NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Christmas 2014 Pictures ...

2014: A Retrospective ...

It's New Year's Eve. I'm at Auntie and Uncle's house. And I figured what a better time to take stock of my year and what's happened to me.

Ready?

Then lets do this ...

First off, I have my own podcast called "The Pope on Film" that's just a whole bunch of fun.

I just recorded episode 13 and it's pretty damn good if I do say so myself. We talk at length about movies, good and bad, new and old, and along the way we talk about whatever pops into our heads like Mel Gibson and racism and 9/11 and porn. It's fun and worth a listen and the simple fact that I have my own podcast has really brightened up my self esteem, you know? I have my own freaking podcast! How freaking cool is that?

Work is good.

I got a promotion and a raise and now I'm working a full week's worth of work every week. It's difficult to have gone on for so long without working regularly to then just jump in and suddenly do a bajillion hours of work. It's hard as hell and my legs and knees are trading off being jello, but it feels SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD to be back in charge of my own department again. It really does feel damn good to be back in the swing of things.

My personal life is good.

I have friends. I don't think I could have said this a year ago but yes. I have friends. I have people who care about me. I have a bit of a life. That is definitely different from the me before. I have people that hang out with me and want to spend time with me and go to movies with me and actually want to hear me and my crazy ass stories. I have a life. That is awesome.

I mean, sure there's problems.

Money. Bills. Time. There's no time. I miss my kids. I miss my parents. My storytimes are suffering from bad weather. My relationship with Natasha is ... a constantly frustrating enigma. Plus the kids are just constantly fighting with each other, meaning I never get any silence in my house. Emerald is grounded and so she's throwing the biggest shitfit ever about it. No internet in my house. It's all just horrible. And the weather. THE WEATHER! IT SUUUUUUUUCKS!!!

But things are getting better for me.

And that's not bad.

Monday, December 29, 2014

The Definition Of "Rough Christmas" ...

I woke up early and worked late Christmas Eve.

Then I stayed up until 3:30am wrapping presents (and getting drunk).

Then the kids woke me up at 8am on Christmas Day.

Then, after the unwrapping, I stayed awake playing with the kids all day.

Then we went to the in-laws where they had an unusually late Christmas dinner and more unwrapping. We didn't get home until after 11pm. I went to bed, finally, around 11:45pm.

Then I woke up at 5am the day after Christmas so that I could be to work super early and do, basically, everything.

This was my Christmas. It is the very DEFINITION of a rough Christmas.

I am JUST NOW getting back to normal.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Are You Listening ...

Hey!

It's me.

Hey, man, I should be getting internet back on in my house in a few weeks, so prrrrrrrretty soon this blog will be back to normal, so don't worry about all that. This place will be up and kicking soon enough.

Meanwhile, however, I have a question for you ...

ARE YOU LISTENING TO MY AWESOME ASS PODCAST?!?!

If you're not, then you should.

It's called "The Pope On Film" and it's funny as hell. It's on iTunes. And it has it's own Facebook page, so like it there as well. It's also available on YouTube if you don't do the iTunes thing.

Do me a solid and go check it out.

It's good stuff.

Friday, December 12, 2014

About Me (Smallest To Biggest) ...

-My Name is Steve.

-I am originally from Arizona.

-I am 37 years old and I currently live in Oklahoma.

-I have my own podcast that you should listen to.

-At the Oklahoma DMV I once legally changed my race to White.

-My birthday is on March 22nd, the same as Andrew Lloyd Webber and William Shatner.

-I thrive on what many have described as a dangerously high amount of popcorn and coffee.

-I used to be a cutter but I'm not anymore. It's been a number of months since I've hurt myself like that.

-I dress in suits and ties on a regular basis. As suck, I am usually way over-dressed for my job as a semi-manager at a bookstore.

-I have successfully avoided ever seeing the following movies: Swingers, The Sixth Sense, Napoleon Dynamite, and all of the Transformers movies.

-I created my own religion as a joke in 1996. But in 1997 I made it a legitimate religion and now The Church of Ed Wood boast over 4,000 followers worldwide.

-I never saw the movie Napoleon Dynamite because, being a skinny Latino man, I was sick and tired of everyone telling me that I looked like the character of Pedro.

-I have a daughter that is about to be thirteen. She is too smart and gorgeous for her own good. I also have a younger daughter that is nine and a wild child. Then there's my son Maxwell. He's three, crazy about Godzilla, and insanely cute and hyper. They are my entire life.

-I have a love/hate relationship with my race. For example, my real name is Esteban but you might as well call me Cheech because my real name acts as a big billboard that says "I am a Latino who is WELL VERSED in my own culture and takes pride in my heritage" when in fact I know next to nothing about my heritage.

-My love of movies came from my mother. She loved movies and didn't feel like letting the fact that she had a very small child stop her from going to the movies. So as a veeeery young child I saw a number of films (The Color Purple, Chariots of Fire, Poltergeist) that I probably was too young to see. But that started me.

-Part of the reason for me never learning Spanish was because of some sort of mental block in my head. I subconsciously refused to learn a lick of it. HOWEVER, another large part of the reason I never learned Spanish was because my parents used Spanish as their own secret language that they could use to be offensive and cuss around their youngest child without me knowing. My wife and I used to do the same thing with sign language that my parents did with the Spanish language.

That's going to have to be it for now.

More later ...

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Michael Brown And Racism ...

I want to talk about Ferguson and I want to talk about racism.

But first I need to discuss something that happened recently that I can't get over. This is horrible and it BEGDS to be discussed with Ferguson.

About a week or so ago I posted a news article on my Facebook about an incident that occured recently ...

http://www.alternet.org/news-amp-politics/georgia-man-shoots-latino-22-year-old-dead-pulling-wrong-driveway-gets-500-fine

Here is the story ...

This is a story out of Georgia. The incident occured in 2014.

A young Mexican man and his friends pulled into a driveway and waited for their friend to come out so they could go ice skating. It was the wrong driveway and the white homeowner came out and shot the car numerous times, killing the innocent, unarmed young Latino man.

The man who fired the gun was recently sentenced.

He will get a $500 fine and be put on probation. 

That's it.

He murdered an innocent young man in cold blood and he got a small slap on the wrist.

And the worst part about this story is how no one cares.

There is no media scrutiny about this shocking miscarriage of justice. There are no protests. Peoplr aren't calling for justice.  There are no newspaper articles and editorials about it. This dead man's face isn't on magazine covers and you will probably never see his face on your television set.

Why?

Because he's Mexican. So no one cares.

Because in America it is still perrrrrrfectly acceptable to be racist towards Mexicans.

So as I see live footage of the Ferguson riots and protests I get really depressed. I am filled with sadness. It hurts.

But I'm not sad for the miscarriage of justice and I'm not sad because of the loss of life.

I am sad because if Michael Brown was a Mexican then no one would have cared. No one would have given a rat's ass about Ferguson. No one would have batted an eye over another dead Mexican. None of this would have happened. None. Because who cares if an unarmed young Mexican dies?

And I am sad because if the Mexican man, the young man who was shot and killed in Georgia for simply pulling into a driveway, if he was black, then THE WORLD WOULD BE OUTRAGED! There would be protests and the media would have a field day and the entire globe would demand justice.

Sigh.

I am a Mexican, the most hated race in America.

This is all messed up.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Random Thoughts ...

Hi.

It's me again. Steve.

I know I haven't posted in quite a while. Still no internet. But I wanted to fill you in on what's going on in my life lately.

Sigh.

Lets do this ...

-Cold. It's getting cold. Super cold. In fact, they're saying it might snow here in Oklahoma in a day or two. And maaaaaan, I'm from Arizona. I don't do cold and I definitely don't do snow. Nope. Don't do it. I al really freaked out about this.

-I miss my parents, my mom and dad and my older brother Joe. I haven't seen them for about three years. My son barely knows them. It's sad. I just can't afford to go see them.

-Speaking of money, my family is sooooooooooooo close to getting out of our financial burdens. I mean, I'm the manager of my own department now AAAND I've gotten a nice little raise, too, as well as the 40-something hours a week I'm working now. So the financial burden s we're currently fighting with will eventually be loosening ... unfortunately, those big paychecks are going to take a while to get here. So right now we're screwed. No internet, no home phone, and a car payment that I'm struggling to meet. Man, these bills are really breaking my back here.

-For a year I was a stay at home father who would work 8-18 hours a week at his job. Now, suddenly, I'm a full time manager(ish), an employee at a highly stressful retail environment, and I'm working 40+ hours a week. My knees randomly scream in pain. My calves are constantly aching. I'm slowly running out of hits on my asthma inhaler, so I'm trying to ration them because I won't have health insurance for another two months or so. I'm just tired now. All the time. I did this job successfully for almost a decade ... but I was in my twenties them. Now I'm in my thirties and my body just isn't used to all this work. Man.

-I just lost someone very important to me. They didn't die. I just screwed up and ruined a really good thing. I was scared and stupid and so I destroyed what most days felt like the one good thing I had in my life. Now there's a hole inside me and it's a constant reminder of how much of a coward I am. And an asshole.

-Elf on the Shelf. How fucking creepy is that, amIright?

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Maxwell's Surgery Went Well...

This is a follow up. I didn't mean to alarm anyone with that last post.

Maxwell is fine.

He was brave. His teeth were fixed. And literally about an hour after surgery he went from loopy and teary eyed to hyper abd junping up and down.

He is an awesome boy.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Surgery Morning ...

We were up at 4am. Maxwell was woken up around 4:30. I was worried about how the evening was going to go, what with the instructions that he couldn't have any food or liquids, including water, after midnight, but he did fine. In fact, he woke up bright eyed and uber-hyper, a mood that continued throughout the morning. He was even cracking jokes on our forty five minute drive to the hospital in Oklahoma City.

Basically, my three year old boy has extremely weak enamel, so his top teeth have been quickly eroding. They have to put caps in and fillings and a bunch of stuff. And since he's so young he has to be knocked out for it.

So here I am at a hospital in Oklahoma City waiting in the waiting room outside of the surgery center.

He woke up so happy. I was worried that he'd have a bad night but he had a good night's sleep. He was laughing and joking around on the drive home. When we went back to the doctor's officr he took some loopy pain meds that made him act like he was drunk. Told him that the nice doctor people were going to take him to a special room. The nicest and sweetest male nurse ever held him and took him to the surgery room. And that's that.

He didn't cry, didn't complain, didn't have anything to eat or drink since midnight but he didn't complain or freak out about that at all. And when they took him away from me he gave me a thumbs up.

I cried. And now I'm just here waiting.

But I know he's in good hands.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

It Is A Dark Time Once Again ...

Hi everybody.

How are you?

Look, I don't have a lot of time to talk.

I'm currently blogging at the super ghetto Shawnee Public Library, so there's definitely a time factor in play here IN THAT I don't know how long I can survive being here in this damn stink library.

So let's just hit the basic bullet points real quick.

Ready?

Let's do this ...

1) We are low on funds. We are verrrrrry low on funds, actually. So no money for internet. Actually, there's no money for internet for quite a while. Sigh. It is a dark time for me and my love of Netflix and torrents.

2) I was the manager in charge of the kids department at my old store in California. Then I moved to Oklahoma and gave up the position because it wasn't available. Cut to nearly three years later and guess what? I'M BACK, BABY! I am once again the head honcho of the kids section. How cool is that?

3) This is going to be a difficult time for me. I spent a year as a stay at home dad. But now I am back to working 40 hours a week. I'm going to miss my kids. Plus, I'm not the spring chicken that I used to be. I feel like a different person than the person who used to work 40 hours a week in a high stress level job in California. I'm older. I'm 37. I get tired a lot easier. I have bones and joints that pop. I'm not entirely sure that I have the stamina to do this anymore. But I am definitely going to try and give it my best. So wish me luck.

4) I have been donating plasma here and there to make ends meet. I know it's pretty ghetto of a thing to do but man, what an experience. It's a good deed, I'm helping people out, plus I'm making a fairly decent amount of money doing it. It's quite an adventure, one that I definitely want to expand on in more detail later on, like maybe when I have the internet soon, which will hopefully be soon.

That's all.

More soon.

Hopefully.

Monday, October 27, 2014

My Podcast: Episode Four (With Movie) ...

Hello everybody. And welcome back, people!

Yaaay! Here it is, episode freaking FOUR of my new damn podcast! And, again, forgive me for geeking out a bit here but ... how cool is this, huh? I have my own podcast! And this is episode four!

Aaaaaawesome!

In episode four, my partner in crime Bunny and I discuss awkward massages, six year olds with coffee, comic bookss, and the amazingly, jaw droppingly horrible 1976 movie "A*P*E" ...

That's a really good episode. Right? Honestly, the more episodes we do of this podcast, the more comfortable we get with talking about a bunch of random ass things. This show really, really is getting better with time.

Good stuff.

And now, if you liked the podcast and are interested in learning more about today's broadcast, I now proudly present to you the actual movie that was discussed, the absolutely, unbelievably hideous 1976 film "A*P*E" ...

Enjoy!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Now You Can Like My Storytimes On Facebook ...

Hey!

Guess what?

I have a nice, big, professional Facebook page for my amazing weekly storytimes now!

How awesome is that, huh?

It got over 100 likes in less than a week!

I'm really going places!

So go and like my storytimes on Facebook!

And here are some recent pics ...

Please please please please PLEEEAAASE go and like it.

Thank you for your time.

Watching Firefly For The First Time: "Out of Gas" ...

Hello and welcome back!

Do you know what time is it, my friends?

Yes! It is time once again for me, Reverend Steve, to watch an episode of Firefly for the first time.

It's been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.

Yaaaaay! I just love all these Firefly posts, don't you? They seem to be pretty popular, lots of page hits for these babies, so I guess you do.

So, yeah. Awesome.

Anyway, it's been well over a month now since I started taking my first steps into the world of movies and tv shows that I've never bothered to watch. I have a real problem with popularity when it comes to pop culture. I've stayed away from a lot of things just because if their popularity. But I'm trying to change and to open my mind to new experiences and actually watch some of the crap I've always avoided for various reasons. And the first one that I have decided to try and watch is Joss Whedon's cult hit Firefly.

Here's how its been so far ...

The first pilot episode was just ok. Then I saw the second pilot episode, and that was much better. The third episode was a damn funny blog post. Then the next one I saw had boobs, so of course it was good. Then the next one I saw was a funny episode that I liked. And then the next one I saw was good, too. It had Zac Efron and junk. And the last one, the Jayne-centric one, was a bit of cheesy fun.

I bing-ed this episode (Get it? Because "Google" as a verb is to mainstream) and apparently today's episode, entitled Out of Gas, "differs stylistically from the rest of the series, in that it tells its story alternately in three timeframes: events in the present, events in the near-past that led to the present, and events in the past that led to the formation of Serenity's core crew."

Hmmmm ... this should beeeeeeee ... interesting?

So now it's time. Come, my invisible internet friends. Come sit by the fire or, in this case, the warm glow of your electronic device. Let us all sit down, watch another space cowboy episode, make fun of Tucson, Arizona (which I manage to do in every post), and have some stupid fun riffing on Firefly.

Lets do this ...

Opening narration is Mal. I like Barney Miller's narration better but what are you going to do, right?

So the ship is floating in space. It looks empty. And Mal collapses? And already there's a flashback. Jeez. This looks to be an episode where I'll have to think. I hate thinking. I don't regularly watch stuff to have to solve some puzzle or change my way of thinking or figure out the mystery. I watch entertainment to be entertained. I'll watch "Lobster Man from Mars" a million times before I'll see "Memento" twice. Anways, Mal and Zoe walking into the ship for the first time. Nathan Fillion looks to be about nineteen right here. Gawd. What a n00b!

I just want to point out that I'm watching this with closed captioning on and, when it was revealed right before the credits that Mal is bleeding, the closed captioning said "[grunts] [straining] [liquid splashing]" and that's just creepy. I think my closed captioning just sexually harassed me. I feel used, sexually, just from having to read that. Eww. Can someone say JAPANESE WEBSITE?

Shot of Mal staggering, then another flashback, this one slightly before whatever happened in the beginning. Loud dinner. Laughing. The doctor tries to tell a funny story and gets shot down. Ha ha, dumbass! You're vague and not well written! You're the Tucson of this show.

Thought I'd get the Tucson crack out of the way early this time.

It's the doctor's birthday. A lame ass cake. Then there's an explosion. Zoe gets hurt. Ehh. She doesn't have anything going for her, No great loss there. Then we get a shot of some of the worst, most CGI-looking fire this side of those lame Fantastic Four movies. Man those sucked, right?

Another flashback, this time showing us Wash with a mustache. Hiiiiiiiideous!

Now the flashbacks are coming fast. Adrenaline shots straight out of Pulp Fiction. Mal in the present dying. Zoe might die. And they're running out of air. It's the poor man's sci-fi cowboy Momento.

Hooray, he said sarcastically.

Sorry. I'm having a really hard time following this episode. There's three timelines happening at the same time. It's hard to follow a bit, you know?

Plus my son is LITERALLY crawling all over me right now.

See ...

It's a bit distracting.

So they hired an engineer. He's a shirtless beach bum. He's like the physical embodiment of a Jack Johnson song. He's like a human version of the turtle from Finding Nemo. He's a joke. But he's banging some chick and apparently that chick turns out to be Kaylee. Umm, aaaaawkward! But cute.

More flashbacks. Mal is going to go down with the shit. Oh, I meant ship. But I didn't correct him because "down with the shit" seemed funnier. Then there's the spacewhore. Great. I really don't care too much about how the spacewhore came to be on the ship. She's a soft talker. I don't like that. And Jayne gets an origin story, too. Man, he's a freaking ham. Seriously.

Mal gets saved, but the people who come to save him are kinda being dicks about it and, oops, they shoot Mal. It's a gutshot. And, believe me, I know a thing or two about gutshots, so I know it's going to hurt like hell but it takes forever to die from. Also, the song "Like A Virgin" is about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick, but that's not applicable to this particular episode of Firefly, nor will it ever be, I'm guessing.

Anyhoo, Mal gets a gun and the tables have turned ...

He gets his part, the bad people leave, and sure he's bleeding out but he has his part. Then he passes out.

When he awakens he gets a scene right out of the ending of The Wizard of Oz. Everyone's there. They came back for him. It's straight out of Oz, man, seriously. It's so cheesy. But good enough of an ending, along with a final scene where Mal buys the ship and starts all this. It's a real circle of life sort of thing.

AND CREDITS!

Well, ok. Overall I think that this was a pretty good episode. It was hard to follow, partially due to my loud, screaming baby, but I liked the flashbacks. I like seeing a different side of Mal other than the gruff but honor driven captain. I like seeing more of him. Screw everybody else. I want more Nathan Fillion.

Good stuff. I liked it.

More soon ...

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

My Podcast: Episode Three (With Film) ...

Hello everybody! I'm baaaack!

Look, I know I haven't been posting too much lately. But hey, I've been busy kicking ass and taking names. Because I make reciepts for all the ass kickings that I give. For tax purposes, you understand. I have to be thorough.

Anyway, here is episode THREE of my new podcast.

Forgive me fr geeking out a bit here but ... how cool is this, huh? I have a podcast! And this is episode three! Awesome!

In episode three, I discuss the history of the church, the story of the dirt bar (which is where a large portion of my twenties occurred), and the absolutely crazy Monkees film "Head" that is, surprisingly, prrrrrretty amazing.

That was a good episode, right? The more we do episodes, the more comfortable I think I get with talking about things. We are getting better with time. It's really something I'm proud of, honestly.

Good stuff.

Damn good stuff.

And now, if you liked the podcast and are interested in learning more about today's broadcast, I now proudly present to you the actual damn movie that was discussed today, the absolutely crazy 1968 psychedelic film "Head" ...

Enjoy!

Monday, October 13, 2014

My Podcast: Episode Two (With Film) ...

So my first episode of my brand new podcast premiered last week and I got a few good reviews. I got "Pretty fucking funny stuff" and "I didn't turn it off, so I must like you." Sooooooo, basically, comedy gold.

And so, my new podcast, called "The Pope On Film," is n ow available on iTunes and on YouTube. We even have our own Facebook page which you should like right now as well as our own Feedburner, so you have no excuse NOT to listen to the goddamn thing. I mean fuck, it's FREE! What the hell is YOUR problem?

So please please please please pleeeeease, if you have an iTunes account, then PLEASE go and subscribe to the thing. Every week I will be talking about movies (and getting drunk) with my partner in crime Bunny Williams. It's a darn good show, its pretty damn funny, and if you don't subscribe to it then ISIS wins. They do. FACT! And do YOU want the terrorists to win? HUH? DO YOU?!?

Anyway, here is episode two of "The Pope On Film." It's a much better episode, in my opinion, than episode one. We get into a heated and lively discussion about the hideously wonderful movie "Rock of Ages" ...

Good stuff.

Damn good stuff.

And now, if you liked the podcast and are interested in learning more about today's broadcast, I now proudly present to you the actual damn movie that was discussed today, the embarrassing 2012 musical comedy "Rock of Ages."

Man! This is a baaaaaaad movie right here.

Enjoy ...

Click here to watch ROCK OF AGES for free! (Beware - there's a pop-up ad or two)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

What I Did This Week (In Pictures) ...

Isabela and I participated in National Walk To School Day, which is apparently a thing ...

I created a legitimately creepy coloring page for my storytimes ...

Maxwell was brave at the dentist, took everything like a champ, and fell in love with the tube thingy that sucks out all th spit from your mouth ...

Maxwell got in the habit of, if he's going to play with one toy, he had better have ALL his toys there just in case ...

I snuck into my daughter's room and pulled another prank on her by sneaking a decal on her window ...

I portrayed a famous bounty hunter looking for a certain pigeon ... and when I removed my helmet, MAJOR LAUGHS!

All in all, a pretty darn good week.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Not Feling Woodmas This Year ...

Hey.

It's me.

And I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling Woodmas this year.

Maybe it's my bipolar disorder talking, but I'm just feeling extrrrrremely sad and depressed lately.

It has to do with my family. I don't feel like they care about me at all anymore. I mean, I do sooooooo much for my kids, for my daughters, and for Natasha. I do so much! I care about them and I care about how they are. But do any of them care AT ALL about how I feel, about how I'm doing, and do any of them do anything for me? Very little to not at all.

I guess I'm just feeling unappreciated.

At work. At home. Everywhere.

Ehh. I'll be fine. Maybe it's just my bipolar flaring up like a bug bite.

Or maybe my family should actually respect me.

Anyway here's a link or two to previous posts from when I was actually in the spirit. I hope they do the trick for you.

I'm just going to sit here and be depressed for a while.

Don't mind me.