NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Various Embarrassing Tidbits About Myself ...

-I am obsessed with my weight.

-I drink waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much coffee.

-I have this really strange thing about eating bites of food in twos or in pairs of twos. I can't eat three pieces of popcorn, not unless I eat another group of three pieces, thereby making the total amount into two groups of three pieces of popcorn. Twos. I have to eat bites in twos. My old therapist said that I may have the beginnings of OCD. So I'm constantly doing the math in my head while I eat.

-I also have a thing about eating matching colors. I cannot just eat a handful of M&M's or gummy bears. They have to, really HAVE TO, match.

-I currently have a copy of the WWE Scooby Doo movie on my phone.

-I am prrrrretty socially retarded and have a really hard time making friends.

-I get scared leaving the house. In fact, I sometimes worry that I'm becoming an agoraphobic ... and I sometimes subconsciously get upset that I'm not one yet.

-I have a huuuuuuuuuuuuge mancrush on Adam Warrock.

-I just downloaded that annoying "#SELFIE" song.

-I blow kisses to strange pedestrians I pass. They notice it and freak the hell out about 60% of the time. I call it "drive-by sexual harassment".

-I watch more cartoons than live action shows on my Netflix account.

-In fifth grade I became obsessed with this girl that sat in front of me in class named Genna. She was a pretty, ditzy, fairly well off popular blonde and I was the funny, weird looking kid with the glasses. There was never going to be any way this would work but I became convinced that I was in love with her and we were meant to be together. I sent her love letters and epic love poems and I was crushed when she didn't love me back. I mean, I didn't know her. Hell, I hardly ever even talked to her. I was too much of a chicken shit to talk to her. I just spent a whole year looking at her back in class and imagined my arms around her. Now, here's the hard part. It might be hard to believe but .... Genna would wear this soft, white angora sweater most days and I would imagine holding her and caressing that angora sweater. Now, I know that that may be a pretty astounding and unbelievable fact considering that in 1996 I would create my own religion based on the life of angora-obsessed filmmaker Ed Wood but this is the first time I've ever admitted to my own checkered, angora sweatered past. I try not to think about it. Could THIS be one of the driving forces behind my eventual creation of Woodism? I don't think about it because of how deeeeeeeeeply embarrassed I am about the whole love letter thing. It was fucking stupid. Genna never talked to me before the love letters and just continued to not talk to me after the letters. I felt like the biggest loser in the whole world and, when I think back to it, I still do. So now we're friends on the facebooks, Genna and I. She's a single mother and she still has her same ditzy personality except now it comes with possible fake boobs. Whatever. Good for her. And also, fuck her.

-.... and also, I got my friend Heath to write the love poems I sent to Genna. I didn't even write my own goddamn love poems. How fucking lame am I?

-I am OBSESSED with the music on my phone and I am constantly adding to it and changing up the playlists I've created, despite not really having a lot of time to actually listen to any of the music itself. But I keep getting more. It's like Pringles or Pokemon or crack for me. I just can't stop.

-Also, all of my music playlists on my phone HAVE TO BE in alphabetical order! HAVE TO BE!

-For the longest time I was saving all my fingernail and toenail clippings in the hopes of making a creepy ass nail necklace for my wife. The day my brother in law threw out four years worth of nail clippings almost make me cry.

-It's pretty much impossible for me to watch about 80% of all Disney animated movies without crying.

-I'm 37 years old now. Damn. I never thought I'd live to be this old. When I was young I figured that either the world would end before I turned 40 or that I would be killed for being so rebellious and outspoken. Even before creating my own religion I thought that I would one day grow up to be someone to outrageous that I would be killed by some random nutjob. Gawd. I never thought that I'd be a stay at home dad in his late thirties, you know? How did I get here?

-Four things I was obsessed with growing up: Alf, Snoopy, Alvin and the Chipmunks and the Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles.

No comments: