NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, February 28, 2014

Concert Psyching Rock (C.P.R.) ...

I have spent a lot of time recently gushing over my absolute favorite musical artist, the free internet nerdcore rapperAdam Warrock, and posting his music in an attempt to get everyone I know to love him just as much as I do. Hopefully it's working.

BTW, here are the last few AWR posts I did ...

The Best Damn Free Music Downloads Around

The Best Damn NEW Free Music Downloads

Well, in case you didn't know already, Adam Warrock is playing in Oklahoma City tomorrow night about 55 minutes away from my house in Shawnee. For one of the first times ever, I am actually going to see one of my musical heroes live and in person!

ADAM WARROCK, BABY!!!

YEAUUUHHHHH!!!!

So here are a few free EP's for you to download and rock out to. Consider it CPR, or as it is know to listener's of Arizona's real rock station 98 KUPD, "Concert Psyching Rock."

The Slytherin Mixtape

The Parks and Recreation EP

The Futurama Album

The Dr. Who Mixtape

You're welcome, by the way.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Marvel Comic Book Sound Effects, Part 3.5 ...

This is a short one. just two sound effects. But they may very well be the stupidest sound effects ever featured here.

In fact, given the creators of this comic book, these could very well be literal parodies of Marvel comic book sound effects.

Again, this is from a fairly recent comic book, an odd one that has already been cancelled. That's ok, tho. This "take" on the Fantastic Four was doomed to be too strange for the mainstream.

Anyway, here you go ...

FF, # 2, January 2013.

Good ones, right?

More to come ...

Marvel Comic Book Sound Effects, Part 3 ...

I absolutely love this feature! It showcases an integrally ridiculous part of society. It's great.

Even when I was a lonely kid reading comic books alone in my room I thought that the sound effects Marvel used were quite odd, these strange, bizarre, almost non-sequitur sound effects. Marvel comic book sound effects are its own language, one that we as readers are really NOT supposed to stop and pay attention to because if we do then we'll notice how utterly absurd they really are. And that's where I come in.

Today's sound effects come from a NEW comic book. The last two were from the eighties, back when the world didn't know that Todd Macfarlane was a total asshole. This is from one of the completely unnecessary pre-movie "tie in" comics that no one really needs.

Here you go ...

Iron Man 3 Prelude, # 1, March 2013.

Good ones. In fact, I actually had to cut out about 35% of the sound effects for space reasons. This comic book was CHOCK FULL of cheesy Marvel sound effects.

BWATHOOOM! KRZZZZZZT! FLOOMP!

Good stuff.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Randomly Themed Paragraphs ...

SHAWNEE SHOPPING:

I always feel so strange when I go shopping here in Shawnee, Oklahoma. It's strange for me going into a Walmart and being the only non-white person there. Same with Dollar Tree. I get panic attacks when I go out shopping. I'm like a small brown dot in a sea of milky white faces. It's strange and it makes me uncomfortable, the stares I get, me with my long hair and unkempt facial hair and dark skin. AAAAAND white wife. Let's not forget that we're an interracial couple. I had an old white veteran shake his head in disgust a few days ago over my wife and I holding hands. I'm in a different world now, a world filled to the brim with old people and ignorant people and bitchy disapproving Christians and a very low literacy rate. I'm a walking contradiction, a man with a giant bullseye on my face, and it makes every second outside my home highly awkward.

NETFLIX:

This is juuuuuuust GRRRREAT! Last weekend, while I was at work, my daughters apparently got my two year old son hooked on that utterly ATROCIOUS Super Mario Bros. Super Show from the 80s. Bad animation. Captain Lou Albano. "Do The Mario". I have spent the last two days watching this absolutely shitty ass show and I swear to Gawd that my brain has been fucking melting because of it. I can't take much more of this. If I have to hear "Swing your arms from side to side ..." all day, I swear I will go nucking futs.

EATING:

I think I may have an eating disorder. For starters, my massive coffee consumption helps me go thru a large part of my day without any food. For lunch I usually just have some popcorn. Honestly, I would say that most days I only eat a snack for lunch and then a regular sized dinner. That can't be healthy. I think it has to do with my weight. See, a few months ago I actually got up to 166 pounds. I know that's not a lot but it is to me. That was the fattest I've ever gotten. And according to the kiiiiinda bullshit Body Mass Index I was obese. And that really scarred me. So I guess that's when I started starving myself. A few weeks ago I weighed myself and I was 148 lbs. That seems pretty drastic, you know? I don't know. I'm eating more now, however, due to the fast that it's tax time and so we have money and so we're eating out a lot. Golden Corral is pretty awesome. So we'll see. We'll see how my weight does.

SCHOOL DAYS:

My eight year old daughter Isabela has been having a really tough time lately. She just hates school. She says it sucks and every morning is like a comedically frustrating sisyphean ordeal, She sleeps in, drags her feet, complains about everything, and she invents problems and illnesses in the hopes of staying home from school. Her legs always hurt. Her ears ache. Her hands ache. Her eyes are sensitive. She just doesn't want to go to school. She's not getting bullied and she's not getting in trouble or anything. She just doesn't want to go to school. She says that they make her do too much work and it bores her. Poor girl. Just wait till she has to get a job. Total boredom. Am I right?

WRESTLING:

So I've recently found an amazing British website that streams all the live WWE events including Raw aaaaand every pay per view absolutely free. It's my new home for all things wrestling, especially since I don't have cable and I refuse to pay for their new streaming service. So I've had a fun two weeks there watching stuff. I've watched two Raw broadcasts and the Royal Rumblea and last weekend's Elimination Chamber and, I say this again for emphasis, I saw it all aaaaaaabsolutely free. It's been fun logging into their chat room and watching wrestling with a few hundred wrasslin' fans, mostly from Europe but a few from the USA who accidentally found the site just like I did. It's been fun. It feels good to have friends online to watch WWE with and it feels good to be back into wrestling again. Uuuuuuunfortunately, the WWE has really been sucking ass lately. It's obvious that the fans want Daniel Bryan as champion and they're extremely vocal about it, but WWE is internally run by Triple H and his wife now and they want to push their old buddies and consistently screw over the people who the fans really want to have on top. THIS is why CM Punk quit a few weeks ago. He doesn't want to be a part of this corrupt red tape fucking bullshit. It's total crap right now. I'd be even MORE upset of I was paying money for this. I mean, thank GAWD I'm watching this shit for fee. The WWE doesn't DESERVE my money right now, the assholes.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

Today is an absolutely crrrrrazy double feature:

The 1971 legendary cult flick "Octaman"

and

the direct to VHS tape "Michael Bolton's Winning Softball".

Enjoy ...

"Octaman is a 1971 monster film directed by Harry Essex. It follows an expedition team that becomes the target of a murderous humanoid octopus. The film met with negative reception. It has a rating of 3.4/10 on IMDb.

Oscar-winning effects man Rick Backer actually did the creature effects, and they are (predictably) awful, but that's what make this movie fun. A fairly decent (even though it has been used to death) plot, and some really over-acted characters and a derivative script to make this a fun outing in the 'monster-on-the-loose' genre. Despite this, the film has obtained a cult following over the years.

Michael Bolton's Winning Softball was a 1993 direct to VHS softball instructional video. In the video, Bolton suits up for "the Bolton Bombers", his barnstorming team of musicians, roadies, and ringers. Footage of Bolton singing, as well as swinging, is spliced with such tepid tips as 'Think positive'."

About Things ...

Things are good with me. Damn good.

With my wife working full time, my son has really started clinging to me with all the love and intensity that he usually reserved for big milky boobies. He's kissing me, holding my hands, and about 70% of the time he will wake up with a big hug and a kiss for me because he's just so darn happy to spend the day with me.

My wife and I are doing good, too. We had a really bad rough patch there for a month or two but we quickly got over all that mess and now we're thick as thieves.

Maaaaaan, the sex we had this morning ... wow!

And guess what?

MY MAN ADAM WARROCK IS COMING TO MY NECK OF THE WOODS NEXT SATURDAY!!!

So, things are good.

Real good.

I'll post a free movie in a couple of hours, so check back, okay?

While you're waiting, why don't you follow me on twitter?

Also, and I hope you are still reading this, I have been doing storytimes for kids every week for well over 11 years. And in celebration of this I've compiled a big photo album of over 50 pictures and hilarious stories from over a decade of entertaining children and it would really help me out if you could click on it, check it out, and maybe share it with your friends ...

STORYTIME WITH MR STEVE 2003-2014

Seriously, if you could plllllleeeeease share the photo album on your Facebook page it would really help me out. It only takes a second and I am really trying to get my name out there. So a quick share would really help me out. Plus, it's pretty cute and fairly hilarious, so bonus.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Angry Birds/Ed Wood Connection ...

Here is the original movie poster for Ed Wood's legendary film Plan 9 from Outer Space ...

... and here is a picture I took recently at a local Walmart of a kids Angry Birds t-shirt ...

See the similarity?

I'm against the omnipresence of Angry Bird in our culture, how this one game is now everywhere in our society. I hate it. It's the Disney or maybe the McDonald's of video games. It can't be escaped from.

And that's just going to get worse in two years when the big budget animated movie comes out.

But for this they deserve a pat on the back.

This is awesome.

Monday, February 17, 2014

A Week Into Netflix ...

-Having been tv-less for a number of years, it's so nice watch Bob's Burgers again. And Family Guy. I haven't seen that since they did the first Star Wars parody. And that was forever ago, right? And I pretty much missed out on the last two seasons of Futurama, the new ones, so it's good to see that again, too. Soooo nice to watch tv shows. Really nice.

-Three years ago was when we first had Netflix. Then we stopped for a few years. But now we're back. Now, a whole lot of movies and tv shows have left Netflix since we last had it. And out of all the shows that are gone now, I think that I miss Monty Python the most.

-I don't like things that everyone else liked. That's my inner hipster. I purposefully go against whatever gets picked up by mainstream society. I never saw Swingers, The Sixth Sense, Entourage, Mad Men. I avoided Friends. I liked the comic book The Walking Dead but I rebelled against the show. Jay Leno is the absolute worse person ever. If there's something that's big, I am automatically against it. That's me. So. That being said, I fucking LOOOOVE "Orange Is The New Black". It is the absolute best. But then again, I really loved Weeds, so I knew I'd like this. Shit's damn good.

-Ok. My Little Pony is cute. I'll admit that. And I have noooooo problem with letting my son like ponies. I have no problem with that. But GAWD Pound Puppies is the absolute worst piece of shite imaginable. It's like my kids watch it and my goddamn brain starts to fucking melt.

More later ...

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Steve's Church-less Movie Of The Week ...

Special gay rights noir edition!

Today's film is a historical look at homosexuality and a pretty good noir thriller. The film's history is listed below and it's pretty amazing. Plus, the film itself is, as is usually the case, packaged especially by me with retro movie previews, drive-in craziness, and even an intermission. Fun vintage stuff.

Enjoy yourself ...

"Victim is a 1961 British suspense film directed by Basil Dearden, starring Dirk Bogarde and Sylvia Syms. It is notable in film history for being the first English language film to use the word 'homosexual'. The world premiere was at the Odeon Cinema in Leicester Square on 31 August 1961. On its release in the United Kingdom it proved highly controversial and was initially banned in the United States. Director Basil Dearden's non-judgmental, ground-breaking thriller was a daring landmark film with its head-on presentation of the 'un-talked about' topic of homosexuality in the early 60s, when Britain still had anti-sodomy statutes as law.

Victim became a highly sociologically significant film; many believe it played an influential role in liberalising attitudes (as well as the laws in Britain) regarding homosexuality. It was not a major hit but by 1971 had earned an estimated profit of £51,762. The British Board of Film Censors originally gave the film an X rating. In a letter to the filmmakers, the BBFC secretary raised four objections to the film. First, a male character says of another man, 'I wanted him'. Second, references to self-control in the revised script were left out of a filmed discussion of homosexuality, leaving the discussion 'without sufficient counterbalance'. Third, the film implies that homosexuality is a choice, which 'is a dangerous idea to put into the minds of adolescents who see the film'. Finally, when the blackmailer Brenda unleashes a tirade against homosexuality, her popular view will be discredited since she is such an unsympathetic character.

In the United States, the use of the term 'homosexual', and its opposition to anti-gay criminal laws, kept the film from receiving approval by the Hollywood Production Code. A few years prior to Victim, the film makers of Suddenly, Last Summer (1959) had persuaded the code censors to allow their film to use homosexuality as a plot device, but only if presented through cryptic innuendos, and film had to illustrate the 'horrors of such a lifestyle'. The film Victim, in contrast, was deemed to be too frank and liberal in its treatment of homosexuality, and, thus, was initially not given approval by the censorship code. However, in 1962, the Hollywood Production Code had agreed to lift the ban on film's using homosexuality as a plot device. A few years later the code itself would be replaced by the Motion Picture Association of America, which introduced age-appropriate classification for films.

AMC listed Victim in it's '100 Most Controversial Films Of All Time' for it's frank, honest look at homosexuality."

Friday, February 14, 2014

Steve And The Dead Body ...

The following series of actual texts were written by me and sent to my wife between 2pm and 330pm on Fab. 12th, 2014.

"Honeeeeey ... ummmm ... ???

4 cars have stopped and parked between us and Terabithia (the field right next to our house).

One woman with a clipboard is taking notes.

Oh shiiit ... there's two trucks, an unmarked police SUV, and a car... the car says State of Oklahoma Medical Examiner. I got a pic of it. THIS CAN'T BE GOOD!

Another car. Guy in a suit. Sunglasses. Maybe Shield?

A sixth car, a big ass police car.

Aaaaand now a fire truck! Seven vehicles.

And a smaller red fire chief suv. Eight.

They're all putting on rubber gloves. Maybe they're picking up dog poop, he says, knowing fully well it's probably something worse.

I maaaay have seen a body bag. Fire guys got jackets and gloves on and got a long yellow gurney. I think I know what's up here.

Yup! Body bag. Big blue one. The really messed up part is that the body bag will still be there when bela comes home from the bus.

Amberdad says some druggie probly stayed the night there n froze to death.

Thank gawd I'm not paranoid and dealing with ptsd or else this would reeeeeeeeeeally fuk me up.

I'll try and sneak a pic on my way to the bus stop ..."

Sooooo ...

THAT all happened!

And here's the result:

"Body discovered: Further awaited from medical examiner."

I've spend the last year explaining to the kids that I do NOT want them playing over in that field, which I have perfectly nicknamed "Ghetto Terabithia."

NOW I have a perfect reason why they shouldn't play over there.

So, in a perverse sort of way, I win.

My Recent Twitter And Facebook "Zingers" ...

In Fantastic Four, @jessicaalba played her toughest role: a blonde haired, blue eyed white girl.

At what point do we "Simpsons Movie" West Virginia and just dome up that place?

I am proud to have lived to see the day when Jay Leno f-ing leaves.

Eye doctor had me take OFF my glasses and read the largest letter they could project. I told her I saw a swastika.

There's a book called "SATAN, you can't HAVE my marriage!" My book is called "Satan, now, this isn't a yes ... but just ballpark it for me, how much money are we talking about here?"

Wouldn't be surprised if #Scientology had something to do with Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death. It's a religion of snakes and liars.

When people talk about #racism it's almost always in regards to black/asians. It's fairly acceptable to still hate mexicans in the US.

If someone wants to make something "diverse" they almost always add every race imaginable ... BUT mexicans. We don't count.

BREAKING NEWS: #Nintendo to hide under covers and continue pretending that no one plays games on their cell phones.

To make Super Why more interesting to watch, my mind's eye has given all the Super Readers former addictions that they've kicked. Alpha Pig did Heroin with Phillip Seymour Hoffman on the set of Boogie Nights.

Don't tell me mountains can't be moved. It can be done with true love and being true to yourself. And dynamite. A shitload of dynamite.

When did Wal-Mart make neck tattoos mandatory?

Birdemic is SUCH A BAD MOVIE that even the biggest bad movie lover watches this film and thinks: "Perhaps its not too late to become an accountant."

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they bleed to death.

Looked over my daughter's report card. Straight A's except for one F in "Gender" which I am reeeeeally angry about!

Ya know ... I never did figure out who killed Harlowe Thrombey.

You say tomato, I say I fucking hate tomatoes.

Wow! I just won a free $1,000 Wal-Mart gift card - no scam! - and all I had to do was slaughter two baby goats! And I got to pick the goats!

If the book "Skippyjon Jones" was about a cat who wanted to be a pitbull, puts on gold chains and an afro, and talks ghetto slang, then THAT would be widely considered racist and would be altogether banned. But the book's current racist attitude towards Mexicans is COMPLETELY ignored and the book is considered a children's classic.

I'm at a Halloween party dressed as a taco pirate. Just a typical day.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Marvel Comic Book Sound Effects, Part 2 ...

I. FREAKING! Love this!

Now, don't ask me why I'm so obsessed with Marvel comic book sound effects. I just think that they're absolutely, ridiculously stupid. The other day I started reading JUST the sound effects to my wife and I could NOT stop laughing. I was dying. It was hilarious.

Here you go ...

The Spectacular Spider-Man, issue 158, 1989.

A lot of these sound effects could either be A) sex sounds, or B) kick ass band names.

Seriously!

How easy is it to picture a hardcore, gritty, unwashed 1980s New York City punk band named SPOOSH?

I want to BE in that band!

Marvel Comic Book Sound Effects, Part 1 ...

Amazing Spider-Man, issue 326, 1989.

Dream job: marvel comic book sound effects writer.

"Hey Mitch, how 'bout this: BUH-SLOOOSH, SKREEEZSHHHTT!!!"

"Great, Carl, give me more!"

Seriously, how ridiculous are these stupid sound effects?

More soon ...