NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Maxwell And The Bubbles ...

TO DO LIST:

1) Take pictures of son's first time playing with bubbles.
2) Post pictures on blog, titled "Maxwell And The Bubbles".
3) Melt hearts and win awards with your amazing amazingness.
4) Make money.
5) Fuck bitches.

Mission accomplished.

And this last one is it, the winner, the freaking money shot.

Look at him. He sees that bubble. It's right in front of him. He has it on his radar screen and he is closing in for the freaking kill.

Amazing!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Special Semi-Rerun Double Feature ...

To make up for my lack of free movies lately, here is a semi-rerun double feature. I originally showed the first movie as part of a double feature a number of years ago. It's pretty darn good, too. The second movie is a certified gore CLASSIC and there's a nifty bit of intermission fodder there as well!


Enjoy!




Yoinked from the wiki gods, Video Dead movie blog and my boys at 1000misspenthours.com as well as my own intense bad movie knowledge (because I'm awesome) ...


"The Snow Creature is a 1954 black-and-white sci-fi monster movie produced and directed by W. Lee Wilder, and written by Myles Wilder. It stars Paul Langtonand and Leslie Denison as members of a scientific expedition to the Himalaya's that encounter and capture a Yeti. The creature is then brought back to the U.S., only to escape and run havoc in Los Angeles. It's basically the east coast King Kong, only strange and boring and without any discernible talent.


Director W. Lee Wilder was the same talentless clod who gave us Killers from Space and The Man Without a Body, and The Snow Creature is every bit as shabby and lackluster as either of those turkeys. The movie has been released on DVD in numerous bargain basement versions and is now considered a cult classic.




The movie has two acts, the first taking place in the exotic locale of the Himalayas and the second occurring in Los Angeles, California. While the first act takes place in an undisclosed Himalayan country (presumably bordering India) the actors portraying the locals speak Japanese for some reason. Whatever, freaking Japs.


So The Snow Creature was the first of several 'Yeti/Abominable Snowman' themed movies. It also bore some strong resemblance to King Kong, in terms of plot, with act-one in an exotic setting and act-two taking place in an urban setting. The monster is captured in the first act and is brought to the urban setting in the second act, only to be set loose -seeking out a habitat similar to its home (in this case, the snow creature runs to the sewers of L.A.). Finally, both films feature a monster that is drawn to women.


Beyond the singularly tacky monster suit (it’s nothing but a bunch of cheap furs sewn haphazardly together), the excessive reliance on voice-over to propel the story, and a cast that deservedly spent most of its respective careers playing characters with names like Farmer, Policeman, and Japanese Ambassador, The Snow Creature suffers from the deadliest of all shortcomings... it’s a fairly boring monster flick.


Apart from the specific nature of the monster, there’s nothing here you won’t have seen done better a hundred times already, and even its one distinctive selling point, the Yeti, was done better several times in subsequent years. But I guess it gets points for being the first.




This film is supposed to be the world's first abominable snowman flick. It's probably also one of the world's worst snowman flicks. Everything from the crappy costume (just a tall guy in a furry suit that kind of looks like footy pajamas with his face clearly visible) to the slow pacing (you see the same scene of people climbing a mountain over and over until you drift softly to sleep) to the stupid KING KONG rip-off plot.


Anyway, it's a fairly entertaining bad movie and you'll have fun watching it. So watch."


And now ...



... and now, time for part two of our amazing double feature ...




Yoinked from wikipedia and bmoviecentral.com ...


"Blood Feast (also known as Egyptian Blood Feast and Feast of Flesh) is a 1963 American horror film directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis, often considered the first splatter film. It was produced by David F. Friedman. The screenplay was written by Alison Louise Downe, who had previously appeared in several of Lewis' other films. Lewis also wrote the film's score.




Popular with members of Lewis' small but loyal cult following, as well as by some B movie fans, Blood Feast is a low budget horror film about an insane Egyptian caterer who kills people so that he can include their body parts in his meals and perform sacrifices to his Egyptian goddess Ishtar (the deity in question is actually Babylonian). Blood Feast immediately became notorious for its explicit blood, gore and violence. Blood Feast is often cited erroneously as one of the first films to show people dying with their eyes open (earlier examples include D. W. Griffith's 1909 film The Country Doctor and the 1931 film The Public Enemy).


Mal Arnold plays deranged murderer Fuad Ramses, described by author Christopher Wayne Curry in his book A Taste of Blood: The Films Of Herschell Gordon Lewis as 'the original machete-wielding madman,' and the forerunner to similar characters in Friday the 13th and Halloween. Lewis said of the film, 'I've often referred to Blood Feast as a Walt Whitman poem. It's no good, but it was the first of its type.'




What's really funny about this film, is that the acting sucks and it was shot for only $24,500, but the low budget and the lack of acting talent made no difference whatsoever. The final result of Herschell Gordon Lewis' and David Friedman's efforts shone with a golden light and honestly changed the horror genre forever.


They had inadvetrently created a new phenomenon and broken new ground by bringing us the very first film that focused on real gore. The blood was in your face and all of the gore effects were not only highly realistic looking, but also highly shocking by the standards of the time. Even by today's standards, some of the effects still hold up really well.




Blood Feast is the first part of what the director's fans have dubbed 'The Blood Trilogy.' Rounding out the trilogy are the films Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964) and Color Me Blood Red (1965). After the third film, producer David F. Friedman said, 'I think that for now we're going to abandon making any more 'super blood and gore' movies, since so many of our contemporaries are launching similar productions, causing a risk that the market will quickly reach a saturation point.'"




Saturday, March 23, 2013

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Steve-Filled Edition ...

I'm back! I'm finally back!

That's right! I got me some freakin' wi-fi, babyyyyy!

So here's a free movie.

It's bad and I'm in it. Kinda.

Enjoy ...

Yoinked from wikipedia, the dudes at badmovies.org, and my own bad movie knowledge ...

"Starcrash (original Italian title Scontri stellari oltre la terza dimensione, literally 'Stellar Clashes Beyond the Third Dimension') is an Italian 1978 science fiction film, which was also released under the English title of The Adventures of Stella Star (in the US). The screenplay was written by Luigi Cozzi (pen name Lewis Coates) and Nat Wachsberger, and Cozzi also directed the film. The cast included Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro, Judd Hamilton and Robert Tessier.

It was filmed in Technicolor with Dolby sound, and has a runtime of 94 minutes. The US release is 92 minutes, and received an MPAA rating of PG. The film is generally regarded by critics as a campy Z movie with cheap special effects and a weak, derivative plot that some people find unintentionally humorous. It appeared a year after the original Star Wars and tried to re-mix the same elements, but without much success.

It has been compared to Plan 9 from Outer Space in the fact that it's a steaming pile of unwatchable crap.

This is an amazingly bad movie. It lacks any sense of reality, is rife with ridiculous dialog, and is filled with special effects that are extraordinary in their cheesiness. I have never grown tired of watching it and recommend it without reservation to anyone who enjoys other than fine films. Heck, even those who usually avoid the type of movies celebrated on this website should give it a try. It is that good at being bad.

People who love bad special effects will believe that they have died and gone to Heaven. Space is a glorious backdrop of colorful stars; it looks like somebody went nuts with a Lite Brite set (do not miss the constellation, in the shape of a J, that is visible in almost every scene). Most of the explosions, including spacecraft being destroyed, are realized through impressive displays of fireworks. It is rare for more than five minutes to pass without a flurry of laser beams criss-crossing the screen that result in fantastic showers of sparklers when they hit. Last, but not least, are the spacecraft models. The ships are insane clumps of cans, thread spools, and spare parts from plastic model kits (including the old space shuttle Columbia kit that I built as a kid). Some of the sprues are just glued onto the outside of the models to add chaotic detail. I think I saw tank treads still attached to one sprue. The result is something shaped like the 'spaceships' that are created by four-year-olds using basic LEGO blocks, except these masterpieces are painted a solid color.

The heroine, stupidly named 'Stella Star', is played by a near-naked Caroline Munro. She might be a smuggler, but she is also apparently the best pilot in the universe and looks pretty darn amazing in a black 'Leather Goddess of Phobos' outfit. The film also features Christopher Plummer and, somehow, David Hasselhoff.


"Top 10 Reasons Why Star Crash is Better Than Star Wars" from EuroCultAV.

Shooting took over six months and was frequently brought to a halt due to financing problems. The film was originally made for American International Pictures but after seeing the final cut they declined to release it. New World Pictures stepped in instead. The 1981 science fiction film Escape from Galaxy III was also known as Starcrash II. At the time, the film was panned by critics and bombed in the theaters but later gain a cult following.

In 2004, nationally syndicated television series Cinema Insomnia released a DVD version hosted by Mr. Lobo and featuring Reverend Steve Galindo, the handsome and large-penis-ed founder of The Church of Ed Wood. Star Crash was a fan favorite and inspired CInsomniac fan art, Secret screenings, Fake fantasy DVD covers, and Uploads to open source archives. All commercial DVDs were destroyed to comply with a 'cease and desist' order from New Horizon Pictures-successor in Interest to the defunct New World Pictures Library. Many entertainment experts have deemed Mr. Lobo’s treatment of this film as fair use and it is presented here for educational purposes."

Steve's Snacks Of The Week:


Coffee

Pills

More Coffee

Internet Porn

Fast Food Leftovers

Random Potato Chip Shards

Yet Even More Coffee



... AND NOW, Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's super special Church-less Movie of the Week in its entirety FOR FREE! Because I'm actually IN this movie, kinda, and because I rock is why.


But lets go over a few theater rules first. Firstly, there's absolutely no talking allowed in Steve's Theater during our feature and any and talkers WILL be given a mega wedgie. Also, no cell phones or African-American berries in the theater. No open flames. Gays are accepted, however. Dispose of all trash in its proper receptacle. And please, absolutely NO TEXTING! Very serious about that one.


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!