It's 10:30 and I miss my wife terribly.
I miss her so damn much I want to cry, want to scream, want to cut myself or break shit or fucking die.
Do not be alarmed.
That's probably just the lack of Paxil talking.
I have been 17 days without taking it. I'm proud. I am super crazy damn proud of that. Kicking an antidepressant is a goddamn bitch! I could HEAR my brain SCREAMING, hear the synapses misfiring, hear my eyeballs move, crazy happenings. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. But I really think I did it.
I just started hating all the antidepressants and the mood stabilizers and all the rest of it. I dont want to be dependant on drugs anymore. I felt like I actually forgot how it felt like to feel emotions without the help of pills. How long was I taking Paxil? Six years? Seven years? Maybe eight?
Now I just wish that I wasn't taking asthma meds. That's my only dependant anymore.
Well, that and coffee.
But, in my defense, I only take maybe one or two breathing treatments a week now as opposed to, what, the two or three a fucking DAY that I used to do! I had to take my nebulizer machine with me. I was glued to that thing. I was a goddamned Astroboy robot person. I couldn't breathe so much you could have called me Vader.
So, you know, that's something, right? There's SOME improvement there. A fine amount of improvement, I think.
I took a breathing treatment last night... so lets see how long it takes to do another one, ok?
Sorry this is so long.
I miss my wife so much.