NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Random Ghost Stats (And Boobs) ...

Ok.

There are no boobs in this post, not will there be any pictures of boobs. I just put that in the headline to grab eyeballs, you know?

So.

Why are you here?

I ask that because, for some strange reason, this blog has been averaging between 600 and 6,000 hits a day. I repeat, A DAY! And those are some pretty impressive stats for an old blog where some stranger posts free bad movies and whines about cutting and big boobs.

The kicker in all this, though, is that my tracking software that tracks visitors and hits, the widget that gives me this blog's stats, apparently cannot handle the pressures of fame because it is giving me the numbers but it is NOT telling me WHY so many eyes are eyeballing this thing.

So.

So so so.

Here are my leading theories:

1) Press
This may be the case. After all, before I got married and started a family, my main drive, my main focus, was on spreading the word of Woodism, the religion I created in 1996 and during that time I did a ton of press. I was in National Enquirer, Rue Morgue, blurbs in Playboy and mentions in New Yorker. Heck, I wrote an article in the Huffington Post, for Wood's sake! I'm a negative Z list celebrity, so maybe there was a mention somewhere that I just don't know about.

And that leads me to ...

2) Ed Wood
Like I said, I created my own religion. I'm a cult leader. And I own the domain EdWood.org ... however, since I am following in my savior Ed Wood's high heeled footsteps by being a broke mother fucker, I have lapsed on paying the nearly $20 a month I have to pay (highway robbery) to keep it going. I make absolutely no money off of my religion. Well, actually, this year I have made a whopping $26 from my religion. Wow, right? So maybe all the blog views are stray Woodites looking for leadership. I doubt it, but it IS a possibility.

And finally, what may be the REAL reason ...

3) Boobs and Movies (and boobs)
Yeah. I occasionally post non-nude pictures of beautiful women. And I also post free bad movies and silly pictures and ramblings about family life and my struggles with cutting myself. But even if I write the longest and most touching blog post ever the mot popular posts will always be the boobs an the movies and the boobs. Sigh. So maybe I'm just overthinking things. Maybe it's just the boobs.

Sigh.

So that's that. Boobs, probably.

I am fine, though.

I mean, I'm broke as hell and my asthma is intensifying and I cannot afford my meds and our car might be taken away and I hate myself and my PTSD from the robbery has come back and I'm cutting myself again.

But whatever.

Boobs.

Wind Clan out.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Things My Wife Said While Watching "Rock Of Ages" ...

ACTUAL QUOTES, 6/17/13

"My eyes are burning!"

"Oh, Alec, no!"

"Russel Brandt sings better than I thought. But I didn't think ANYTHING, so I set the bar low."

"That's very Jack Donaghe-esque."

"TOWER RECORDS?!? That's painful memories!"

"Did that JUST happen?"

"I need something to drink. I CANNOT do this sober."

"Ooh Steve ... I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"This is so painful!"

"You love her? You hardly KNOW her?!?"

"Really? REALLY?!?"

"You have GOT to be kidding me?"

"A HAMSTER???"

"My eyes are twitching, Steve! MY EYES ARE TWITCHING!!!"

"HE'S SINGING TO HER BUTT!"

"This hurts. This just all hurts."

"This movie is why Katy Perry left him, right?"

"That's sad."

(eye roll, face palm)

"Poor girl had to kiss Tom Cruise."

"I WANT to VOMIT!"

Monday, June 17, 2013

Things People Don't Say ...

-I love having holes in my socks!

-Wow, e-surance should have a lot  MORE commercials!

-Barnes and Noble sure has a small amount of craft magazines!

-Wearing wet socks is awesome!

-I really hate gummy bears.

-Popcorn is gross!

-Why haven't they made a bile flavored toothpaste yet?

-That "50 Shades of Gray" is very well written!

-I wonder what Larry the Cable Guy's doctorate is in?

-Robin Williams is subtle.

-Man, that Justin Beiber is a real genius!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Age ...

Yesterday I worked a full day.

I clocked in at 1:55pm and clocked out at 10:52pm. It was a long and HARD day!

I got gas and I was at home by 11:50pm. I was in bed by 12:30am but I couldn't get to sleep. I had "land sickness" as it is called in the movie "Waterworld." I felt like I was moving and I couldn't stop. I probably got to sleep at about 1:30 or 2:00am.

I was awake at 6:30am for a long day of activities with the kids.

Today it's 99 degrees out.

And today my wife and I took our three kids and three of their friends to a bounce castle playground indoor inflatable whatever it's called place.

We played there for about two hours straight.

And of COURSE the kids all wanted to bounce around and run the obstacle course with me.

Then we went to a park.

Outdoors.

In the heat.

That was me running up and down stairs and walls for about an hour.

Then we went to my bookstore, where I had to chase my son as he ran around the store and up and down the cafe stairs.

This has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt one honest truth about me ...

I am getting FUCKING OLD!!!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

Yoinked from the almighty wikipedia gods ...

"The Land Unknown (1957) is a sci-fi, CinemaScope adventure film about a naval expedition trapped in an Antarctic jungle. The story was allegedly inspired by the discovery of unusually warm water in Antarctica in 1947. It starred Jock Mahoney and Shirley Patterson and was directed by Virgil W. Vogel.

The film is notable for its low-budget special effects, which include men in dinosaur suits, puppets and monitor lizards standing in for dinosaurs. William Reynolds recalled the studio spent so much money on their mechanical dinosaur that they couldn't afford to shoot the film in colour as they first planned."

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Random Sentences ...

-I am at the local library and I just saw a shirtless black boy named Tyrone run by with an "outie" the size of a D battery.

-Do we really want a fourth child considering how absolutely bitchy two-thirds of our three kids seem to act all the time?

-Competetive Bass Fishing is now a college sport somehow.

-I reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllly miss sex with my wife and I wish to Gawd that she had her sex drive back.

-The cartoon "Back to the Barnyard" is the absolute worst, right up there with EVERY LIVE ACTION KIDS SHOW EVERRRR (except The Weird Al Show)!

-All these damn tornadoes can seriously kiss my ass.

-I am highly proud to be living thru a summer that has so far shot down both Hangover III AND Will Smith's new brainless cinematic abortion. 

-There's lllloooots of flooding where I live.

-My stomach pretty much hurts all of the time now.

-For my birthday my wife hired an artist to create a massive portrait of Ed Wood in drag from "Glen or Glenda" which currently hangs in our living room ...

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week: Amazing Rerun Edition ...

Look, I know that I've shown this movie on this blog before, ok? But it's a crazy ass film and I can't wait to see it again. It's the PERFECT bad movie. It's pefectly horrible!


Embrace the badness, campsters! Embrace the badness.




Yoinked from stomptokyo.com, wikipedia, coolcinematrash.com, and my own bad movie knowledge ...


"The Giant Claw is a 1957 sci-fi film about a giant bird that terrorizes the world. Produced by Clover Productions under the working title 'Mark of the Claw' and released through Columbia Pictures, it starred Jeff Morrow and Mara Corday, and was directed by Fred F. Sears.


The film has been a staple of the bootleg video market with only two official VHS releases (one in the USA through Goodtimes Home Video and the other through Screamtime in the United Kingdom) to date. Columbia Pictures finally released the film officially to DVD in October 2007 as part of the two disc four film set Icons of Horror Collection: Sam Katzman.


An endless array of low-budget atomic beasts, oversized insects and invaders from space assaulted movie houses and drive-in screens during the 1950’s. But it’s hard to imagine any single threat more preposterous that the goofy, winged wonder at the center of The Giant Claw.




Making a giant monster movie is a lot like dating someone you meet in an Internet chat room. Just as there's no way of knowing that sexy 'Clarissa' isn't really a six-foot lumbering dairy farmer named Lyle until you meet her in person, monster movie stars must take it on faith that the film's effects technicians will produce a creature with an on-screen presence to match their acting. If things go well the result is a movie like Gamera, Guardian of the Universe.


If things go horribly, horribly wrong you end up with a film like The Giant Claw. The late Jeff Morrow and his surviving relatives have occasionally recounted the tale of the film's premiere: when Morrow got his first look at the astonishingly silly monster (and heard the guffaws of the audience), he quickly exited the theater and met his family in the parking lot afterwards.




The Giant Claw has gone down in history as one of the worst movies ever made, mainly because of its terrible special effects. The bird in particular is considered one of history's worst movie monsters, being an unconvincing marionette puppet with a very odd face. The film is riddled with stock footage, making continuity a serious issue.


Morrow later confessed in an interview that no one in the film knew what the titular monster looked like until the film's premiere. Morrow himself first saw the film in his hometown, and hearing the audience laugh every time the monster appeared on screen, he left the theater early, embarrassed that anyone there might recognize him.




Part vulture, part Looney Tunes Dodo, and all puppet, the Giant Claw glares at us with its googly eyes, flares the nostrils on its mushy beak, and mocks us with its shock of black hair. It speeds through the sky at impossible speeds, downing innocent airplanes as it fills the air with its horrid cartoon screech. You will recoil in horror – that is, if you can keep from doubling over with laughter. The explanation of the bird's origins (it's from an anti-matter universe) will extract further uproar from the audience, as will Mitch's eventual defeat of the bird's 'anti-matter force field' with little more than the help of a trusty sidekick and the love of a good woman.


Presumably, animator Ray Harryhausen, who Katzman had worked with successfully on Earth vs. the Flying Saucers and It Came From Beneath the Sea (1955), would have handled the special effects for The Giant Claw. Harryhausen was busy with another project (20 Million Miles to Earth, 1957) leaving cost conscious Katzman to make the inspired choice to hire a model-maker based out of Mexico City. The rest, as they say, is history.


No one involved with the production saw the final cut of the film (with all those very special effects) until it played in theaters. HA-HA! Burn on you, suckers!"




... AND NOW, Reverend Steve and this blog are both PROUD to once again present today's Church-less Movie of the Week absolutely FREE!

But first lets go over a few theater rules. Absolutely no talking is allowed. Any and all talkers will be dry humped to death. No cell phones or African-American berries going off in the theater. And NO TEXTING!


And be sure to dim your headlights (where applicable).


Well, there's nothing left to say but ...


ENJOY THE SHOW, Y'ALL!



Mad Screaming Death ...

These storms in Oklahoma are driving me crazy!

Yesterday a tornado hit near our home. Thankfully, my family and I were visiting family in Seminole, about a half hour away, so by the time that storm hit us it de-evolved from a possible tornado to just floods, power outtages, massive hail, and intense 70mph winds.

My kids freak out over all the storms and the possible tornadoes.

How can I comfort them when I'm just as freaked out as they are?

Last night was rough, man. I kept waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of a crazy super storm outside my window. I woke up at 3am, 5am, 6am, and right before my alarm.

I don't know if I can take any more of this.