NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, November 8, 2013

The Church of Ed Wood Announces The World's NEWEST Worst Director of All Time ...

Ed Wood is NOT the worst, not anymore.

For those of you who aren't aware of my connection to Mr. Wood's legacy, let me try and explain...

Edward D. Wood Jr. was a writer, producer, actor and director from the 1950's and 60's who is wrongfully considered to be the worst director of all time and his most well known film, "Plan 9 from Outer Space", is widely considered to be the worst movie ever made.

I have been a fan of Ed all my life and over fifteen years ago I, Reverend Steve Galindo, created The Church of Ed Wood to showcase my love for the man and his films. I wanted to clear his name, give the man some credit. I didn't mean to somehow successfully connected myself into the life and legacy of Mr. Wood himself. Hell, I'm mentioned by name in Ed Wood's Wikipedia page, for pete's sake! That's pretty amazing.

I can be considered a lot of things: an asshole, a self-loathing Mexican, a storyteller, a father, etc.

But one thing I would really like to be known as is a bad movie historian with Ed Wood being a specialty of mine. I can also be considered the leader of my own religion, a bad movie Pope, of you will. I KNOW bad movies!

Therefore, I am here to explain why Ed Wood can in NO WAY be considered the worst director of all time.

See, shortly after his death - he died homeless and penniless, forced to crash on an old friends couch where he died watching football, a script ironically called "The Final Curtain" in his hands as he died - two men know as The Medved Brothers began cashing in on the popularity of home video players by writing a series of badly fact-checked books about old b-movies. Their book "The Golden Turkey Awards" tried to be the Oscars of schlock and in it they declared Ed Wood the worst director and "Plan 9" the worst movie ever made.

Bug things have changed and that announcement was a loooooooooong time ago.

That was before the birth of the so-called "summer blockbuster" where heartless studio execs made million dollar pieces of crap for the sole purpose of selling movie tickets and merchandise to the brainless idiots who think that soulless baby food on film can be a good movie.

(See the American "Godzilla" and the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" films for further proof.)

That was before movie studios lost their creativity and decided to remake EVERYTHING, even near perfect classic films and recently released, pretty good movies that really don't NEED a freaking remake in the first place.

(See Vince Vaughn's "Psycho" and the new "Total Recall" for further proof.)

That was before the direct to dvd market exploded and a billion bad movies that are so crappy that they would NEVER be shown in a theater are now being rented and streamed all over the place.

(See "Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus" and Disney's "Santa Buddies" for further proof.)

That was before brainless, heartless directors and producers decided to make brainless big budget movies with emphasis on special effects and explosions instead of good acting and coherent scripts.

(See any of those horrible freaking "Transformers" movie for further proof.)

This was before the term "mockbuster" was coined to describe a horrible, cheap, crappy direct to dvd film parody of a major motion picture specifically created for the sole purpose of tricking the renter or purchaser into thinking it is the original film.

(See the unwatchable "Transmorphers" series for further proof.)

And, most importantly, Ed Wood was considered the worst director of all time way before it somehow became COOL to make a bad movie, where being an awful movie somehow makes you a "cult" movie which makes you cool, despite being a pretty shitty movie.

(See a million films, including "Troll 2", "The Room" and "Birdemic" for further proof.)

The website IMDB has a constantly updated list of the Top 100 greatest films of all time. It uses articles and lists and reviews and box office receipts  to mathematically deduce which films can fully be considered the absolute best.

And, using that same formula, they also maintain a list of the Bottom 100 worst films of all time.

If Ed Wood was indeed the worst, then wouldn't his films have a major presence on IMDB's Bottom 100?

I believe that Wood's films were at one point in time on the list a loooong time ago. But now his films are completely absent from the Bottom 100.

And is that a surprise? In a world with mockbusters and Transmorphers and Disney's "Santa Buddies", can Ed Wood be considered the worst director anymore? With so many bad movies flooding the market nowadays, can we honestly say that "Plan 9 ftom Outer Space" is really the worst film EVER MADE?

(Seriously, I dare anyone over three years of age to try and watch Disney's "Santa Buddies" without contemplating suicude.)

Ed Wood made movies not because he wanted to be famous. He remained in obscurity until his death. Only after death did he become famous.

He didn't do it to make money. He struggled with money all his life. It's surprising that he was able to even make one film, let alone the amount of films he successfully completed.

He didn't do it because a studio told him to do it, either. Nowadays it's rare to see a film made by a director. Films are now made by committee, created around a boardroom by creatively impotent studio executives for the sole purpose of making money. Ed Wood was the complete antithesis of such a thing.

Ed Wood made movies because he loved movies and he loved telling stories.

And as a practicing Woodite I ask you this:

  Should the reason why a film was made be just as important as the film itself?

Ed Wood cannot be considered the worst director of all time, not anymore.

But who is?

Who is the worst?

Simple:

Michael Bay.

Michael f-ing Bay.

Team America World Police: "Pearl Harbor Sucked"

Michael Bay is the absolute opposite of Ed Wood and all he stood for. His films are highly stylized and grossly under written. His is style over substance. His films, created to appease the lowest common denominator, have somehow gross over 3 billion dollars worldwide, films like "Pearl Harbor", "Bad Boys" and the god awful Transformers series, films that are both wildly successful and somehow wildly criticized for suckiness. How can a man be such a success while simultaneously be so wildly hated?

His dramas, especially the extra sappy action/dramas "Armageddon" and "Pearl Harbor", doesn't make you feel emotional as much as it forces you loudly from one emotion to the other: CRY NOW!  OK, NOW CHEER! WAIT, MORE TEARS! That seems to be a habit: other films talk to you but Michael Bay's films scream.

You should also know that Michael Bay co-owns the production company responsible for all those pointless horror movie remakes like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Nightmare on Elm Street."

That's his new modus operandi. He takes other people's art and repurposes it for his own cheap moneymaking schemes. A fine example of that is when he took a series of overrated 80s toys and turned it into a nonsensical series of techno music, headache-inducing computer generated images, and explosions and called it Transformers 1 thru 8 or however many he's made so far. Now he's doing the same thing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Is there anything he won't ruin? Michael Bay's "CARE BEARS" starring Justin Timberlake and a big pile of boobs.

Here is why he is the worst and also why Ed wood gets a bad rap:

Ed Wood makes movies because he loves movies and he loves the audience.

Michael Bay doesn't make movies because he loves the audience. He thinks the audience is rock stupid. He couldn't care less what the audience thinks.

Michael Bay also does not make movies because he loves movies. No. He does it for money. He does it for fame.

And, above all, Michael Bay makes movies because Michael Bay loves Michael Bay.

Ed Wood is the absolute opposite of Michael Bay.

That is why The Church of Ed Wood hereby officially announces that director-slash-blockbuster film whore Michael Bay is in fact the NEW worst director of all time!

Thank you for your time.

No comments: