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Sunday, October 27, 2013

A Lengthy Post About Why Mazzio's Pizza Sucks Ass ...

I just came back from a Halloween store.

You know, one of those big Halloween superstore that is hastily assembled inside of an empty building about a month before halloween?

The thing is right by my work and yet I haven't gone inside until today. And when I finally did go inside of it ... I was just bored. There just didn't seem to be anything there that I liked or cared about.

Is there something wrong with me? Is this what getting old feels like, you don't like the things you use to like?

I'm scared.

Anyway this post today is going to be about a place called Mazzio's pizza.

It's also going to be about the difference between the midwest and the rest of america because Mazzio's is one of those stores, one of those restaurant, one of these places that is prevalent in the midwest and in smaller places but no one in the rest of the country has ever heard of.

That happens a lot.

Here's a list of places prevalent around here but, living almost all of my life in the southwest and the west coast, I had never heard of until now:

TACO MAYO
CHEEZIES
FAMILY VIDEO
BOOMARANG DINER
DOLLAR GENERAL (NOT a dollar store - what dafuq, right?)

And apparently Mazzio's pizza os part of that list.

I had a long talk with an employee of mine at the bookstore and he explained it to me away than made a lot of sense.

You see, you know how sometimes a small city won't be big enough to get a Dairy Queen so the get a Tasty Freeze? Well apparently a lot of cities in the midwest, a lot of smaller cities, ca'tn get a Pizza Hut so they get a goddamn Mazzio's. So they are popular but only because that's the only pizza they have. A lot of people in the midwest grew up with Mazzio's thinking that it's what pizza in supposed to taste like when in fact it's shit on cardboard.

I went to one about a year ago with my oldest daughter. This happened in Seminole, Oklahoma by the way. Back then my oldest was dabbling in a gluten free lifestyle back then and I had heard that they made a gluten free pizza.

But when I ordered one and sat down with my daughter, the cook in the back could easily be heard by the entire restaurant yelling:

"A gluten free pizza? Gimme a freaking break!"

Does anyone in the food service industry in the midwest understand what customer service mean? If I had a penny for every time I wanted service but instead got teenagers too busy chatting instead of helping customers then i'd be a goddamn millionaire.

Seriously.

Fuck Mazzio's.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

About The Breathing ...

Here is a little lungs update:

Today, Saturday the 26th of October,  marks the 12th consecutive day of not taking ANY asthma medication.

Not only that but today also seems to be the 12th consecutive day of not showing any symptoms of ever having asthma.

And I still have no fucking idea how I did it.

So yay me.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Another Library "Incident" ...

I have talked about the Shawnee, Oklahoma library on this blog before.

However, to summarize:
It's small,
their selection is tiny,
and the majority of the people there are scary as hell.

But I love it and i'm there all the time nonetheless, although occasionally the ghetto patrons really depress me.

But there was a little "incident" today i'd thought I would mention.

See, here's another thing about that library you should know...

90% of the employees are elderly women who seemingly spend most of their time on facebook.

Bela got incredibly upset today because one of these old grannies yelled at her, straight angry barked at her, Cujo-style.

We were in the children's area. There were toys all over the floor, per the norm, and Bela instinctively kicked one of them veeeerrrry lightly with her foot. Then this crusty old dustvaj woman barked hard at her not to kick the toys.

See, it was surprising primarily because usually these old women literally just gossip and do nothing and screw around on facebook and generally fuck around doing everything EXCEPT occasionally help people or do their job.

So it's strange to see one actually doing their job. What, was facebook broken?

But the thing is is that usually the kids section is filled with the WORST kids ever! It's full of kids with no supervision, rude little hellions, loud brats, really mean spirited ghetto kids and a bunch of lazy ass little fucks who scream and throw shit and leave shit everywhere and are literally a million times worse than my daughter's light kick. My kid didn't deserve this. 

Seriously.

Fuck everything.

And, for those of you still keeping score, in three hours I will have passed nine straight days of being completely asthma free.

I don't know how the hell I did it, but praise is deserved nevertheless!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

A Fairly Interesting Little Note ...

BTW, if any of you are keeping score at home, today is day SIX of me having no asthma medication.

SIX FREAKING DAYS! Not a single drop or squeeze or inhalation of anything!

FOR SIX WHOLE DAYS!

SERIOUSLY, THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!

I'm starting to get scared.

I mean, I've spent this last decade with crippling asthma. I've spent the last decade tied to a breathing machine and carrying inhalers everywhere I went. I've seemingly always had to think about breathing and concentrate to breathe. And now I've somehow miraculously gone almost a week without having any evidence of asthma.

I DO want to take a treatment or a puff of an inhaler. I constantly feel the NEED to run and take some sort of asthma medication. But, and this is the tricky part... I'm pretty sure that only my MIND wants to take it - my lungs are perfectly goddamn fine and I don't actually NEED to take it.

And THAT is what scares me.

You can't be CURED of asthma ... right?

Anyway, wish me luck.

Steve's Church-less Movie of the Week ...

Here's the usual cinematic madness for your punk ass.

Enjoy ...

"Creature of Destruction is a 1967 American made-for-television film directed by Larry Buchanan. It is an uncredited color remake of the equally bad 1956 film The She Creature which was directed by Edward L. Cahn. The film was one of a series of low budget colour remakes Larry Buchanan directed for American International Pictures in Dallas. The original film, The She Creature, was inspired by the success of the best-selling book The Search for Bridey Murphy, which concerned hypnotism.

The plot concerns an oily hypnotist whose experiments in hypnotic regression take his unwitting female subject to a past life as a prehistoric humanoid form of sea-life. He uses the physical manifestation of the prehistoric creature to commit murders, either for revenge or notoriety.

Aron Kincaid made the film as part of an out of court settlement he made with AIP. He filmed for two weeks to met his contractual obligations then left to return home. Larry Buchanan was upset as he still had three days of scenes for Kincaid to do. He accompanied him in the cab to the airport, taping the rest of his dialogue in the back seat."

Quite an impressive stinker, this one is. I mean, it's a really bad remake of a really bad movie. How often does THAT happen, right?

Good luck ...

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Congratulations All Around ...

A few things:

First off, this crazy old blog of mine, which I've been writing in since wa-a-ay back in freaking 2002 (!!!), just celebrated its 300,000th visitor since blogger started keeping track of such things.

I usually don't care about the amount of people, visitor tracking, and all that. But I feel that this is fairly momentous and should be recognized.

Also, not only am I still antidepressant free but today marks the fifth day that I have successfully gone without a single bit of asthma medication. Five days of (fairly) good, normal breathing.

Also, my kids should all be given a big old bucket of congrats for watching their first Marx Brothers movie last night. It was Animal Crackers. They absolutely LOVED IT! They loved Harpo's clowning, Chico's piano playing, and Groucho's all around Groucho-ness. I even spotted my youngest daughter screaming "ABIE THE FISH MAN!" over and over again this morning. My kids are awesome. And early this morning before work I went ahead and rented Horse Feathers, Duck Soup, and A Day at the Races to keep the fever going. I am so damn proud of my kids. They have taken their first steps into a larger world.

I'm proud of myself. All around.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The (Weak) Week ...

Here's a classic bit of awesome for you ...

"The Pod People (original title Los nuevos extraterrestres, literally The New Extraterrestrials) is a 1983 Spanish science fiction film directed by Juan Piquer Simón. A young boy discovers a lovable alien creature, but the alien's mother is on the prowl.

The film's original draft was meant to be a straightforward horror film about an evil alien on a murderous rampage, but the producers demanded script alterations in order to cash in on the success of Steven Spielberg's E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial by featuring a child and cute, lovable alien. Director Juan Piquer Simón was dissatisfied with the final result.

The film was largely forgotten until 1991, when it was lampooned by the famed B-movie-mocking television show Mystery Science Theater 3000. The film features the fictional pop band's performance of 'Burning Rubber Tires', which was lampooned in a sketch on Mystery Science Theater 3000 for its unintelligible lyrics, specifically the chorus, 'hear the engines roll now', which was interpreted by the MST3K cast as 'hideous control now', 'idiot control now' and other variations. The lead singer's after-song gesture of making the A-OK sign, smiling, and saying, 'It stinks' became a recurring in-joke on MST3K.

The film was distributed in the U.S. by Film Ventures International. In common with Cave Dwellers, another Film Ventures release spoofed by MST3K, the opening and ending credits for The Pod People are superimposed over blurred footage from an entirely unrelated movie, in this case The Galaxy Invader (1985). The latter film would later be spoofed by Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy for RiffTrax in 2011."

TRUMPY, YOU CAN DO STUPID THINGS!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Dangers of Quitting Antidepressants ...

It's 10:30 and I miss my wife terribly.

I miss her so damn much I want to cry, want to scream, want to cut myself or break shit or fucking die.

Do not be alarmed.

That's probably just the lack of Paxil talking.

I have been 17 days without taking it. I'm proud. I am super crazy damn proud of that. Kicking an antidepressant is a goddamn bitch! I could HEAR my brain SCREAMING, hear the synapses misfiring, hear my eyeballs move, crazy happenings. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. But I really think I did it.

I just started hating all the antidepressants and the mood stabilizers and all the rest of it. I dont want to be dependant on drugs anymore. I felt like I actually forgot how it felt like to feel emotions without the help of pills. How long was I taking Paxil? Six years? Seven years? Maybe eight?

Now I just wish that I wasn't taking asthma meds. That's my only dependant anymore.

Well, that and coffee.

And porn.

But, in my defense, I only take maybe one or two breathing treatments a week now as opposed to, what, the two or three a fucking DAY that I used to do! I had to take my nebulizer machine with me. I was glued to that thing. I was a goddamned Astroboy robot person. I couldn't breathe so much you could have called me Vader.

So, you know, that's something, right? There's SOME improvement there. A fine amount of improvement, I think.

I took a breathing treatment last night... so lets see how long it takes to do another one, ok?

Sorry this is so long.

I miss my wife so much.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The Most Dangerous Cult In Oklahoma ...

I'm worried about writing these words.

The people who follow this cult are dangerously loyal. They have patterened their whole lives and identities around this one institution. Living in Oklahoma, I know that bad mouthing this group of people can seriously threaten your safety.

But here it goes ...

The biggest cult in this state is the fanatic cult known as OU football.

Everyone around me bases their whole LIVES on this little college football team. It's strange, especially to an outsider from a state with a major NBA team, a major NFL team, a hockey team, a women's basketball team, and every other sort of team you could think of. It's strange that a state with a major NBA team is twice as obsessed with a small college football team as they are with their awesome basketball team. But that's Oklahoma. That's the midwest. That's life around here.

I mean, I KNOW that they have a huge history and are a major collegiate football team and tradition and history and blah blah blah but I guess I just don't understand why college sports are valued so much around here, even more so than more mainstream and reputable sports like the NFL or the NBA. I don't get it.

But I do know that on a major game day the whole of Norman pretty much STOPS!

You have not fully known the meaning of the word "BOREDOM" until you have worked for a major retail store in Norman, Oklahoma during the college football season. Today is the apparently big OU vs. Texas game and the streets are like The Walking Dead all up in here.

In fact, I just had a call from a mom wondering if, because of the OU game, we were cancelling today's storytime.

That's nuts. I just don't get sports, let alone sports fanaticism, let alone COLLEGE sports fanaticism. Sometimes it seems as of everyone here is a weirdo except me.

Or, hell, maybe I'm the strange one. I guess I should just give in, get OU tattooed on my face. And then become an upper class white Christian male.

(Gee. That last one is gonna be harder for me, the white part at least)

This is post #2,110 on this blog, by the way. So yay me.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Saturday, October 5, 2013

The Not-So Neighborly Neighbor Kids ...

So I live in the ghetto.

The townsfolk apparently like to call my neighborhood "meth row."

Great nickname, right?

However, in my defense, it's a quaint, midwestern version of the ghetto. This Okie ghetto is nowhere NEAR the ghetto in, say, California or Arizona. No, my neighbors are poor and mostly black. There are a few ghetto-ish people but all in all most of them seem to be fairly friendly and inviting. Nice, simple, poor folks.

Plus, and I know I've said this a bunch of times before, but the people across the street own a fucking GOAT! Living in white suburban America all my life, that goat is a continuous source of amazement to me.

But we've had these really nice people next door...

... prrretty nice...

...well, fairly nice.

They were an african american family. No dad. There was a mom, two sons, and a young daughter. The mom was nice enough. Civil. She was prone to long telephone talks with her baby daddy, conversations at all hours of the night that would start out normal but would eventually escalate into massive shouting and screaming and crying matches. I felt bad for her. I also tried to stay away. Hey, your ghetto-ness is not my problem.

But despite the argu-screams, I absolutely loooooved this family.

Mostly that was on account of her kids. The oldest was about nine, a boy that seemed outgoing and smart. The youngest son was about seven. He was quiet. The daughter was outspoken and at times a troublemaker. She was five year old and, apparently not having regular access to older father figures, would always try to hold my hand or sit on my lap. They were all pretty close together in age. They were friendly and nice.

And they LOOOOOOVED my kids, especially Maxwell! Man, they would play with him and hug him and fight against each other to see who would hold him.

It was ADORABLE!

When we got word recently that they were moving we were all heartbroken.

Our sadness made it easy to agree to babysit the kids after school this past week while their mother worked.

Yesterday we were supposed to go to a birthday party. No one informed us that their mother would be working almost two hours later than usual. You'd think that would be something you'd inform someone of, right? AND THEN while I was taking care of them and playing with them and stuff, I caught one of them, the youngest boy, trying to steal Maxwell's toys. Caught him red handed. One of my son's FAVORITE TOYS, no less!

Later that day we all went outside to play. But this was all a ruse. While I played outside with them, my wife went thru their backpacks.

That would be considered cruel and possibly racist ... if we weren't fucking RIGHT!

There was a massive pile of toys, of MY TWO YEAR OLD SON's favorite goddamn toys, hidden in their goddamn backpacks!

And because we own such strange hipster crap there was absolutely no way that the toys could have actually been theirs, either. I mean, why would a five year old girl have an old McDonald's ninja turtles toy with oatmeal all over it from when Maxwell threw it in his mother's food? And a limited edition miniature Mothra chibi doll? No way.

Fucking little ghetto thief bastards!

You know what? I'm GLAD you're moving now that I know your true colors.

Assholes!

Friday, October 4, 2013

Maxwell's Eye Appointment ...

Did you know that most eye doctors can accept patients as young as six months old?

With this in mind, here are pictures from two year old Maxwell's eye doctors appointment...