NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, September 26, 2014

Watching Firefly For The First Time: "Safe" ...

Guess what time is it, my apparently vaguely interested readers?

Yes, my friend, it is time once again for me, the skinny Mexican you keep seeing in the pictures, to watch an episode of Firefly for the first darn time.

If you're just joining us, let me sum up. It's been about a month since I started taking my first steps into the world of movies and tv shows that I've never bothered to watch for varying reasons. And the first one I have decided to tackle is none other than Joss Whedon's scrappy cult hit Firefly.

I'm doing this because 1) Any show that can still hold people's hearts after such a long time off the air is a show that I can respect. And also, 2) my favorite musician and semi-secret mancrush Adam WarRock has made some great Firefly related music and that's good enough for me, dammit!

So how has it been so far? Well, The first pilot was just ok. Then I saw the second pilot episode, and that was much better. The third episode didn't have a lot to say but it was still a good blog post, and then the next one I saw had boobs, so of course it was awesome. And the last one I saw was a funny as hell blog post, if I do say so myself. It was a mighty fine shindig. (See what I did there?)

So why don't we all sit down, watch another episode, have fun and, above all, find a way to make fun of Tucson, Arizona, whaddaya say?

Lets do this ...

Ok. We're back on track again in regards to the order of these episodes. See, apparently Fox showed the episodes out of order, then they got put back in their proper order on the dvd. However, the old Netflixes, which is where I'm watching these bad boys, has the episodes in the convoluted Fox order and not the proper order. I had originally intended to watch them in the order Mr. Whedon intended me to watch them. But then boobs happened. But now we're back on track with this, the fifth episode.

Wait, what? Wikipedia just told me that this marks the tv debut of Mr. Zac Efron! WHAAAAAAAT?!?

Ok. Let's do this. For realsies this time!

Beginning. Opening narration. I liked it better when Preacher did it. No offense to Mal. And WHAAAAAT??? Wow, was that a "Previously on Firefly" there? How amazing! I've never seen one of those before. Wow. Cool. It's like "E.R." or something. And oh yeah, the cows. I almost forgot the cows and the bad guy from Darkman.

Now we're in the show proper. Flashback. And HEYYY! There's wee Zac Efron. Ha!

Hey, hate him if you must ... and it pains me to say this ... but Zac Efron was prrrrretty good in the movie "17 Again" ...


Dood! I just took an aside from Firefly to post scenes from a Zac Efron movie. That's ... something. Seriously, though, the stupid movie is cute. And he does a pretty good job playing an older guy. The movie surprised me. And, man, seriously, Thomas freaking Lennon is in it! THE STATE! LIEUTENANT DANGLE! C'MON!!! So the move can't be all that bad. You should give it a shot.

Anyway, back to the show ...

Now, Summer Glau is attractive and cute and she looks like a pedobear's dream come true. No arguments there. Buuuut here she is freaking out and trying to actually ACT aaaaand I'm not buying it. I'm just not. She seems wooden and fake. Her pretending to be freaked out is almost laughable. I liked her better as a lady Terminator. So they're landing. Rednecks skinning rabbits. And credits. Alright then.

Funny. The doctor steps in poop. Someone mentions breaking in his "pretty shoes." And what's the name on the credits? Someone with the name "CONVERSE" ... huh, huh??? William Converse-Roberts. HUH? Comedy gold!

So now they're on some dusty, desolated, backwoods planet in the middle of nowhere where they're being stalked by crazed men with weapons ... hmm, sounds like downtown TUCSON, ARIZONA FOLKS thankyouGOODNIGHT!!!

I just realized, watching Spacewhore and Kaylee in the general store, that Kaylee is a Space-Manic Pixie Dream Girl! DOOD! THAT SPACE-EXPLAINS SPACE-EVERYTHNG!

River takes off. What a big surprise. Mal is trying to sell cows. AHH YES, the legendary "trying to sell cattle" scene that the fanboys love so much, he types sarcastically. And Simon is running around what looks like the abandoned set of Will Smith's Wild Wild West. GAWD what a crappy movie, right?

River dances. I think they're going for a touching scene in contract with the shootout that's happening with the captain and the cattle. Ehh. Apparently I'm supposed to care about the dancing.

So Preacher gets shot. That's sad. NOW I'm emotionally invested.

Another flashback. NO ZAC EFRON? BOO! And now apparently Simon and River have been taken captive by the smartest men in Tucson while the rest of the crew takes off to try and help Preacher. There's a scene where Zoe talks with Preacher and I feel like this is the first scene I've seen so far in this show that features the only two black characters . That's surprising. And I could make a few racist jokes here but I'll hold back, seeing as these Firefly posts are so popular. So I'll just say this: fuck Tucson.

So two plots running side by side. Simon has been kidnapped to be a doctor for the town and Mal is trying to find a ship with those nice government boys. Man I sure do love those government people with the Alliance. So clean cut and polite. There should be more people like them in this galaxy, that's what I say!

#TeamAlliance

So the good Alliance folk tend to Preacher. Hmm. I wonder why, he asks without sarcasm because I don't want people to assume. And wow but I reeeeaaaalllly don't care about River and Simon. She's not a great actress, which is probably why she was a good choice for a Terminator. I mean, Arnold wasn't winning Oscars for "Hasta la vista, baby." And the guy, the doctor, Simon, he just seems like a little bitch. Man up, dood, seriously. Mr. Whedon is forcing them down my throat so much that I know, I KNOW, that they're going to be important to the overall story but I just don't give a shit about the interim. Sorry. The truth.

Wait, they think River's a watch? A thirteen year old, badly acting witch? Eh. Burn her. Whatever. Just show me more of Mal.

Yet another flashback. Simon's dad tells him "I will not come for you again." Wow. Incest. That's messed up, man.

No answer on Preacher's backstory. Just hints. Lame.

Simon and River going to be burned. Seriously, you too, get a ROOM!

And the crew with the last minute save, which no one expected, he typed sarcastically. But I do like the "Big damn heroes, sir" like. That's good stuff, right up there with "Yes sir, Captain Tight Pants."

AAAAAND THE END!

Eh. I liked this episode, I guess. I liked seeing the cattle from the last episode and I liked seeing a small, fleeting glimpse of what might be Preacher's hidden life. And I liked seeing Zac Efron for a few seconds and, again, you should give that stupid movie a try because it IS pretty cute. I guess I liked everything about this episode ... except for all that Simon and River crap. So, what I liked maybe 50% of the episode? 40%? I don't know. I just don't like them, especially her, that bad acting twelve year old Terminator. No don't like her. Nope, I sincerely hope that I get some Mal-heavy episodes soon. Or maybe Wash. Or Jayne. Or pretty much anyone but those two.

Anyway, that's that. Hope you enjoyed yourselves.

Stick around for more Firefly.

No comments: