NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Boxcutter Collection ...

My son Maxwell is eleven months old. He will be a year old in a few days, a little over a week. And we've been spending more and more time together.

He's walking more and more each day. He seems to want to spend a lot of time outside. I imagine the grass feels good on his little feet. Also, the air conditioner inside our house hasn't worked pretty much all summer, so it's probably nice to get out of our damn sweat box.

I like spending time with Maxwell because it gets my mind off of other things, like my constant urge to want to cut myself. Maxwell makes those pains go away. It's just him smiling at me, laughing. Good times.

There are other things, however, that don't make the pain go away. Other things bring those feelings of wanting to cut back.

Things like the redhead at work, the ONLY PERSON THERE that doesn't like me. I have worked hard to be liked in that store and I have become friends with a lot of people and I am almost universally liked. But there's one woman who won't talk to me, won't look at me, will avoid being near me, and will almost RUN if I appear. Not even any small talk. No sign that she sees me as another human being. Nothing. She fucking hates me. And she's in a position at work, too, where it's basically her JOB to talk to cashiers like me. And she absolutely REFUSES to have ANY contact with me! What gives? What the hell did I ever do to you?

Things like the fight I had with my wife just now. She walked up to me and silently stared at me. I assumed that she was angry at me and was waiting for me to do something for her or I did something wrong. That's how I usually feel she feels towards me because I'm usually right. And so she got angry at me for that and stormed into our room. So basically I said that I felt she is angry at me a lot and she respond by getting REALLY ANGRY at me. See, marriage is a mystery wrapped in an enigma and sprinkled with one sided arguments you have NO CHANCE of winning, even if you're right.

Things like the robbery that I was in a few years ago. I wrote a piece here a few days ago about how my work inadvertently reminded me of the robbery I was in. Since then I have been frightened easier and fighting small bits of random deep depression. I get so sad, too, and lonely, I want to cry. And there's people. I just don't trust them, any of them. It's not fun.

I have been cutting myself lately.

Well, actually, I have been cutting a lot lately.

There's a specific part that I like to cut on my arm. I like it because it stings like a motherfucker AND it bleeds a lot, so it's a win-win. I use razors and boxcutters I happen to find at work and while I am driving and I'm feeling blue, which is more and more frequent lately, I slice the skin open as hard as I can. And when I'm done I use my thumb to stretch the wound open as much as I can to make it look worse.

If anyone at work asks me what happened when they see the scars and the blood, I usually just answer with a straight "Pirates" and somehow that works. I guess I'm strange and funny enough that having that as an answer usually passes muster somehow.

My wife hates it when she sees a new cut. She gets mad at me, like me hating myself and wanting to punish myself for being so horrible is somehow a reflection on her. It's not. But her anger at me upsets me even more. I would like it if she would get sad for me, want to talk to me about my feelings, about why I do this, about what brought it on, about how she can help make it stop. She usually, however, just gets really pissed off at me and even sometimes GRABS THE WOULD AND TWISTS IT as punishment.

Which is kind of ironic, really. It's like I'm outsourcing hurting myself to my wife.

I know I should stop. And I am trying. But it's hard as hell and I have no help.

But ...

There is a new book that just came out. I think I might have to check it out.

It is called "Sharp: A Memoir" and it is by David Fitzpatrick. Apparently it is a harrowing story of one man's 20-year struggle with bipolar disorder and self-mutilation.

And I am pretty psyched about this book and I will tell you why. I have looked for some sort of book that might help be overcome my constant cutting and the impressive boxcutter collection I have amassed to help me cut my arm open. I have really looked my bookseller ass off looking for a book that might help.

And every single book I have found, EVER DAMN ONE, has been for girls.

Has been for TEENAGE girls.

Books with bits like "Ask your girlfriends for help" and "Tell your teacher or school counselor about it" and shit like that. How is that going to help me, a thirty five year old man who cuts? What book is there that I can relate to and go to for help?

Well, I may have just found my book.

And I am pretty damn psyched about that, too.

Wish me luck!

"A 95% True Story" - A Short Play By Steve Galindo ...

Interior: Bookstore. A very HANDSOME LATINO MAN is standing behind a register waiting for customers to help. The phone next to him rings and he quickly answers it.

HANDSOME: This is STEVE, how can I help you?
CALLER: Yeah, uhh, I ordered a book a while ugo an' I wuz wunderin' if it'd come in yet. The name is Klopfenstein.

The old and uneducated man on the phone QUICKLY speeds through his highly complicated last name as if it is a household name, not once offering to spell the monstrous thing. Silence follows.

HANDSOME: Uhh ... I'm sorry, what was that last name again?
CALLER: Klopfenstein.

Again, the man DOES NOT offer to spell his last name, as if it is as common as SMITH or JONES or something like that. More silence follows.

HANDSOME: 'kaaaay, um ... how do you spell that, sir?
CALLER: It's Klopfenstein. With a 'K'.

NOTE: He does NOT spell the name there. Just then, suddenly and without warning, hundreds of GAY NINJAS appear from the sky and pillage the entire store, very violently and homosexually. There are no survivors.

THE END

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Super Attractive, Non-Nude Young Women ...

Also, and I hope you are still reading this part here, I have been doing storytimes for kids every week for well over 11 years. And in celebration of this I've compiled a big photo album of over 50 pictures and hilarious stories from over a decade of entertaining children and it would be a personal favor to me if you could check it out and maybe share it ...

STORYTIME WITH MR STEVE 2003-2014

Seriously, if you could plllllleeeeease share the photo album on your Facebook page. It would only take a second and I reeeeeally want to get my name out there. So a quick share would really help me out. Plus, it's pretty cute and fairly hilarious.

Monday, August 27, 2012

My Weekend With Maxwell ...

My sister-in-law Lauren (Well, actually he's my wife's brother's wife, so ... sister-in-law-in-law? Is that a real thing?) went into labor this Saturday morning. And so my wife, being the caring person that she is, ran off to another city with her parents and all the kids so that she could be there for her while she was giving birth.

My wife, she has a big heart. Everyone comes to her for help and support and advice. So she is always helping people. She is always having to do something for someone else. That's just my wife.

(Plus, she has huge titties.)

I was at work when she said that she was sending the kids home. Including young, breast-fed, 11-month-old Maxwell.

This would be my first night alone with my son.

See, the kid breast feeds. He wakes up a couple of times at night. Sure he does, like any little baby does. But since he is almost exclusively breast fed he just crawls to his mommy's big titties and goes back to sleep.

I was nervous. And a little bit frightened.

But I did good.

Here are some pictures ...

The first one is of my dog Johanna who, interestingly enough, was in labor ALONG WITH my sister-in-law. My dog won the baby contest and, amazingly, gave birth to a wolfpack of one. One dog. That's it. And look at this picture. It's like Jo-Jo is smiling with pride about her new puppy ...

And here is the meeting between the two boys ...


I'm proud of myself. I warmed up bottles at 2am for my crying son and successfully got him back to bed about five times that night. There were some bad moments, too, where I didn't know if I could do this. But I did. And I got him back to bed. And when he woke up in the morning he saw my face and smiled.

I am a dad.

And a pretty proud one, too.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

The Heat Today ...

It's hot in this house.

I mean it's REALLLLLL fucking hot in here!

It's so hot, I think my inner Latino Heat just melted. That's some Chuck Norris-type shit right there!

I just checked the temperature. Guess what? It's about 85-degrees in this house right now.

It almost makes me miss my parents home back in Sacramento, which, even in the winter, would be kept between 55 and 65 degrees.

Almost.

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

I had this movie as a Church-less Movie Of The Week back in 2009 but it didn't include a copy of the actual movie for free.

Now it does. Because I'm awesome.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from the wiki gods as well as my own movie knowledge ...

"The Three Caballeros is a 1944 animated feature film, produced by Walt Disney and distributed by RKO Radio Pictures. The seventh animated feature in the Disney animated features canon, that plots an adventure through parts of Latin America, combining live-action and animation. The film also received 2 nominations for Oscars in 1944.

Also, it's pretty freaking trippy, too.

Produced as part of the studio's good will message for South America, but less obviously propagandistic. The film again starred Donald Duck, who in the course of the film is joined by old friend José Carioca, the cigar-smoking parrot from Saludos Amigos (1943) representing Brazil, and later makes a new friend in the persona of a pistol-packing rooster named Panchito Pistoles, representing Mexico.

The film featured José smoking, Panchito shooting guns wildly in the air, and Donald having an elongated psychedelic drug-like trip. And it's a Disney movie. Damn. They don't make them like this anymore.

The music of the Mexican part was written by Mexican composer Manuel Esperon, who wrote the score for over 540 Mexican movies in the Golden Age of Mexican Cinema. Walt Disney, after having seen his success in the Mexican movie industry, called him personally to ask him to participate in the movie. The main song for the Mexican part is 'Ay Jalisco, No Te Rajes!', one of Esperon's most famous songs.

In April 2007, the film became the basis for a ride at Walt Disney World's Epcot named Gran Fiesta Tour Starring The Three Caballeros, an indoor Log flume and dark ride movie housed within the pyramid-shaped Mexico pavilion. Panchito, the leader of the trio, is the only Mexican character of the three, as Donald has always been portrayed as a citizen of the United States while José is a Brazilian. In the movie, Panchito is often seen firing guns into the air and whooping, while José smokes cigars. As with House Of Mouse, probably due to Disney's Standards and Practices, the characters were toned down for the ride and don't smoke or shoot.

As of September 2006, Panchito and José Carioca, have returned as characters at Walt Disney World where they now appear for meet and greets. They can only be found outside of the Mexico pavilion in the World Showcase at Epcot. Donald also appears with them."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:

Coffee
Pills
Coffee
Lays Chips
More Coffee
Butter Popcorn
The Sight Of My Wife's Tits Spilling Out Of Her Top

Damn I love this movie so much. I loved it ever since I was a kid. I wasn't one for the usual classic Disney films. I strayed more towards the psychedelic, trippy sort of films like Alice in Wonderland and this crazy, screwed up, drug-fueled Donald Duck super epic druggie freak out that, since it's a Disney movie, I am currently watching with my kids.

This movie is the BEST!

The Three Caballeros (theme song)

... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE! Yay me! And yay this blog!

But, before the show starts, lets go over a few theater rules.

First off, there's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and talkers WILL be turned into asthmatic puerto rican zombies. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No open flames. Dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle.

And please ... NO TEXTING! I'm very serious about that one, folks.

And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!

Also, and I hope you are still reading this, I have been doing storytimes for kids every week for well over 11 years. And in celebration of this I've compiled a big photo album of over 50 pictures and hilarious stories from over a decade of entertaining children and it would really help me out if you could click on it, check it out, and maybe share it with your friends ...

STORYTIME WITH MR STEVE 2003-2014

Seriously, if you could plllllleeeeease share the photo album on your Facebook page it would really help me out. It only takes a second and I am really trying to get my name out there. So a quick share would really help me out. Plus, it's pretty cute and fairly hilarious, so bonus.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Greatest Hero Of Our Times ...

This is BIG NEWS so LISTEN UP...

Recently, a 41-year-old UK man and music shop owner recently won £148 million in the Euromillions lottery.

This man's name is Adrian Bayford and he has said he wants to use his lottery money to reunite the original Guns N' Roses line-up.

This UK music shop owner is a true hero.

Axl and Slash haven't played together in almost 20 years. Can you believe that?

Well, hopefully a few hundred million might be just what Slash and Fat Axl Rose needs to get their asses back together.

Hell yeah!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Remembering The Robbery ...

At work I am participating in this interactive learning software that is supposed to teach us about how to be a good employee and save money and avoid scams and "lp" and all that. It's basically the same stuff they make us read when we are first hired, except repackaged to make it seem like a fun game.

Yeah. Exciting, right?

Well, the system officially made me deeply nervous and incredibly uncomfortable last night when it started asking me what you do in case of a robbery.

"Although robberies are rare," it dared to say, "this is what you do."

So I want you to look at the following picture and see if you can recognize the blurred face of the brave, brown skinned, handsome looking gentleman ...

Yeah. Robberies are rare.

Ri-i-i-i-i-i-ight.

So here I am closing at work and this machine is reminding me that on a closing shift just like this one I was robbed at gunpoint almost three years ago, sending me headfirst into post traumatic stress disorder and cutting myself.

So you want to teach me what to do in case of a robbery, Mr. Bookmaster?

Been there. Done that.

So fuck off.

Interesting side note: the four of us who were in the robbery said we would be friends forever, that we were family now. Then about one month later I casually mentioned the word rape in a facebook post about a really bad movie and the manager during the robbery cussed me out on my birthday and called me an idiot, then stopped talking to me. On my birthday! I sometimes flip off the sky and somehow hope she can feel that it's meant for her. I also do that to the man who took advantage of my PTSD and used it to repeatedly get me in trouble for mainly bullshit reasons, probably because I was making too much money. This is why I flip off the sky. And it's also why this slow, boring, do nothing life in Nowhere, Oklahoma is actually comforting to me. Anywhere is better than Sacramento to me now.

And I am NOT IN ANY WAY saying that a certain corporation did jack shit for me after the robbery and I am most certainly NOT SAYING that the management of the store actually treated me WORSE after saving everyone's life during a robbery. And, just to be clear, I am not in any way whatsoever saying that the store manager consciously took advantage of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the robbery in a direct attempt to make me quit because I was making too much $$$ and the store was in severe financial jeopardy. I am not saying any of those things. I will say, however, that the best thing that ever happened to me was moving the fuck out of Sacramento.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Part Two ...

Yoinked from wikipedia and the good folks over at badmovies.org ...

"The Creeping Terror (also known as The Crawling Monster and Dangerous Charter) is a 1964 horror/science fiction film, in which a slug-like monster terrorizes an American town after escaping from a crashed spaceship. The Creeping Terror was directed, produced, and edited by Vic Savage, an alleged con-man and violent sadist, under the alias A.J. Nelson.

The Creeping Terror is widely considered to have been one of the worst films of all time and is currently number 31 on imdb.com's 'Bottom 100' list of worst movies as voted by their users.

Although Robert Silliphant is the credited writer, the original story was written by his younger brother, Allan Silliphant, who went on to produce, write and direct the 3-D adult feature film The Stewardesses (1969) (under the name Al Silliman Jr.), the only micro-budget film of the 1960s or 1970s to become the #1 film on the weekly Variety box-office chart (it finally grossed over $140,000,000 in 2011 U.S. dollars).

A point concerning the narration is that the narrator speaks over much of the dialog in the film while long bouts devoid of dialog have no narration (similar in style to many of the educational films of the 1950s and 1960s). Reportedly the original sound tracks were lost (one suggestion is that they literally fell into Lake Tahoe, which is almost certainly wrong since the movie was not filmed there), although cast member William Thourlby has said that the film was shot without sound as a cost-saving measure, and that dubbing was to have taken place after production. Therefore, there is only a limited amount of dialog in the film, because Savage supposedly shot scenes without regard to the professional quality of the sound, or even transferring it properly to 35mm mag stock. Having insufficient money to pay for basic sound transfers, he finally hired a local radio news reader to narrate the entire movie in post-production.

Silliphant's half-brother, Stirling Silliphant, was already a very successful writer at the time, having written extensively for TV shows like Alfred Hitchcock Presents and co-created Naked City and Route 66. He would go on to write films, including In the Heat of the Night, The Poseidon Adventure and The Towering Inferno, among about 40 others. Allan Silliphant was therefore famous by association, a fact used by Savage to draw in potential investors. The younger Silliphant brother had no idea that the family name was being used to influence potential investors. Savage reportedly offered many of the investors a small part in the film for a few hundred dollars each, in exchange for a part of the profits. However, just before the film's release, Savage was sued repeatedly, even possibly facing indictment on charges of fraud, and vanished. He was apparently never heard from again in the context of film production, and reportedly died of liver failure in 1975, aged 41.

Savage paid Allan Silliphant $1500. Forthwith, the 22-year-old Silliphant returned in three days with the original nine-page film treatment that he had made up face-to-face with Savage, based only on a vague earlier story idea. Later in the production there was conflict between writer and director, with Silliphant growing frustrated that Savage did not seem to share his vision that the story was "supposed" to be over the top. Furthermore, instead of shooting at scenic Lake Tahoe as Silliphant had intended, a muddy pond at Spahn Ranch had to do. Silliphant saw that the direction the film was taking would harm his family, especially the reputation of half-brother Stirling Silliphant, rather than enhance it, so he bowed out after the studio scenes were done. The production became a weekend affair for several more months, with Savage raising the money by selling small parts to star-struck plumbers, etc. One story says Savage checked into a motel with a silent picture-only Moviola to do a quick assembly of the film.

Some people describe the title monster as a killer rug and that is pretty darn accurate. The Creeping Terror does look like a mound of upholstery or carpet. It also sports a stalk which, if found growing on the edge of a garden, you might mistake for some sort of weed. It moves so slow that moss appears fast in comparison. That the creature somehow manages to catch people and ingest them (via a gaping orifice in the front) can only be attributed to special effects. There are many shots of feet disappearing into the Terror's maw. Yeah, those sort of special effects.

In September 1994 the film was the subject of the satirical television series Mystery Science Theater 3000. It is considered one of the worst films they have ever seen and the episode remains a fan favorite."

... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE! And, because I am so awesome, I will be presenting today's feature film in BOTH its original version AND it's mst3k-edness.

Hell yeah!

But lets go over a few rules first. There's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and all talkers will be forced to have slightly uncomfortable sex with a lesbian.

Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No littering. Please dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And NO TEXTING during the movie! Focus! I am VERY serious about that one, folks.

And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!

Wow.

You're welcome, world.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Part One ...

I've decided to do a double feature. Haven't done one of those in a while.

The first movie goes up tonight. That's the one you're on right now. And part two will appear on sunday morning.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from wikipedia and the good folks at badmovies.org ...

"Disco Godfather (also known as The Avenging Disco Godfather) is a 1979 action film starring Rudy Ray Moore and Carol Speed, directed by J. Robert Wagoner and released by Transvue Pictures.

Commonly considered a blaxploitation film, the plot centers on Moore's character, a retired cop, who owns and operates a disco and tries to shut down the local angel dust dealer after his nephew gets 'whacked out' on the drug. The film also served as the debut of prominent black character actor Keith David, who has an unbilled bit part as a patron in the nightclub.

An alternate title for this film is 'Avenging Disco Godfather' which adds a fun twist to an already bizarre title. Even more surprising is that the title is not an attempt to obsfucate the plot. Rudy Ray Moore's character is a popular disco DJ and Bucky's godfather, and when Bucky ends up in the hospital after using PCP, Rudy Ray Moore takes on the underground drug empire.

The 'disco' part is the reason you should not go into this movie unawares. When the film starts, we are inside of a hopping disco club. Get used to the disco; you are going to see a lot of it. You are also going to see a lot of the disco club's patrons, henceforth known as the disco dancers. Collectively, the disco dancers are the film's main character. I am harping on this, but you just cannot imagine how much disco padding the film contains until you see it.

Grand Master of Ceremonies for planet disco is our protagonist, Tucker Williams. He keeps the club filled with music and is prone to memorable comments that, while making little sense, are so catchy that you cannot help but to repeat them. In fact, the litmus test to positively identify if a person has ever come in contact with 'Disco Godfather' is to tell them 'Put your weight on it!' You do not have to wait forty-eight hours to read the results. If you say, 'Put your weight on it!' to someone and they laugh, smile, or giggle, then they have definitely been exposed to this movie.

Parts of this movie are entertainingly bad, including pieces of the poorly realized drug trips. I could even laugh at the disco up to a point. What happens is that the absurd padding goes on for too long. It overstays its welcome. After five minutes, I had had enough disco. Ten minutes of disco and I was visibly upset. Fifteen minutes of exposure caused me to emotionally shut down. If you want to see a grown man sulk, all you have to do is make him watch twenty minutes of disco (or deny him nookie). The nookie denial is probably more certain to cause the sulking, because some men do like disco. However, we all hate being denied nookie; it makes us act like petulant three-year-olds.

For the love of God, make love, not disco."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:
Coffee
Pills
Coffee
Chips
Popcorn
More Coffee
Fruit Punch
Asthma Medicine
Internet Porns

... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE!

But lets go over a few rules first. There's no talking in Steve's Theater during our feature presentation and all talkers will be forced to smell the stinky body scent of Mr. W. Perry of Sacramento, a fate worse than death! Smelling his sweaty stench will have you begging for a death that will not come!

Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No littering. Please dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And NO TEXTING during the movie! Focus! I am VERY serious about that rule.

And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).

ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Remember That One Tom And Jerry Cartoon Where They Got Drunk And Committed Suicide ...

Neither do I, but apparently there was an old Tom and Jerry cartoon from 1956 called "Blue Cat Blues" where Tom sells himself to slavery, gets his heart broken, gets drunk off his little cat ASS, and the entire cartoon literally ends when Tom and Jerry both commit suicide.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

So I have the video here for you. Try not to kill yourself when you watch it. If you do, I am in no way liable, ok?

UPDATE: The cartoon keeps getting pulled from youtube. The only full version I could find is a bad quality, meaning it's framed in the WORST way possible. But it's the full cartoon nonetheless. It's a testament to this cartoon's hideousness that even so badly framed it's still depressing as hell.

Here you go ...

And the moral of this fifties cartoon for little kids is: never trust a bitch!

You're welcome.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Rock Of Ages: A Woodmas Miracle ...

A few months ago I posted lengthy review of the movie "Rock of Ages" and called it one of the WORST movies EVER MADE!

GOD I love hating that amazingly stupid ass movie!

The Rock of Ages Soundtrack: We Built This City/We're Not Gonna Take It

Well, as it so happens, they just set a date for the release of this stink burger to come out on dvd. And it's amazing, ironic date makes me smile big wet ones.

The movie is coming out on dvd on October 9th, the day before Woodmas, the Ed Wood christmas, the day Ed Wood was born! This terrible movie actually comes out on dvd on freaking Woodmas Eve, people!

It's a Woodian miracle!

So do yourself a favor and, on Woodmas Eve, go out and buy yourself a copy of Rock of Ages on dvd.

Trust me!

You'll HATE it! It's wonderful, wonderful crap!