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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

"Hot" And "Ready" And "Finger Quotes" (And The Futility Of AT & T) ...

This is an entirely true story.

Unfortunately.

Yesterday my wife sent me off to go get some Little Caesars Hot & Ready pizzas.

Although the Little Caesars was closer, I thought that I would give the local Kmart a chance. Hell, I have fond memories of Kmart from my childhood. I spent SOOOO MUCH time there growing up. They were THE store. And now there's hardly any around. I thought, what the hell, the Shawnee Kmart has a Little Caesars. Why not give them a chance, right?

The sole woman working there told me that she had no Hot & Ready pizzas ready and that I would have to wait 15-20min. for my alleged "Hot and Ready" pizza.

Notice the use of finger quotes there.

"Hot" and "Ready" pizza.

Still, I'm a patient guy. I thought that I would STILL give them a chance. I WANT Kmart to wow me. I WANT Kmart to work its way back into my heart. And besides, I figured that the time they gave me was probably an overshot. You know, like when a ride at Disneyland says the wait time is an hour and it ends up being only 45min.

So I walked around the Shawnee Oklahoma Kmart.

Wow!

There is SO MUCH wrong with that place! Where to start ...

The place smells.

Seriously, the place smells just like you remember a Kmart smelling. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

The place is both empty and full.

The place is empty of customers, save the elderly and the "don't wanna drive all the way to Wal-Mart" people. The place is clean ... of customers. Seriously, it was like shopping at the mall from the original "Dawn of the Dead." And yet they have the place 175% stocked, laughably overstocked, products from floor to roof. I mean, what is this, freaking ghetto Sam's Club WITHOUT the low prices?

The place is a time warp.

Really, the inside of a Kmart is like a goddamn time warp! It's like it's 1981 and Wal-Mart doesn't exist and everything seems old and cramped and lame.

It's sad.

So I gave up on Kmart and just sat down and waited for my pizza.

I waited 26 fucking minutes for a "Hot" and "Ready" pizza.

It completely ruined my entire night.

I waited almost a half hour for a "Hot and Ready" pizza that was advertised as being both "hot" and "ready".

And there's more, too.

While I was waiting for my "hot" and "ready" pizza, a customer with a prevalent neck tattoo walked by me, loudly saying "America is for Americans" while staring right at me. 

No joke.

That ACTUALLY happened.

Fuck Kmart.

Fuck everything everywhere.

Seriously.

Goddamned useless, racist Oklahoma.

In other news, some good news for once, we're finally getting internet. Wifi and home phone. AT&T. I'm prrrrretty excited. They can't give us cable for some reason but if I can actually get internet then forget cable, right?

But the bad news, and with me there's ALWAYS bad news, is that the EARLIEST day they can install it is fucking 21 DAYS AWAY!

DAFUQ?

I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE THIS WAIT!!!

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