and all talkers will be pooped upon with extreme prejudice. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!

And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!

About Today's Movie ...

I've been busy. Yesterday was full and today I work, so today's Church-less Movie Of The Week will have to be postponed until sometime later tonight.

My apologies.

I'll try and make it a good one, tho.

Friday, June 22, 2012

A Rambling Story About A Boring But Amazing Guy I Just Met (And Also A Lengthy Book Review) ...

I changed the way my blog looks. I like doing that every once and a while. Toss it up. I try to make it so that my blog look slightly different every time a regular visitor shows up to my page. I mean, just look at my banners if you want to see how much I like to change this site. I like regularity, but a small change now and then is good for you.

This, however, is a fairly drastic change, so I hope that this page doesn't give anyone a headache or an aneurism. Please comment if you dislike it. Or like it. Or not. Whatever. It's not like anyone comments anyway. The only time anyone does is when they want to complain about me or post spam. So yeah. On to the story.

A few days ago I was working at the register, right? I was standing there waiting for a small smattering of people to come up for me to help and vaguely creep out I was doing that exciting sounding work for about three straight hours non-stop until my first break of the evening. Exciting, right?

I was spending that fairly mind numbing time trying to finish reading the new book "Amped" by Daniel H. Wilson. The man has a degree in robotics and wrote the book "Robopocalypse" which is now on its way to becoming a movie directed by Steven Spielberg! Using his scientific knowledge, Wilson's fiction is well grounded in reality. These are things that COULD happen. That's what makes his books unsettling and vastly entertaining. His new book is just as good as his last one, although I might be biased, considering most of the book's action is set, strangely enough, very close to where I live here in Oklahoma.

It's a darn good book, both of them, and I strongly suggest everyone buying copies and plugging yourself in to Daniel H. Wilson's genius. And, if anything, you should at LEAST read his stuff before it becomes a movie and freaking everyone and their grandmas start reading him and start saying "Oh, I LOVE all his novels!" only because there's a movie out. I hate that. So get on the bandwagon before it gets all crowded with novel reading rubberneckers. Daniel H. Wilson is the future of realistic science fiction and everyone should be reading him.

Anyway, I was at the register reading Daniel H. Wilson and wondering if Amped was going to be some sort of trilogy because it didn't seem like he could wrap it all up in the fifty pages that I had left. And while I was reading, and I would have been on the edge of my seat if there was a seat that I was sitting down on, a customer came up with a stack of books for me to ring up.

The man was a very bland looking middle aged man. He was slightly tall, slightly overweight, slightly bald, with a very bland looking, slightly chubby face. Glasses hanging low down his nose. He was wearing jeans with suspenders, which is apparently a very popular look with middle aged men here in the midwest. He was the type of guy you couldn't pick out in a lineup. He was bland.

And he looked like his life was bland, too. His wife didn't seem to pay him any mind and his three sons and one daughter were running around playing instead of listening to their parents. This man's lips, thin, hung low in a seemingly permanent frown. This is definitely not a man who would go bungee jumping, you know? He was just another slightly chubby, slightly balding, middle aged W.A.S.P. stuck in a rut.

But ...

... and here's the kicker, okay?

This man's name ...

... was LANCE BROCKMAN!

Names have power attached to them. I believe that. I sincerely do. And this man, this sad, sad, schlubby man, is completely wasting his name's power. Wasting! When I hear that name I automatically picture a news broadcaster or a successful businessman or CEO. I picture a handsome man with a chiseled jaw, maybe even a super hero's secret identity. I picture a character from Mad Men, someone sitting in a penthouse suite in New York drinking expensive scotch. I picture the cartoon Roger Ramjet and his arch-rival: Lance Crossfire, ace test pilot ...

I certainly do NOT picture a sad old man stuck in his life. That made me sad, seeing powerful sounding Mr. Lance Brockman sadly going through the motions of his life, feeling castrated, feeling uncared for, living his life the way that society has decided he must life, living life unhappy day after day after day and why? Why does he stay where he is? Society? Religion? God?

I felt sad for Lance Brockman.

And I hope to GAWD that I never end up like him!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

In A Cheap Attempt To Gather More Pageviews, I Present Boobies ...

After that title, I don't think this post needs an introduction. Pretty self-explanatory. But I will now write one anyway.

Ahem!

And now, in a cheap attempt to gather more pageviews, I now present a collection of sexy young boobies.

Enjoy ...

Sorry for any women that might follow this blog. I gotta do this every once and a while just to get the butts in the seats, know what i'm saying? I hope you do.

It's like a good guy wrestler saying something like "I'm happy to be here ... IN NEW YORK CITY, the BEST CITY IN THE WORLD!!" It's a cheap pop, is what it's called. showing titties on a blog is a cheap pop.

I like curvy women. Does it show?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The New Revised English to Midwesterner Dictionary ...

The following translations are from normal human english to strange backwoods midwesterner talk ...

Hello = Howdy

Soda = Pop

Would You Like A Bag = Would you Like A Sack

Receipt = Ticket

Wallet = Billfold

Tornado = Twister

Dinner = Supper

Mexican = Wetback

I hope you've learned something today.

Life is strange here.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Going Back ...

That's a picture of my wife the night of her birthday. She kicked my butt until the last frame when I pulled off a STUNNING upset which she is still upset about.

So after nine days off I go back to work today.

Lame.

I'm thinking of jumping in front of a bus instead.

What do you think?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Pictures From My Arizona Trip ...

Ironically, on my flight from Dallas to Arizona there was someone I knew on the flight: Aurelia, a friend from freaking grade school! Not only that but we were also in the dame row! Yay!

My mom takes pictures just like my brother used to ...

Joe and I out to cause trouble ...

Castles and Coasters: video games, mini-golf, rides and more!

The inside of the arcade. Looks like the bottom level has a lot less games than it used to have ...

The upper level is now filled with a bunch of old school video games ...

The pinball is on the top now ...

I kicked butt on the Iron Man game ...

... but it was THIS game that I was hoping to see again!

Walked around the mini-golf course taking pictures for a while. This is a picture of the most annoying hole in the course, the big swinging stick level ...

Me and the haunted house: old friends!

There's the not-so spoooooky mine shaft ...

I kicked all sorts of ass on my last token playing 1942. Even got the high score. hell yeah!

Joe's stepdaughter understanding the awesome power of mustache ownership ...

Random thong in Ft. Worth, Texas ...

Wreck-it Ralph poster.

On the train heading home ...

... and here is the sweetest and most adorable picture EVER! It is a picture of adorable little daddy's girl Isabela Galindo sitting right next to the train tracks waiting for her daddy to come home to her!