If you're just joining us, it's been a month or two since I started taking my first baby steps into the much larger world of movies and tv shows that I have never bothered to watch for various reasons, the first one I have decided to tackle being Joss Whedon's Firefly
My first few step into the world of the Browncoats have given birth to some funny and interesting blog posts that I really like very much. The first pilot was just ok. Then I saw the second pilot episode, and that was much better. The third episode didn't have a lot to say but it was still a good blog post, and then the last one had boobs, so of course it was awesome.
And so now it's time for me to sit down and watch the "next" episode ... and I'm in a bit of a bind already, seeing as this next episode was technically the last "next" episode.
See, if you recall from the last Firefly post, the fourth episode of the series is entitled "Shindig" ...
Buuuuuuuuuut according to Netflix, the fourth episode is entitled "Our Mrs. Reynolds" and has to do with Mal accidentally getting married and pale boobs. And I wanted to watch them in order. But boobs. So I watched the seventh episode as the fourth episode. Because boobs. So today I'll be watching the fourth episode.
Was that confusing enough?
Anyway, lets do this!!
WHOA WHOA WHOA! What the hell? Why is Mal doing the opening narration now? Where the hell is Preacher, my main man Ron Glass, aka Det. Ron Harris from Barney Miller? What the hell, man? I loved the calm, soothing voice of Randy Carmichael from Rugrats and A Special Rugrats Kwanzaa at the opening of every episode. Bad form, Mr. Whedon. It's about three seconds in and already I'm pissed.
By the way, here is a comparison from the man I knew in Barney Miller and the man now in Firefly ...
That's awesome right there.
Wow. Um? Ok. So. Where to begin ...
So the episode starts proper and they're playing pool ... WITH VIRTUAL BALLS! GET IT? BECAUSE IT'S THE FUTURE!
You know what this is like? This is just like two episodes back when they were playing a game of "space ball." And now look at them. They're playing space pool. That's totally what I'm calling it. Space pool.
By the way, strange aside here, that bit a few lines up, when I did the whole "get it?" bit, that's taken from my older brother Joe. We saw a preview of The Amazing Spider-Man once in the theaters and the football coach asks Peter to be in the team and, all snarkishly, Peter says "No. Too dangerous." And so my brother, as LOUD AS HE CAN, belts out in the crowded theater "GET IT? BECAUSE HE'S SPIDER-MAN!" Half the audience cracked up. My brother's good like that. So I stole his bit and now I use it whenever there's something stupid on tv or in a movie and I want to telegraph just how ridiculous it is. I'm sure that Joe would be proud.
Ok. Bar fight. Jayne, the guy I like from "Chuck," kicks ass and smokes and smirks. Opening credits. Alright then.
So they're going to visit some planet. Spacewhore is planning stuff. Is this going to be a Spacewhore-centric episode? Sigh. I guess she's ok. She's vaguely pretty and a good enough actress. Bland, but good. Hey. Maybe this episode will make me really like her. Maybe this will be the big turning point for me and her. I seriously doubt it. But oh well.
Now we're in the city. Some big city. I don't remember its name, something or other. I like the city. I like the small glimpses of it that we get once they land, just like I enjoy the glimpses inside an Alliance ship. The city is sleek, modern, clean, nice, a very modern seeming city. It's an anti-Tucson, Arizona is what I'm saying. And I'm not just saying that because I manage to diss Tucson in every Firefly review, either. It's just the facts. Science. This city looks nice. And Tucson is a crapfactory.
Wow. Kaylee takes precious tv screen time to pine over a dress, only to have Mal diss her because of the stupid "Will they, won't they" thing that he's got going with the Spacewhore. GEE, he typed sarcastically, I wonder if we'll see Kaylee in that dress later in the episode on account of how obvious the writers of this show just telegraphed it? ... ehh. I'm sure we won't. Lets move on ...
So Badger is back. Vaguely remember him from the first first pilot. He offers them some sort of a job that I'm not clear about. Not sure what's happening here. First off, they don't make it clear. Lots of Whedon-ish dialogue. Plus, I'm having a hard time following the episode because of outside influences. Maxwell, my now three year old, just woke up and he's sticking a Batman toy up my shirt. And now he's upset because he can't have ice cream for breakfast. Grumble grumble.
Wow. About ten minutes in and we're already at the ball? Wow. Did someone give Whedon cocaine when he wrote this? I'm surprised that so much has happened without twenty minutes of well written dialogue. Good job, Mr. Whedon. Many golf claps.
Aaaaaaand there's the dress. Freaking called it. Dayuuum I'm good ...
GAWD she's so freaking cute I just want to choke her to death, all Quentin Tarantino "Inglorious Bastards" style.
Ok, that last line sounded ... kiiiiiinda fucked up. Ok. Just to be clear, I do not endorse chocking fictional women to death. Or live ones, for that matter.
Ok. Here. Let me explain. and I'll explain it with Johnny Depp. See, THIS NEAR PERFECT LINE that Johnny Depp says in the movie "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" perfectly explains why I want to choke out Kaylee in this episode ...
Shooting the Cook, Restoring the Balance. That's why I want to choke Kaylee out. She's too cute in this stupid pink dress. So choking her out would be restoring the balance to the galaxy. Wow. We just went somewhere strange there, didn't we? Anyway, back to the show ...
Ok. I know I said this about a snippet of dialogue in the last episode, but now here is yet another BEST LINE EVER!
KAYLEE: "Yes sir, Captain Tight Pants!"
Good line. Verrrrrry good line there. I'm making that my new go-to catch phrase from here on out, people.
HOLY CRAP! Now they're playing Space Cards! Seriously! They're freaking playing Space Poker! Space 21! GET IT? BECAUSE IT'S THE FUTURE!
Kaylee is beng dissed by a gaggle of Space Mean Girls, but then she's saved by some strange old man who looks an awful lot like Captain Kangaroo Pimp from the movie "Black Dynamite" ...
HOLY CRAP! The man that they're looking for is Mr. Durant from the movie "Darkman!" Awesome! I loved that movie when I was a kid! And Kaylee holding court with all the other mechanics warmed my heart. That was sweet.
Ok. So there's a duel going to happen. Creepy looking 12-year-old River keeps having bipolar scenes. Spacewhore is trying to teach Mal to be a swordsman. Ok then. Lets move this along, if we can.
The swordfight is happening now. My son has suddenly taken GRRRRRREAT interest in Firefly! Oh man, he's watching this swordfight like it's freaking Super Why over here. It's amazing! He's gotten his fork from the cheesy eggs I made him and he's fake swordfighting a group of invisible invaders. It's crazy cute. How many three year olds pretend they're in an episode of Firefly? Maxwell just won childhood.
AAAAAND THERE'S THE LINE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
I've been waiting to see the episode with this bit of dialogue because it starts one of my favorite Adam Warrock songs ...
Good stuff right there. That's my jam.
Words. More words. A dress in Kaylee's room. A ship full of cows. AAAAAND THE END!
Good episode. Really good. I didn't care for all that stuff about Badger in the ship and the gang trying to break free so they can rescue the captain. And the sex scene between the married couple just seemed t be an excuse for Mr. Whedon to write a superfluous scene with some really good dialogue but didn't move the story along. Typical Whedon. He Whedoned me. I got Whedoned there. But I liked the duel and I loved seeing Kaylee out of her element. It was a fun show. My son gives it two thumbs up. And I have to agree.
I can't wait to see what the crew does next.