NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My Dream ...

Dreams.

I hate dreaming.

I hate dreaming because I don't normally remember ANY of my dreams, which really sucks.

HOWEVER, I will most DEFINITELY remember a dream, like the one I literally JUST had, which featured: treasure hunting with my wife and my old friend Tom Wegner, then seeing a giant skull drive thru a suburban area, then eating at a Denny's with a giant King Kong's foot going thru the middle, eating there with a Denny's full of old movie sort of cops, then getting locked in a comic book store and having Weird Al show up and give me coupons to a Sacramento craft fair!

And it strongly featured the music of They Might Be Giants.

What an AWESOME dream!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Special Make Up Edition ...

I just got the computer back, as evident by all the posts I have been rushing to publish today.

Anyway, now that I can truly post, here's a free Church-less M.O.T.W. to make up for lost time.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from dvd drive-in.com, imdb, and I like horror movies ...

"All The Colors Of The Dark is a 1972 Italian language horror film directed by Sergio Martino. It was released in America by Independent International under the title They’re Coming to Get You in 1975. The film was also released in the US under two alternate titles: Day of the Maniac and Demons of the Dead.

In Video Watchdog No. 39 Tim Lucas estimates that about 5 minutes of footage was removed from the US version and notes four major scenes that have been removed.

Striking Algerian beauty Edwige Fenech stars as Jane, a troubled young woman who just miscarried her unborn baby in a car accident which her doctor boyfriend Richard blames himself for. She begins having strange surrealistic nightmares, featuring cackling toothless women in baby bonnets, a knife-wielding killer with piercing blue eyes and screaming nude women stabbed to death in their beds. Fun stuff.

Sergio Martino's vibrant cult shocker ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK blends the devilish plot from ROSEMARY'S BABY with all of the style, color, and suspense of the Italian Gialli (minus the tell-tale signs of a black-gloved killer). It includes stand out performances by Julian Ugarte, Ivan Rassimov, and Edwige Fenech in a captivating lead. Despite his later reputation for making low-budget Eurotrash, Martino displays all of the skill and finesse of the other Italian masters here, carefully crafting the story arcs and visuals with a painterly touch. Where other Gialli become unnecessarily contrived and convoluted, it is much easier to accept the surprising twists in ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK as part of the dream logic inherent in the plot."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:
Coffee
Pills
More Coffee
Chips
Hawaiian Punch
Random Fridge Leftovers
Nasty Asthma Medicine Residue

... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE!

But lets go over a few rules first. There's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and talkers will be eviscerated with a KFC spork. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. Please dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And NO TEXTING!! I'm serious about that one.

And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!

YEAUHHH!!!

Free Music (And Some Real Big Boobies) ...

King Missile: Detachable Penis
Primus: My Name Is Mud
Richard Cheese: Milkshake
Digital Underground: Underwater Rhymes

The Raveonettes: Black White
Creaturos: Charlie Brown
Flip The Switch: Girl Or Friend?
Richard Cheese: Let's Get Retarded
Foxboro Hot Tubs: Dark Side Of Night

Socialburn: Everyone
KMVP: Montreal Screwjob
Dryve: Heart Of This
She and Him: Riding In My Car

Also, and I hope you are still reading this part here, I have been doing storytimes for kids every week for well over 11 years. And in celebration of this I've compiled a big photo album of over 50 pictures and hilarious stories from over a decade of entertaining children and it would be a personal favor to me if you could check it out and maybe share it ...

STORYTIME WITH MR STEVE 2003-2014

Seriously, if you could plllllleeeeease share the photo album on your Facebook page. It would only take a second and I reeeeeally want to get my name out there. So a quick share would really help me out. Plus, it's pretty cute and fairly hilarious.

What We Did While My Wife Was Away ...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

MY WIFE IS BACK ...

My wife and son arrived home at around 3am this morning.

I am so overjoyed that they are finally back home that I've been having a panic attack and fighting back tears all day.

I'm just so happy they're home!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Damnit, NOOOOOO ...

I just finished reading the novel The Long Earth by Stephen Baxter and absolute genius Sir Terry Pratchett. It is an entertaining and utterly fascinating look at multiple earths and the questions raised when these different earths are discovered.

I absolutely loved the book. It has the serious science fiction of Baxter with the humor of Pratchett that has become so popular that fans won't be surprised at the idea of a main character also being a soda machine.

But here's the thing ...

The book ...

... is the beginning of a SERIES!!!

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

The same damn thing happened when I read Fight Club author Chuck Pahalinamachuvkama-whater's last book, the hilarious Breakfast Club meets Dante's Inferno novel Damned. See, no one told me that this was a series, so I blasted my way through the novel, only to discover AT THE END that the book I just finished reading is part one of some big ass planned series and now I am stuck waiting two or three or fuck knows HOW LONG for the next book to come out.

DAMMMMIT!

I HATE waiting!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Words ...

Words cannot express how much I miss my wife and ten month old son, who left on a road trip a week ago today. I miss my son's face and the way he smiles and laughs when he sees me come home from work. And I miss my wife being around for me to annoy. She's my best friend. Hell, she's my only friend, and I feel deeply alone without her here next to me.

I would also say that I miss sex but seeing as I never was allowed any even when she was HERE then that's pretty much a moot pont, then, isn't it?

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

... will NOT be seen this week, on account of me having no computer to set the damn thing up with! Sorry, everybody! Blame my wife. And my son. And the whole state of Nevada, those godless heathen bastards.

And blame Star Wars-themed rappers, too, for personal reasons.

So for the next week or two the ever popular Church-less Movie of the Week feature will be put on hold while my wife learns how to sell Scentsy and, I am assuming, learning now to smell things.

Yeah. Sorry. No free movies for a while.

HOWEVER...

I did manage to post a link to the movie Black Dynamite, the full original hillarious ass movie, on both my facebook page and my twitter account.

So, if you would still like to see a free movie or two, thennow would be a very appropriate time to become my friend.

That is all.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

My Empty Nest ...

My wife is gone. She sells Scentsy, these wickless scented candle thingies, they ARE realky awesome, and so she is in a van with my mother in law on a crazy road trip to the Scentsy convention in Las Vegas that I call both Scent-Fest and Sniff-Con.

Did I mention that since she is breast feeding she took my ten month old son with her? Not having Maxwell with me is the hardest part of this whole thing. I love my son and it hurts not to have him home.

Sigh!

She ALSO took our computer with her to try and get it fixed, so the only thing computer wise that I have is our Nook Tablet. I am typing this blog post on a Nook right now. Boy, I sure am a good corporate boy, arent I?

I don't know for sure if I can properly set up a free movie tomorrow on this small, unforgiving tablet, but I will try, by jove.

Wish my lonely ass luck!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

An Urgent Note From Bert Macklin ...

I have watched 35 freaking episodes of Parks and Recreation in about, oh, say, like two weeks. Or three days. Or a week. Or something.

I don't know.

Look, all I know is that I am falling in love all over again with this amazing ass show. It is the best, it has avery big heart, and everybody should watch it!

Love,
-Bert Macklin, FBI

Random Picture Time Again, Folks ...

Since I might be facing a Mormon president in our future, I decided to keep this card in my wallet ...