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Monday, July 14, 2014

Things I Have Learned Living In The Midwest ...

-That people call sodas "pop" here and they do it un-ironically.

-That you legally cannot buy alcohol or a car on a Sunday in the state of Oklahoma. Because Jesus?

-That 75% of the people that drive on a Sunday will drive 5-10 miles UNDER the speed limit. Again, because Jesus?

-If you work in retail and you ask a customer if they want a bag, they will be confused because they call them "sacks" out here.

-A surprisingly large number of people have moved to Oklahoma in a direct attempt to flee the hideous state of California. In this, I am not alone.

-A fairly sizable chunk of the people here are Christian.

-Almost all the Christians will automatically ASSUME that everyone else they meet is ALSO a Christian. They just assume.

-Low point beer is sold throughout Oklahoma, making the beer I drink here much weaker than the beer in Arizona or California (important to remember when visiting relatives)

-Guns. Lots of them.

-That turning left from the right hand lane or right from the left hand lane is perfectly acceptable as long as you're white skinned and make an "I'm So Sorry" wave to the people you're upsetting.

-That there's dinner and there's "supper" and there's a difference and it's stupid.

-A surprisingly large percentage of the population here, although they are probably right wing religious nutjobs, have absolutely no problem with a Mexican man who has his own religion.

-For some unknown reason, Monster energy drink is crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy popular.

-The easiest way to tell a regular person from a conceited bro douchebag is by checking to see if they have a Monster energy drink decal on the back of their vehicle.

-Sometimes it will seem as if there's a zombie invasion, except the zombies have been replaced by withered 80 to 90 year olds.

-People seem to be able to get away with a LOT as long as they're driving a pickup truck.

-If you are brown skinned, do NOT smile at a passing police vehicle! They WILL hit a hard u-turn, ride your ass, and try to think up a reason to pull your ass over. I have unfortunately learned this the hard way, so trust me. If you are white and/or female, no problem. Smile at whoever you want. But if you are a minority, keep your smile to yourself.

-Although a lot of people are Republican, there is a sizable Democratic and Libertarian population in the midwest. However, all Republicans in the midwest will, as with Christianity, AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME that EVERYONE ELSE is a Bible loving, God fearing, Obama hating Republican like they are. They just assume. A lot of assumptions here.

-Think twice before passing a truck because there's a 75% chance that they will take it personally and make your life a living hell.

-For many people, front lawns are just storage.

-Half the population sees the speed limit as way too fast while the other half of the population sees it as being a very slow suggestion. Also, at any given time, both of those groups of people are probably both in front of and behind you on the freeway.

-That everything is the same and yet slllllllllightly different, but it's best not to think about it because it WILL drive you crazy.

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