NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, July 29, 2013

The Darkness ...

I'm depressed.

I'm so goddamn depressed.

I have no money, no prospects, no life. Nothing.

What happened to me?

The crux of all this is my job.

It's a good job. But it's a random job that gives me 38 hours one week, then 20 the next. Hell, I work 4 1/2 hours today. I sneeze that much in a day. I work a sneeze shift today. Shit, I work sneezes all this week.

I am a sneeze.

I need another job. Hell, I need like four new jobs.

But what do I do? Where do I go? Who will hire me?

Also, I'm living in Okla-fucking-homa now! The only jobs I see are goddamned laborer jobs and factory jobs and heavy lifting by rednecks with neck tattoo jobs. That's not for me.

So what the hell do I do?

That video store job would have been perfect. I could TASTE that damn job!

Unfortunately, after three interviews and a 100% verbal agreement that I would in fact be hired, the powers that be within Family Video decided not to hire me. And that stings. It stings like hell. And I can't help but think that if I were a white skinned guy who believed in Jesus that I would be hired. But, whatever. Past is past.

I would love to get a library job. I have the experience, the qualifications. But there are no openings, nowhere, ever, except for one opening by my house that requires a degree that I do not have.

SHIT!

I feel like such a failure.

I want to cry.

I want to cut.

Fuck me.

I'm sick and tired of being broke all the time.

I'd sell meth if I was any good at chemistry.

(That was a joke, btw.)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

"Maximum Overdrive is a 1986 American action-disaster-horror-science fiction film written and directed by novelist Stephen King. The film starred Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, Laura Harrington and Yeardley Smith. The screenplay was inspired by and loosely based on King's short story, Trucks, which was included in King's first collection of short stories, Night Shift.

Maximum Overdrive is Stephen King's only directorial effort, though dozens of films have been based on King's novels. The film contained black humor elements and a generally camp tone, which contrasts with King's sombre subject matter in books. The film has a mid-1980s hard rock soundtrack composed entirely by the group AC/DC, Stephen King's favorite band. AC/DC's album, Who Made Who, was released as the Maximum Overdrive soundtrack.

The film was nominated for two Golden Raspberry Awards including Worst Director for Stephen King and Worst Actor for Emilio Estevez in 1987, but both lost against Prince for Under the Cherry Moon. In 1988, Maximum Overdrive was nominated for "Best Film" at The International Fantasy Film Awards. King himself described the film as a moron movie and stated his intention to never direct again soon after.

In a 2002 interview with Tony Magistrale for the book Hollywood's Stephen King, King stated that he was 'coked out of [his] mind all through its production, and [he] really didn't know what [he] was doing.' In spite of this, however, King stated in the same interview that he 'learned a lot from the experience' and would 'like to try directing again sometime.'

Yup."

You're welcome.

The Best Damn Free Music Downloads Around ...

I have a new musical obsession. I cannot stop listening to his music. He dominates a good 30% of my music player right now. I love him. I cannot stop listening to him.

His name is Adam Warrock.

His story reminds me of Ed Wood.

Coming from someone else, that would be a diss. However, coming from the founder of a religion based on him, that is a very deep compliment.

Adam Warrock was once a lawyer making big bucks but he gave that up to follow his dream of being a rapper. He gave up serious money to do what he loves. That is in essence the absolute pinnacle of Woodism. And it moves me. It motivates me to be a better person.

He writes awesome, fun, catchy songs about the things that he loves, usually comic books and video games and movies, he occasionally samples a well known beat or two, and about 98% of the music he creates he gives away for free on his website.

Plus, and this is the really important part ...

... his music is damn good!

Once a year he has a donation drive. I found out about him about a year ago, shortly after the 2012 donation drive. I discovered him thru his amazing free album based on the show "Parks and Recreation" because I was deeply obsessed with it at the time. He has a song about Aziz Anzari's character that moves me to follow my dreams. Seriously.

Anyways, during his last donation drive I gave him $1. If I had more I would have given him more. But I love his music so much and he has brought me so much joy that the LEAST I could do is give this genius man a freaking buck.

He's amazing.

Here are a few of my favorite songs ...

Ultimate Nullifier
Bootleg
The Frasier
Mjolnir
Everything
Klosterman
Gideon Graves
Magneto Was Right
The Regular Show Way
Sex Bob-omb
Sinister 6 Megatrack
Maleficent
Paperman

The "Parks and Recreation" Mixtape
The "Slytherin" Mixtape
The "Kill Bill" Mixtape
The "Futurama" Mixtape

Also, and I hope you are still reading this, I have been doing storytimes for kids every week for well over 11 years. And in celebration of this I've compiled a big photo album of over 50 pictures and hilarious stories from over a decade of entertaining children and it would really help me out if you could click on it, check it out, and maybe share it with your friends ...

STORYTIME WITH MR STEVE 2003-2014

Seriously, if you could plllllleeeeease share the photo album on your Facebook page it would really help me out. It only takes a second and I am really trying to get my name out there. So a quick share would really help me out. Plus, it's pretty cute and fairly hilarious, so bonus.

Friday, July 26, 2013

On Being Broke ...

I am poor.

There is no denying it. I am poor.

I mean, when you're too broke to afford gas to get to your job, then you KNOW you're poor. And that's me. I am poor.

See, I had to get out of California. There were people there who held me down and saw me as this hideous bad guy, as this horrible person, when all I was doing was helping people and entertaining kids. My heart was broken and I broke a heart or two. It's bad stuff all around. I was like Wreck-It Ralph. I was the scapegoat. I was the bad guy of Arden Fair. I couldn't do anything right. I mean, I was robbed at gunpoint and my brave thinking saved lives and all I got was a hefty therapy bill and a demand to work harder.

Plus my wife and I could barely make ends meet where we were. And to make matters worse, we just had our third child but no relatives around us to share it with. See, people who move to Cali never STAY there. Never. All my family had moved back to Phoenix and all of my wife's family had inexplicably moved to Nowhere, Oklahoma because apparently God told them to. I wasn't happy about the idea of moving to white bread Okie-ville, but I knew I just had to get the hell out of California.

About 20 months later I find myself living in Oklahoma. It just sort of happened. Suddenly I'm here. I miss a few people in California. And I desperately miss my parents. And I miss having friends, money, places to go. I miss a lot.

I like my job fine. I do. But I'm underemployed and I'm struggling to make ends meet. I went from a lead, a manager, to a part time scrub. Now I need a second job. Hell, I need a second thru fourth job. Because being a snarky bastard who posts free movies and boobs on a blog isn't making me any money.

Any ideas?

Monday, July 22, 2013

A Few Truths ...

-My wife's boobs are crazy huge.

-I hate myself.

-Marvel comics is better than DC in every way.

-Nothing is hotter than driving in a car with leather interior during an Arizona summer.

-I try not to cut myself but I feel like I am stupid and must be punished.

-I am crazy broke as all get out, which makes it difficult for me to go to my work and help white yuppies shell out $75-$200 on books they'll never buy because THEY have money to burn, as opposed to me, who has been broke as hell for about a decade.

-Going to the zoo in the summer is a sort of torture that I don't wish on anyone except William Perry of Sacramento, California.

-I miss my mom and dad and brother and wish I could afford to go see them.

-I use WAAAAAY too much data on my phone, which pisses off my father-in-law like crazy.

-I wish I could just stay home most days.

-If it wasn't for my weekly storytimes I would just fucking snap.

-I am way too obsessed with bad movies.

-I kinda like cutting myself.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Oh, It's ON ...

Things are looking a bit UP for me.

For starters, we were able to raise the money needed to reinstate The Church of Ed Wood AND at a much smaller price a month to host. This has moved me to really dig deep and work HARD on finishing "The Ed Wood Bible," which I have been working on for about a decade now. I know that's a long time, but HEY, writing a Bible takes time.

Secondly, my wife is back from her cult-like Scentsy concentration camp festival dealy. She's back and she really does seem newly dedicated to working her business and selling the pants off of those things. Good for her.

Also, since my wife has been back she has been ...

... shall we say ...

... "frisky" ...

... and let's just say that it's good to be ME right now.

That is all.

Monday, July 15, 2013

The Church Of Ed Wood Is BACK ONLINE!

Not only did we raise the $$$ to get The Church of Ed Wood back online but yahoo was charging us WAAAAAY too much, so now it's not only back online but it's also waaaay cheaper every month!

It's an Ed Woodian miracle!

VISIT THE CHURCH HERE!

BUY OUR STRANGE MERCH HERE!

DOWNLOAD ED WOOD-RELATED MUSIC HERE!

... and may the Wood be with you!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Today's "Abridged" Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

Why go to church (yawn) when you can watch a bad movie?

Today's movie is one I saw this morning with my youngest daughter. She didn't understand the drama and espionage and the giant computer and the stuff about "across the pole" people ... but she loved the young boy and she ADORED Robby!

Here's the wikipedia entry for it ...

"The Invisible Boy (1957) is a science fiction film, directed by Herman Hoffman, and starring Richard Eyer and Philip Abbott. It is the second film appearance of Robby the Robot, the science fiction character who "stole the show" in Forbidden Planet (1956).

Released by Metro-Goldwyn Mayer a year after Forbidden Planet, this film's earlier title was S.O.S Spaceship. According to a subtle backstory, the robot in The Invisible Boy is the exact same robot as that in the futuristic Forbidden Planet, which is set in the 23rd century. He is brought back to the era of the film through time travel, which makes this a somewhat indirect sequel."

It's pretty strange. It's a kiddie film and it's a dark espionage story and it's a Robby the Robot picture and it's silly and moody and ... it's just a big, hot mess.

Enjoy it, people!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Broke Religious Depression ...

It's really starting to hit me.

I'm too broke to continue paying the extremely high amount yahoo wants every month to continue hosting edwood.org.

I lost my website.

I lost my religion.

I lost the one thing that made me truly ME.

I am a horrible, horrible person.

I would cut myself, but my wife is gone. So I have to wash dishes and make lunch.

But I feel so fucking worthless right now.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

Yoinked from the mighty wiki gods ...

"The Incredible Petrified World is a 1958 science fiction film directed by legendary schlockmeister Jerry Warren and starring John Carradine. It was only theatrically released on April 16, 1960, on a double bill with another Warren monstrosity, Teenage Zombies.

Jerry Warren was famous as director of several cult films and B-movies that are considered to be hastily made and extremely campy. His films are widely panned by critics, and have been lampooned and ridiculed. The Wild World of Batwoman was spoofed on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and his 1959 horror film Teenage Zombies was featured on the documentary The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made."

Random Recent Family Pictures ...

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Another Lonesome Time ...

This will be quick.

I still cannot afford wifi at my house, so we are at the library here in town.

This is creeping the shit out of me.

The fundamental problem I have with living in the midwest (everyone here likes to think they live in the south, as if being in the middle of nowhere, the middle of the whole damn country, can ever be considered "south") is race.

I am a very white-seeming brown skinned latino with no connections whatsoever to my own race. I don't speak spanish. I hate mexican food. I am latino by looks ONLY. I wear suits and ties, glasses, and listen to heavy metal and rap. I know all the lyrics to every Beatles song ever created. I read lots of Discworld books. I have my own religion, albeit one whose web domain I cannot afford. I have three kids, one of which is a white skinned girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.

I am an anomaly, especially in the midwest. I am a walking contradiction.

So, being in Oklahoma, the massive amount of white people and rednecks and old people and farmers and christian yuppies and white supremacists, they all stare at me, feeling both angry and confused ...

... and, here's the kicker, so do all the native americans! And all the blacks! And even the other latinos here! I go out in public and I get stared at, laughed at, the works. It's like I have a third hand coming out of my nose, the way people look at me. I am surrounded by Jesus-loving people who see me as evil, a stranger in a strange land.

And no place in Oklahoma is this more evident than here at the library on the free computers. I feel like I'm gonna be lynched at any second. There are people playing facebook games, vastly overweight people on rascal scooters, angry teens playing online games, rednecks screwing with their very old cell phones, and me, the mexican-looking guy with the khaki shorts and the thick ass glasses.

I feel like a freak living here. And I feel like as long as I'm NOT a white skinned 6'2" Jesus-loving OU student and douchebag in a pickup truck, then the stares will never end.

Anyhoo, hi.

How are you?

A few things:

1) Still no idea why my blog is so popular lately, although it's probably boob-related. Gee, thanks, guys.

2) Being broke sucks ass.

3) My big breasted wife is off on yet another lengthy road trip with her parents to the annual Scentsy convention, this year in Indiana I think. For those of you who do not know what Scentsy is, it's a wicklesss scented candle industry that is a cult that sucks women into it's organization with dreams of starting their own business at home, although from what I can see it's just a neverending money pit that never stops sucking away all your hard earned cash. Although it makes my house smell AWESOME! She is off in Indiana for five or so days. What's worse is that she took Maxwell with her, my 20-month-old son who is still breast feeding, which leaves me with both my daughters and no money. Hence, the library.

4) My oldest daughter, Emerald, has been obsessed over these past few months, with watching every episode of Gilmore Girls, the rapid-fire dialogue ridden chick show with the mother and daughter that are hot, the diner owner who died in the Saw movies, and Sookie who went and did Bridesmaids and who now is crazy famous despite the fact that she was great in Gilmore Girls like a DECADE ago. And last night, my daughter finally got to the last episode. She laughed, she cried, and she missed her mom so much that, despite the fact that she's almist 12, she slept in my bed last night, crying her eyes out. Whatever. Lorelai is hot.

5) Financial problems are troubling us. It's impossible to stay afloat with the small little paycheck I get every week. We had to take a loan out just to keep our second car. It's bad.

6) I'm cutting my arms and wrists again fairly regularly. If you want to know why, then just see #'s 2 and 5.

Well, that's about it. Gotta go.

See you later, everybody.

Here's an old video of me and my youngest daughter: